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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Telling H I want a divorce tonight. It's not going to go well

75 replies

AgedandConfused · 08/04/2019 19:47

I'm absolutely certain. Married 10 years, 2 dc. We had a big talk a few weeks ago and I said I was at the point of separation. He doesn't want that, he's been trying really hard but it's too late, the damage for me is done. I desperately want to be free of this relationship.

He has behaved in ways that could be construed as emotional abuse, although he has also just been diagnosed with autism which may account for some of temhe behaviour.

It's so hard, because I know he will be upset. And I'm ripping the family apart, but I cannot spend the rest of my life this miserable.

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 08/04/2019 19:50

It is your decision and you know your history. Did you ever seek professional help? if he is accepting of his differences can he make adjustments?
Divorce can be very painful and in abuse situations I think separation has to be the way to go.

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/04/2019 19:51

Even if the autism is in some way responsible for his abusive behaviour, that doesn't mean you should feel obliged to tolerate it. Nobody deserves to be abused and there are no acceptable justifications.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 08/04/2019 19:52

You are sure. It will be shit but you know why you’re leaving and that is enough. You don’t need an excuse, your mind is made up.

Sunshineafterthestorm · 08/04/2019 19:53

It’s going to be hard but if you’re certain it’s what you want then stay strong and firm. I can’t offer advice for delivering the message but I have received the message.. if I could have given my ex husband advice before he told me it would have been to try and not let being nice / trying to be a good person then in to offering false hope (he kept messaging me for months after saying he missed me / loved me and would cry whenever he saw me .. it just made me think he was going to change his mind (I’m now glad he didn’t but took me a long time to get there!)

You’re right, you don’t deserve to be miserable forever .. so much more to life. It’s going to be hard but focus on you and your children xx

Original poster
AgedandConfused · 08/04/2019 19:58

I asked him to do counselling and he refused. We did have some relate counselling about 6 years ago.

He veers between saying he can't help how he is, to trying really hard (masking) but he can only do it for so long and then it falls apart. There is stuff he can't adjust, like lack of physical affection, his pretty much refusal to go on holiday or away from home, his automatic reaction is always to blame me for things.

The EA stuff has been constant criticism of me (anything less than perfect), blaming me for everything-and bringing up past mistakes of mine over and over. He has said some really nasty things about the way I look. He has coerced me into sex for years, with the constant badgering until I give in. He once told me that he would no longer perform oral sex as I tasted like acid.

I've become a shell of myself. And it's nice that he is trying now, but it shouldn't take me saying I'm leaving. And I don't think I can forgive all the past stuff.

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 08/04/2019 20:29

You don't have to justify your decision at all, but that list would convince me you were not being unreasonable. Onwards and upwards!

QueenBeex · 08/04/2019 20:34

You're doing what's best for you, that's the main thing. The dc will notice how much happier you'll become after all this.

kbPOW · 08/04/2019 20:34

You need to leave him. His actions have eroded your feelings for him. You can't help your feelings. He may be hurt. You have lived with years of hurt and it's fine to say you're had enough. It's time to value yourself.

CoffeeConnoisseur · 08/04/2019 20:38

You're totally doing the right thing.

Have you seen a solicitor and started proceedings? He might accept it a bit more if it's - not a done deal - but you've actually started the ball rolling - would that help him accept that there's no 'winning you round', your mind is made up.

PicsInRed · 08/04/2019 20:47

He once told me that he would no longer perform oral sex as I tasted like acid.

Christ almighty, he is a bastard.

I've become a shell of myself.

That was his intention.
Get away from this guy, go very very very low contact, essential child comms only. Otherwise, he'll tear at your self esteem until there is nothing left of you.

My God. What a bastard he is. Flowers

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 08/04/2019 20:55

Christ OP! No. Go. Get away and try really hard to not analyse or think about this too much more. You have given this your all and you have fuck all worth having now. This is now time for you to have some mental peace, to heal and to find a wonderful life of your own.

BlankTimes · 08/04/2019 21:00

he has also just been diagnosed with autism which may account for some of temhe behaviour

Autism does not make people behave terribly. These are the diagnostic criteria, terrible behaviour is not included.
"The characteristics of autism vary from one person to another, but in order for a diagnosis to be made, a person will usually be assessed as having had persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction and restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests (this includes sensory behaviour), since early childhood, to the extent that these 'limit and impair everyday functioning".
www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx

I asked him to do counselling and he refused
He needs a specialist counsellor or CBT practitioner who has experience with autism and has positive outcomes for autistic clients. He probably won't realise this, it would be a kindness if you let him know.

