MIL has sleep issues...... I don't want to visit anymore.....

[SleepingbeautyMIL]

This is sort of an AIBU but I want more advice rather than brutality and being ripped apart......

DH and I have been married for several years and in general I have nothing against my MIL. She has mobility issues but is generally self sufficient and lives alone. She lives far enough away that any visits tend to be weekends rather than visit a couple of hours.

Mostly, I get on great with her and she treats me like a daughter however there is one thing that pisses me off no end to the point where I’ve said to DH I won’t be going to hers anymore.

She spent a couple of years sleeping in a rise and recliner chair whilst she waited for several surgeries to help with her mobility. From January this year, she was able to go back to bed again. The problem is she doesn’t get a full nights sleep. If she wakes up to go to the toilet during the night, rather than just go and go back to bed, she goes downstairs, uses the loo, and then spends the rest of the night in the chair. Why is this a problem?

Well she has always had “issues” staying awake. Possibly because of the painkillers and other medication she is on. Mostly that’s ok. But since she’s started this weird nocturnal thing she’s not getting a full nights sleep. She goes to bed about 11pm, falls asleep (with the TV on) about 1am then wakes up 3-4 hours later, gets up, goes downstairs, and then falls asleep for another couple of hours. This means she’s constantly tired.
Basically, if she’s not actively doing something she falls asleep. Sometimes even in the middle of talking to you if you’re not quick enough to speak back to her.

There problems I have with this are:

1.She won’t admit she’s sleeping. A common scenario is, MIL nods off, we try to turn the channel away from what she’s watching – a couple of minutes later she “wakes up” and says she’s watching that and put it back. So we end up sitting with her watching god awful TV whilst she snores in her chair.

1. Whenever its anyone but us, she’s easily able to keep awake. She’ll spend several hours on the phone a day to friends and if the neighbours pop in, she’ll be fully awake and engaged with them. The minute its jus the three of us, there she goes falling asleep at the drop of a hat. The general impression is she thinks we’re boring and not worthy of her attention.

1. When she is awake, despite being able to manage on her own, she does this passive aggressive way of asking you to do stuff for her. Again, I wouldn’t mind if she said things like “would you go and get my glass from upstairs so I don’t have to get up” but she manages to ask without asking. She’ll never say “would you make a pot tea” but “if you’re making a cup of tea, I’ll have one”. I know this is minor but its one of those minor things that just seems to grate.

DH says to ignore her and just leave her to sleep. Which would be great if we weren’t giving up weekends of our time to go up and sit and watch her sleep. We get more interaction with her when we phone her 2-3 times a day. Which I don’t mind at all – I like my MIL. I just think the way she behaves is totally disrespectful to DH and I.

If she’d admit she was sleeping and/or make an effort to fix her nocturnal habits so she actually got a full nights sleep and was not so tired I would not mind so much. She has always been a bit “dosey” in terms of napping but it’s ridiculous now that her night sleeping is so bad. We’ve just spent the weekend with her and apart from when she was on the phone or interacting with neighbours/friends she managed to stay awake and interactive for a grand total of 3.5 hours from Friday night to Sunday night.

She’s due to be coming to stay with us for a week over Easter and I’ve said, if all she does is come down and sleep for the week thereby trapping us in our own home (although we do have a spare sitting room we can use) then there’s no point in her coming down again after that. A part of me is hoping that staying at ours without the easy option of going downstairs to sleep in her chair might help normalise her sleeping at night.

I have no problem with DH going to see her on his own but that would mean sometimes we would not see each other for weeks on end as he works away a lot and weekends can be the only time we see each other. Which doesn’t help me resenting her sleeping!

This post reads really mean to be honest
I just feel so sad to think that you're so annoyed about her sleeping
The pain killers absoloutley wreck normal sleep I know as I have taken them for periods of time over the years and had serious issues staying asleep and also awake. They also make you restless and when you feel you can't get up or do something then it's even worse. It's a very strong urge to move around if you take opiates.
She is an adult and if she can engage with her friends and neighbors and family she doesn't owe anyone to sort out her routine. It sounds massively controlling.

Finally, she raised her son and I think making her a cup of tea is nice. You can offer to make her one you know. The mobility may be improved but she will still be in constant pain and likely not want to moan to you ..

The saying is a mother can raise one thousand children but one thousand children cannot take care of their mother

Stay in a hotel if you're so uncomfortable by her sitting in a chair and a bit of shit tv for a weekend :(

Her coming to yours really isn't a problem though is it? You can just be getting on with things around the house if she sleeps, and as you say she may not even have the same level of problem without her chair.

