Dealing with procrastination in a OH (without nagging)

[beesgobzzz]

First off, I'd like to say that my DH is a good man, a great father who loves our little DS to bits. He is good at some things like managing our finances and helping with cooking and cleaning of the kitchen (we alternate who does this each evening).

However he is a terrible procrastinator and I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with.

Yesterday we had a massive fight over him doing the laundry.

Friday evening I asked him if he could do a couple loads of laundry on Sat as he was home with DS whilst I was out at a hen do.

He then decided to go out on Sat with DS and "didn't have time". I only left the house at 12:45pm and know that he spent most of the morning on the sofa, before going out with DS at around 2pm.

Sunday morning he still didn't make a start on the laundry, so I reminded him. He put one load in. Once it was complete he just left it in the washer for a good hour or more before I asked him to please go hang the laundry up and put the next load in. Which he very reluctantly did. That load finished and was left on bottom step for an hour until the next load was finished. The two loads then sat there for god knows how long. Eventually at about 6:30pm he went upstairs and started hanging them up and folding the dry laundry. At 7:20pm I asked him to come downstairs and put DS to bed whilst I got on with dinner.

He was STILL hanging the laundry. And furious at me because he can do nothing right and he was only doing what I asked and now I am interrupting him to sort out DS.

My point is that if he had just done it more efficiently or done atleast some of it on Saturday when he was home in the morning, he wouldn't have had so much to do Sunday evening.

I hate nagging him to do things, but if I don't he just does half a job and then leaves it. Or doesn't do the job at all. The laundry could have been done in 3 hours but he spread it over an entire day.

Some historical examples.

• We assembled DS nursery furniture when I was pregnant. The bookshelf, chest of drawers and wardrobe needed to be attached to the wall but he didn't have the right fittings at the time. He then bought the correct fittings. I asked him over and over again, for almost a year before it got done. And he didn't even do it himself, a visiting relative helped us out.
• The year before our wedding he admitted to me that he had £4000 worth of unclaimed work expenses that he 'hadn't gotten around to' dealing with. That's for £4000 of our personal money that he had spent on travel, hotel, etc and not claimed back from work. I was fuming. He was lucky his finance department agreed to pay it back, as it's was a years worth all at once. Most companies won't go back further than 3 months.
• We currently live in a new build that doesn't need much in the way of home repairs, but he want's to buy a larger property that is "more of a project" that has more space for DS. This terrifies me because he can't even get basic jobs done around our current home.

Sorry this is such a long post, but I am just trying to illustrate that this is a problem that causes issues both at home and at work.

I hate that my son hears me constantly on at his father. He is only 15 months but soon he is going to start understanding what we're saying and I don't want him to be affected by us bickering.

Does anyone have any advice on dealing with procrastination in a partner? How can I motivate him to do things without nagging him? I hate the way I sound when I do. I am generally quite a relaxed person, who is not at all a neat freak or needs to have a spotlessly clean house. But we both work and I don't see why he can't just see something needs doing and do it without me having to go on about it.

I guess there are currently no negative consequences to his procrastination.

He procrastinates, he tunes out your 'nagging', he eventually does it in his own time or someone helps him or someone does it.

When calm, does he acknowledge this as a failing or still feel he's an adult and can do his jobs when he wants to?

If he can see how frustrating it is, can he suggest a solution? Would a written list help, a 'must be done today' list written down can help some people focus. What if you didn't do jobs that were important to him?

It's a man thing. A combination of laziness, an inherent feeling that housework is women's work, and a sense that if he doesn't do it, then someone else (you) will! Plus, he doesn't really care, does he?

What's the answer? Idk. Maybe go on strike? You won't cook for him until it's done?

He is not "procrastinator", he simply does not prioritise any of these things, even though he knows they are important to you. Or he agrees to do them to get you off his back, and does barely a half-assed job to avoid you asking him to do future tasks.

I would be laying it down for him that regardless of whether these things are important to him or not, they are important to YOU and therefore your relationship. It's up to him whether he can make the effort for the sake of your relationship but if not then you will show him the door. Make it crystal clear what you expect from him and that he needs to pull his weight as that's a dealbreaker.

Sounds harsh but if you don't come down hard in this, you'll be stuck carrying the mental (and physical) load for the rest of your lives together.

@Gyles Last night we had a talk and he does recognise that he has a problem. He's purchased the Marie Kondo book to help him get more organised. The problem is I doubt he'll ever actually get around to reading it.

I have tried a list before and he didn't appreciate that. I think part of it is a power struggle, he doesn't like me telling him what to do.

I've tried only doing my laundry before and leaving his. He was absolutely furious and said we are supposed to be a team. But honestly it's disgusting how long he can go without doing things. In our entire relationship he has never once changed the bed linen. And if I leave it he'll just sleep in dirty sheets until I break and do it myself.

Relationship advice please. Ive had to move out for a while but go visit my partner every weekend or he comes to me. Anyway i went through his messages and over the last month or so hes befriended several women on facebook that he either knew from years ago or recently met in pubs. He texts them things like "good morning x" and "really good to spend some time with you" and "missed you in the pub last night" and "💋💋💋💋💋💋". I dont think this is right and its really upset me. I feel like he's playing me or looking for someone better. He says im working myself up, theres nothing in it and that i dont trust him. He said he wouldnt have wrote the text if i was with him though. And im talking about a minimum of 4 women that i know about. I just feel so worthless right now. He says hes not going to stop texting women or going for a drink with them. Please advise xx

So if you don't do his washing then he's annoyed because you're a team but when he doesn't contribute to household work then that's fine

He needs to step the fuck up. Buying a marie kondo book is not enough! If he doesn't start doing more then you need to walk away

prayers please start your own thread. We can't deal with two people's problems at once!

