MIL has sleep issues...... I don't want to visit anymore.....

[SleepingbeautyMIL]

This is sort of an AIBU but I want more advice rather than brutality and being ripped apart......

DH and I have been married for several years and in general I have nothing against my MIL. She has mobility issues but is generally self sufficient and lives alone. She lives far enough away that any visits tend to be weekends rather than visit a couple of hours.

Mostly, I get on great with her and she treats me like a daughter however there is one thing that pisses me off no end to the point where I’ve said to DH I won’t be going to hers anymore.

She spent a couple of years sleeping in a rise and recliner chair whilst she waited for several surgeries to help with her mobility. From January this year, she was able to go back to bed again. The problem is she doesn’t get a full nights sleep. If she wakes up to go to the toilet during the night, rather than just go and go back to bed, she goes downstairs, uses the loo, and then spends the rest of the night in the chair. Why is this a problem?

Well she has always had “issues” staying awake. Possibly because of the painkillers and other medication she is on. Mostly that’s ok. But since she’s started this weird nocturnal thing she’s not getting a full nights sleep. She goes to bed about 11pm, falls asleep (with the TV on) about 1am then wakes up 3-4 hours later, gets up, goes downstairs, and then falls asleep for another couple of hours. This means she’s constantly tired.
Basically, if she’s not actively doing something she falls asleep. Sometimes even in the middle of talking to you if you’re not quick enough to speak back to her.

There problems I have with this are:

1.She won’t admit she’s sleeping. A common scenario is, MIL nods off, we try to turn the channel away from what she’s watching – a couple of minutes later she “wakes up” and says she’s watching that and put it back. So we end up sitting with her watching god awful TV whilst she snores in her chair.

1. Whenever its anyone but us, she’s easily able to keep awake. She’ll spend several hours on the phone a day to friends and if the neighbours pop in, she’ll be fully awake and engaged with them. The minute its jus the three of us, there she goes falling asleep at the drop of a hat. The general impression is she thinks we’re boring and not worthy of her attention.

1. When she is awake, despite being able to manage on her own, she does this passive aggressive way of asking you to do stuff for her. Again, I wouldn’t mind if she said things like “would you go and get my glass from upstairs so I don’t have to get up” but she manages to ask without asking. She’ll never say “would you make a pot tea” but “if you’re making a cup of tea, I’ll have one”. I know this is minor but its one of those minor things that just seems to grate.

DH says to ignore her and just leave her to sleep. Which would be great if we weren’t giving up weekends of our time to go up and sit and watch her sleep. We get more interaction with her when we phone her 2-3 times a day. Which I don’t mind at all – I like my MIL. I just think the way she behaves is totally disrespectful to DH and I.

If she’d admit she was sleeping and/or make an effort to fix her nocturnal habits so she actually got a full nights sleep and was not so tired I would not mind so much. She has always been a bit “dosey” in terms of napping but it’s ridiculous now that her night sleeping is so bad. We’ve just spent the weekend with her and apart from when she was on the phone or interacting with neighbours/friends she managed to stay awake and interactive for a grand total of 3.5 hours from Friday night to Sunday night.

She’s due to be coming to stay with us for a week over Easter and I’ve said, if all she does is come down and sleep for the week thereby trapping us in our own home (although we do have a spare sitting room we can use) then there’s no point in her coming down again after that. A part of me is hoping that staying at ours without the easy option of going downstairs to sleep in her chair might help normalise her sleeping at night.

I have no problem with DH going to see her on his own but that would mean sometimes we would not see each other for weeks on end as he works away a lot and weekends can be the only time we see each other. Which doesn’t help me resenting her sleeping!

This could be me. It's not how I want to be it's just how it is. It's hard enough coming to terms with increasing infirmity without a small minded judgemental woman thinking I'm faking.

You sound horrible, OP. Really, sort yourself out and find some empathy.

Bearing in mind you have a 12 hour round trip to see her how often does this happen? Once a month no YABU, twice a week YANBU. Why not do something with her when you go like take her out if you want her to engage more.

