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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I be worried?

92 replies

ChocChick8 · 09/04/2019 15:57

Hello, to be honest I’m in a complicated situation. I met my current DP at work while he was married, but quite unhappily and thinking of separation. At most, our connection and feelings made him fonally take the step and separate, but he wanted that before me, I’m 100% sure. I very quickly accidentally got pregnant and he left his family - he has an 8-year old daughter he loves very much. That was a little less than a year ago. I now had the baby and I am so happy, but he has seemed distant for a while and I’m worried he’s in touch with his ex. What can I do? Could it just be me being over emotional because I just gave birth?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2019 17:16

Oh yes. You should be very worried as history as a funny way of repeating himself. If I were you, I would engage in a lot of self-reflection and try to understand why you such a poor judge of character.

Mrsmummy90 · 09/04/2019 17:24

@formerbabe has hit the nail on the head imho.

LaughingCow99 · 09/04/2019 17:40

Most men don't just leave their wives on a whim. He probably was unhappy.

Could he leave you? Yes. Any partner can leave, even those that don't have form for cheating.

You need to talk to him and either get reassurance all is OK or face reality it isn't.

C0untDucku1a · 09/04/2019 17:58

formerbabe might be on to something. men who have have affairs want a carefree hook up, a return to the dating stage. Not responsibility and mundane family life they had the affair to get a break from.

C0untDucku1a · 09/04/2019 17:59

But laughingcow he didnt make a decision to leave. Op got pregnant. Choice gone.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/04/2019 18:04

You sow what you reap op

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/04/2019 18:44

Suspect he left when the wife found out he'd knocked up the OP and gave him the boot LaughingCow.

Original poster

ChocChick8 · 09/04/2019 18:48

Well, obviously I’m insecure. But I don’t think he’d leave the baby. He also doesn’t want me there all the time when he has his daughter. Is that normal?

OP posts:

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/04/2019 18:55

Why wouldn't he leave the baby? He left the daughter he supposedly "loves very much" and seconds later had another child with a virtual stranger. This is not a man to rely on.

MumUnderTheMoon · 09/04/2019 18:55

Honestly if he is seeing his wife behind your back it's not as if you hold the moral high ground. In an ideal work no one would cheat on their s.o but clearly he has form. Just ask him straight out.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/04/2019 18:56

And yes it's normal and a good thing for his daughter to have time alone with her dad.

DBML · 09/04/2019 18:56

If you feel that something isn’t right, then it probably isn’t.
You were a thrill on the side of his marriage and he is now trapped by a baby. He doesn’t want you getting to know his other child (at the moment) and is distant. There is nothing like a baby to destroy an insecure relationship, especially one not built on love and respect.
He is a rotten husband and a rotten dad. But you chose him willingly.

formerbabe · 09/04/2019 18:57

He also doesn’t want me there all the time when he has his daughter. Is that normal?

Yes of course

LaughingCow99 · 09/04/2019 18:58

I read it as he left the wife and then got the op pregnant.

Did the wife kick him out? I read it as he left her.

Original poster

ChocChick8 · 09/04/2019 19:00

I got pregnant before he left. But his wife didn’t know about the pregnancy until a few months later.

OP posts:

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/04/2019 19:01

At least that's what he told you.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/04/2019 19:01

God his poor wife.

Littleheart5 · 09/04/2019 19:04

Absolutely his poor wife. You reap what you sow OP

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/04/2019 19:08

You have no business being apart of his dd life. You’re a disgrace. Karma at its finest always going to be watching over you’re shoulder

Susanna30 · 09/04/2019 19:09

Yes. He's probably thinking back fondly to his time with his wife and family. He probably misses his first child too. And has a far stronger connection with his wife than with you & now realises what he's done.
Now you have a baby his wife would be so unlikely to ever take him back and men find that hard to deal with. Hope he doesn't start to resent you.

frenchonion · 09/04/2019 19:10

Being gentle, I think you'd be wise to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally and financially to be a single parent. If he stays, ok fine. You both behaved really shittily though.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 09/04/2019 19:10

I think you've been very naive here OP. His version is that he was unhappy, going to leave anyway, met you, realised he needed to leave, got you pregnant then left his ex wife.

I'm pretty sure his ex wife's version is that they were happily married, he was a good husband, then he started being 'off and distant' with her before one day he told her he was unhappy and he left. Next thing she knows he's been having an affair and his mistress is pregnant.

If he was so unhappy in his marriage, what hadn't he left already? (The answer is because he wasn't unhappy particularly).

I don't know what you think he wouldn't leave the baby - he spent 8 years building his relationship with his daughter and he left her.

As for if he would cheat - he's already done this with you so he's clearly capable.

And his ex wife? No one knows but there are enough posts on here which show that some wives will absolutely take back the cheating husband if they believe they can make it work and is worth fighting for. I would imagine if he's talking to her, he's telling her his affair with you didn't mean anything / he didn't want to leave / the pregnancy was an accident / he misses her and his daughter.

You're going to get flamed on this thread because you were the mistress. I kind of believe you don't deserve to swan off and have a happy relationship when you both chose to blow up his first marriage BUT I hope I'm wrong for your dc sake.

MsDogLady · 09/04/2019 19:11

He also doesn’t want me there all the time when he has his daughter. Is that normal?

Yes. He knows that he has devastated her life.

Many child development experts say that when parents separate, for a healthy transition children must establish routines at both homes with no new partners present. In fact, new partners should not even be introduced for approximately one year.

When it comes to his daughter’s well-being, he really blew it.

Isth · 09/04/2019 19:11

Oh my god, his poor wife. formerbabe is bang on, he wanted fun, he got the same as what he already had but with someone relatively unknown. It’s no wonder you’re feeling insecure, you know full well what he’s capable of. He left his daughter, how do you figure he wouldn’t leave you and your child?

KnifeAngel · 09/04/2019 19:15

He'll probably leave you for someone else. You clearly have no morals. That's karma for you.

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