Telling H I want a divorce tonight. It's not going to go well

[AgedandConfused]

I'm absolutely certain. Married 10 years, 2 dc. We had a big talk a few weeks ago and I said I was at the point of separation. He doesn't want that, he's been trying really hard but it's too late, the damage for me is done. I desperately want to be free of this relationship.

He has behaved in ways that could be construed as emotional abuse, although he has also just been diagnosed with autism which may account for some of temhe behaviour.

It's so hard, because I know he will be upset. And I'm ripping the family apart, but I cannot spend the rest of my life this miserable.

Any words of wisdom?

StormTreader is right. No matter the rights or wrongs, it's time for self preservation.
So many men seem to be open mouthed when the wife finally makes the decision to split. They can have worn a groove to counselling. Been asked to do something or not do something a thousand times without changing their behaviour one iota and then when their Missus says, "I'm done" they behave as if it's all come out of the blue. It's like our opinions, wishes and feelings mean bog all.

So many of them turn it around onto their partner and blame them too. This pattern is repeated often in several relationships and marriages and yet the penny never seems to drop for some men.

I'm glad the new legislation is coming in for divorce as women can now just decide the marriage holds nothing for them and no explanation is needed. It will be revolutionary.

This is all so helpful and helping me try and keep my resolve. He wrote me a very long email today, taking responsibility for his behaviour and recognising that it was wrong. He's asked me to consider counselling, but also says he doesn't want to force me to stay if I don't want to.

I think he upset as he sees this as his fault, says he loves me very much. But what someone said in here about the abusive behaviour eroding all the love. I don't love him. I care about him, but not love.

He even acknowledged that the counselling may just help us split. I'd be happy if we could do counselling and a (trial) separation. But that feels unfair on the dc.

It wasn't during the act, it was in an argument about sex. Basically I'm broken because I require foreplay to orgasm and anyway its awful for him because of how I taste. He also said its like licking a 9volt battery. It was said in a nasty way, not a 'I've noticed things have changed down there'

But isn't a trial separation hard on the kids?

You might want to have a look at this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

Thanks. More tears from him tonight. Oh, the more he cries and talks about changing and working on it, thr more I know its not what I want. Arghh.

Concentrate on what you need. Want is often worn down by other people. What spurs us to change is recognising our own, innate needs.

It sounds hard, but realising your own needs is possible and you will get back to your old self if you do it. Your children will see this and prosper.

HE can have counselling.
He needs to work on himself.
Has he suggested that?
Or is it actually partly your fault in his mind. Because that's another big red flag right there.
Never have counselling with an abuser.
Thems the rules!!!

When I told my ex husband I kept it short and just said ‘I have filed for divorce’. It was via text so a bit easier but he was an arse so didn’t deserve anything more. Keep it short and sweet throughout the process and over the following months.

Suggest he has counselling to help him accept your decision.
Are a timeline yourself of how things will pan out. Then tell him.

Just tell him it's too late. He should have put the effort in before if it was that important to him.

@AgedandConfused
I could of written your post!
Trying to find the moment to tell my husband!
How are you today? Has he accepted it?
Is he going to move out? X

AgedandConfused .. you have done hard part ( in my experience ) which is coming to the realisation that it’s time to bring down the axe. Well done you . There isn’t really an easy way of telling him, just try and remain calm when the inevitable shit slinging starts and remind yourself in your head of all the reasons why you have reached this decision . Good luck

It's too little, too late. You tried and tried and tried to talk to him. He thought you didn't mean it and would never leave him. Now he knows you do and he's panicking. Don't let him reel you back in, this is his responsibility. He needs to let you go, get counselling to deal with changing his behaviour for any future relationship and chalk it up to experience.

Don't feel bad, you know you gave it everything!

I know. Tonight it's like invasion of the body snatchers. He's trying to be affectionate. He's talking about romantic holidays.

I've always thought that I would move out, given that it is me that wants this. And I will deal better with the change and renting.

It shouldn't take a serious fear of losing you for him to consider treating you with love and respect. He will probably try (until he thinks he doesn't have to) but you deserve better than someone who has to try.

Have a few simple phrases and just keep repeating them: eg "It's too late", "I don't love you anymore", "This is what want" etc.

It might also help if you think of love as a verb, so it's something you do, rather than love as a noun, aka an object or feeling possessed. So he might say, or you might know, that he loves you inside (noun), but what good is that feeling if it doesn't translate into loving, considerate actions?

Stay strong

Ah... Sorry that might be clearer if I'd described 'love as a noun' to be a feeling someone has; they posses a feeling of love towarda you, like an object that is held inside them.

He sounds like my ex husband op. He'd stare at me with 'shark's eyes' while I would sob and beg him to come to counselling/talk more/work in our problems. I finally had enough one day after he snapped at me in my birthday and I realised I couldn't spend the rest of my life feeling like this. Stand firm. You have a right to be happy in your relationship. The changes you're seeing will not last.

Sounds like my x. A dollar short and a day too late. Dont stay!! They cant change for long. As soon as the 'immediate crisis' is over they go back to who they are.

The battery comment is horrible!!