@prayers , you should start a new thread for advice
Your boyfriend sounds like a knob though, dump him

And yes, OP, do your own washing, cook food for yourself and tell him if he doesn't buck up, he won't be sleeping in your bed either!

My DH is similar.

It took from August to the decent weather in Jan/Feb to cut the grass.
The house is full of part done jobs that drive me mad. His latest is he is going to redo the lawn...it has been shit since we moved in 4.5 years ago. We are hoping to be out by June...why now has he decided to sort it? (Landlord couldn't care less, it's in a better state than when we moved in, but he said not to bother on his account).
We're moving into a caravan while we look for some land to do a self build on...he is now talking about the decoration in that house, but we've not bought the caravan yet, let alone built the house he is talking about decorating, and then he gets shitty because I tell him that jobs (including decorating) need doing here first, and I will discuss colour schemes once I have got everything else sorted.

He left sulking this morning because I told him I didn't care about the fucking grass and could he please do jobs that actually need doing.

Apparently he was only doing the grass for me. He's going to do his mother's hedge after work now, so my jobs will still wait (we still have bloody Christmas lights up, and if I do them, it will be wrong because I won't roll them the right way 🤔)

Sorry, didn't mean to join your rant...but I share your pain.

I have had many conversations with him over the years about this. I have told him many times that he needs to do an equal share of the house work and explained about me having to carry the mental load of the family. Etc, etc.

He always just says yes to everything and then either doesn't do it or only part does it.

Or he'll go through a good patch of being really good at being on top of things, but it never really lasts.

Weekends and evenings are for relaxing, apparently, not getting stuff done. But I don't know when he thinks the rest of the world does their housework and household tasks.

@DIZZYTIGGER87

Lol, no worries rant away.

It so incredibly frustrating isn't it, atleast I'm not alone!

There's no reason for him to change though, you have a difficult conversation every few months and then everything carries on as usual

Have you read this?

www.google.com/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

Make a chart. List out all the chores and what day they need to get done on. Add all the "admin" tasks too because this is the mental load bit. Then ask him which tasks he can do. Then you each sign your initials next to it when it's done. It seems ridiculous but it helped my DH see visually how much he was letting me down. The key is not to nag. Just do your tasks.

He is passive aggressive. I would call him out on it! Quite honestly I would issue an ultimatum, and be prepared to follow through. You deserve better.

I hate the word nag. It’s sexist bullshit, and men use the word as a form of control when they cba to do anything.

As you were😁

Agree with violetbunny here.

Do some reading on passive-aggressiveness. It might be an eye-opener for you, OP! I've been there...

www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-a-Passive-Aggressive-Husband

I would say flat out there's no way you're moving to a 'project' house when there's so much left undone in this one.

Could you try saying in evenings / weekends 'let's both work on getting X job done for 30 minutes, then we'll both relax'. Then it has a time limit, and it's harder for him to say 'nope, I'm just going to sit on my arse but you go ahead'.

My dh is like this- he's very good at most things, just not prioritising the right thing. For example he will happily cook most nights but he often does some fancy roast minutes before the kids go to bed and then we're rushing around trying to feed them/get them ready for bed whilst cooking tea too.

We bought our house 9 years ago and it was a major project. We'd be in the house two weeks and I left him fitting a bath and toilet whilst I ran some errands. I came back a few hours later to find him and a friend laying old reclaimed bricks down the edge of the lawn because he thought it would look nice! We had no toilet for 3 weeks (thank god for local mum).

I don't think it's malicious, I just think he thinks different to me. He is getting better and I've found explaining my reasoning to him works rather than 'nagging' I.e the reason I would do this now is because I want to do this on a bit. It's patronising but it works.

@Shoxfordian Thanks for that link. I'm going to ask him to read it. Perhaps hearing it from a man's perspective will hit it home a little bit more for him.

@Blewbird Yes, I think this should be our next step.

@violetbunny & @countchuckula I totally agree there is an element of passive aggressiveness to him. I will read the link a bit later.

I understand your frustration, I am total neat freak and my DH is, well, not! It has caused many an argument over the years (we've lived together 14 years now). We have kind of met in the middle. I have to accept that it's his home too, and just because I like the 'showhome tidy' look doesn't mean he does. Just because I want the dinner dishes in the dishwasher immediately - does that mean they have to be? Not necessarily. If he says he'll do them, I leave him to it. It doesn't have to be right now, no one is going to die or get ill just because they sit there for an hour while he does something else (that, to him, is equally important).

You should read the relationship section in "The Chimp Paradox". The upshot is that you expect someone else to conform how you want things. Because that expectation isn't met, then it upsets you. In said book, Professor Peter Stevens covers this off as you are the one that needs to adjust, not DH, by managing your expectations and responses to your emotions better (but don't suppress them), or find someone who has the same expectations as you. DH is a grown man and entitled to make decisions about when he does the laundry.

Since he has so much cash to flash get a cleaner - put laundry on her list of jobs!
I clean and do the laundry of a busy household.
Win win. No stress for you, and some cleaning done too!

@ScatteredMama82 & @MrDrummer I hear what you are both saying, but the reality is that I have been with him for long enough to know that he just won't do it.

Trust me I have tried the, ask him once and leave him to it approach.

Also, I am far from a neat freak. Our house isn't spotless. I'm talking the most basic level of household chores to keep the place in a reasonable state. Usually I do 95% of the laundry. The only reason he had to do any this weekend is because I was out at a hen do on the Saturday when I'd usually have done it myself.