Moulimoo, it's obviously quite fresh for you and what you are feeling is normal and I think necessary- it's a process you have to go through if you are to move on (with or without him)I truely believe it's like a grieving process and just like grief you can go long peroids getting on with life then it hits you all over again.
Time, talking, honesty, more time and talking is what it takes. If he is truely ready to try and make it work then he will accept your rollercoaster emotions (because that's what it feels like- going from anger to love deep saddness and despair almost in the same sentence!)he will take it on the chin and he will try and keep tying to reassure you- after all he's caused the pain he must now put the work in.
3 years on it still enters my head at some point every day but now i often push it away. I can go days even weeks without getting upset by some reminder or tv reference but i've learned to tell him and he's learned to spot the signs and he asks- then we talk it out, he reassures me and we move that tiny bit futher on.
I recommend counselling if you can- for you (not necerssarily as a couple- for if you are talking and being honest then that's the best counselling you can get!) I went for me to let me safely vent the huge overwhelming emotions of it all without them turning destructive.
Good people can do bad things, everyone is human and capable of error and making wrong choices- I looked at what we'd had before and weighed it up aginst his "year of losing the plot" and decided that some people never get near to what we'd shared before this trauma so I kept with it, slowly very very slowly (sometimes 2 steps forward 1 back) we moved on. I do not regret for a moment my decision to keep going- he never stops regretting his choices in having an affair. However we are coming through it stronger and ore committed to each other.
I still get moments of insecurity and the trust I think will never be 100% again but it is creeping back and he's going out of his way to make me feel special agin, make me feel secure- he knows- his words he "risked so much for so little". Now he looks back on that time and can't believe it was him he even thinks of it in the third person- it's as if he was in some kind of emotional daze- no excuses he made the choices he made the mistakes- but you do have to make some sense of it.
At the time it was all happening inhis head me/ the kids were a different world to him and HER the 2 just didn't have anything to do with each other...the old lid on the box thing many men can do. It's hard to understand as I just don't think like that butatthe time that's how he was getting on with his 2 lives!
All I can say is try to keep talking, make time for each other, go out on dates- at first you'll cry your way through them but soon without thinking you realise you've spent the evening enjoying the now not the then and start looking forwards.
My mantra is "no more secrets"- it works both ways, emotions and all- let himshare your pain no matterhow rational or otherwise it seems at the tiem he causedit he can mend it.
One day at a time, keep busy but give yourself grieving time where it's safe to let go and share with him your hurt, he'll gradually realise the healing nature of this then you start working together and you feel close again and a unit again- 3 never works!
Thinking of all of you in this situation- you can and will get through it......you know we are called the weaker sex- nothing could be futher from the reality when the going gets tough!