Dealing with procrastination in a OH (without nagging)

[beesgobzzz]

First off, I'd like to say that my DH is a good man, a great father who loves our little DS to bits. He is good at some things like managing our finances and helping with cooking and cleaning of the kitchen (we alternate who does this each evening).

However he is a terrible procrastinator and I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with.

Yesterday we had a massive fight over him doing the laundry.

Friday evening I asked him if he could do a couple loads of laundry on Sat as he was home with DS whilst I was out at a hen do.

He then decided to go out on Sat with DS and "didn't have time". I only left the house at 12:45pm and know that he spent most of the morning on the sofa, before going out with DS at around 2pm.

Sunday morning he still didn't make a start on the laundry, so I reminded him. He put one load in. Once it was complete he just left it in the washer for a good hour or more before I asked him to please go hang the laundry up and put the next load in. Which he very reluctantly did. That load finished and was left on bottom step for an hour until the next load was finished. The two loads then sat there for god knows how long. Eventually at about 6:30pm he went upstairs and started hanging them up and folding the dry laundry. At 7:20pm I asked him to come downstairs and put DS to bed whilst I got on with dinner.

He was STILL hanging the laundry. And furious at me because he can do nothing right and he was only doing what I asked and now I am interrupting him to sort out DS.

My point is that if he had just done it more efficiently or done atleast some of it on Saturday when he was home in the morning, he wouldn't have had so much to do Sunday evening.

I hate nagging him to do things, but if I don't he just does half a job and then leaves it. Or doesn't do the job at all. The laundry could have been done in 3 hours but he spread it over an entire day.

Some historical examples.

• We assembled DS nursery furniture when I was pregnant. The bookshelf, chest of drawers and wardrobe needed to be attached to the wall but he didn't have the right fittings at the time. He then bought the correct fittings. I asked him over and over again, for almost a year before it got done. And he didn't even do it himself, a visiting relative helped us out.
• The year before our wedding he admitted to me that he had £4000 worth of unclaimed work expenses that he 'hadn't gotten around to' dealing with. That's for £4000 of our personal money that he had spent on travel, hotel, etc and not claimed back from work. I was fuming. He was lucky his finance department agreed to pay it back, as it's was a years worth all at once. Most companies won't go back further than 3 months.
• We currently live in a new build that doesn't need much in the way of home repairs, but he want's to buy a larger property that is "more of a project" that has more space for DS. This terrifies me because he can't even get basic jobs done around our current home.

Sorry this is such a long post, but I am just trying to illustrate that this is a problem that causes issues both at home and at work.

I hate that my son hears me constantly on at his father. He is only 15 months but soon he is going to start understanding what we're saying and I don't want him to be affected by us bickering.

Does anyone have any advice on dealing with procrastination in a partner? How can I motivate him to do things without nagging him? I hate the way I sound when I do. I am generally quite a relaxed person, who is not at all a neat freak or needs to have a spotlessly clean house. But we both work and I don't see why he can't just see something needs doing and do it without me having to go on about it.

Just tell him that every little act is “killing the love” - if he wants death by a thousand cuts then be clear that’s where he is heading - but you won’t let it take that long.

If it is about power then you need to reframe it as him disrespecting your partnership.

Don’t let him drag you sleepwalking from the nag into be being that resentful, angry, frustrated woman - your DC don’t need a Mum like that.

What was his family life like? Overbearing DM? Was he the golden child?

@Chocolateisfab We do have a cleaner, well two ladies actually. But we can only afford them for an hour every other week. They do the floors, dusting etc. Unfortunately we are not well off enough for them to come more regularly or stay long enough to sort some laundry for us.

I am more of a slob than a neat-freak and my ex was okay with chores really. It was which he can do and in fact is rather good at.

We bought a fixer-upper but a lot of stuff remained unfixed. We bought a new bath which sat in our kitchen for six months. He wouldn't do stuff or follow through on promises, but at the same time wouldn't let me call in a professional to do the job instead. Like a pride thing?

Anyway, it used to drive me to frustration, and yes, nagging. Which I think he wanted in as he was very PA as it turned out. He used to then enjoy playing the victim henpecked husband at the mercy of the nagging wife. Whereas, the way I saw it, he did or did not do, exactly as he pleased and ran the whole show. Nightmare!

First sentence meant to say He was good at DIY when he wanted to be.

(we still have bloody Christmas lights up, and if I do them, it will be wrong because I won't roll them the right way

OMG, yes! It's when they won't do something but won't let you do it or let you get help from another source. That's not laziness - that's definitely PA behaviour.

You're trying to control DH. If he doesn't do it, it's on him. The fact that it irks you is on you.

@another20 That's a good way to describe it and certainly how I feel!

MIL is not overbearing as such. I'd say FIL is the overbearing one, MIL was expected to have dinner on the table everynight by the time he got home, despite working half days herself and having two boys to care for.

He certainly is the golden child, he was born with a minor birth defect (vision related) which MIL feels horribly guilty about. It's not her fault at all, just one of those random things. He has glasses / contacts to correct it. But she does tend to over compensate in my opinion.

@MrDrummer So what is your solution? I just let him do as he pleases whilst I work, care for DS and do all household chores?

You need to agree minimum standards. Then decide what is fair. Then do the chart. But he does have to agree what those minimum standards are. And it will likely be lower than you'd like but that's the compromise.

It helped us to separate out our laundry. I don't do his and he doesn't do mine. He does DSs laundry and I do DDs. If it's not done it's not your problem. Don't solve it for him.

I'd say FIL is the overbearing one, MIL was expected to have dinner on the table everynight by the time he got home, despite working half days herself and having two boys to care for

Sounds like your DH is a chip off the old block, then?

