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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Great first date, but is this a reason for no second date

56 replies

mumhasanicebum · 08/04/2019 10:46

I've been talking to someone a few days who I met online dating, we spoke on the phone and really got along well and decided to book a date in. We went for lunch and drinks at a lovely country pub he picked, which was between both of our locations. Conversation flowed easily, we laughed and felt very comfortable in each other companies by the time lunch finished. We decided to sit outside by the canal and chat with a bit more privacy. I felt relaxed enough to tell him about my difficult breakup with my ex and he said as I shared that with him that he wanted to share something with me. He told me that he had a restraining order on him from his ex girlfriend. He said that they had rented a house together and things went bad very quickly, she left and he had to sort out all the money. He admitted he contacted her repeatedly about money owed on the property and ignored a warning from the police as he was massively out of pocket. He said he did a program through the courts which has helped him see he was in the wrong and shouldn't of harassed her for the money. He was happy to admit he was wrong and it's taught him a lot and something he was ashamed of. He wanted to be honest and understood why I might not see him again. I couldn't see any other red flags and he does seem like a gentleman. I don't know what to do now.

OP posts:
headinhands · 08/04/2019 13:01

I know someone who falls very quickly for dates. She says 'but there was a connection' as if we should pursue a relationship with anyone we feel comfortable with. I tell her that well adjusted people connect all the time with people around them because that's just being human. It's not the universe saying 'he's the one' but she seems to think otherwise. It doesn't seem to matter how dodgy the guy is, if she feels like they connected then inevitably she hurtles headlong into a toxic relationship that takes some effort to extricate herself from when she realises he's an asshole.

AverageMan · 08/04/2019 13:04

I've never heard of somebody getting a restraining order against someone over an unpaid debt. Sounds very dubious.

Sounds like he's trying to pre-empt the difficult conversation and win brownie points for honesty.

Musti · 08/04/2019 13:09

Without knowing the first thing about restraining orders, I can guess that it has to be pretty serious before they're handed out.

onionchucker · 08/04/2019 13:18

He's obviously going to tell you a nice cleaned-up version of what happened. He's painting himself as reformed etcetc - did a program through the courts etc.
He had a restraining order and he had to go on a program to understand what he did wrong.
He ignored a warning from the police about "contacting" her about the money. Was it really just phone calls? Or was he going round and making a nuisance of himself or shouting abuse on the phone.

Plenty of people have to sort out financial issues with exes but do this without ending up having to have a restraining order.

Just end it now.
If things go wrong between you who knows what will happen. Maybe he has learned something from the previous fiasco and maybe not.

Bringbackthestripes · 08/04/2019 13:23

He has said all the right things about being wrong and ashamed of himself, and that may be true, but would you want to be in the situation of finding out if he’s a reformed man?

www.rocketlawyer.co.uk/article/restraining-orders.rl

Dieu · 08/04/2019 13:32

See, I'm torn. If it planned out like he said it did, then his ex really did leave him in the shit.

BUT please don't reveal so much about yourself so early on, particularly to someone potentially abusive. The last thing you want to do is come across as weak (not for a minute am I saying you are) or vulnerable.
Sure, talk about these things further down the line, but never on date1!

Hiddenaspie1973 · 08/04/2019 13:34

Don't pursue this one. Lucky it's come up early.
On to the next one.

NameChangeNugget · 08/04/2019 13:36

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Run!

LumpyPillow · 08/04/2019 13:48

Seriously, well done for questioning it, asking here and researching it. You have done yourself a massive favour. Block, and celebrate the fact that you have avoided an unneccessary shitload of pain and trouble!Flowers

MrBrown · 08/04/2019 14:00

Surprised no one else has mentioned this but are you sure it's an actual restraining order? Because it could be a non molestation order which is a little bit different, but in my experience they both get used under the blanket term 'restraining order' for ease of understanding, as not everyone knows what a non molestation order is or that there's a difference.