I don't think she falls asleep because she's bored by you but perhaps that she's more comfortable in your company and relaxes

I think this is certainly true of my elderly brother when I visit him. He lives alone and finds it relaxing and reassuring to have my company and often falls asleep. I'd certainly never wake him up. I find something else to do and let him sleep his sleep out. I'm there when he wakes up. I don't mind this at all. The important thing to both of us is that I visit him. He lives 200 miles away so I have to stay overnight - and yes, if he's slept a lot of the day he might have a couple of hours awake during the night. It's not abnormal even for young people to be wakeful for a couple of hours overnight.There's a name for it but can't remember. It must be really annoying to have people poking you awake when you're feeling sleepy.

If it's only for a few long weekends a year I think you are being a bit unkind. She is your partner's mother , that is a very close relative with whom you should be empathising a bit more.

I understand the frustration. Be happy it isn’t happening to you. I have been very much like your mil since I was 40. Different symptoms. I’ve recently had 2 big ops. One was a particularly gruelling hysterectomy as my uterus was slowly poisoning me and I think it would have slowly killed me. I was very very ill. Much worse than how you describe your mil as I couldn’t go out do anything pleasurable at all. I hope this will help me in the long run but for now simply going to a restaurant is hard.

I agree with the supposition that she puts on an act with others and feels she can be herself with you. The effort of pretending you’re nowhere near as ill as you are is very draining. This is exactly what I do. I am truthful about how ill I am on here. This being an anonymous forum.

Think if you have very little time and drive a long way, I might be a bit irritated to travel all that way for someone being asleep most of the time and who is being awkward on top. I'd send DH by himself, it's his DM. That said, if it is someone I like, I'd take books and a laptop and just relax too.

But how many of you would be happy driving for six hours each way (12 hours round trip) giving up a valuable weekend to go and sit with someone who sleeps constantly unless there is someone other than you there

Well I do, as I wrote above, and I don't have my husband with me. I go on my own. My brother is elderly, on medication, and sleeps often and for long periods during the day. It doesn't stop me going to see him though. He appreciates that I make the effort and is good company when he does wake up. When he's asleep I don't sit fretting that he's wasting my valuable time. I find something to do.

Although it's only 5 hours each way for me.

My elderly dad has similar issues. He has very limited mobility too. His sleep routine is bed about 9pm, take forever to fall asleep, wakes in the night for cup of tea and a snack, goes back to bed and eventually sleeps until about 10am. Up and then spend most of the afternoon snoozing. Repeat.

He used to deny falling asleep too, but has eventually accepted that is what he does. He gets very frustrated at not sleeping at night, but is unable to break the cycle. The GP won’t give him sleeping tablets, so he self medicates with a tot of whisky before bed. He’s not a big drinker so we let it slide - at nearly 90 he’s allowed some vices!

If you have cared for anyone who is ill, you know as well that they generally put on an act for visitors they do not often see. She is acting normal with you OP.
And I would take my phone and MN, or take a book, or watch TV, etc.

She’ll never say “would you make a pot tea” but “if you’re making a cup of tea, I’ll have one”

Have you tried saying "Oh, OK, I'm not making one" and carrying on with something else?

When she claims she's not asleep during TV programmes, it might be worth saying "Oh good, only I missed that question about films, what was it?" or asking about plot points if it's something like Baptiste?

She is also probably not wanting to bother you, but although she can do things like make a pot of tea, it is much easier for you to do than for her.

Would it help to just accept that she’s old, alone and ill? You’re family so surely you can just relax and do your own little in house activities?
My parents aren’t at that stage yet, but I went to visit them alone one time last year in January and the weather was terrible. They suggested they take me out to a restaurant in the city and when I said I’d just come to hang out with them and we should stay in, argue, watch daytime TV and get a takeaway, the relief on their faces was a picture. We had a nice afternoon insulting one another and laughing. Sometimes it just is what it is and your MIL is not what she was so things have changed. If you genuinely like/love her, make some adjustments so you can entertain yourselves.

