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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Telling H I want a divorce tonight. It's not going to go well

75 replies

AgedandConfused · 08/04/2019 19:47

I'm absolutely certain. Married 10 years, 2 dc. We had a big talk a few weeks ago and I said I was at the point of separation. He doesn't want that, he's been trying really hard but it's too late, the damage for me is done. I desperately want to be free of this relationship.

He has behaved in ways that could be construed as emotional abuse, although he has also just been diagnosed with autism which may account for some of temhe behaviour.

It's so hard, because I know he will be upset. And I'm ripping the family apart, but I cannot spend the rest of my life this miserable.

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:

Original poster

AgedandConfused · 13/04/2019 11:36

He's still being a model husband, nothing is too much trouble. I need to find a time/way to tell him. Arghh this is awful and I feel awful. How am I in this situation when I haven't done anything wrong?

OP posts:

Original poster

AgedandConfused · 13/04/2019 18:15

Actually I have done something wrong. I've had an emotional affair. If I told him about that it would definitely be over. But I'm worried about what my parents would think of me. The emotional affair included sexting. I'm a mess. I feel horribly trapped, I want this to be over now. I want to move out tomorrow or run away somewhere (realise that isn't possible with kids).

OP posts:

Nairobe · 13/04/2019 18:55

Just be honest again and again, then stop explaining anc say 'we've had this conversation'. He was horrible and abusive. You told him and he continued rather then seek help with your support. He criticised and coerced.

The fact he is being a model husband shows he chose to behave as an awful one. Let that make you angry. He chose to hurt, belittle and mistreat you. It was an active choice he made.

PicsInRed · 13/04/2019 19:16

Dont tell him about the affair or anything he can use against you in any way. He's emotionally abusive, he will bank it away for the future.

Cut off his information.

9v battery? That bitch should be romantically dead to you. No friendship. No chats. Nothing.

user1486131602 · 13/04/2019 21:01

If you feel this strongly, just tell him again and do it.
You need to look after yourself....no one else will.
Love and hugs 🤗 ❤️

Moffa · 13/04/2019 22:13

@agedandconfused I could have written your post. Together a decade, married 8 years, 2DC. I’m certain he has undiagnosed high-Functioning autism. No love, laughter, affection, just obsessive about work. No time for family. No time for holidays or friendships. Cancels all our social plans at the last minute. His behaviour was abusive whenever I forced him out of his comfort zone.

I left our family home 3 weeks ago with DC to stay with my parents and I don’t ever want to go back. He has bombarded me with texts, letters etc saying he realises his behaviour has been unacceptable and he wants to prove he can be the best husband and father. I have asked him so many times to do couples counselling etc and he always refused. Now he wants us to go to counselling.

The truth is I don’t want to be there anymore. His terrible behaviour towards me has eroded the great Love I felt for him when we married. Plus I don’t believe he can change.

In terms of managing your situation you can get good info from the national autistic society (I’ll see if I can link it) and for yourself there is good information on The Neurotypical and Faaas websites.

Your H will never change. My H will never change. I think accepting this is the key to a new, happier life apart.

HollowTalk · 13/04/2019 22:27

I would say nothing about the affair and I wouldn't move out. He has made your marriage intolerable. He should be the one to leave.

Supersimpkin · 13/04/2019 22:33

Mate, you've tried and tried again. You won't win. He has to go.

Original poster

AgedandConfused · 14/04/2019 08:11

He would never move out. We will probably have to sell the house to cover debts and things. So I'd have to move out anyway. Neither of us could afford to buy the other person out.

I'm going to have another chat tonight.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 14/04/2019 08:35

You need to tell him his change and promises have come too late, because you don't have those feelings for him anymore.

His actions have affected how you feel about him and you've decided that it would be in the best interests of everyone (especially the kids) to work on a develiping a good coparenting relationship moving forwards.

I'm not sure I could have come back from being compared to a 9 volt battery. My love for him would have died there and then.

Original poster

AgedandConfused · 14/04/2019 18:23

We talked again today. I explained that I didn't love him because of the behaviour, and even though he has been trying hard I can't rely on that as I'm the past he has easily reverted.

