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Original poster

Pregnant and husband says our marriage is over

69 replies

Furbabymamagoose · 05/04/2019 03:34

NC for this. I'm writing this because I can't sleep after what's happened today and I need a hand hold.
I am 17 weeks pregnant with my first child. Been married 1.5 years, together 7 years.
He's told me today that he can't shake the feeling that he's not happy and there's something lacking and says he's felt like this for years. Says he loves me, but doesn't think it's in the same way I love him. Says everything we've done, buying a house, getting engaged, getting married, trying for a baby, was never really what he wanted to do and he only did those things to make me happy. Swears there is nobody else.
I am numb. He says he'll be there for me and the baby, but not as a husband anymore.
Just need some support. Everything I thought I knew about my life has just shattered into a thousand pieces.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 05/04/2019 09:18

Get yourself back in your own bedroom. Throw his stuff in the spare room where he can stay for a night or two while he arranged to move out.

Speak to your midwife. She will support you and possibly, if you want, arrange pre-natal counselling. I had this as I was struggling with thoughts of becoming a mum yet not having a mum of my own.

Talk to your friends. Lean on them. But I'm not sure that it would be a good idea to rely on your MIL. She may very well be lovely, but her instinct will likely be to defend her son rather than see him for the cunt he evidently is.

Do you have work to go to today? Have you got plans for the weekend?

sandi2019 · 05/04/2019 09:19

First thought....as others have said....he has someone else....another interest....I wouldn't be leaving your home or sleeping in the spare room.
I get men can't be forced to be with someone they don't want to be with....but being pregnant with his child...I would have expected some loyalty.
What a dick.
He is well aware that it's important for you to be healthy right now...stress levels down etc......but he goes and drops that bombshell on you when you're carrying a baby?.......he sounds like a loser you could do without. Flowers xxxxx

beerandpopcorn · 05/04/2019 09:26

Call his mother. Maybe she can get to the bottom of it. If he were my son I'd be bloody outraged.
You're carrying her grandchild and I can promise you.... you are way more important to her than he is right now.

Snog · 05/04/2019 09:40

MIL first loyalty will be to her own son even if he has behaved so very badly.

Go back to your own bedroom OP and ask DH to leave the house.

I agree with PP he has not been unhappy and out of love for seven years, he has the seven year itch and has found someone else. Brace yourself. It's so tough but your life will be better without him. Get as much support for yourself as you can, reach out.

ittakes2 · 05/04/2019 10:18

I know it doesn’t feel like it now but something similar happened to my sister. It’s pretty weak of anyone to do this to someone. My sister was devastated but she healed - and even better than that she came to believe it was life changing in a positive way. She found someone who loved her for herself and someone she now has three children and a very happy life.

Itstimetoquit · 05/04/2019 11:17

I'm in the same position my fiancee told me 3 days ago were over after 10 years and 8 year old child, said he's only been with me for last 5 years for the child's sake,hes decided that he wants to be out with his mates instead of with his family(his words)however this is his house do were in separate bedrooms until I find somewhere for me and my children to go, pretty crap ATM

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 05/04/2019 11:33

Oh you poor love. I just want to give you a big hug!

Other posters are right, he should absolutely be the one to leave.

I know at the moment it feels awful and heartbreaking, but be thankful that he has shown you who he really is. What sort of man does this to their pregnant wife after apparently feeling this way for YEARS? It's the lowest of the low!

You are still young enough to start again, and you have your lovely baby to look forward to. Please don't waste anymore of your heart on this awful man.

Wishing you all the love and luck in the world.

FookMeFookYou · 05/04/2019 11:36

Goodness me OP that's awful. He needs to be the one to leave so tell him to go to his parents house. Also if you are on good terms with your IL's I would tell them what's happened and say you'd like to rely on them for some support considering you lost your mum etc.

Rally your friends around and accept any help offered to you - it doesn't make you pathetic or needy. This has been a terrible shock and I'm sure you would do the same for anyone. If you are keeping the baby then you need to try and keep your stress levels down and that starts with allowing ppl to help you, and allowing yourself to grieve the loss of your relationship and the future you had planned.

I absolutely believe that everything happens for a reason. Many things are sent to test us and you WILL come out the other side - it may be a blessing.

He has been incredibly irresponsible and pretty fucking pathetic for not speaking up before he partook in creating a life. If his family are decent they will let their disappointment show.

I don't condone being unhappy in a relationship for the sake of the other, nor sticking it out just to avoid a fallout but to continue with things and bring a child into the mix is at the very least selfish. That behaviour is due a massive fucking dose of karma.

I know you didn't picture doing this alone OP but you can if you choose to... don't let him make you feel like you've lost all control.

Massive hugs, and for anyone else going though similar x

ScreamingLadySutch · 05/04/2019 11:39

Look for the woman. She is at work.

As long as he leaves and you stay. Live as though he is never coming back. Keep up contact with your MIL and leave him to stew.

Be dignified. It will all come out in the end.

runningtogetskinny · 05/04/2019 11:46

My ex DH did the exact same thing (22 years ago) I was around 25 weeks pregnant and we'd been together 9 years, married for 8. Turned out he was seeing someone else, a year later it had ended and he spent Xmas alone as his few friends were pretty disgusted with what he had done and he has no family. Whatever happens you'll be fine, while I'm sure it feels awful now, and I was distraught when it happened to me, it was the best thing that ever happened in the long run.

