How do you feel on mothers day when you dislike your mother?

[SpamChaudFroid]

As it's mother's day, my thoughts turned to my own "mother". We've been NC since February 2018. I just had a lightbulb moment - She told me as a child that Christmas was more important than birthdays, so to only expect a small token gift. Christmasses on the other hand were a HUGE deal, loads of wrapped tat handed out to siblings and I.

Siblings and I didn't spend birthdays at home, having been sent to boarding school from 6+. Just now a switch flicked on and I realised her attitude towards birthdays was because there was nobody to witness her generosity, and neither would she be there to bask in it. We were out of sight, and it didn't occur to her that little children's birthdays are for the child, not just the parent.

From the age of about 12 it occurred to me that I wouldn't feel sad or miss my parents if they died and was terribly ashamed of that thought. I was right though, my father died a year ago and I didn't feel a thing. I do sometimes wonder if I'm a sociopath!

Sorry if I've rambled.

I can't cpunt the number of times my eyes have been swimming with tears whilst perusing the card shelves at Asda

Wow I thought it was just me standing there for ages in the card shop!
This is my first year without this problem as DM died last summer. We were NC when she passed away. Been very strange not having that cloud hanging over the day. However as mentioned by others here, it's a day that make me sad for what I didn't have . Have lovely DC who have made me smile today.

I feel very sad. But also liberated.
Have been very LC for about 1 year and it's the first time I haven't sent a card or flowers.
I didn't give it too much thought, I just decided it wasn't worth getting het up over.
I had a lovely, normal day with my kids.
Messing, arguing, playing, just the usual.
But of course she was in the back of my mind.
However, several unrelated things made me very thankful today for my own family and I know that I'm so very lucky. I don't need my mum to validate my existence.

It's tricky but just because they are your parents doesn't mean they are good people. Sounds mad but that was my lightbulb moment.

I struggle with cards too. Sent a plain one, followed up by a text.

I guess we are LC... I think she’s punishing me (her behavior was awful, I called her out on it and refuse to apologise though have offered to draw a line under it and move on which clearly isn’t good enough) by not being in touch with me for the past year... but honestly this somehow suits me too. Despite feeling liberated by not being in touch with her I’ve made the odd attempt to communicate and get very little back. The damage was done years ago, this latest episode was the straw that broke the camels back so I don’t know how things go from here.

Thankfully I live abroad and MD is on a different date here. I am relieved to be able to separate my MD from her. I will enjoy it with my little family and not give her a second thought - god knows she won’t - she’s never acknowledged me being a mum on MD because everything has always been all about her.

Big hugs to you all. Therapy has really helped me process all this and I would highly recommend it!

Utter shit. My aunts used to come up and want to celebrate with me, but I used to hate it.

Solidarity sisters

I too have spent many an hour in Clinton cards crying over the words in the cards.

I wish I had a mum. I wish the kids had a Nana.

But she's a nasty manipulative witch with no empathy and a desire to fuck everything and everyone up.

I'm so glad I don't see her anymore. And very glad I don't need to pretend on mothers day with fake gifts and cards that mean nothing.

So many of these posts resonate with me. NC for over 10 years. I do not miss her but I wish a mother/daughter relationship. As MIL is dead it’s all been about he today celebrating with my own DCs. Wasn’t until I had then I realised fully she was toxic and a nsrc.

It's tricky but just because they are your parents doesn't mean they are good people. Sounds mad but that was my lightbulb moment

That was a huge revelation for me too. Honour your parents and all that. And then I realised how off my moral compass was - for example mother used to shoplift, keep parcels that were accidentally delivered to her house, keep purses she found instead of handing them in, (MC, so lack of money not even an excuse) - so hardly surprising really. She still maintains she was the most fabulous mother.

One of my earlier memories of her is where we are in church and she's wearing a fur coat and I had my head resting against her, (was tired, long catholic church services). She let me, but afterwards told me off and not to do it again because "people would think she had a strange child". She left my dad not long after that for some bloke she met at church, (whose son was dating my DSis!) so she must have thought a young child holding onto her would ruin her chances. She would encourage me to call this man "daddy" using his dog as a bribe, "the dog will be yours if you do X" kind of thing. He ended it and she went back to live with my dad.

And my birds and the bees talk? She called me up to the bathroom, drunk, and asked if I wanted to look at her naked and would I like to draw her. Fucking terrifying for a six year old.

I am so glad that mothers day is over as my mum is a waste of space. I have stopped seeing her as she made me feel like crap. She had to have her own way over absolutely everything. She has the belief that if you drink alcohol it automatically makes you an alcoholic. I have suffered from mild depression in the past. If i so much as started crying in front of her she would start shouting at me.

I know what you mean. I always opt for a plain “blank for your own message” type card with flowers on the front; then step away, duty done.

Yep, my husband is in the same boat. He used to make it his business to buy the plainest Mother's Day card he could find. All this, 'to a special mum who means so much' on cards was an insult to their relationship. He could not find a card with the message, 'I know this card will be greeted with the same indifference with which it is sent.' Lately, he just gets any old card because he just wants the job done/brief fulfilled.

I'm the same with my Dad on Birthday, Fathers Day and Christmas. If questioned I would say jokingly, 'oh spare me the schmaltz' the truth is I have so very little positive sentiment left for him.

am with you all. It's awful. And worse when people don't understand properly, FIL asked why I wasn't seeing my Mum yesterday as even though 'I know you don't get on but still, you're her daughter, you should see her'

That comment upset me so much, I'd love to have a relationship with my mum, but I just can't. She has babysat a couple of times and not fed our child, or left him in the same nappy all day as she's sat on her phone. She just has no awareness of things around her, and doesn't care - will lie when caught out and keep living the lie. My granny raised us all, and good god do I miss her.

I had the “ahh but she’s your mum” comment from someone today. That’s why I don’t talk about it much, some people simply can’t comprehend how it could be like that... I always feel happy for them that they have such a secure and positive relationship with their mum, and that they are lucky to not even get how it’s possible.... But it does also make me a bit sad and also a bit lonely as not many people IRL can empathize.

I only talkabout it on here and with DH. Unless you have been there, folk do not understand.

"You only get one mum/dad..." Yes...unfortunately.