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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you love a lazy man?

55 replies

Rythmisachancer · 04/04/2019 14:18

That's it really.
He's practically very hands on once he's had the metaphorical kick up the backside around 4 times a day.
He can't get up in the morning though and I'm fed up of feeling and sounding like his mother. I'm even using the firm tone of voice 👎

He also won't get out of bed until I'm out of bed during the working week (stuck in routine) and now that I am in bed feeding the baby each morning on waking, won't get out until I do. This means a big rush to get us both showered and everyone dressed. Fed up of asking him to take a bloody shower whilst I feed the baby rather than him lying there farting whilst his alarm goes off 20 times.
He's killing the love.

OP posts:
BiscuitDrama · 04/04/2019 14:21

Why does he need to get in the shower? Is it so you can afterwards? Can you try and give him the baby, then you get in the shower so it’s him that runs out of time if he hasn’t got up?

And apply that logic to everything.

Nowordsleft · 04/04/2019 14:22

Does he have to get up for work?

NASA20 · 04/04/2019 14:24

Its horrendous. My ex would do the same and I ended up feeling like his mum in the end.

We would take it in turns to get up with the littlest on a morning as he wouldn't agree to both of us getting up at the same time. On his mornings he would lay on the sofa while baby was in high chair so he would go back to sleep and id end up having to get all the kids sorted on HIS mornings and my mornings too.

It will kill anything you feel for him because you wont feel like your on the same team. Him doing something simple like feeding the baby while you shower would I assume make you feel like I was making your morning that little bit easier, little things like that are what's important.

Someone once said something on here that made so much sense to me: Its easier to be a single mum and doing everything alone rather than having someone upstairs asleep quite happy for you to do it all alone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2019 14:25

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?.

Stop using the tone of voice and let him properly see that there are consequences for his actions and overall lack of by showing him the door. He is taking you really for a right mug.

Does this person have a job to go to; I will tell you now he does not behave half as slovenly and lazily there and I would also think he is the first one too to do anything for wider family and or friends.

You should not love a lazy man and in any case he is killing any love you have for him. This is who he is, a self serving manchild, and he is showing you absolute disrespect here. He is also not an ideal role model to his child either.

Original poster
Rythmisachancer · 04/04/2019 14:41

I have to feed the baby as I breastfeed.
We both have to go to work and the 7 year old to school.
We both shower in the morning- I don't shower the night before as I have a leaky bladder post DCs so need to shower in the morning.
DH usually showers at night if he doesn't fall asleep on the sofa first. But lately, it has been in the mornings.
He is very good practically and will happily get the DCs etc ready... but it's all in a crazy rush as we fight it out for the shower. But his stubborn habits won't allow him to get out if bed before me to do so! My DM has suggested I get out of bed to feed the baby to get him moving... why should I?

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 04/04/2019 14:49

How pathetic, is he 4 years old?
You need to have a serious talk with him about his attitude and spell out exactly why you are so angry.
I'm afraid both my husbands didn't last the course and they were both very lazy/treated me like a housemaid. It's easier without them.
Make it plain he is making you think you'd rather live on your own and fall out of love with him.
Why the hell should you get up with him when you have the baby to feed. Stupid man.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 04/04/2019 14:53

How pathetic and truly petty that he won't get up before you.

Original poster
Rythmisachancer · 04/04/2019 14:54

He doesn't see it.
Everytime I speak to him about lack of motivation, he reels off a list of all the practical things he does around the house (something I don't dispute) but he only really achieves these things because I have bloody manage him.

He looks at me like I'm on another planet whenever I broach this subject, but he is completely incapable of judging his own behaviour from an objective viewpoint.

One day, before DC2, I was working a lot later than him so didn't get up until a lot later than usual as DC1 also had a school training day. He complained that I had made him late for work because he couldn't get up until I had, because "that's the way it works isn't it?"

OP posts:
NASA20 · 04/04/2019 15:29

Its like a competition with him, he cant get up until after you otherwise its like you've had more time in bed and he cant allow that. Sounds like a right arsehole.

Porridgeprincess · 04/04/2019 16:57

ah YES, the reeling off a list of things they do when asked to do something is highly annoying. You have my synpathies

AceOfSpades123 · 04/04/2019 17:16

He’s weird. I’ve never heard of that before. Somebody refusing to get up until the other person does. It’s like punishing you for being able to sleep longer? I just don’t get his motivation. It’s very very strange and not at all normal. I personally couldn’t be with somebody that weird. Tell him he either starts getting out of bed 15 mins before you to get a shower or the marriage is over. What a weirdo!

Moanymoaner123 · 04/04/2019 17:21

My ex pulled similar shite, killed the love and any positive feelings I had towards him. Trying to discuss anything or point out the ridiculousness of his behaviour got nowhere. He would also list his many 'achievements' when challenged, like doing half a sinkful of washing up, hoovering occasionally and putting his mountain of clean laundry away once in a blue moon. Eventually (after 3 years of this) I just couldn't be arsed anymore and left.

catinboots99 · 04/04/2019 17:29

My ex was like this. When I was on ML he pretty much gave up work (self employed), when I was working FT and up and out nice and early, he would be better. Not an attractive trait tbh. Particularly as we ended up having our house repossessed because he wouldn't go to work,

sandi2019 · 04/04/2019 17:34

Jeez.....give the guy a break. You sound a bit....vicious 😬.
He gets up....he goes to work....he provides for you and your family....he is good with your kid.
I think you need to be a bit more kinder to him........I'd hate to have a partner like this!

sandi2019 · 04/04/2019 17:35

A partner like you, if I were a man...I mean.
So what if he finds it difficult to get out of bed.....he eventually does. Poor fella. Leave him alone!

sandi2019 · 04/04/2019 17:37

Ps.....why are you labelling him lazy?

He isn't. He just finds it difficult to get out of bed.
My fella is the same......I have to wake him up a few times....never with frustration....always in a gentle and loving way........
Shocked at how some women speak to and treat their men.

sandi2019 · 04/04/2019 17:40

Stupid man

Nice.

OP if you're ok for someone to call your man this....you need to let him go and find someone who appreciates him more.

mumsie8 · 04/04/2019 17:43

I think OP partner has found the thread.....

DonaldTwain · 04/04/2019 17:43

Sandi2019? Doormat1919 more like

ChiaraRimini · 04/04/2019 17:44

Or Sandi1959....

Whatsnewpussyhat · 04/04/2019 17:44

Sod off with the "poor man" bollocks. Not getting out of bed until she does is petty and odd.

He complained that I had made him late for work because he couldn't get up until I had, because "that's the way it works isn't it?"
Would he be happy telling his boss that he was late because because he couldn't possibly get out of bed first!Hmm

AceOfSpades123 · 04/04/2019 17:47

Blimey Sandi2019, do you wipe his bum for him when he has a poop too. Christ. This is why women have to put up with weird crap because of women like you. Why can’t your fella get himself out of bed? He did it before you met him or did he just lay permanently in bed until you found him that way?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 04/04/2019 17:47

It isn't a woman's job to get a grown fucking man out of bed in the morning!!!!!

What did these pathetic men do when single? Get their arses up and go to work on time I bet. Unless mummy woke them up of course.

sandi2019 · 04/04/2019 17:47

You guys are like a bunch of rabid animals.... Leave the poor guy alone 😂

ukgift2016 · 04/04/2019 17:51

You guys are like a bunch of rabid animals.... Leave the poor guy alone 😂

Your a man right?