He said he couldn't live without me and this family is all he has.

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 14/04/2019 18:34

As tough as it is you need to stop discussing it with him now. You be said your piece, now is time for sorting out the practical. He will use every trick in the book to break you into changing your mind

user1486131602 · 14/04/2019 18:36

And as far as I can see, it's about what he can't do without.
What about you? You can stay and let him erode you as he has your love, then what do you do.
His concern is misplaced. He had time to make sure things didn't come to this again and chose not to.
Time for you to do the same, look after yourself and look forward to making a happy life with your dc xx

bluejelly · 14/04/2019 18:40

LexMitior · 14/04/2019 18:40

You don’t love him. He wants you to ignore that. Too true that he will have nothing if you leave.

Why on earth has he treated you so badly if that is how he feels? Because those words may sound reasonable, but he sounds very unreasonable and nasty.

You may feel guilt, and he’s working on that. What do you need? Can he do any of it?

You need to decide, and now act. He will act like a dog dragging its bottom rather go for a walk. But he will do nothing at all or worse, he will get ready to leave you hanging to control what happens.

bluejelly · 14/04/2019 18:42

Sorry pressed send too soon. to you OP.
I agree with Desmondo, you need to stop discussing it with him and just take action. He will beg and plead but you have to stay strong. Life is too short to spend in an abusive and unhappy relationship. You will find happiness without him.

MarieG10 · 15/04/2019 07:18

You are just not going to make this work and need to come up with a plan as to how you separate. He isn't going to, and has made it clear so the onus is in you

SandyY2K · 15/04/2019 08:06

He said he couldn't live without me and this family is all he has

Really! Thats how he treats someone he can't live without?

If he felt that way he would have cherished you. He did far from that.

Maybe he should have thought about that earlier.

Quite simply...it's too late and your mind is made up.

sassandfaff · 15/04/2019 08:32

Remember the coercing that he used to make you have sex with him?

He's implemented that tactic again now.

Original poster

AgedandConfused · 15/04/2019 12:00

I know all this and it is still hard. Some of the behaviour- the nasty comments are his version of meltdowns. My dd does the same when she is finding life hard to cope with. She lashes out on me, either physically or verbally.

Neither of us can move out, we can't afford it. My head is such a mess, I really need some space to work it all out, but that can't happen. We don't even have a spare room, nor any family nearby that one person could stay with.

But I know, I was so certain this was what I wanted. I never expected this response from him. I expected him to be angry or stressed about the financial impact. I never expected this.

I'm not ignoring the advice, I know you are all right.

OP posts:

Smilemumof2 · 28/04/2019 08:55

@AgedandConfused are you ok hun x

Original poster

AgedandConfused · 29/04/2019 11:32

I'm ok. I agreed to try counselling for the sake of the children and the time invested in the marriage. He has been much better and different, not sure if he can maintain it. I think if I thought it was just him being abusive I'd just go, but because I know it is likely his ASD and misunderstanding that causes this I feel the need to let him try.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/04/2019 14:45

this family is all he has

Read that back OP... he is, intentionally or not, emotionally blackmailing you. You are already taking steps that you do not want to take. You are already putting his needs ahead of yours. You are already accepting that you are the cause of this, that you are the one doing this bad thing!

STOP IT!

ALl that has happened is you have reached the end of your ability to overlook his behaviour. It matters not one whit that his autism might be behind it. YOU DO NOT WANT TO CONTINUE COPING WITH IT. That's it!

So ask yourself: why are you aquiescing to his demands? Why do you feel the need to let him try. ? It won't make you feel any happier. It won't change him in the long run. It will simply prolong your unhappiness. So why?

If you can answer that and are willing to accept the cost to yourself then go to the counselling, be honest, blunt, and let the counsellor help him work it through. But don't ever pervaricate. Don't be nice to save him some hurt. You'll totally undermine the process.

Best of luck!

Smilemumof2 · 29/04/2019 14:59

Just take each day as it comes, I can understand why your trying, im in a similar position to yourself.
Just don't make yourself miserable babe xx

Moffa · 29/04/2019 18:34

@curiousaboutsamphire I think that is good advice (especially for me!)

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