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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

obviously worth nothing to him

66 replies

pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 11:33

So, I bought mil a mother's day card off h as I know he's useless and wouldn't have bothered off his own back. My own mum died in 2017.

I had dd in with me last night as she had a horrible cough, which meant that I barely slept and shouted him to come and fetch her downstairs while I had a shower to wake myself up.

I came downstairs thinking I'd have a nice card to open, but nothing. So as silly and pathetic as it sounds, I've spent the majority of the morning fighting back the tears

Every single Sunday we have to go to his mum and dad's house and of course today was no exception. I stayed in the front room while he was getting ready to leave and he made a comment about me being miserable and staying at home, so I shouted that I wasn't going anywhere because I wasn't going to sit there while he gave his mum a card that Id bought, while I was obviously worth so little that he couldn't be bothered to even buy a card for me.

He came storming into the front room, threw his work bag up the wall and started screaming in my face, and punched the side of the sofa next to my head before he went to take dd (who was screaming at this point) out of the house. I went and took her off him and said that she wasn't going anywhere while he was in that mood and he stormed off upstairs while I've sat downstairs crying and trying to calm down dd

He's calmed down now and taken her to his parents' house and I just don't have the energy to argue with him and create an atmosphere with his parents. So, I'm now sat here, alone on mother's day, wishing I hadn't opened my mouth, while mil gets to play mummy to dd

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 31/03/2019 11:35

You are married to a dickhead. The problem isn't you complaining about mistreatment, it's you being mistreated.

TheQueef · 31/03/2019 11:36

Why is it your fault for opening your mouth?
Why are you treading egg shells for having dared comment?

Because he's a bully and abusive.

Sorry to be blunt Flowers

HollowTalk · 31/03/2019 11:36

He is disgusting. You must be living on tenterhooks.

Can you imagine a life without him?

WarlocksAreLocks · 31/03/2019 11:40

Can you imagine a life without him? and how nice it might be

This is my first mother's day as a single parent. After a long but not very nice marriage.

It's bloody lovely. My children woke me up with a terrible cup of tea and I'm not having to pretend that I don't mind being invisible, like wallpaper, like background noise, in my own home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2019 11:43

Do not buy any further cards on his behalf.

I would be talking to Women’s aid in your particular circumstances and work out how to exit this relationship as quickly and safely as possible.
You are walking on eggshells with this man aka living in fear. Your daughter is also picking up on the domestic violence within her home too. This is no life for her either and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Their number is 0808 2000 247.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 11:43

At the moment I don't think I can imagine being without him. No one else will want me and I've got nowhere else to go

He's never done anything like this before, but I know how bad it can get from how my dad was with my mum

I'm fed up of spending so much time with his parents, yet he pulls his face if I dare to arrange some time with my dad's side of the family before he goes to work in the afternoon

OP posts:
Amongstthetallgrass · 31/03/2019 11:44

Well luckily it wasn’t yours or your daughters face he slammed his fist in to.

What a disgusting thing to do. No wonder she was crying she must have been very scared. Does this happen much?

HeavenlyEyes · 31/03/2019 11:45

He sounds like a violent, aggressive, abusive bully?

Amongstthetallgrass · 31/03/2019 11:46

pink you better dig deep for some self respect and get your shit together.

What he has done is NOT ok. Is this what you want your dd to grow up thinking it’s normal, that’s it’s ok for her man to do to her?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2019 11:49

That is what he wants you to believe, that you are nothing without him. You will be a lot bloody happier without him and he needs you to rule over and otherwise abuse. It sounds like he has tried and almost succeeded in grinding you down completely, what he is doing here is all about power and control and his behaviour is abusive.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up pink?
Are you basically now repeating what your dad did to your mother, it does seem so. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what they taught you. Surely you would not want your daughter to learn this.

Would your late mother want to see you and her granddaughter being treated like this, no she would in all likelihood not want this for either of you now.

How can you be supported into leaving this man?. Life without him in your life day to day will be a lot calmer for both you and your child.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 31/03/2019 11:50

See how your parents’ relationship conditioned you? So you want them same for your DD? Confused

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 11:50

@Amongstthetallgrass sorry if I wasn't clear, dd didn't see anything as she was in the hall, excited to go and see her Nana and Grandad, she heard the screaming, it still doesn't excuse it though

OP posts:
joliejoleen · 31/03/2019 11:51

No one else will want you... even if that were true, you don't need anyone. First you need to regain some self respect!

