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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Great first date, but is this a reason for no second date

56 replies

mumhasanicebum · 08/04/2019 10:46

I've been talking to someone a few days who I met online dating, we spoke on the phone and really got along well and decided to book a date in. We went for lunch and drinks at a lovely country pub he picked, which was between both of our locations. Conversation flowed easily, we laughed and felt very comfortable in each other companies by the time lunch finished. We decided to sit outside by the canal and chat with a bit more privacy. I felt relaxed enough to tell him about my difficult breakup with my ex and he said as I shared that with him that he wanted to share something with me. He told me that he had a restraining order on him from his ex girlfriend. He said that they had rented a house together and things went bad very quickly, she left and he had to sort out all the money. He admitted he contacted her repeatedly about money owed on the property and ignored a warning from the police as he was massively out of pocket. He said he did a program through the courts which has helped him see he was in the wrong and shouldn't of harassed her for the money. He was happy to admit he was wrong and it's taught him a lot and something he was ashamed of. He wanted to be honest and understood why I might not see him again. I couldn't see any other red flags and he does seem like a gentleman. I don't know what to do now.

OP posts:
michaelbaubles · 08/04/2019 10:49

Now then, do you think they hand out restraining orders lightly?

Come on, think about it.

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2019 10:51

Good to know that early
Don't see him again

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/04/2019 10:54

Run for the hills. I doubt they give a restraining order for a few phone calls

pessimisticstateofperception · 08/04/2019 10:57

He has told you a watered down version of the actual story so that when you hear snippets of it from elsewhere you feel like you have the honest explanation already.

Run for the hills and don't look back.

ukgift2016 · 08/04/2019 11:00

Darling you need to look up what a restraining order is. You cannot get one for phone calls.

He was so obsessed with his ex he ignored police warnings. This is concerning and a huge red flag.

My sbeh had a criminal record because of a previous ex. Of course he told me his side of the story and I believed him. In time...I realised he was an abusive twat.

Lot of these men have history of abuse so I hope you take caution.

stacktherocks · 08/04/2019 11:01

He doesn’t respect women’s boundaries.

Even if he was struggling financially when the police tell you to stop contacting someone you stop contacting them.

I wouldn’t see him again. Ever. Be careful OP, you could dodge a bullet here. The courts don’t pay to force you through a program lightly. It won’t have been just about the money!

SparklyMagpie · 08/04/2019 11:05

Not a chance I'd be taking. I'd be off

DobbysLeftSock · 08/04/2019 11:07

Yep, that'd be a bye bye from me.

Momzilla82 · 08/04/2019 11:11

This is pretty easy surely, you make an application under Claire's law and then if he's told the truth you can make a decision on the basis of the facts. But for me it would be an automatic no.

pissedonatrain · 08/04/2019 11:11

I wouldn't see him again and our of curiosity look up the actual court order.

DaffoDeffo · 08/04/2019 11:13

I would agree with Momzilla82. At least he told you would be my generous starting point but I would certainly be doing a lot more background checking before meeting him again (if I ever did).

Bezalelle · 08/04/2019 11:15

Yep. Claire's Law.

HollowTalk · 08/04/2019 11:19

I doubt if you can get a restraining order just for reminding someone they owe you money.

I think you shouldn't have been talking about your own private life with someone like that on a first date, too. He was a stranger - talking about difficult break ups is not a first date conversation.

pessimisticstateofperception · 08/04/2019 11:19

I'm not sure they would give any information out under Claire's law in this instance. This man isn't the ops partner, or her ex, he hasn't shown any behaviour towards her that may be deemed concerning either. It's not as easy as simply applying and being told any information.

Surely the best thing to do after 1 date would be to cut and run, who wants to start a relationship by making applications to the police?

CandyCreeper · 08/04/2019 11:21

agree with pessimisticstateofperception its not worth it, its been one date. move on, they all act great.. at first.

alittlesnow · 08/04/2019 11:25

MASSIVE red flag alert!

The hills are that way ... 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

Noname99 · 08/04/2019 11:27

You can not use Claire’s law to have confidential information disclosed for a bloke you’ve met once!!
For goodness sake people, try google before advising nonsense.
I’d play it by ear and go on another date. But then again, I believe that people can make mistakes and can learn from them and change for the better.

OrchidInTheSun · 08/04/2019 11:34

In the UK, restraining orders can only be issued during criminal proceedings, so in order to get a restraining order against someone, you must take that person to court first.

This is not just because of a few phone calls.

Original poster
mumhasanicebum · 08/04/2019 11:41

Yes I don't think it's a good idea. The more I look in to it I know they don't hand them out unless it's really bad

OP posts:
OurChristmasMiracle · 08/04/2019 11:41

Im sorry but by opening up to him about your bad breakup he has seen you as being vunerable and abusers look for people who are vulnerable, in order to be able to abuse them. He’s shared this information to make it look like he is open and honest but realistically it’s very watered down. He will eventually use the “you’re only thinking like that because of what your ex did”etc

Run now whilst you can Flowers

pessimisticstateofperception · 08/04/2019 11:42

Have you tried googling his name, see what comes up there?

Equalityumber · 08/04/2019 12:44

Major red flag there.

For future reference, I wouldn’t mention a break up or an ex on a first date. No one wants to hear about your ex and as another poster pointed out it can put you in a vulnerable position.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 08/04/2019 12:47

Not a chance in hell would I be meeting him again.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 08/04/2019 12:50

I once had a date with someone. He was ok and was indecided whether to see him again when he told me he'd been investigated for sexual assault against his 14 year old step daughter. He argued his innocence but I couldn't get it out my mind and dumped him.

headinhands · 08/04/2019 12:54

There are millions of men out there whose exes have never needed to get a restraining order on them. Why would you choose one of the few that have???

There is no way he has told you the full and frank truth. I'm thinking a previous dalliance has done the Claire's law thing on him and he's trying to get in there first before you do it when he starts getting weird.