Partner seems to over react with illness/pain

[catnaps1995]

Hey everyone. I'm finding it really difficult to be sympathetic to my partner now when he is in pain or feeling poorly. It seems to be all the time. I know I can't measure the amount of pain someone is in but to me it seems like he is over reacting a lot of the time.
For example we can have the same illness but he acts like it affects him more. When we both had the flu I ended up taking him to hospital because of the way he was reacting. I had the flu a few days before and I was pregnant but I didn't react in the same way or go to hospital.
I feel like he expects me to pander to him every time he is in pain/poorly and all responsibilities (even just tidying up after himself) go out the window. I get that you do that when you love someone and I am trying to but it seems like he is in severe pain/severe sickness all the time. It feels ridiculous but perhaps maybe it isn't. He doesn't earn enough money for me and our baby yet he takes time of work (he is self employed) all the time due to being poorly.
Am I not giving him something that he needs? Or should I just grit my teeth and bare it and stop complaining? Or should I chat to him about it? I am finding it hard myself not to react with anger but I don't want to upset him.

I don’t have any advice because I have one just like this. Plus the extreme moping around for a few weeks after each ‘extreme’ illness. Plus he makes these random weird noises (like loud grunting) constantly regardless of which illness he has. Bad foot? Grunting. Bad cold? Grunting. Infected toe? Grunting. It’s very very annoying.

People can experience the same illness differently,surely you realise that?

Has he always been like this? What is he like in other ways? Does he often try to absolve himself of responsibility?

What did the hospital say when he went?

Yeah I know people react differently to different illnesses and that’s fine and I’m trying hard to not be cold and unsympathetic as I know my feelings around it aren’t the nicest. It’s just if he has a scratched eye he is incapable of moving his plate of his lap. It seems over the top but then again that’s my opinion and I don’t know what it is like in his head. Nobody can tell how much pain someone else is in

And the hospital just sent him home after checking him over and said it was the flu and it is common around this time of year. Told him to rest and drink fluids. Tbh I feel like when you haven’t had the flu in a while it can affect you a lot.

He doesn’t usually shy away from responsibility. I mean he does help with the housework, cooking and cleaning etc and I am very lucky for that and when I have been poorly in the past he has looked after me although maybe expected too much of me when I have been poorly. I dunno it’s just frustrating when he is poorly a lot of the time but it’s part of being in a relationship I suppose

Sounds like he’s milking it every opportunity he gets. Don’t pander to it. If he well enough to be out of bed and up and about then he’s well enough to crack on with day to day stuff like the rest of us.

It does sound over the top from what you have described.

Sounds like perfectly normal male behaviour to me. They call it "man flu" for a reason and there's heaps of "memes" about it showing a woman can be sick and still run a household, look after kids, function, etc a man can have the same thing and he's damn near dying, so it's common knowledge that men overreact to illness.

Amongst family and friends I haven't met anyone who's husband or partner doesn't over react when they are sick... It's just what they do.

TooMany What a load of sexist nonsense! My dad and my DH both push themselves when they're ill - they are both actually nightmares because they refuse to slow down.

OP if he gets ill often, that's not his fault (my immune system is rubbish and I catch everything) BUT being ill doesn't mean you can opt out of family life.
I would have a conversation with him. Explain you're happy to support him but he needs to do the best he can to boost his immune system and from now on, even if he's ill, he needs to do some of the basics.

I suffer migraines which regularly mean I have to go to bed and can't open my eyes. I don't expect DH to do more than his share, bring me drinks or medication or look after me particularly (although sometimes he does) - but that is his choice. I don't expect or demand it!

TooMany What a load of sexist nonsense! My dad and my DH both push themselves when they're ill - they are both actually nightmares because they refuse to slow down.

Call it what you want it's based on my personal experience... So good on them but it's not the normal IN MY EXPERIENCE....

There's always going to be exceptions and the old "but my dad... But my brother... But my but my..." but they didn't get all those joke pics from nowhere.... And we don't all live a sheltered perfect life as you do. Some of us live in the real world :)

Your experience is wonderful but not the usual. Don't care if it's" sexist" it's just how it is.

My ex H went to a specialist eye hospital in the early hours of the morning once with a "severe eye infection". It was a stye and they told him so. Another time he felt faint when he got out the bath so called an ambulance. "Flu" bad cold meant taking to his bed for days. A rash was a "severe infection". I couldn't cared less if he'd collapsed in front of me by the end. So tedious.

How often is he ill? What kind of illnesses? Has he always been like this?

Does he use a wobbly voice? Does he have a dressing gown of doom?

You might want to checkout thus thread from mumsnet classics!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3404648-Im-totally-unreasonable-DH-putting-on-a-ill-voice

Does he do "the voice" OP and does he have the dreaded dressing gown? 😂 He's milking it.

I mean he does help with the housework, cooking and cleaning etc and I am very lucky for that

You shouldn't feel 'lucky' he's only doing what he should be doing.

I would have no patience for this. It's like the boy who cried wolf, how do you know if it's something serious.

@Drogosnextwife

Was yours the post on the moaning groaning husband with the dreaded dressing gown? If it was you, dont worry bonfire night will be here before you know it 😂

Definately couldn't be arsed with that op....

I'm all for looking after someone when they're ill, but if he can lift the food to his mouth he can lift the plate off his lap.

Piss artist.

@AceOfSpades123

You could try sticking a couple of tampons in his nostrils or is it more of a mouth grunt??

😂

I went to A&E with DH, he sank to his knees whilst clutching the reception counter. It was very embarrassing but he did get seen quickly. He was wired up to machines super fast, nothing wrong, sent home.

Yes to the dressing gown of doom, and the week little voice. "What tablets shall I take?" is his favourite question.

Mine was pandered to by his Mum when he was sick and expected the same level of care from me. His Mum did not work.

In my family, Mum worked and you got sent to school. in Mum’s eyes, if you were sick enough, they would send you home.
Once you hit secondary school you looked after yourself.
Different expectations.
Now, he gets set up with tissues, drugs and fluids and left to his own devices.

Some people me included have genuine health anxiety which is awful.

My DH is a terrible patient. He has a cold at the moment. He has had it most of the week and is currently moaning that it is a truly terrible cold because it has lasted so long . He refuses to take any medication, definitely nothing decongestanty but not even paracetamol. He is grumpy with everyone. He blows his nose all the time, loudly, and inspects the contents of the tissue. This evening he told me that I have no idea how debilitating a cold is - no, I have Lupus so I clearly know nothing about painful, exhausting illnesses that last longer than you would like.
I'm starting to dislike him at the moment.

My husband pushes through and never fucking rests from his responsibilities, work, trying to look after us even when he has things pouring out of every orifice.

To be honest it is just as exasperating!

OP my brother is like your husband. It would drive me fucking insane. Esp. the work thing. I don't think you are overreacting.

As someone with a long term autoimmune disease, I’m sure my DH feels like this about me! But reading these did remind me of my own Dad, who I believe the term “Man Flu” was coined in honour of. I have a distinct memory of being about five or six and him “fainting” getting out of the bath when he had “flu” (almost certainly a cold). We all went running (well, me and my sister ran- looking back my Mum trudged, resignedly) and he was laid on the bathroom floor, groaning. Me and my sister rushed to help him up and my Mum sighed the sigh of someone who had had 15 odd years of this. She’s now had 45 years of it- not sure how she’s not left him when he’s got one of his bouts of “flu”. Especially as he doesn’t believe in taking anything for it unless you more or less hold him down and force the lemsip down his throat.