How do you feel on mothers day when you dislike your mother?

[SpamChaudFroid]

As it's mother's day, my thoughts turned to my own "mother". We've been NC since February 2018. I just had a lightbulb moment - She told me as a child that Christmas was more important than birthdays, so to only expect a small token gift. Christmasses on the other hand were a HUGE deal, loads of wrapped tat handed out to siblings and I.

Siblings and I didn't spend birthdays at home, having been sent to boarding school from 6+. Just now a switch flicked on and I realised her attitude towards birthdays was because there was nobody to witness her generosity, and neither would she be there to bask in it. We were out of sight, and it didn't occur to her that little children's birthdays are for the child, not just the parent.

From the age of about 12 it occurred to me that I wouldn't feel sad or miss my parents if they died and was terribly ashamed of that thought. I was right though, my father died a year ago and I didn't feel a thing. I do sometimes wonder if I'm a sociopath!

Sorry if I've rambled.

My own mother does not like mothers day and never has (she thinks its a ripoff) so I do not bother with cards and the like. TBH I would not get her a card anyway; sod being dutiful here because it really does you no favours in the long run.

My thoughts today are with the likes of the people on this thread and the Stately Homes one. They are also with three of my friends whose mothers have now died.

@spam. She is, plus she openly admits that she doesn't care how she is or what people think of her. I think she has some sort of personality disorder. She can also be a bully. However her husband enables her. They live in their own bubble
As a now single parent, I rely on her for childcare. I feel utterly stuck. She loves this control. I wish we could up and leave

Coffeechoc

I would not want to see your mother either and you should not be seeing her out of some misguided sense of obligation towards your son either. I would not think your son gets much if anything out of a relationship with your mother in any event, you certainly do not.

It is not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way.

Please coffeechoc, stop using her as of now for childcare. You need someone else to do the childminding. She is patently not a suitable person to act as a minder to your son and will in all likelihood damage him and not too dissimilarly as to how you have been harmed. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done. Your mother is no different.

Think you are right; your mother does indeed have some form of personality disorder. It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. Deal properly too and now with your FOG; fear, obligation and guilt through counselling. Do consider reading and or posting on the stately homes thread also.

@Attlia. I 'manage' contact. She lives very close by. My brother lives the other side of the world and doesn't have much contact at all. I should start my own thread about this.
Recently, me feeling quite desperate (depression I suspect) my barrier came down. I was having suicidal thoughts. I was reaching out (I've told no-one this) and she basically brushed it off and changed the conversation, saying I should be grateful for life. As many of you may probably know, this is the absolute worst thing she could have said. I'm very grateful but my symptoms became hard to manage

That must be horrible for you and DS, coffee, I hope you can find a way out of the situation, for your sanity and happiness.

Attila, I never know where to start on the Stately Homes thread, I think i may have attempted posting once or twice over the years. There's so much to unpick though, and I get overwhelmed.

I hate my mother and honestly believe she should never have had children. I don’t have any contact with her nor do I wish to but today I’m angry that I don’t have a mother I can visit and have a relationship with. My relationship with my own daughter is the polar opposite of that with my mother and that’s what I’m choosing to celebrate today.

I've always tried my best to love my Mum but she's always been very self-absorbed, same as my Dad. I paid over £100 to take her out last weekend, as an early MD treat and I put a photo of us and of my DDs with her on her FB wall. My fucking drama queen of a sister told her she looked massive on the photos (Mum is very weight conscious) so Mum deleted them all. What my sister says, happens.

I've struggled to even buy a card I'm so hurt and so bloody tired of being the invisible daughter. I'm NC with my sister and can see things with Mum heading the same way.........

to everyone who's feeling crap about today.

It's the complete lack of empathy isn't it, coffee? I used to reach out in the past to my mother too, because in that moment of turmoil you forget that you won't get a shred of comfort, and actually end up feeling so much worse.

@spam. totally. I will come back to the thread after and give some examples. I live a half live (in my 40s)

Spam

I would suggest that you just write down what you feel and think on the Stately Homes thread and go from there. You can write as much or as little as you wish and there is really no need to be overwhelmed by it. Many people do dip in and out, I do and post on there from time to time also. PM me if you wish too.

I sent a duty card and haven't text her. I always send a card saying 'It's Mothers' Day!' or something factually accurate like that; no effusive poems for her!

I've been having a lot of therapy and it's really making me reassess the amount of effort I put into the relationship. I used to always send a card and gift for every birthday, mothers' day and Christmas; not because I care about her, but because I don't want to be a petty person or for her to have any ammunition to criticise my behaviour, but I'm getting past caring now. I never get anything in return, she didn't even acknowledge my last birthday, and she never sends cards or presents, so why should I bother?

for all the people with crappy mothers out there.