I don't think she falls asleep because she's bored by you but perhaps that she's more comfortable in your company and relaxes

This. One of my DD's has a sleep disorder and it can be difficult for her friends, especially new ones, to understand that she's far more likely to fall asleep with people she knows and trusts, or in settings she finds familiar, than in new places or around new people (it happens sometimes).

I had a similar issue with a teacher who made a few snippy remarks about it. When she is able to stay awake then afterwards, when she relaxes she crashes out even harder as a result.

This honestly sounds about illness and old age . It will come to all of us . It sounds like you may not have much experience of the elderly , but they do sleep poorly at night , are capable of less exertion during the day and do fall randomly asleep . Your MIL sounds like she has extra issues on top of the normal effects of getting older .

You are going to have to balance everyone’s needs . Your MIL to see her family , your husbands wish to see his mum and your families need for the release of an enjoyable weekend.

Be gentle , or you will regret it when she’s gone .

I think my journey back home to visit my elderly dad in his letter years was about 5-6 hours door to door and involved either a plane or ferry. He napped a lot.

I agree with the posters who have said that maybe MiL just feels safe enough with you around to do this.

Have you tried saying "Oh, OK, I'm not making one" and carrying on with something else?

Jesus wept!! Would anyone seriously be that rude?

latter years

Maybe she tries to deny it because she's embarrassed and realises it could be seen as rude. If you struggle to sleep at night it really is difficult to put right.

I wouldn't love driving six hours to sit with her sleeping, but I'd recognise it makes her happy to have her son there. And I'd take the chance to close myself in a book which rarely happens at home.
You sound a bit mean, although I'm sure it's just because you need to air your frustration.

When she claims she's not asleep during TV programmes, it might be worth saying "Oh good, only I missed that question about films, what was it?" or asking about plot points if it's something like Baptiste?

Please don't do that! How unkind and unnecessary.

When she claims she's not asleep during TV programmes, it might be worth saying "Oh good, only I missed that question about films, what was it?" or asking about plot points if it's something like Baptiste?

You'd have to be a pretty unpleasant sort of person to do that.

Why do you need her to 'admit' to you that she has been asleep? Are you one of these people who always has to be right?

You can't control her sleeping. As others have said, she probably falls asleep with you because she is happy and relaxed in her company. It gives you a chance to not always be 'on' when you are with her. Please make some allowances for her age and health. It would be cruel to stop visits for this. She doesn't deserve it.

You don't sound very sympathetic to be honest.

It's nice that she feels relaxed enough around you to doze off. Why are you so determined to catch her out and get her to admit that she's been sleeping? She's ill and probably embarrassed.

Why not take a book, chat to your DH, mooch on your phone, mumsnet, have a nap too?

I sound exactly like your Mil. Disordered sleeping cause by insomnia and sleep apnoea, high dosage pain meds and a routine that suits me and my family that live with me, not the ones that deign to visit occasionally.
Show a little empathy and understanding. She falls asleep in her chair so is not tired at bed time, goes up when she is ready and sleeps till something wakes her. Then is unable to return to bed perhaps because she has been in the same position too long and is now in pain, goes to her seat and grabs a few more hours. Then later because she is tired she dozes off and somebody keeps moaning at her that she is being rude and not good company and waking her up every time she falls asleep instead of leaving her for a half an hour which would do her the world of good and then enable her to enjoy the rest of the day / evening with them.

My mum is a bloody horrendous sleeper and it's all on her. She makes no effort to sleep properly during the night, sleeps on the sofa most of the day and then claims she "can't" sleep at night. When she goes to bed she stays half sat up on loads of pillows and has a tv on constantly. The volume isn't even turned down. It's no wonder she doesn't sleep. She won't try.

The difference here though is I am willing to call her out on her bullshit and walk away when she won't stay awake to speak to her visitors (the kids and I).

My only advice for you is to change the tv every time and carry on with your lives when she visits you. Walk off and do what you want. You say you have a second sitting room? Go sit in it and watch the telly you want if she's going to hog the TV whilst sleeping.