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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you love a lazy man?

55 replies

Rythmisachancer · 04/04/2019 14:18

That's it really.
He's practically very hands on once he's had the metaphorical kick up the backside around 4 times a day.
He can't get up in the morning though and I'm fed up of feeling and sounding like his mother. I'm even using the firm tone of voice 👎

He also won't get out of bed until I'm out of bed during the working week (stuck in routine) and now that I am in bed feeding the baby each morning on waking, won't get out until I do. This means a big rush to get us both showered and everyone dressed. Fed up of asking him to take a bloody shower whilst I feed the baby rather than him lying there farting whilst his alarm goes off 20 times.
He's killing the love.

OP posts:
sandi2019 · 04/04/2019 17:53

If your man struggling to get out of bed provokes this kind of response....you need to separate. That isn't normal or indicative of a loving relationship. Facto!! Bloody hell 😂

Tealtights · 04/04/2019 17:56

I couldn't. Total turn off.

zsazsajuju · 04/04/2019 18:00

Sandi is obvs mr Sandy

Livedandlearned · 04/04/2019 18:05

I was married to a man child like this, I can't work out why he is like it.

He's still the same now I hear, luckily for me we divorced ten years ago.

MarvinMarvinson · 04/04/2019 18:10

Can you disengage with it completely? Tell him you will be going in the shower straight after you finish feeding. Let him do with that information what he will. Which child, if any, is he dropping to school/nursery? Let him rush around like an idiot and you just sort yourself out.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 04/04/2019 18:30

I have insomnia so if I've had a bad night I can find it difficult to wake up so dh sometimes wakes me up but I then actually get up and get on with my day regardless of who's still in bed.
I'd be really fucked off if dh lay in bed and wouldn't sort the dc because I was breastfeeding.

He doesn't want to you to have more rest than him and he doesn't want to do more 'work' than you. This is ridiculous, he is ridiculous.

TowelNumber42 · 04/04/2019 18:36

Sometimes you have to let things fail before change happens. Stop being his mum. Stop managing him. Start behaving like he's an equal competent adult. Let things go wrong. Let children be late for school, let him be late for work, etc. Look slightly confused if he tries to blame you - in the spirit of he's an equal adult. Don't make it a big out in the open row. Just stop being his mum, let stuff go to shit temporarily, feel relieved when he starts behaving like an adult because there's no easy alternative any more.

Original poster
Rythmisachancer · 04/04/2019 18:39

What Sandi doesn't realise is that I too struggle with mornings... but I don't have the luxury of struggling anymore with DCs.

Does Sandi feel sorry for me too? Considering I not only have to motivate myself but the entire family too, despite my struggle with mornings?

I'm guessing not.

Another thought- Sandi... are you MIL?!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rythmisachancer · 04/04/2019 18:45

I have let him face the consequences quite a lot now. He and DC2 are often late for work/nursery but he never seems to learn. He also takes DC1 to a swimming lesson each week at the weekend whilst I do housework. He is late every single week and vows each week not to be late, because of the money we pay out for lessons which DC1 then misses half of. He is still late every week. I find it really odd.

OP posts:
MadameAnchou · 04/04/2019 18:50

He gets up....he goes to work....he provides for you and your family....he is good with your kid.

You'd think he had nothing to do with creating the children at all, 'you' 'your kid'. Hmm And not even considering that the OP might actually be on mat leave and perfectly capable of 'providing' for herself and children.

PickAChew · 04/04/2019 18:53

I bet he's the sort who wants a standing ovation for putting his socks in the laundry basket.

Don't know whether to laugh or cry at the idea that we are vicious for expecting a grown man to behave like an adult.

SandyY2K · 04/04/2019 18:56

Had he not heard of an alarm clock?

I would find it all quite irritating tbh.

sandi2019 · 04/04/2019 19:12

Yes OP.
I do feel sorry for you actually.
I cant imagine it's easy with kids...I didn't want them and so I cant say I have any experience.
But I do have a man that finds it difficult to get going in the morning.....I'd feel shite barking at him like I'm his mother.
That'll be a right turn off.
I just think it's a bit of a..........severe response......!!
Look. OP:
WHATEVER YOURE DOING NOW ISNT WORKING THEREFORE A DIFFERENT APPROACH IS NEEDED.

Why not try the opposite......instead of being horrid why not try being calm.....loving......gentle......?

Ps my phone doesn't auto correct and so my spelling, caps and grammar will be out.

blackcat86 · 04/04/2019 19:19

I have the same issue and it's really come to ahead now we've had a baby. I've told DH that I would like us go to couples counselling because I just cant take it anymore. Find yourself a counsellor who understands the issues you're dealing with. I sent a few casual emails out and immediately knew who to go with.