Spam

Narcissists have a complete lack of empathy; that to me anyway is one of their main indicators. It is really not possible to have a relationship of any sort with such a disordered of thinking person.

Coffee,

Do feel free to start your own thread here.

Your mother is probably the main reason why your brother moved to the other side of the world.

I think that even the current level of contact you have coffee is too much given how much she is affecting your mental health now. I am so sorry that she is not and will never be the kind mother you perhaps still want her to be. She will never give you her approval, not that you actually need this from her anyway. You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Awkward. I couldn't bring myself to get a card. Haven't for decades. Sometimes, like this year, I look at them in the shop, get a bit upset at how none of those are even remotely relevant and walk off. We live in different countries. I texted her. She hasn't responded.

Wow, my mum has always been the same with presents at birthdays vs Christmas and I’ve never understood it. I think you’ve just opened my eyes.

She also has a habit of shouting about my achievements on social media and lapping up all the comments from her friend, but never contacts me directly to ask me about what I’ve achieved, or congratulate me

I buy cards/ presents for her at Mother’s Day but I never do anything with her on the day. It’s just going through the motions really.

Thanks @Attila.
She just tries to take over in every way. She is jealous of me and it's awful. If I buy something, she'll then go and buy the exact same thing. She's unhappy when anything goes right for me it seems (the look on her face could kill)
She is over familiar with people, what's that about? has friended my best friend on fb (she doesn't know her) I don't even have my own social group of school mum's as she took over it. It's very embarrassing as I don't want to be associated with her. She also doesn't keep anything private. My life is f%$#ed for now, until ds finishes secondary. I can't every start a relationship with her 'there'

Another one who goes through the motions here. I usually send flowers, just with the generic card on which I can have them write Happy Mothers Day rather than anything gushing.

I went low contact in the past and now she’s dead and I didn’t feel a thing when she went either.

My own kids have been round and I got lovely cards from all, nothing elaborate but an hours company having a chin wag as they are all grown ups.

for all of you with inadequate mothers.
Mine was too, parents separated and she said she didn’t want me aged 3 or my 6 year old brother, though she kept my baby sister. So we lived with my dad and then a new step mum. She never once tried to offer an explanation, never once told me she loved me and regretted letting me go. She just expected me to be a dutiful daughter, which caused so much anger an resentment in me.

I went to therapy last year aged 53 and it has helped so much. The anger has gone which is much better for my mental health. I’d highly recommend finding a counsellor who specialises in issues rooted in childhood.

Years ago, mothers day was raw and a bit weird.
As time has gone on its changed. Its still a funny day but more because i feel like i should be feeling something. Its ok now that mothers day is about me and my sons and other peoples mums.
I give thanks to all my friends mothers who raised me too. From them i learned to be a mum.

Theres a bit of me thats bitter. She raised two children who she doted on and was a typical mother. I the eldest was left as a baby and always treated differently like there was something wrong with me.

I owe my job to her though. I used to think if i could show her how good i was then shed have to love me. Im now a childrens cancer nurse heading up a unit. When i got the job, she was one of the first people i told. She put the phine down on me. Never spoke to her since and she will never get another chance. My grandad (her Dad) has always said its strange and thinks its because she feels guilty so cant face me.

My friends mothers are the women who raised me and im the person i am because of my family, friends and friends mothers

I have nothing to tell my mum. I do call her on her birthday and weekends. After the "Hi how are you doing? " always comes "I'm going to pass to your father." And this are our conversations. I nearly died under her care once or twice. Can't bring myself to buy a card as I know I wouldn't be able to pen anything. Sure I won't miss her either when she dies.

I'm sat here in tears reading this thread. Sorry to all of you that find today hard

I feel the same. I stood like a twat in the card aisle the other day trying to find the most "suitable" one for her.

I did get her a card in the end and shortly after received a message about me but not meant for me.

It was extremely hurtful and unnecessary.

I feel like I'm grieving as dramatic as that sounds. I'm just so sad that I don't feel like I have a mum.

Jumpy deer 💐💐💐 it is hard and I know it has made me unemotional as a result as keep things bottled up. Least there’s a few of us feeling the same x

I've moved passed the 'sad and wishing I had a better mum' phase, and into the 'doing my duty because she's a little old lady but not really emotionally invested' phase.

That said, her 'poor me' rant at lunch time really pissed me off- because of her total obliviousness to ruining my day, and her lack of appreciation that her DS spent the longest half of his day with her instead of with his wife and small DCs.

She's a miserable cow. And I rarely speak badly of anyone.

I'm just bloody annoyed that I took so long to go NC with her. But so relieved that she's out of my life.