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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Blowing me off or playing hard to get?

70 replies

Alexander1993 · 06/04/2019 14:32

Long story short: I go to the same health club as this girl I’ve been dating. I went up to her, introduced myself and we talked for 45 minutes. Ever since then we have been talking daily (one text a day on average) and been on two great dates. The first was a four hour lunch date and the second a dinner date after a talk we both went to and we were the last to leave the restaurant.

She told me, after the last date, that it was “such a great evening”. I had every reason to think it was going very well and hoped it would become something.

It’s now Saturday at 2:30pm. I last sent her a text at 10:30pm on Thursday which she read inbox friday at about 10pm. I’ve seen her since at our health club and she didn’t talk to me. She may have been busy but why not reply to the text or even acknowledge me?

What is going on? Everything up to this point has been great.

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 06/04/2019 14:33

Lost interest

TowelNumber42 · 06/04/2019 14:34

Text her and ask directly and nicely if she wants to keep dating or to go back to being just good friends.

TowelNumber42 · 06/04/2019 14:35

I also think she's not interested but the text allows a way to close it off with minimum angst and awkwardness.

HollowTalk · 06/04/2019 14:39

They weren't good friends to start with, though.

She sounds pretty rude, really. You had two good dates - she has no reason to just blank you like that.

bigchris · 06/04/2019 14:48

I think she met someone last night

KelvinHelmholtz · 06/04/2019 14:57

You posted before OP - advice on how to approach?

Not a good sign after two dates.

LuckyLou7 · 06/04/2019 15:00

She's obviously decided she's not interested in a third date. However, she should have the courtesy of telling you that, not just blanking you. That's rude.

trebless · 06/04/2019 15:02

I don't think she's playing hard to get op. Sorry. I think she sounds extremely rude though.

Time to move on and find someone who's worth your time.

Original poster

Alexander1993 · 06/04/2019 15:04

Yes that was me. This is the girl who I approached. I just don't get it.

Further to what I have said, in our speeches she said that she is big on kindness, she said that some guys have ghosted her in the past but they didn't need to because she thinks communicating is important (she is not saying anything to me so is in effect ghosting me) and so on. Seems hypocritical.

Also we have so much in common. I actually lost sleep last night and woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep because I was worried about it.

It really sucks because I thought it was going somewhere. Our mutual friend told me he thinks she is playing it cool and that I should give it a few days then text her again. If, and it is a big if, I do text her again then I will ask her to meet for a drink and I'll then ask her what she wants etc.

She did previously tell me that she enjoys time to herself and she may have been a bit overwhelmed with how quickly things were going - but they weren't going that quickly.. but still the two dates were within the course of a week and texting once a day etc.

Still, that isn't abnormal. I just hate games. I've been horribly messed around before by a narcissist who almost destroyed me and I rebuilt my life, self-esteem etc and I approached her because she seems like a really sweet girl.

She seemed to confirm how sweet she is to me on our dates - just getting to know her has been great and encouraging. I may be massively jumping the gun here by assuming she lost interest. I don't know.

The best thing I can do is just focus on myself and think about texting her on Monday or something. Maybe she just needs some space and doesn't know how to say it.

It's either that, she somehow and out-of-nowhere lost interest or she has been playing me the whole time - the latter I highly doubt.

Will let you all know when I find out. Thank you for your comments!

OP posts:

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 06/04/2019 15:06

I’m sorry to say that I don’t think she sounds interested either.

trebless · 06/04/2019 15:10

Did she actually see you when you were at the gym together? Did she make eye contact with you?

Original poster

Alexander1993 · 06/04/2019 15:13

I don't think she made eye contact with me but I was stretching and doing sit ups about 3 steps from where she was standing chatting to someone. She even, when I looked up and gave her a semi-wave, appeared move so the person she was chatting to would block her out. Maybe that was in my head though.

She was then doing a running class and I was lifting weights and so I was working out yards in front of her and she would have seen me.

I feel very down about it. Even if she is still interested, this isn't encouraging and this early on I shouldn't be losing sleep and feeling down because she can't reply to me. I feel like just lying in bed.

OP posts:

trebless · 06/04/2019 15:15

Well I'd send another message on Monday and then prepare myself to leave it if you get no response.

Original poster

Alexander1993 · 06/04/2019 15:17

Yeah that's what I'll probably do if I haven't heard from her but should I?

I'd probably just say "hey. hope you had a good weekend. just checking if you're ok and wondering if you want to grab a drink sometime this week?"