PrincessScarlett · 05/04/2019 11:51

So sorry for you OP. My best friend went through this exact same situation. It turned out he had met someone else. It was devastating as he played the dutiful husband to family and friends but apparently had been feeling bored/not into her for years despite getting married, a mortgage and conceiving a child.

There is hope though OP. My friend is now very independent, owns her own house, holds down a great job and is a fantastic mum. It's such a shit thing to do when you're pregnant as your hormones are all over the place and you're feeling vulnerable.

Don't beg/do the pick me dance. My friend did and he came back but then left again which was another devastating blow.

You will get through this.

TeaForTheWin · 05/04/2019 12:04

I know no-one likes to mention the A word. But if it were me, I'd be straight down the abortion clinic while there's still time. Sod being tied to this man forever. It's a thought as you are so far along ...but, there is still time. Being a single mother and thererfore tied in some way for the next twenty years to a man you love who claims not to feel the same...might be a decision you will later regret. I guess an abortion might too, to be fair. But you can lament the later choice on a sunny beach somewhere, with a cocktail at least.

Prinstress · 05/04/2019 12:11

I’m with Tea, do you really want to be tied to this guy for life?

I’m so sorry he’s put you through this Flowers

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 05/04/2019 12:12

*if it were me I'd be straight down the abortion clinic while there's still time

What a vile thing to say. It's not even been 24 hours since the OP had her world turned upside down. I think the last thing she is thinking about is drinking cocktails on a beach. Angry

MumUndone · 05/04/2019 12:13

Before jumping to conclusions about infidelity and 'the script', it is actually conceivable that he has felt for a long time that something is missing but hasn't been actively unhappy iyswim, and cares about you enough to have gone along with things you have wanted (marriage, house etc.) as those are the 'normal' things to do in a long term relationship. It may be that now the shit's got real - you're having a baby - his feelings have crystallised and he's running scared. Perhaps being separated for a while will give him the space to realise what you've built together and that the grass isn't always greener. Whether you want to take him back if this does happen is another matter entirely as his timing is abysmal and maybe unforgivable.

TeaForTheWin · 05/04/2019 12:16

I agree it is a...distasteful thing to have to think on but there's a time limit on her current 'situation' so best it is considered asap before the decision is made for her by the laws of the land. It's important that she knows her options, whether you consider them vile or not.

sandi2019 · 05/04/2019 12:19

But if it were me, I'd be straight down the abortion clinic while there's still time.

.......what on earth?

Romax · 05/04/2019 12:24

There is somebody else OP. There is.

managedmis · 05/04/2019 12:26

Wtaf

Nesssie · 05/04/2019 12:27

TeaForTheWin might not have put it very tactfully but an abortion is an option. Having this baby will mean you are tied to him now. Your whole life is now going to have him in it but not in the way you imagined. He'll go off and have his own family eventually, you will too, but you will always have to be involved with him now. You can't just move house/country when you want. You will have to get his agreement and/or go to court.

Just look at the amount of threads on shitty fathers.
Not saying it can't work, but abortion is an option.

Springwalk · 05/04/2019 12:28

Op I do feel you need to ask him to leave. It is your home and you need to come to terms with this news without worrying about where to live. He dropped this bomb on you, he should be the one to go.

I too, would call his mother if you are close to his family. They need to know what is happening from your point of view (and not his version, which is likely to sound very watered down and very different from yours)

Call a solicitor and get some proper legal advice.

At some point you have to decide if you want him to be part of your life, and if where you live now offers you the best in terms of support, help and future prospects.

For now, spend time with your friends. Try to keep calm, and plan carefully how you will respond to this. Change your passwords on all bank accounts. Take copies of all bills. Secure all of your email accounts by changing passwords on everything. Make sure you have money and plenty of it if possible. Move things around.

He is playing nice for now, it may not last. He is not the man you thought he was, so taking precautions financially and legally are imperative.

So sorry this has happened to you Flowers

HollowTalk · 05/04/2019 12:31

You'd abort a 17 week fetus because its dad is a knob? I am all for a woman's right to choose but I think this is awful.

PassMeTheWine · 05/04/2019 12:32

Wow
Discusted at people saying have an abortion at 17 weeks!

She will find out the sex very soon.
Absolutely vile!

I'm not anti abortion I've had one myself but very early on - not at 17 bloody weeks.

TeaForTheWin · 05/04/2019 12:50

I think it's her right to choose up to 25 weeks, as the law allows. Whether or not we agree with the law on the matter is irrelevant as the choice falls to the individual woman. We can feel as uncomfortable as we like at the idea of aborting after a certain point, but it doesn't make a jot of difference, her rights are her rights.

Anyway, chances are it is something she would never consider. But I don't think there's shame in it if she does.

sandi2019 · 05/04/2019 12:58

Can't believe someone could deem a 17 week old fetus to be so disposable.

I'm pro-choice, btw. But 17 weeks and aborting for the sole reason of wanting to cut ties with the father is just sick.

Bloody hell. There are some sick minds about.

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