He will also likely be feeling quite unsettled for some time after receiving his diagnosis, even if he was expecting it. There are no support services for newly-diagnosed adults in most areas, hopefully he'll find a supportive FB group.

You have to do what's right for you, you'll need some support too. Flowers

pointythings · 08/04/2019 21:15

Well, that list gives you your 'unreasonable behaviour' right there, off the peg. Absolutely go for it. It will be hard, but in the end your life will be so much better.

Original poster
AgedandConfused · 08/04/2019 21:35

I've told him. He's very upset and says he loves me so much. Obviously not a lot of communication as he finds that hard.

I know his autism doesn't make him abusive, but one dc has ASD and similar to him when stressed/feeling like they can't cope will become angry and lash out. Dc has also said some horrid things to me which I know they don't mean (that they want me dead etc).

But with H, a lot of this happened before I knew. So it destroyed me. I've had therapy and one of the things that came out was my need to people please. So I've held strong tonight, although I definitely had a wobble seeing him so upset. I've not seen him that emotional for years.

I know this is what I want, be ause when he's not here I feel so much better. When I think of living away from him I feel relieved. But I do care about him and hate to see him hurting.

OP posts:
notharryssally · 08/04/2019 21:49

This is really hard OP. Just because something isn't someone's fault doesn't mean it can't hurt. Someone said to me once - if somebody stands on your toe by accident, it still hurts. And when they stand on it again, it hurts again. Eventually you will resent it because the pain is present regardless.

kbPOW · 08/04/2019 21:55

Sexually coercive behaviour is abusive and isn't a symptom of autism.

MarieG10 · 08/04/2019 22:06

Aud

You don't have to justify your decision at all,

When your married,,,isn't it reasonable to justify (explaining) your decision? Just pure decency? He might not agree which is tough but she doesn't need his agreement.

Original poster
AgedandConfused · 08/04/2019 22:18

He has stopped badgering me for sex because I told him recently it wasn't OK. But it went on for years. He just couldn't see that me eventually giving in wasn't consent.

He has accepted that his behaviour and words have hurt me. I think he is devastated in himself.

OP posts:
ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 09/04/2019 00:20

definitely had a wobble seeing him so upset So he can be emotional when he wants to, just not when it suits him. You are doing the right thing OP and he has plenty of warning shots across the bows.
Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
AgedandConfused · 09/04/2019 08:45

Well I knew he was upset, he may not have appeared that to anyone else. He was mostly silent, staring ahead.

He said he wished I talked to him, but I have over and over again. I have to keep reminding myself that I have tried to fix this so many times. He said he wanted to try harder, but the damage is done.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 09/04/2019 08:57

You know you are doing the right thing.
He has destroyed any love you had for him and you won't get that back.
You feel happier without him there.
You are looking forward to living away from him.
That says it all.
Stay strong. Stay focused on YOU and your DC.
Well done and good luck.

LexMitior · 09/04/2019 10:43

Love is an action. You sound very calm and sensible. Stay with these feelings, and you will have focus on yourself.

It is the definition of madness to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. You’re breaking that idea apart. I’m sure your husband is now thinking a little, but that won’t make the change you need. Make your own change, and see a solicitor soon.

k1233 · 09/04/2019 11:13

There are few times in your life when you need to be selfish - this is one of them. You have said you are a shell of yourself. You are unhappy. It's years of incidents leading you to this decision. You need to do what is right for you, even though it hurts him.

Springwalk · 09/04/2019 11:17

If you are a shell of yourself you need to do this for you.

You have a long life to live, and if you are going to die a little more each day living with someone that clearly makes you so unhappy, you have considered and tried everything, then I suggest you line up some support in the shape of friends or family for afterwards and get on with delivering the news. Be as gentle and as kind as you can, but ultimately hold firm.

Where will the dc be when you tell him? I would not want them to hear this or the potential fall out. So make sure they are safely out of the house and you can do this in a calm and careful way.

Then move on. You can't live like this op.

StormTreader · 09/04/2019 12:29

The thing with Autism is that it's part of who he is, it's not like having a bad habit that can be unlearned if people just try for long enough.

The person he is is the person he is, good and bad, and if that's someone that you "desperately want to be free" from then that's how things are, no matter how sad it may make everyone.