I think I would go to hers still. Just because she is struggling and sleeping and it feels frustrating for you, doesn't mean she doesn't really appreciate having you there. Is she otherwise alone in the house? Perhaps you could plan a short outing whilst at hers, and say, a game of cards and a family meal each day, then just accept that she'll be dozing the rest of the time and decide you won't let it bother you. Does she have any housey things you and dh could get done even? Decorating, fixing things, getting something down from the loft, weeding etc. I like doing things like that at elderly relatives (not saying she's elderly necessarily, but she is certainly struggling) in order to feel useful.

I am physically disabled and can't sleep in a bed so sleep in a fully reclining chair. I rarely get to sleep much before 2am and then wake at least a couple of times in the night. As a result by mid afternoon my eyelids are drooping and I fall asleep. Sometimes, as Iooselipssinkships explained, I spend ages going into microsleeps where I seem to have a different dream each time.

I live alone, couldn't have children, how fortunate I am not to have a pissed off DiL visiting me who begrudges me catching up on sleep.

Oh, dear.

I sleep badly. I go straight to sleep and then wake up an hour later and spend the rest of the night trying to get back to sleep and then it's morning. Consequently I can be watching the television - even Line of Duty and my head starts lolling. It's not a comment on the tv programme or the company - if you're warm and relaxed it's just impossible to stay awake (unlike at 3 in the morning when I'm so awake I feel I could solve Brexit...).

Give it few years OP and your sleep will probably be shot to shit by the menopause, you might realise what it's like then

Poor woman. Being in pain is very tiring, interacting with people when you are usually alone is tiring. However is it not a possibility that actually with someone there she feels safe so is relaxed enough to drop off?
DH old aunt was like this, living alone -even after years- meant she never felt fully safe so when we visited or she came here she would just drop off. Wouldn’t matter if you were mid conversation.

So whats the point of us even being there if all she is going to do is sleep. This is my issue.

The point is she feels loved and safe.

My mum slept in a chair for ages couldn’t get comfy in bed apparently. We went out for lunch just before Xmas and she dozed off at the table. . No one minded just let her sleep. My dad used to say he was just resting his eyes.

Whenever its anyone but us, she’s easily able to keep awake. She’ll spend several hours on the phone a day to friends and if the neighbours pop in, she’ll be fully awake and engaged with them. The minute its jus the three of us, there she goes falling asleep at the drop of a hat. The general impression is she thinks we’re boring and not worthy of her attention.

Or maybe she feels that as you are her family she doesn't have to put on a brave face when it is just the three of you and feels comfortable allowing herself to drop off.

Having mobility issues can be very fatiguing because of the huge amount of energy that's used up just getting around and doing everyday stuff.

Please tell us she doesn’t drive! I think this sounds serious and she should seek help, but she’d have to see it as a problem first..

Why don't you try visiting every other weekend and give yourselves a break or let DH go himself sometimes to give you a break. I can appreciate it's hard when you feel obligated to visit and stay whilst there.

Is there any chance it's a warm house? My dad is out like a light when fire/heating is on.

She does drive!

The problem is she wont accept she has a problem. If she would actually admit it or do anything about it, or even try to explain as some of you have done, it wouldn't grate as much.

DH would be the first to say she is a "very difficult" woman which is probably why it makes it worse.

I have known several elderly relatives who did exactly this. Two had Alzheimer's and I think that messed up their internal clocks; some just seem to be following a pattern that I see with really elderly people fairly often. They are not active enough anymore to wear themselves out in the day time and can't sleep well enough at night (even if they were active) so they end up falling asleep almost any time they sit down. I just take it as "normal" for elderly people to have sleep issues. Please try to enjoy the good times when you get them.

This is awful - i can understand your frustration but probably she just needs your support.

I would think that it isn't that she finds you boring - maybe she is relaxed when you are around which is why it's easy for her to drop off. Really though i would be concerned with why she isn't managing to sleep through the night and try to gently persuade her to go to the doctors to discuss that.

As for not admitting it - maybe she is embarrassed that she is getting older and not able to stay awake?!

Just do what you want to do while you're there and enjoy the fact that you can visit her easily for a weekend.

She really should not be driving. Please contact her Dr.