Short and to the point. If she says yes, when we meet I'll ask her what she wants. Even though it would only be the third date, as this has gone on it's apt to ask.

Honestly don't know though. It's also quite harsh for her to do this to me after talking daily and two really great dates. They were really meaningful too.

OP posts:

trebless · 06/04/2019 15:21

It does sound like these dates meant a lot to you....but maybe not to her.

If you do happen to go on a 3rd date then don't ask her what she wants! She's clearly the type that likes her independence etc etc so that wouldn't go down well. You will just come across as needy and vulnerable.

You could find that you just aren't compatible.

Weightsandmeasures · 06/04/2019 15:24

Don't even start getting bothered about this woman. Anyone who plays these mind games are not worth expending energy on. You know ir deep down. Please don't do this to yourself. Move on whilst you are not attached and can get over this quickly. A serious person wouldn't be playing these silly games.

Save you worries and energy for someone who respects you.

I know this may feel like a rejection to you but it really is a blessing. She is not worth someone as lovely as you. You do sound lovely. Many of these women when they are older will be desperately searching for someone as lovely as you. You will thankfully have been scooped up by a sensible woman.

Original poster

Alexander1993 · 06/04/2019 15:31

She said to me that time is precious in the context of telling her friend to stop going on loads of dates and just find a nice guy to be with. She seemed sensible like me.

She does seem to be an independent girl which I do admire. I know (although I never asked what) that she has been through some stuff mentally as she told me.

Also I know she used to be anorexic because of one of her instagram posts about overcoming it (she told me in person she used to be "quite fat" too ... maybe one came after the other). Anyway, she now seems to be like a strong person and that's great. But yeah if we go on a third date, I'd struggle not to ask her these things because they are quite fundamental to me now bearing in mind what has just gone on. I'd want to know what is going on in her head.

If this hadn't happened, I'd never ask on a third date. But as the above poster said, I shouldn't get bothered by her.

Thank you for your kind comments! I just wish girls my age (I'm 25 - she is 23) would be sensible and mature enough not to play these games.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alexander1993 · 06/04/2019 15:51

Our mutual friend just told me that he thinks it’s just space she needs and that she seemed happy when he asked her about our last date. Odd. But maybe it’s all just a space thing. I really will only find out in time.

OP posts:

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 06/04/2019 16:06

As previous posters have said:

Are you sure (as in 100% sure) that she saw you and registered you? Plenty of people are short sighted and don't wear glasses in the gym. People who are distracted may not notice you especially if they are concentrating on not dropping a weight on their head or a gym class. Have you never walked passed someone in the street who says hi to you who you know but you didn't clock as your mind was elswhere?

I last sent her a text at 10:30pm on Thursday which she read inbox friday at about 10pm.

What did the text say? Did it require a reply? Was it a question? Or was it more the sort of rubbish people text that doesn't require a reply of the nice weather we are having now. my day was great. type. A 24 hour delay to read suggests she's not a keen texter anywya.

It maybe she's expecting you to ask her out again if you are interested and if you haven't, she's interpretting you as being not interested. She may think you ignored her in the gym.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her out one more time. Then you'll know.

stofi · 06/04/2019 16:06

Was the dinner date an actual date or just eating together after a talk you both went to? Have you kissed?

MandalaYogaTapestry · 06/04/2019 16:12

Either way, do not place too much importance on this. It is supposed to be easy, not hard. Certainly not posting on MN for advice after 2 dates.

Original poster

Alexander1993 · 06/04/2019 16:12

Very valid points above. She may be waiting on me asking her out again. And no we haven’t kissed yet but that’s fine.

I asked her if she was going to the same talk I was going to and she said yes then I asked her - at the end of the first date - if she’d like to have dinner with me afterwards. She said yes and we did. We both have the same favourite restaurant and so we went there.

I may give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her out again. My message to her did require a response. I know she’s busy today and away with her mum tomorrow so I’ll text on Monday.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alexander1993 · 06/04/2019 16:14

She’s also commented on how we are so alike etc. There may be something in it about her not seeing me and then waiting for me to ask her out .. always very good to get other views. This shows why. And also our mutual friend said she was v happy after our last date.

OP posts:

concernedfellowmum · 06/04/2019 16:35

If it smells like shit and looks like shit....

If she was into you, you'd know. Needing space this early on is just an excuse.

Original poster

Alexander1993 · 06/04/2019 16:43

That’s the thing. I was sure she was. I’ll text her on Monday.

OP posts:

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