DH is a grown man and entitled to make decisions about when he does the laundry.

And I am betting that you think that the decision of when men should do the laundry is 'never' AMIRITE?

@countchuckula No not really. He doesn't expect me to have dinner waiting for him. He is good at helping with making dinner, and cleaning the kitchen. This part of our relationship works well. One of us cooks, the other cleans and we alternate daily. He also happily cares for DS, changing nappies, feeding him, etc. FIL would never have done that.

@Blewbird I'll suggest separating laundry when we have the conversation about putting together a cleaning chart of some kind.

I think it worth reading the book I mentioned. Let me put it this way, you are really unhappy/stress and the laundry still isn't getting done.

I think what I am suggesting is that better to focus on what you can do to fix your situation (your situation that you are unhappy), rather than relying on DH to fix it (because I doubt he will).

DH is a grown man and entitled to make decisions about when he does the laundry.

MrDrummer If this is family laundry and the out put or the process impacts on other people in the family then this should be discussed, negotiationed and planned.

@sackrifice I am not saying that at all. Where the hell did that come from? What I am saying is that no person is entitled to tell another person when or what they should do. And if a person feels entitled to that, then I think they are going to be unhappy.

He has to pull his weight whether he wants to or not it’s that simple, why is it all on OP to do all the household tasks and what sounds like all of the DIY whilst he swans about deciding not to do anything for no good reason. It’s not procrastinatination it’s laziness, he’s not doing it because he doesn’t want to because ultimately he knows you’ll come along and do it OP he’s taking advantage. You have a right to live in a hygienic comfortable home more than he has a right to say ‘no you can’t tell me what to do’ how ridiculous. He’s living there too, he’s dirtying the dishes, bedding, clothing etc too so it’s 50% his responsibility to clean them whether he likes or wants to do so or not!

If my 7 year old can change his own bed your husband can too!

You have a right to live in a hygienic comfortable home

Absolutely true, but that's not DHs responsibility. DH has the right to live in a pigsty if he wants to. Def don't be doing his laundry, though! He needs to understand the consequences of his actions... notice when his clothes aren't clean!

Perhaps you aren't a good match. I am scratching my head about the statement about the £4000 of unclaimed expenses, before you were married... why did you marry someone whom you knew to be so intolerably lazy/prone to procrastinate?

Not all men are like that. My dp does his own laundry, puts the washing out on the line, brings it in and does his own ironing. He cleans the kitchen on a Saturday, and cooks dinner. And he'll help me change the bedlinen - I take the sheets off the bed, so that at bedtime either we make the bed together, or he has no sheets (and he likes to go to bed early). He feeds the cats, and cuts the grass. He'd help me with grocery shopping except that I won't let him! He spends too much!

No he absolutely does not if he resides with OP Mr Drummer. If he wants to live in a pigsty then he needs to move out sharpish.

Though I suspect there is no reasoning with someone like you, a distinct woman’s work vibe is being secreted from you. Vile. Get your head out of the sand.

@snowball28

Actually we are in agreement on one thing. I think someone does have to move out. Not my place to say whom, whoever.

My DD turned 18 this year but I have been a single parent since DW passed 4 years ago. Last 4 years, I have cooked almost every meal, done all the laundry and done all the hoovering. Oh yeah, kept a full time job and sent DD to a private school.

I did all the laundry even before then. My DW suffered from incredible depression and after we separated, I used to go around there every weekend to do her and my DDs laundry because it wouldn't have got done otherwise. I am trying to offer some practical help towards a path of happiness. I suspect the OP is not prepared to own her own actions though, which is more at the heart of the matter, preferring to expect others to change to relieve her own unhappiness. Clearly what the OP has tried hasn't helped, so I am suggesting that there is more a fundamental issue here.

Maybe you can write a list of what you do, OP. Including stuff like remembering, so list includes small stuff like ' bin day tom, empty kitchen bin'
Need more bin liners
Dc need fruit for lunchboxes
Need cash for cleaners
Checked fridge - need x and y for the weekend
Car needs MOT phone garage
Then - next list
phoned garage
Went to Tesco etc etc

I am guessing that it's not just hanging out the washing every three months that is the problem - it is the day to day household manAgement for you whilst he lies on the sofa watching the tv.
Or it is in my case.
If you wrote a full list of all you do then asked him which he wants to take full responsibility for he might oblige more. And it's his choice, assuming an evenish split .

This is my DP all over. Especially the "didn't have time" thing. It drives me fucking nuts. We don't have DC yet and he's home all day (works in the evenings) but everything is "didn't have time" or "just didn't get round to it" (even essential things like walking the dog). I had a go at him a few weeks ago and he admits himself that its just pure laziness. Isn't doing very much about it though! Writing lists for him worked to a certain extent but it's the added workload of me actually having to think of things to put on the list... why can't he just look around the house and SEE what needs doing??

Also to a pp, I see your 3 weeks without a toilet and raise you 8 fucking months without a functional bathroom!!!

No advice clearly, OP but you have all my sympathy and if I find anything that works, I will be sure to let you know!

Actually we are in agreement on one thing. I think someone does have to move out. Not my place to say whom, whoever.

Don’t worry your nasty inference is clear.

My DD turned 18 this year but I have been a single parent since DW passed 4 years ago. Last 4 years, I have cooked almost every meal, done all the laundry and done all the hoovering. Oh yeah, kept a full time job and sent DD to a private school.

So you did your job just like what every other parent single or otherwise does? Not sure how that’s at all relevant here but okay.

The only person at fault here is OP’s husband for being a lazy arse and not prioritising his duties as a member of that household. It’s really very simple. OP is not at fault here though I’m sure you’ll carry on inferring she is anyway.

I stand by my earlier statement, you are vile.