Amongstthetallgrass · 31/03/2019 11:53

Pink well hopefully one day it won’t be your front teeth he rams his fist in to.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2019 11:54

She did not have to see it, she heard it and that was more than bad enough. She probably was terrified and has no real idea of what is going on. There is not justification or excuse for his abuse of you and in turn she because she will be affected by domestic abuse just as you have been. You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and now your 2 years old is starting to learn these too. It’s no legacy to leave her pink, it really is not.

Would you consider now calling women’s aid?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 11:54

Dad used to flare up at mum when he hadn't had a smoke, he'd keep her up for hours on end having a go at her in the night. He used to blame her for us having had to move to Wales from a big city because she had lung failure and she hoped the cleaner air would help

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 31/03/2019 11:55

I know how bad it can get from how my dad was with my mum

Fast forward 25 years and it will be your DD writing this sentence. Sad

You know this isn’t right. A man who gets so angry and aggressive that he punches furniture is only one step away from physically assaulting you. I know. I’ve been there. It escalates.

Your poor DD must have been terrified watching that happen - is this the childhood you want her to remember and to play out in her own relationships?

You say nobody else would have you. A) that’s not true, he’s just made you think that’s the case to keep you trapped. B) even if it were true, it’s not important. Having a man is not the be all and end all. Having self respect and a safe loving home for your DD IS the be all and end all.

Please for her sake if not your own (we can be notoriously stupid when it comes to wanting the best for ourselves, but this isn’t just about you!) find a way out. Speak to your dad - he will help you. Speak to women’s aid, your GP or the health visitor, a friend, anyone at all. Just shine a light on this shitty behaviour and you will see options opening up to help you get away from him.

Whatever you do, cover your tracks, don’t let him see your browser history etc and close this page/log out so he can’t see your thread. Many abusive men escalate their aggressive behaviour when they realise they’re losing you.

Please don’t accept this as your lot. There is no amount of abuse that is acceptable in a loving relationship. And this IS abuse. Flowers BrewCake

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2019 11:57

Is that what he has tried to condition you into believing pink, that no one else will want you?. What utter rot, you do know that was said to keep you trapped and further controlled by him. Did your dad say similar to your mother too?,

The man is an inadequate human being and is a poor example of a father to his child too.

RagingWhoreBag · 31/03/2019 11:58

Second thoughts maybe your dad isn’t the right person to talk to about it, but certainly his side of the family, the ones you want to visit. Do you have an aunt or cousin you could talk to?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2019 12:01

This is why you need to plan your exit from this abusive man with care and this is why I have mentioned women’s aid. They can and will help you leave.

No one sadly thought it necessary to protect you from abuse as a child and it’s partly why you are with this abusive invididual now, people tend to repeat what they know. Your daughter cannot and must not learn these same damaging lessons pink, you will fail her as a parent if she did write about she growing up within such an abusive household years down the line.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 12:02

Maybe I'm trying to find excuses, but honestly, he's never done this before. We've had arguments, like I'm sure most couples do, but there has never been this reaction. I'm sure there's nothing going on at work for him as I normally ask him each night how it's been. There's been stress lately with his Nana having been ill and in hospital, but she's home now and doing so much better.

My own brothers have actually messaged to wish me happy mothers day. And the father of my child, my husband, can't even be bothered to do so. That makes me feel worthless. I've always made sure he had nice stuff from dd for father's day, Ive never let him go thinking that what he does for this family isn't appreciated

I should have just kept my mouth shut. There's women out there who have this on a daily basis and worse

OP posts:
Moanymoaner123 · 31/03/2019 12:02

You need to leave this vile abusive man. If not for yourself for your daughter. He is making you feel as though you can't leave, but you can. And you don't need someone else lined up, focus on yourself and your dd. This is my first Mother's Day as a single mum, it is a million times better than being let down and abused by a pathetic, disgusting man. My ex did things like you describe your H doing, it is abuse. And you don't deserve to be abused

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 12:05

Dad died in 2009, so I couldn't talk to him even if I wanted to

We live surrounded by his family, mine are at least a 45 minute motorway drive away. I don't have any friends to turn to as they were all back in Wales, which we left because I couldn't keep dd from her family and we were having a rubbish time with her epilepsy consultant

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 12:09

I'm sorry, but I don't want to waste people's time. I'm not strong enough to leave at the moment. I can't face it

He's never told me no one else will want me. This is my own realisation. Who would want a huge woman (believe me I am, though I am trying to do something about it), with a child in tow

OP posts:
warriorprincessandwidowed · 31/03/2019 12:09

I can't believe you allowed him to take your daughter after displaying violence.

You did nothing wrong. This may sound harsh but you kind of need to grow up.