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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant and husband says our marriage is over

69 replies

Furbabymamagoose · 05/04/2019 03:34

NC for this. I'm writing this because I can't sleep after what's happened today and I need a hand hold.
I am 17 weeks pregnant with my first child. Been married 1.5 years, together 7 years.
He's told me today that he can't shake the feeling that he's not happy and there's something lacking and says he's felt like this for years. Says he loves me, but doesn't think it's in the same way I love him. Says everything we've done, buying a house, getting engaged, getting married, trying for a baby, was never really what he wanted to do and he only did those things to make me happy. Swears there is nobody else.
I am numb. He says he'll be there for me and the baby, but not as a husband anymore.
Just need some support. Everything I thought I knew about my life has just shattered into a thousand pieces.

OP posts:
liambaby1379 · 05/04/2019 03:42

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Do you have anyone close who you can confide in? Pregnancy can sometimes overwhelm men as they do not yet feel connected to the baby. We feel it immediately because we can feel the life growing inside of us. My husband and I were apart for the last 28 weeks of my second pregnancy and still did not get back together for another 6 months after that. It was devastating. Please find someone you trust who you can lean on right now.

user4858 · 05/04/2019 03:44

No advice really but had to reply I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's very unfair of him to have gone this far with you and to end it now. Do you think he could be freaking out about the big changes about to come?

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 05/04/2019 03:44

Not sure I have much in the way of advice, but didn't want to read and run. Do you have much in the way of RL support? Your mum, a good friend? Can you ask him to move out for a few days while you process everything? You must be in shock. Take your time, don't do anything rash and if your marriage is over over, know absolutely that you can still be an amazing parent. A very unmumsnetty xx for you.

notsodimwit · 05/04/2019 03:57

Just a handhold op Flowers it must be awful for you Sad

Original poster
Furbabymamagoose · 05/04/2019 04:04

Thank you for the replies and the hand holds. Unfortunately my mum died last year, which makes this feel even more cruel and makes me feel very alone even though I know I am not. I do have a few very close friends that I have confided in. I'm in the spare room at the moment and will hopefully stay with one of them tomorrow night. I'm in complete shock. I want to be able to change his mind, but I know there is no point in begging because he's probably thought about this for while and says it's been eating him up. I don't know how I'm going to do this on my own. I had never even considered that I would be alone with a baby

OP posts:
Pinkybutterfly · 05/04/2019 05:05

Op, I'm sorry. I don't think you should change his mind, he has shown you what he is. A prick. You don't get married and have a child to make someone happyHmm. He should be the one moving out as he is the one that doesn't want to be with you. How is it relationship with mil? Xxxxx

CatandtheFiddle · 05/04/2019 06:12

Oh Furbaby how utterly gutting. I know you’re in shock, but I’m angry on your behalf. What a heartless bastard. He was OK with all the perks of a relationship and your live and care, and too much of a coward to tell you how he really felt. That is low cowardly behaviour.

When you say Iwill hopefully stay with one of them tomorrow night lease don’t leave your home.

Make him leave.

Make him pack a bag and go. Make him understand what he’s losing by his behaviour. Don’t engage with him emotionally. Don’t beg - I think MN calls it the “pick me dance”. Only speak/ engage with him over entirely practical matters. Make him realise the consequences of his behaviour.

GertrudeCB · 05/04/2019 06:19

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Agree with PP, HE should leave.

Original poster
Furbabymamagoose · 05/04/2019 06:28

Thank you. I haven't begged, I've just sat there in pieces and tried to take it all in. I just feel numb.
My relationship with my MIL is amazing. His whole family are lovely. I'm not sure whether to speak to her about this for support.
He has said he could go and stay at his parents and I think he should. He's gone to work now. Haven't been able to sleep all night. Can't quite believe this is my life. I thought I had everything I wanted Sad
Seeing my friend when she finishes work so that will help a lot.

OP posts:
AceOfSpades123 · 05/04/2019 06:33

Why are you in the spare room and why are you going to stay with a friend? That’s not right. You haven’t dropped a bombshell plus you’re pregnant! You stay in the main bedroom and if he wants out then he needs to leave and give you space. If he’s got nowhere to go then tough. He should have thought about that. I know you’re in shock but this is really important. You need to dig heels in right now. Right now he’s not feeling the impact of his decision. You are running around facilitating his decision. Stop. Don’t go anywhere. Send him a message “youve told me you want out of this marriage so you need to pack a bag today and leave for a few days. I am pregnant and I’m not the one wanting to change things so you need to be the one to go. Today. I’m not facilitating you anymore” then move back into the main bedroom and start showing him the impact of his decision. If he gets to sit pretty and stay comfortable then he’s not going to realise what he’s losing.

whitesoxx · 05/04/2019 06:34

Don't leave the house and don't be the one in the spare room.

He goes, not you. Non-negotiable. Hopefully this is just a wobble on his part but it's unacceptable. You'll never forget now that he did this to you.

Let him go, don't beg etc. And know that you will be ok no matter what. Good luck

HJWT · 05/04/2019 06:47

I am so sorry op 💐

Snuggz · 05/04/2019 06:48

He's told me today that he can't shake the feeling that he's not happy and there's something lacking and says he's felt like this for years

For years? Are you fucking kidding me? And then waits until you are in your second trimester before dropping the bombshell? What a cruel bastard.

