Onwards and upwards.

[katherinez]

Well dont know if its too soon for the ADs to be kicking in but today is the first day for as long as I can remember that I havent woken up accompanied by a feeling of complete panic. The knot in my chest is still there, but it is easing. Thought I should create a new thread. 'Is it better to know', was all about my dh and his affair and I need to try to move on from that.

I hope and pray that will lead me to a stronger more commited relationship with my dh, but if not, I will need to move forward on my own. Either way, I need to draw a line under this truly awful time. Maybe jumping the gun here. I know there are plenty of tough days and weeks a head. Even so, just the title of my last thread was making me feel very queasy.

Hes just pathetic. Hes not the man I thought he was.

Katherine! Welcome to the angry phase!

Look, in a while you will move on to the acceptance phase.

But in the meantime channel your anger into action, get stuff done, sort out the legal stuff.

None of this is your fault, you have (and still are) making a huuuuge effort and he is so self absorbed he can't meet you half way.

You are onwards and upwards, he has had ages to make the mental adjustments to splitting up, you have had to hit the ground running.

You are doing good, just keep on keeping on.

Thanks OK. If this is how he is going to behave. If this is the new him. Then he really is the biggest prick Ive ever met. Didnt think he could do this to me or his children. I will find someone who deserves me. Who can talk openly and honestly about their feeling. Someone who respects me enough to be straight with me. Sod him. He is not worth a second thought.

I am feeling better. Thought it would take months to get over him. But the way hes being rigfht now. I can honestly say. We dont need a man like that in our lives. What kind of man put his dick before his own children. The lowest of the low. Thats who. All he says is "im a feelings person" I cant help what Im feeling. Pathetic. Did he expect to feel butterflies every time he saw me for the next 60 years. rubbish. Marriage is about so much more than that. Of course, it is about 'feelings'. Thats what love is, isnt it. But its also about the conscious decision you make in front of God and all your friends and family. That is a decision you make with your head. A commitment you make for the rest of your life. A commitment you make not to give in to feelings of lust at the first opportunity. Love is what you feel in your heart, but it is the commitment you make with your head too. He needs to grow up and realise that.

He is just so weak. I am so disapointed in him. I really am. But I have to accept that I do not know him at the moment. The person he is now is someone who can lie and cheat. He is so selfish. He has openly said he is putting himself first. Well you cant do that when you have children to think about. I hope he is happy in his scummy little flat.

I will be ok. I will move on from here. I am going to focus all my energy on my new life. An independant life where I can do what I want. See who I want. Make decisions for my children how I want in my home. I can look after myself. I wont have him pulling money out of the bank in drips and drabs so I will know where I am financially. I know it will be hard but we will manage and I will be in control.

He is welcome to his new life. He will be the one who misses out. He will be the one who isnt here to comfort his children when their sick. He will be the one who will have to explain to them one day when they are older why he walked out on them. He will have to live with that decision for the rest of his life. And if he thinks thats ok, then he is not the man i married.

He tells me he is being the real him now. This lying cheating scumbag is the real him is it. The faithful, honest, caring husband and father was all an act was it? Well then Im glad hes left. We went shopping a few weeks back and he kitted himself out with a whole new wardrobe for his new job. I went with him coz I thought it would be a chance for us to spend some time together and he let me spend nearly 200 quid of our joint money. He said at the time " well I wont be buying any clothes for a long time". He is a big fat liar. Im just so glad I caught him out. He thought he was so clever, well hes not. Hes bloody stupid. Throwing away his family will be the biggest mistake of his life and he will realise that one day.

DD1 said to her cousin the other day, that she thought mummy was sad and crying all the time because she kept being naughty. He cannot see the damage he has done. Not just to me and our children but to everyone we know. He has lied to everyone we know. Our families friends. Nobody recognises him anymore. And this is the real him? Pathetic.

I was honest with my dd. Thought I had to be, I could not have her thinking she was the cause of all this upset. So I just said to her that I was sad because I was missing Daddy. She said she was too, so I guess maybe she could relate to that. Didnt know what else to do. Bless her.

I will channel this anger into making a new life for me and my children. We are going to have a fabulous day out with our family today. And he can get on with what ever it is that he thinks is more important than his wife and little girls.

AAGGGHHHHHHHH. Bastard!!!

feel better now.

Katherine I am here if you need me - can you cat me i will try and cat you later if you like. Your threads are so much like mine were only a few months ago.

He is a fool and one day he will realise.
I have been feeling a bit down for the last few days - its time of the the month which never helps - i am wondering whether i would have been better if he had not come back at all. At least you will know you can make it alone. Dont get me wrong i do still love him and want us to go forward it is just that there is still so much to get through. It is not something you can just get over. I now feel unable to build my future too far ahead. That may be a good thing because of course anything could happen but i also feel that at times i am holding something back for me - and i am not liking it. I know it is only natural but i still want to give all of me to someone who will want all of me and give me all of them too in return. I know that time wil help and in so many ways we are better than we have been for a while.

I know this is difficult for you but remember your emotions are still so unsettled. You are right to be honest with your D - she will see one day what the truth is and that you were the one there for her no matter what - i feel angry too at your H for not putting them first but himself.

You will get through this and be stronger and he will be sorry. He may think this is the real him at the moment but you have know him for years - is he really that good an actor. He is just trying to make you feel bad.

The OW will also see you as a threat and will be trying to be 'better' than you so dont sink to her level - keep dignified and wait your time will come and we can all have a laugh then.

Have a great day and remember you are not alone.

Well, if you get all the anger out, that is healthy - believe it or not! We are hear to listen x

Is there anywhere you can go and have a good scream? It used to help me a lot - i would go out for a run in the country and then just stop and scream - i dont think anyone ever head but i would think they would have kept away if they had anyway - mad woman.

