MIL has sleep issues...... I don't want to visit anymore.....

[SleepingbeautyMIL]

This is sort of an AIBU but I want more advice rather than brutality and being ripped apart......

DH and I have been married for several years and in general I have nothing against my MIL. She has mobility issues but is generally self sufficient and lives alone. She lives far enough away that any visits tend to be weekends rather than visit a couple of hours.

Mostly, I get on great with her and she treats me like a daughter however there is one thing that pisses me off no end to the point where I’ve said to DH I won’t be going to hers anymore.

She spent a couple of years sleeping in a rise and recliner chair whilst she waited for several surgeries to help with her mobility. From January this year, she was able to go back to bed again. The problem is she doesn’t get a full nights sleep. If she wakes up to go to the toilet during the night, rather than just go and go back to bed, she goes downstairs, uses the loo, and then spends the rest of the night in the chair. Why is this a problem?

Well she has always had “issues” staying awake. Possibly because of the painkillers and other medication she is on. Mostly that’s ok. But since she’s started this weird nocturnal thing she’s not getting a full nights sleep. She goes to bed about 11pm, falls asleep (with the TV on) about 1am then wakes up 3-4 hours later, gets up, goes downstairs, and then falls asleep for another couple of hours. This means she’s constantly tired.
Basically, if she’s not actively doing something she falls asleep. Sometimes even in the middle of talking to you if you’re not quick enough to speak back to her.

There problems I have with this are:

1.She won’t admit she’s sleeping. A common scenario is, MIL nods off, we try to turn the channel away from what she’s watching – a couple of minutes later she “wakes up” and says she’s watching that and put it back. So we end up sitting with her watching god awful TV whilst she snores in her chair.

1. Whenever its anyone but us, she’s easily able to keep awake. She’ll spend several hours on the phone a day to friends and if the neighbours pop in, she’ll be fully awake and engaged with them. The minute its jus the three of us, there she goes falling asleep at the drop of a hat. The general impression is she thinks we’re boring and not worthy of her attention.

1. When she is awake, despite being able to manage on her own, she does this passive aggressive way of asking you to do stuff for her. Again, I wouldn’t mind if she said things like “would you go and get my glass from upstairs so I don’t have to get up” but she manages to ask without asking. She’ll never say “would you make a pot tea” but “if you’re making a cup of tea, I’ll have one”. I know this is minor but its one of those minor things that just seems to grate.

DH says to ignore her and just leave her to sleep. Which would be great if we weren’t giving up weekends of our time to go up and sit and watch her sleep. We get more interaction with her when we phone her 2-3 times a day. Which I don’t mind at all – I like my MIL. I just think the way she behaves is totally disrespectful to DH and I.

If she’d admit she was sleeping and/or make an effort to fix her nocturnal habits so she actually got a full nights sleep and was not so tired I would not mind so much. She has always been a bit “dosey” in terms of napping but it’s ridiculous now that her night sleeping is so bad. We’ve just spent the weekend with her and apart from when she was on the phone or interacting with neighbours/friends she managed to stay awake and interactive for a grand total of 3.5 hours from Friday night to Sunday night.

She’s due to be coming to stay with us for a week over Easter and I’ve said, if all she does is come down and sleep for the week thereby trapping us in our own home (although we do have a spare sitting room we can use) then there’s no point in her coming down again after that. A part of me is hoping that staying at ours without the easy option of going downstairs to sleep in her chair might help normalise her sleeping at night.

I have no problem with DH going to see her on his own but that would mean sometimes we would not see each other for weeks on end as he works away a lot and weekends can be the only time we see each other. Which doesn’t help me resenting her sleeping!

Not much you can do about it, though. Take her out for the day? Split up the time, so you are not left bored?

Blimey, have a bit of understanding and compassion for someone who is obviously battling health issues!

Unfortunately you can't make her decide to tackle her dysfunctional sleep pattern - she has to make that decision herself. I'd not ignore it though - I would point out that she's only been awake and interacting with you for 3.5 hours out of the whole weekend!

If she falls asleep whilst watching TV, then change the channel. If she wakes up and says she's watching it, fine - but as soon as she falls asleep again, change it back. Repeat as necessary.

If she visits you and promptly falls asleep, or you visit her and she falls asleep - don't feel you are tied to the house until she wakes up. Carry on with your lives - go out, go shopping, do the garden, take the dog for a walk etc etc. If she says anything then point out that she was asleep and you didn't want to disturb her.

Or just keep waking her up! If she's kept awake during the day hopefully she will sleep better at night.

We try the waking her up .....

All we get is "I'm not sleeping" or "I wasn't asleep" and eventualy she gets angry.

Saturday after we'd been out in the afternoon, she spent i napping whilst I did dinner. She "napped" through most of the chase and pointless which is fine - every time we woke he she wasn't sleeping apparently. Even when he tea cup was almost hosizontal in her hand.

After dinner, we sat down to watch episode 3 of Baptiste she'd specifically saved for us to watch when we were there. Within five minutes, she was sleeping. On waking her we got "I'm telling you now, stop with the every five minutes telling me I'm sleeping".

So we left her snoring for the next 55 minutes and promptly went to bed without telling her. Within 15 minutes, we could hear her moving about and she admitted she watched episode 3 after we went to bed.

I think it was this that prompted this post.

I almost want to put a video camera in when she's at ours so we can play back exactly how much she is sleeping.