What about staying somewhere else and visiting her.
I think after the first few hours of a visit, it does get boring... Do if you took her out for lunch, the a drive if she can't walk, drop her off and have the evening to herself.
Tell her you thing your visits are disturbing her night time sleep, and feel she needs her rest.

I can understand how frustrating this is for you after a 6 hour drive. That's an exhausting trip. How often do you visit? Do you have children with you?

I think that managing your expectations and planning your visits is the way to go. Is this mostly a late afternoon/early evening problem? Can you take two or three good books with you? Do you knit/crochet - or would you like to? Have you got enough data to MN once you are there? Once she settles down to watch TV/snooze, you whip your book out/get your knitting/mobile phone and curl up. You can reduce the volume on the TV, whilst she snoozes, or put in some earphones and listen to some good music. Then make sure that you have wine/gin/whatever your treat is for as soon as the clock reaches 6pm. Over dinner discuss what you want to watch together on TV later, if you are staying in, and if there's nothing exciting on, get that book out again.

I have had similar with my elderly parents for a number of years. It is hard, visit after visit to feel ignored/in the way, but as lack of sleep makes me increasingly grouchy too as I get older, I can sympathise with them too.

You can't change the situation or her, but you can change your reaction to it. Try to work out what you would enjoy doing, within the constraints of being there.

Best of luck

God, just leave 'very difficult' sleeping mother in laws lie! She sounds just like mine and we just leave her be. We see it as a bonus quite honestly as she's also very difficult. We spend time with her when she wakes and leave her be when she sleeps. We always tried to invite her out places when she was able. Now she isn't able to or when she didn't want to, we'd go out for a bit without her rather than sit and stare at her sleeping. Or more bizarrely wake her up constantly to point out that she's sleeping and argue with her over it!!

Of all the reasons I've read on MN about people deciding not to visit their in-laws any more, this is one of the flimsiest excuses. You wont visit her again as she struggles with having normal sleeping patterns? I'm sure she'd love 8 hours straight each night, but sounds for whatever reason - whether that is psychological or because of drugs she is unable to. So your solution is not to visit her anymore. Also why would you be trapped in your house over Easter? If she wants to come to your house and sleep, just let her and get on with your day.

I get that it seems a waste to visit if she sleeps a lot while you are there but you go to please here and your being there does that even if she sleeps.

You sound to be offended by her sleeping.

She can probably do it when you are about because she finds your company relaxing. When others are present she is more alert because less relaxed - not because she is bored with you.

When she comes to you, make sure you get out during the day. The combination of fresh air and activity will also hopefully help her sleep better at night.

My DH has got restless legs. He comes to bed at 12, sleeps till around 2, gets up and has tea and toast, comes back to bed around 4 then the alarm wakes him at 7am. He's subsequently exhausted during the day, and falls asleep the minute he gets home from work at 7pm, sleeps till around 10pm and the whole cycle carries on. It makes me want to kill him most of the time, he's been to our GP countless times. But, and this is the important bit, he has NO control over it at all. It's this awful god damned cycle his body has got into and nothing changes it.

I don't think your MIL is doing this to piss you off. She's got into this cycle and can't break it. Staying for the weekend is probably completely overwhelming for her, I'd say 24 hours is more than enough for her to manage.

Poor MiL, seems unfair to refuse to see her based on her poor health. Would you say the same if it was your own DM?

How often do you go and visit her? I won't lie, you come across as really rather unpleasant and selfish, the lady isn't well, she's not doing it to piss you off, she's not choosing this.

So how often do you go and get subjected to this torture of watching her sleep?

I think it is hard for people who have never been really ill to understand what it is really like. Usually you can only take pain medication at certain intervals. So she is probably waking up when her pain medication has worn off, but can not yet take her next dose. I have been there, and yes it is better to get up than lie there in pain not able to sleep.

Also I have found many elderly people when they are widowed sleep with a radio or TV on. It is a habit that starts after their spouse dies to help them sleep.

Until being bereaved we were driving 9 - 10 hours round trip for a 30 -50 minute visit to a very ill relative. Yes it is frustrating, but not much you can do. What we used to do is try and build in a nice pub lunch or something nice so it felt a bit better.

Aw, bless her, it will come to you one day OP.
I'd just let her sleep, and if she's not doing this to others she obviously feels relaxed with her family, more than neighbours and friends.
Maybe suggest she or she and your dh visit the gp for advice.
You really don't show much empathy which speaks in volumes after you state she treats you like a daughter.
I'd be ashamed if I felt like this, towards somebody who treated me so well.