And no you can't get a Claire's law after 1 bloody date 😂

HedgerowTree · 08/04/2019 14:03

He saw you as vulnerable after your break up story. Told you a nice version of his restraining order to make you feel endeared to him and he can mould you all the way. Run away.

MrBrown · 08/04/2019 14:06

Not that I'm saying a non molestation order isn't as serious, but anyone can get a non molestation order against anyone for anything really, but restraining orders are issued after a criminal court case.

If it is a restraining order as others have said there is likely more to the story than what he has told you btw. He's likely tried to tell it as simply as he can so it doesn't sound half as bad as the reality.

Original poster
mumhasanicebum · 08/04/2019 14:06

I checked it wasn't a non mol with him and he said it was a restraining order. I've decided i'm not seeing him again and have messaged saying I don't want to have a second date and have now blocked.

OP posts:
pessimisticstateofperception · 08/04/2019 14:28

Well done op Flowers

awakeinthenight · 08/04/2019 14:49

My daughter's a police officer and she says they're handed out like smarties. Check out ex parte orders.

Of course, we don't know the circumstances in detail of OP's date but I do know of someone that got issued with one incorrectly based on untruths and got it overturned by the court. Just for balance.

awakeinthenight · 08/04/2019 14:51

Crosspost. Seen the OP's latest update

headinhands · 08/04/2019 15:03

And no you can't get a Claire's law after 1 bloody date 😂

I didn't suggest she could. I was thinking if he starts being abusive later on op might have pursued Claire's law. It maybe that a previous gf of he guy had done this after they'd been dating and he became abusive and he wanted to tell her and spin it first.

CandyCreeper · 08/04/2019 15:42

headinhands* She isnt referring to your comment, she is referring to

This is pretty easy surely, you make an application under Claire's law and then if he's told the truth you can make a decision on the basis of the facts. But for me it would be an automatic no. and 2 other posters agreed to do Claires law.

formerbabe · 08/04/2019 15:45

Run

He sounds dangerous

MrBrown · 08/04/2019 16:24

Candy is absolutely right, that wasn't aimed at you headinhands.

Shefliesonherownwings · 08/04/2019 16:43

Having worked in criminal law, restraining orders are more common than peole think and can be granted even where someone is aquitted of an offence. The order can also be for a short amount of time, say 6 months or up to 5 years. The poster above who said they're handed put like smarties is more accurate, probbaly one of the most common applications ive dealt with in court and not much needed to grant one. Repeated contact about a debt could easily be classified as harassment. You might want to ask him how long the order was for and the terms, for example was he ordered not to contact this person only or was he also ordered not to he near her home or work which would indicate a more serious level of harassment.

SteveTheSpiderPlant · 08/04/2019 16:57

I have been on both sides of this. I dated a man who had a restraining order against him having believed all of his lies about a psycho ex, he came clean on the first date and seemed so charming... It took less than 3 months for him to start threatening me.

I have also got a restraining order on another ex. I had to take him to court and he was convicted of harassment, he had threatened to kill me, broke into my house twice, stolen my pet, threatened to beat up my teenage son... prior to that I had a non molestation order against him which I still needed lots of evidence for. Call logs, screen shots of social media and messages etc.

If someone has gone to the effort of getting a restraining order against him I would say you have done the right thing by blocking him.

CandyCreeper · 08/04/2019 16:57

I agree that they are quite easily handed out, my sister has one against her ex and is what over phone calls from her ex partner, although they were threatening, but those who say it wont be given out because of just phone calls are incorrect.

LexMitior · 08/04/2019 17:43

Good move to no date! Professionally and personally men who end up with these orders are bad news. The men who receive them by the courts are entitled.

They often claim it’s all made up but judges don’t give them out on the basis of nothing.

Lockcodger · 08/04/2019 18:56

Please run for the hills! I have a thread called Arsehole or Narcissist which lists alot of the red flags for abusive/narcissistic men. A restraining order is a HUGE red flag and these men are highly manipulative and can explain anything away. If you believe him, you've passed his first test to see if you will be a good target. Trust your gut it must be screaming at you to run if you've posted on here.

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