Lordamighty · 04/04/2019 19:25

There is nothing attractive about living with a lazy arse, male or female. As for a pp suggesting being loving & gentle & coaxing him out of bed, the 1950’s called & they want you back.

bsc · 04/04/2019 19:32

To be frank Sandi, if you don't have children you have absolutely no idea what it's like to have to get three other people up, breastfed, breakfasted, dressed, and out of the door on time each day whilst they are either comatose and need constant chivvying and supervision or busily undoing everything you do!

bsc · 04/04/2019 19:33

OP, he needs a rocket up his bottom. I would have killed left him by now Angry

Whatsnewpussyhat · 04/04/2019 19:46

He doesn't have a problem getting out of bed though. He just refuses to get up before OP. Childish as fuck.

WHATEVER YOURE DOING NOW ISNT WORKING THEREFORE A DIFFERENT APPROACH IS NEEDED

Again, it's not the OP's job to get a grown man out of fucking bed!!

GummyGoddess · 04/04/2019 19:56

@sandi2019 PP is right, it is extremely stressful getting children ready without having to get an adult up as well. The children need to be changed, washed, dressed, breakfasted (possibly then changed again), mess they made cleared up, shoes on repeatedly as they remove them as well as trying to shower and dress yourself while chasing them around. I can get myself and both children up and dressed and out of the house in about an hour if we move non-stop, no room for tantrums or mess making, and I've showered the night before. That is considered quite good apparently!

I'm not going to add to my stress levels by fighting for the bathroom with an adult who was perfectly capable of getting up sooner, and who is now blaming me because they didn't move.

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 04/04/2019 20:02

Why should a man need gentle, loving coaxing to get out of bed? Hmm

SonataDentata · 04/04/2019 20:47

I have a sleep disorder - medically diagnosed and I have to see a consultant once a year - and mornings are really hard for me. But I still manage them (99 times out of 100, anyway!) because otherwise I would lose my job. So do many, many other people who would prefer to sleep in later. Your “D”H is absolutely taking the piss.

CantStopMeNow · 04/04/2019 22:32

You knew he was like this and yet chose to have 2 kids to him!
Accept some responsibility here - YOU have tolerated and enabled this behaviour for at least the last 7 years!
I doubt he 'suddenly' became like this.

Like a previous poster said - stop being his mum.
Stop praising him for being a 'good dad' and 'good at practical things' when he's doing fuck all around the house and can't even be bothered to get his dc to activities on time.

He's a shit dad and a shit partner.
You picked a loser to have kids with.

You're better off without him and you know it.

Mymadworld · 04/04/2019 23:49

What would happen if you just left him and carried on with your day? Surely it's his problem if he's late for work? I bet he manages to be on time to places he feels are important ...footie match, hobby, work meetings etc Hmm

Pinkmonkeybird · 05/04/2019 10:06

My ex was a lazy arse like this, expecting to carry on living the life of a teenager. When we first got together my DD was 7yrs and I'd also got a dog. When I moved in with him it took 6 months or so before he started to obviously slip back into being a lazy bastard. He would set an alarm one hour before he was due to get up and just keep snoozing it and would often sleep through - on a few occasions I just left him to it to face the consequences of being late for work. I didn't see why I should be his mother. I was trying to chivvy my daughter, walk a dog and sort out the house before work whilst he just basically got up, got dressed, ate and went to work with no other contribution. It became very wearing over the years and I tried to talk to him on many occasions about it. He would also sleep in until very late Saturdays and Sundays, so we barely had time to do stuff together. I'm quite glad he met the OW as she can now contend with his lazyitis, because although they start off on best behaviour, lazy arses like this can't help it and they soon fall back into their default mode. It's quite funny now because my old dog died (that's not the funny part) and he insisted on getting a puppy (which I was against). I used to do all the early morning dog walking so when we split, he was left with a very high energy dog to get up for and walk before having to go to work. Knowing his work hours, I'd guess he has had to get up around 5.30am to fit this in which I know he would struggle with. Oh well, karma is a bitch.

So to answer your question, it is very difficult to love a lazy man as it takes its toll over time when they won't take responsibility.

NutMeghan · 05/04/2019 10:17

Honestly I'd just leave him to it. Split the dc drop offs between you. Share school and nursery drop offs between you and then just focus on getting yourself ready.

My dh gets up later as I get up early as I need to be at work earlier but to be honest I prefer him not being up as I can use the bathroom and kitchen when I want to and then leave.

I would not want the role of organising dh ontop of organising myself and the dc I need to drop off (he organises the dc who he needs to drop off).