Either knowing the baby is coming has made him panic in which case I still wouldn’t take him back as he is spineless twat, or he is telling the truth in which case he’s a cowardly spineless twat with no backbone. In any event he has done you a favour by showing you who he is now. Yes the timing is shit and not how you envisioned your life, but you’ve been given a gift to move on with your life and start anew without having to worry about second guessing your husband’s thoughts and whether or not he would have an affair in the future.

There literally is no going back after being told something like that. You can’t just apologise and expect things to go back to how they were (assuming he regrets his decision later down the line).

Take time to mourn your relationship then you’ll need help tackling the practicalities of untangling your lives financially, selling the house, start divorce proceedings and agreeing on visitation. It’s a lot, but take each day as it comes. I also agree with PP that he should be the one moving out and sleeping in spare room. What a selfish prick. Wishing you strength and a healthy pregnancy.

Ibizama · 05/04/2019 06:56

What a cunt

factcheck · 05/04/2019 07:03

As others have said, please don't leave your home. He needs go to

CountFosco · 05/04/2019 07:03

I may have been here to long but I would take the 'there's no-one else' with a pinch of salt. There will be someone in the background, they might not have done anything yet but they will make an appearance soon. Otherwise if he's 'felt like this for years' why now? What's the motivation? Why not 5 months ago before you were pregnant? Or in the early days of pregnancy when there was still the option of an abortion? But he's waited till you are at your most vulnerable to tell you. Bastard.

If your MIL is lovely speak to her, send him there to stay (you don't move out, he has to) and if it's just a pregnancy panic she'll sort him out. If it's someone else then if you keep communication with MIL open then she's more likely to keep providing you with some support.

babba2014 · 05/04/2019 07:13

I agree with the previous poster. Sounds like the typical script. Someone else.

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2019 07:26

Can your friend stay with you and he leave? You should not have to leave, why are you in the spare room even?!
Im sorry op, it must be a huge shock.

PicsInRed · 05/04/2019 07:36

Im so sorry about your Mum and that your husband is such a disappointing douchebag. What he has done is appalling. This is a terrible time but I promise that the sick horror you feel WILL begin to lift and you WILL feel better. It took me about 3 months to start to feel normal. Keep very busy, get out and about. Busy busy busy. Keep people around you as much as possible - but not him. I promise you will get there. Talk to your GP about options for managing this absolutely profound trauma (that's what this is).

I will echo a PP that I wouldn't be so sure there is no one else, he is reading from "the script". Please google it if you haven't heard of it before.
I dont want to upset you, but you do need to prepare yourself and start thinking clearly about where you want to raise this baby.

Do you have other close family? Where would you go if you were to leave the house?

Ordinarily, the advice is to stay in the house, but a good time to consider moving long distance is when you are not yet heavily pregnant, and when the baby is not yet legally in the world - so parental responsibility/residence do not yet apply. A good family solicitor could better advise you around this and also around how to protect your rights to the family home.

Put yourself first, so you are in the best position to welcome baby into the world. You've got this.

Fuck that guy. Flowers

FrozenMargarita17 · 05/04/2019 07:41

Op please don't leave your home, he must be the one to leave.

sodonesooverit · 05/04/2019 07:44

He leaves, not you. What a pathetic cretin to go through with a marriage and trying for a baby and then to drop this shit out of nowhere. I very much suspect there will be someone else. Has he given any indication whatsoever of being unhappy/checked out?

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 05/04/2019 08:03

What an arsehole. Who lets it all get this far out of politeness? Gutless.

Piccalino3 · 05/04/2019 09:02

OP, I am so so sorry to read this.
I have a friend that this happened to, almost exactly the same except I think she was about 30 weeks and her husband was 'bored'. I'm very sorry to say that of course about 6 months later she found there was someone else and not to add to your pain but I would almost guarantee that the same is true of your situation.

As someone who is divorced from a cheating husband I know you will be in utter shock, wondering what you can do to hold your family together and reeling from the collapse of what you thought was your life.

Your husband has been planning this, he is not on the back foot, you are. Be aware of this and get yourself into fight mode, even if just temporarily. Think of it as fighting for your child. Do not move out or stay away from your home, do not give this man choices, he doesn't want to be with you, your relationship cannot recover from this even if he does change his mind you don't want to be living in fear of when he may change his mind next time. He's done you a favour, although of course I know it doesn't feel like it.

Keep in mind that your husband is not the man you thought he was, he is an utter bastard and prick. He's leaving you pregnant and bereaved. Keep that in mind and do what you need to do for yourself and your child. I would see a solicitor if I were you and find out your legal rights to put yourself in the best position. You will survive this and you will be better off in the long run without this pathetic excuse of a person chained to you. Big hugs to you. X

Fraula · 05/04/2019 09:07

Hi OP.
I went through similar when I was pg with my first (twins). In the end, it was a blessing we split up before the birth because I could sort out what I needed in the way of support before having the babies, and I didn't get used to him being around.

As pp have said, you need to stay in the house. Maybe ask a friend to come and stay with you?

I'm so sorry.

ciderhouserules · 05/04/2019 09:10

says he's felt like this for years - nah, no one gets engaged, buys a house, gets married, talks about and conceives a child - and secretly isn't happy.

This sounds like he's rewriting history - 'I've been unhappy for years' is a standard, common phrase used by people who want to blame the other person, who want to be out of it all without looking like te Bad Guy.

He's got someone else.

Flowers
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