How do you feel on mothers day when you dislike your mother?

[SpamChaudFroid]

As it's mother's day, my thoughts turned to my own "mother". We've been NC since February 2018. I just had a lightbulb moment - She told me as a child that Christmas was more important than birthdays, so to only expect a small token gift. Christmasses on the other hand were a HUGE deal, loads of wrapped tat handed out to siblings and I.

Siblings and I didn't spend birthdays at home, having been sent to boarding school from 6+. Just now a switch flicked on and I realised her attitude towards birthdays was because there was nobody to witness her generosity, and neither would she be there to bask in it. We were out of sight, and it didn't occur to her that little children's birthdays are for the child, not just the parent.

From the age of about 12 it occurred to me that I wouldn't feel sad or miss my parents if they died and was terribly ashamed of that thought. I was right though, my father died a year ago and I didn't feel a thing. I do sometimes wonder if I'm a sociopath!

Sorry if I've rambled.

It's very difficult when parent relationships aren't what they should be. I struggled hugely finding Mother's Day cards that weren't "to the best mother in the world" type messages.

I am just glad i am no contact with her, no fake being nice and trying to buy a none soppy card

I have a strained relationship with my mum to say the least.
I know exactly what popcorn means re cards.
I did phone my mother this morning but she wasn't taking calls.

I know what you mean pickle. I always opt for a plain “blank for your own message” type card with flowers on the front; then step away, duty done.

Spam, you probably haven't 'rambled' enough
If you are anything like me you could be here all day.
Unmumsnetty hugs to all .

I haven’t seen or had any contact with mine in over ten years, I’m not sure I really consider her to be my mother. I still see/talk to my ex partners mum so I always send her a card and flowers on mothers day.

I may have toyed with the idea of sending her a MD card fashioned from a printed out page from The Daughters OF Narcissistic Mothers website, Pickle.

I guess I would feel conflicted and just ignore it. However - for what it is worth - in my family there were also a lot of presents at Christmas and just a couple of gifts on birthdays. I don’t know why but it was always the same and I didn’t question it. The same family members were there for Christmas and birthdays so it wasn’t anything to do with how it looked to people. I wonder if this might be a ‘thing’, particularly with a certain generation? Honestly don’t know!
I’m sure there’s more to your story than that if you’ve gone NC but just thought it might be worth mentioning.

My mother died just over a year ago. I’ve been NC for 30yrs, because she enabled her husband in his abuse of us. I only found out a few months ago that she had died. It was odd, that I used to think I’d be upset. I was more hurt by what kind of mother she WASN’T, rather than what she was, iykwim. I didn’t even think about her, until you mentioned it, tbh.

As per pp, it is difficult when 'parents' are not what they 'should be'. Your post resonated. Detaching yourself from people who demonstrate repeatedly that they are unable to meet your emotional needs, or be a healthy presence in your life does not make you a sociopath. It makes you wise and insightful in my opinion. My mother, who sounds of a similar mindset to your own, passed in my early teens. I felt nothing and actually think it was for the best. My father passed later and again due to context, nothing. Being a mother/ father boils down to more than simply 'having a child.

Thatnovembernight, I don't think that's the case with her, re. christmas and birthdays because after we left home birthday gifts became much more extravagant. Sometimes. What she likes doing is to send all siblings but one a cheque for their birthday one year, then the following perhaps send an (insanely large) to to one sibling only.

It's like scapegoat lottery.

S1naidSucks, I wonder that, will I feel sad for the mother I wish I had. I don't think I will though, because I don't even want a mother now, the thought of someone giving me a motherly hug repulses me. I think I'll probably be elated when she dies if I'm truly honest.

She sounds a real treat . You just can’t try and figure out these types, can you?

I must admit, I did feel a sense of relief when she died. My scumbag father died a few years ago. It feels like the closing of a chapter and I can finally, at the age of 51, move forward, without wondering if things would change. It’s over and done with now.

Ha love that I’m not alone in choosing a card. I did pop over but have opted out of lunch together as just couldn’t face it. A shame as mine has moments where she’s amazing but I can’t cope with the inconsistencies of when she’s not!

Sad and inadequate

It’s my least favourite day of the year.

My mother will phone me up later to tell me what a bad daughter I am. My own dcs have done nothing to mark the day because I deliberately don’t drop hints (because I don’t want to be like my own mother who tells me I must do x, y, z on mother’s day). I hoped they’d spontaneously want to do something but they haven’t.

Oh Bibbity, what a shite day for you. here, have some

Don't take the call from your mother later on, you don't have to, you know.

Can you not demand your DCs so something nice? As in, "You've all been arseholes, do you want to make it up to me by making dinner tonight?" The day doesn;t have to be completely ruined!

OP, you aren't a sociopath. A sociopath wouldn't worry about whether their parents loved them, whether they loved their parents, and whether not caring about mothers day made them a sociopath.

You have likely been grieving your parents - or rather the absence of the parents you should have had - for years. By the time they die, you would have done the grieving that those with decent parents wouldn't do until the actual death.

In that sense, your reaction to your father's death was perfectly normal. You had already grieved.

It's a chore to barely tolerate

I see my mother on birthdays (hers only), Christmas and Mother's Day

We both know it is a farce. It's quite shit and I dread it.

Bibbitty, same here! Nothing from my adult DCs, DH doesn't remind them.

Left a message for my mother, she's just rung back and moaned and winged about how hard done by she is- DB isn't going to see her until 1, DSis is looking after a child with chickenpox so can't go over. My card hasn't arrived in time, and my gift is going with my brother.

"It's always the same, on birthdays as well, I just want to feel as though someone cares..."

We took her away on holiday over her birthday, I sent flowers last Mother's Day. She's totally unreasonable.

I'm sat with my mum now and her now husband. She left the left home and her kids (my brother and I) as teenagers to live with her affair partner. We have nothing in common. She's distracted, uninterested and not at all emotionally intelligent. I feel invisible. But I've come along for my son's sake. You're not alone. It's had a huge impact on me over the years and her behaviour also contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. I'm feeling quite numb. So, you're not alone OP

She sounds incredibly toxic, coffeechoc. Does your son really need a relationship with such a person? He probably doesn't...

Can’t stand my mother, abusive witch, three children and I’m only in contact for the sake of my father and daughter who have a lovely friendship.

Happy mother’s day to us mothers who survived shite mothers and went on to do a better job despite our own mothers and not because of our mothers.

Also moonpig is great for cards because you can edit a lot of the words out.

Spam

Have a look at and post on the well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these pages.

FWIW I do not think you are a sociopath nor have rambled on either. I think you are instead the daughter of a narcissistic mother who has an awful lot more to say on your so called mother too. It is really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.