Thanks hurtwife. Sounds like you are trying really hard to get through all this. I guess it is a long process and definately not the easy option. I guess one day I may want to work through this with my H. I am not scared any more. I honestly do feel like I could do anything with out him. I do not need him. I am perfectly capable of looking after myself and my children. I do want to work things through with him because despite everything I still love him. And I do feel it is very un just because he has not given it a proper shot. If he had been truly honest months ago I know we could have sorted things out. He didnt tell me straight how he was feeling. And what ever happens I will always feel sad. Like we didnt give a real go when we both wanted it to.

Certainly getting the anger out Dior.

I love running HW. Was going to do the race for life this weekend but havent given it a second thought lately. Will have to get back into it though, once I am feeling stronger. More incentive to keep in shape now. Especially now Im single!

Going on holiday next week with my family. Will take my trainers and my ipod and make the mosty of the live in baby sitters for the week. Will have to try and have some nights out while I am away. Definately need to move on. Need to have some fun and concentrate on being me again.

AAGGGhhh. Anger is good. Very good. Better than feeling sorry for the pathetic loser. Hope things go ok for you on holiday.

Had a great dau out with my dds today. Took them to the circus. They absolutely loved it. DD2 was a picture laughing her head off at the clowns.

Going to meet up with some friends tomorrow and have a few drinks. Going to make the most of my freedom. H has the dds all day tomorrow.

Yes. One day at a time. Im quite surprised by how strong I feel. A week a go I didnt think I could carry on, So much has happened in a week. Im slowly taking control of the situation and I feel better for that. I have come to the conclusion that he will lose far more than me in the long run. It is sad because I do love and miss him. That said, Im feeling quite good about myself. The independance is doing wonders for my self estem. And this is only week one. I am quite excited about the chalenges ahead. I really am. Quite suprised myself tbh.

Going to have a lovely grown up day while H has the dds. Going to enjoy some adult time.

I do admire you for wanting to make a go of things. I would love to show my H that I can be the wife he wants and needs. But I cant think about that at the moment. He is still living in a dream world and not facing up to what he has done. I think it will take him a long time to accept what has happened. His behaviour is really out of character and he must be feeling guilty as hell. He is still walking round like he hasnt done anything wrong. So until he can realise the impact of hie actions and be honest with me im fighting a losing battle. Anyway, Im enjoying my independance in the meantime!

katherinez you're doing amazingly well. It's so good to get the anger out believe me! Better out than building up inside you.

I feel exactly the same as you in every way. Ds cried for 2 hours for daddy last night because we'd spent some time together all 3 of us and he couldn't understand why daddy then had to go

Thing is, daddy didn't have to go - he just chose to go because he was to weak, selfish and pathetic to stick to his wedding vows and keep his trousers up!

But anyway, keep remembering onwards and upwards! It's the only way!

Katherinez, I've been watching your thread and just wanted to add how well you are doing- I haven't contributed before as all I wanted to say Hurtwife was saying so well(Hi hurtwife good to see you are still around and doing well)
Regular psoters know my story so i won't repeat it- long story short - dh had an affair about 3 1/2 years ago now with work colleague. Completley out of the blue, 20 years together then, 3 gorgeous children and a fantastic marriage to that point- it took about a year to get HER completely out of our lives and my dh acted (as most men in this situation act) like a complete tosser - he went from this kind, loyal generous hearted man to a selfish decieving manipulitave monster!
It took me lots of soul searching and discovering I was actually a strong and quite nice person to realise it was not my fault- it was him- there wasn't even an awful lot wrong in our relationship the problem lay within himself and he had a kind of mid-life crisis thing when she happened to "be there with the right smile at the right time"- or should I say wrong time!

Anyway we are still together and are closer and stronger. It still impacts upon our lives but slowly we are moving onwards and upwards. I reached the stage you are at where i decided after standing by him and wanting to work it out that enough was enough- he had to face the consiquences of his choices- I could do no more to make him see sense. Fortunatley he did wake up just in time- put himself into counselling, stopped all contact with her, worked with me to stop her contacting him and here we are.

He did all the things your dh has/is doing- the text book "how to cheat on your wife" words and actions. I heard recently she's still with her dh but has had another relationship in the meantime!!!!!! I didn't know whether to feel sad or happy as she (a total stranger to me) made me so sad there are still days I nurture revenge! But I won't I know i'm better than that.

The sad thing is I can see you are in the same position I was dh still not waking up from his false fantasy world. Forthat is what affairs are they are fantasy and escapism- not always from the relationship the person is in - they can be escapism from something within that person- they tend not to surrvive because they are not built on truth or even love. There will be a lot of talk by your dh of love - he loves her- she's changed his life etc etc I want to shake him for you because my experience is it will not last he's not in love he's in lust and oh what a drugthat is to men of a cetain age. It makes them turn inot this non thinking "dick" lead idiot.

When I asked my dh how he felt about the news of HER he said he felt even more of a fool than he was at the time ecause the pfofessed undying love etc and look within a few months well he's history she's got her claws into someone else!

My dh can now see just what a fool he was he knows it was nothing more than a "high" infatuation a huge ego boost- it was a fantasy when reality hitit culd not surrvive - i found out and I became part of her life too (I went to see her a couple of times- I knew the bubble needed bursting- I was civil but firm- it made me feel empowered!)

Anyway just wanted to add my support- you are strong and you can if you choose to do so make a life of you own- sadly your dh will wake up one day I just fear from what you say that he's going to be too late- tooo much hurt- too much destroyed!

Take care please keep talking there are lots of us out here with similar stories - MN helped me at the time please lean on us!