Is she on pain meds?

All we get is "I'm not sleeping" or "I wasn't asleep" and eventualy she gets angry

Have you tried just leaving her be and not waking her,let her sleep if she wants to. I wouldn't dream of waking someone unless they'd asked me to.

She is on pain meds but has been for nearly 15 years and a much lesser dose than she used to be.

I don't doubt the pain meds contribute to it, as I said she's always had this tendency.

Its just 100 times worse since she splits her sleep up as she does.

Its not the sleeping as such its her refusal to acknowledge it, admit and he seeming ability to turn it off when she wants or when something is interesting enough to keep her awake.

Which means we clearly are not.

I was like this before I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and anaemia. Has she been tested for things like that?

"All we get is "I'm not sleeping" or "I wasn't asleep" and eventualy she gets angry

Have you tried just leaving her be and not waking her,let her sleep if she wants to. I wouldn't dream of waking someone unless they'd asked me to."

So whats the point of us even being there if all she is going to do is sleep. This is my issue.

I'm replying because I understand the sleeping denial. She is microsleeping and not aware of it. I've done it with my DP, even when it's resulted in pouring food over myself.
I genuinely don't believe I've been asleep or feel like I have drifted off. I'll be adamant that I'm awake. Its honestly not on purpose and I've even become quite cross when being told I have.
It's part of the insomnia I have, mixed with medication for PTSD.
I know it's frustrating though because my DP can get annoyed, especially when I was a smoker (I've quit) and burnt holes in everything.
She could do with seeing a GP about her disordered sleeping. A short course of sleeping tablets or a mild antipsychotic may help regulate it or when I'm truly desperate I use Night Nurse.
I don't think she falls asleep because she's bored by you but perhaps that she's more comfortable in your company and relaxes.
I think once the sleeping issue is rectified you'll find yourself much happier around her. She too must be suffering greatly with this. Good sleep is everything.

What DDTDQ said - have a bit of empathy

She was aneamic at one point about two years ago but not since then.

Its not the sleeping as such its her refusal to acknowledge it, admit and he seeming ability to turn it off when she wants or when something is interesting enough to keep her awake

Which means we clearly are not

No,it means she probably has to concentrate really hard to stay alert and it's an effort, nothing to do with you not being special enough to stay awake for. Why do you want her to 'admit' she's been sleeping,you know she's been sleeping!

Just get on and do your own thing and if and when she wants to address it she can.

Set off an air-horn every time she dozes off, she’ll soon be trained.

I have empathy I really do.

But how many of you would be happy driving for six hours each way (12 hours round trip) giving up a valuable weekend to go and sit with someone who sleeps constantly unless there is someone other than you there.

I'd just go Friday night and come back Saturday afternoon. When she's at yours, you can watch what you like and let her doze off to her heart's content.

Wow. I read this waiting to read something awful. Everyone's got a bugbear with their in laws. Mine uses my toothbrush and borrows our calpol syringes to dose up her elderly, snappy dog. And then puts them back in the box. And a million other things.
But guess what? She loves me and her grandkids and I'm making the most of having her in our lives.

God OP get over it. You sound like you honestly would just moan about anything. You want to completely stop visiting her because of this? You just said you got on great and she treats you like a daughter yet you are happy to refuse to have her in your home because she falls asleep during the day. Get over it.

Perhaps a visit to GP to review her meds, this does seem excessive amounts of sleep. What age is she?

But how many of you would be happy driving for six hours each way (12 hours round trip) giving up a valuable weekend to go and sit with someone who sleeps constantly unless there is someone other than you there

We do it regularly. We take books, arrange outings etc for when we're there. We don't expect to be entertained. We accept the situation for what it is and enjoy the time we spend together. You've clearly not visited someone seriously ill in hospital then OP where you sit for hours on end doing nothing?

Try and have some compassion as it's not coming across in your posts at all.

How often do you visit?

If I’m honest it would fuck me off too but I’d cut the visits down, take a couple of bottles of wine and a good book for the evenings, plan to be out and about during the day times and think of it as duty visits done!

As others have said, why don't you take her out somewhere? A garden centre, a country park it doesn't have to be expensive. You've said if she is occupied she will be awake, it sounds to me like she's bored and nods off. Yes it's a bit rude when she doesn't do this to other people, but she probably feels like you won't judge her for it and feels safe.

I think you could do with really showing a little compassion here to someone who has had real health problems. Hopefully someone will put up with you when you’re old and difficult.

Have you tried properly talking to her OP? Not 'in the moment' when she's just dozed off and you've woken her but a proper, sit down, serious chat where you express concern for her health and quality of life and explain how you feel about coming to visit and not getting to spend much actual time with her? I just wonder if it's expressed as concern for her and you point out the getting up in the night thing directly she might be more likely to listen rather than get irritated or defensive.

My DM is exactly like this and it is entirely caused by her dysfunctional sleep habits (which she's passed onto me, thanks Mum!), my DH also goes though spells of falling asleep as soon as his bum hits the sofa but it's always when work is frantic and he's understandably exhausted so I don't get annoyed with him but DM drives me mad so I completely sympathise with you OP.

If talking to her gets you nowhere I think you have to start thinking about ways to make the situation bearable for you though, whether that's finding a strategy so it doesn't wind you up or visiting less. It sounds like your weekends are fairly precious (my DH works away a fair bit too so I get that too) and your feelings need to be considered too