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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

obviously worth nothing to him

66 replies

pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 11:33

So, I bought mil a mother's day card off h as I know he's useless and wouldn't have bothered off his own back. My own mum died in 2017.

I had dd in with me last night as she had a horrible cough, which meant that I barely slept and shouted him to come and fetch her downstairs while I had a shower to wake myself up.

I came downstairs thinking I'd have a nice card to open, but nothing. So as silly and pathetic as it sounds, I've spent the majority of the morning fighting back the tears

Every single Sunday we have to go to his mum and dad's house and of course today was no exception. I stayed in the front room while he was getting ready to leave and he made a comment about me being miserable and staying at home, so I shouted that I wasn't going anywhere because I wasn't going to sit there while he gave his mum a card that Id bought, while I was obviously worth so little that he couldn't be bothered to even buy a card for me.

He came storming into the front room, threw his work bag up the wall and started screaming in my face, and punched the side of the sofa next to my head before he went to take dd (who was screaming at this point) out of the house. I went and took her off him and said that she wasn't going anywhere while he was in that mood and he stormed off upstairs while I've sat downstairs crying and trying to calm down dd

He's calmed down now and taken her to his parents' house and I just don't have the energy to argue with him and create an atmosphere with his parents. So, I'm now sat here, alone on mother's day, wishing I hadn't opened my mouth, while mil gets to play mummy to dd

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/03/2019 12:14

You don't need to have a man/partner to have a good life!

What's wrong with choosing to be single rather than put up with the life you have now?

Speak to WA as it could get worse quickly

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 12:15

@warriorprincessandwidowed I let him take her because she was excited to see her Nana and Grandad and he had calmed down. I didn't want it to escalate again and for dd to get upset again. So, I could honestly do without being judged

OP posts:

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 31/03/2019 12:30

He's a violent nutcase and your daughter is going to grow up watching this. Make a plan to leave op. You don't have to leave today, but start planning.

magoria · 31/03/2019 12:37

You are teaching your DD this is how husbands treat their wives. Just like you learnt from your parents.

In 25 years time do you want her in a relationship with a man who is violent, aggressive and scares her DC.

Contunuing the cycle.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 12:38

@liamhemsworthsrealwife it is something I will look into and see what money I can afford to put away each week/month

I don't feel strong enough to pack my bags today, but one day I will, and I won't look back, like my mum did, though I really hope I find the strength before she did

OP posts:

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 12:40

To be honest, all I want to do today is curl into a ball and cry. I miss my mum so much that it hurts. As soon as I could, I always made sure that she knew how much she meant to me

Thats all I wanted. Was to be shown a bit of love today

OP posts:

RevealTheLegend · 31/03/2019 12:45

In the Long run, he has done you a favour.

Soon, not today, but soon, you will realise that you are worthy so, so much more than this.

And you will find the strength to leave. And it will be glorious.

spongedog · 31/03/2019 12:46

You dont have to worry about not being wanted by someone else. Just please concentrate on you. So today you have some time to love yourself - make a nice drink, go in the garden, have a nice bath, watch your favourite TV show. Just enjoy the moment.

I realised that it was time for my ex to go when I had spittle on my face after he lost his temper again. That was my boundary of unacceptable behaviour. Yes it has been very difficult but I have rebuilt my own life with my family. We are much happier without the Shadow around all the time.

Jon65 · 31/03/2019 12:50

Have you considered reciprocity? I don't bother anymore for people who don't make an effort for me.

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 31/03/2019 12:58

She's not teaching her dd that this is how men behave, he bloody is! It is your job absolutely to protect her op, but you didn't cause this and it's not your fault.

Men who do this shit will go on and act normal for a while and you'll find yourself wondering if it's really that bad. Keep coming back here and reading this thread ok.

PicsInRed · 31/03/2019 13:05

You say he has not reacted like this before.
That's because he has escalated the violence.
Next time he may well punch YOU, rather than the cushion next to your face, then you will be saying

"He's never reacted like this before"

Then he might strangle you a little...and you'll say

"He's never reacted like this before"

People never do things until the first time they've done a thing. That's how event and time progression works. And when you've done a thing, you've done it. He punched the cushion next to your face which was a proxy for you face. He was telling you "I want to punch you in the face and I could have done it, right then".

You mention always visiting his family. What are they like? Is his father controlling of his mother? And the grandparents? These things dont come out of a vacuum and my suspicion would be that you are also being groomed, gaslighted and subtly abused by his family to stay in your place and accept the treatment being dealt out to you by their son.

PicsInRed · 31/03/2019 13:07

Also, it's no coincidence that you're surrounded by his family - who you spent significant time with - and are far from yours.

That is precisely by your partner's design.

stacktherocks · 31/03/2019 13:08

Jesus.

Think of your child OP, not yourself. If you think it’s even halfway acceptable to stay with a man who behaves like this while your small child is in the house then I fear for your daughters safety as clearly the adults who are supposed to protect her aren’t.

It’s not all about you. Your husband does this and you’re complaining you didn’t get a mother’s day card? Where are your priorities?

Oh, but it’s okay, he hasn’t done it before, and of course you wouldn’t leave unless you had someone to go to, you couldn’t possibly entertain the idea of being single even if it means getting your daughter out of this environment.

I have every sympathy for victims of abuse. But I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. If you can honestly experience what happened today and choose to stay with him instead of protecting your daughter I feel desperately sorry for her. She deserves parents who will put her safety and well-being first. And your categorical ‘I’m not leaving him’ says loud and clear you’re putting her needs last.

Hope you come back to this in a week with fresh eyes and see what you’re doing. Your poor child. Losing a parent is tough. I’ve been through it. It’s not a valid justification for keeping your child in a home with a monster like that because it’s too frightening or stressful to leave.

His actions are on him, but as a mother you let him pick your child up and walk out of the house with her after that? Either you don’t care about her or you’re being abused far beyond this one incident to the extent your sense of normality and security has been warped. If it’s the latter surely that’s even more reason to start making steps to leave. If the former... well, I hope someone in your life finds out and takes steps to protect your child.

Women’s Aid are on the other end of the line 24/7 and can help you safely leave. There is no excuse to swallow this down and try keep the peace and carry on as normal after your husband has slammed his fist into the sofa next to your head with your little girl in the next room. None.

category12 · 31/03/2019 13:22

But Pink, there's more to life than some bloke wanting you. Your value as a person doesn't rest in being in a relationship, any relationship, no matter how shitty. (And it's bullshit anyway that no-one else will want you).

But for now, imagine a peaceful life with just you and dd. You could do whatever you wanted, when you wanted.

Being on your own isn't hard or sad - it's far far harder staying with someone who treats you like dirt and whose abuse is escalating.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 13:24

@stacktherocks

Are you kidding me??? You come to that ridiculous conclusion and that I'm more bothered about a card than what had happened today when you couldn't be further from the truth!

Just because I don't feel strong enough to leave today, it doesn't mean that it's not something that I'm looking into now and working out how to put a plan into place!

OP posts:

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 31/03/2019 13:30

Op I tried to copy and paste but it wouldn't let me. Have a look

www.breakthesilencedv.org/beat-that-seven-times-statistic/

Op needs support, not more aggression and nastiness.

OrdinaryGirl · 31/03/2019 13:30

Just a huge hug to you, OP. As others have said - you are being abused and it is NOT your fault.

Not everything has to be fixed today. This situation with the card is hopefully a catalyst to a dawning realisation that you have been systematically ground down, dismissed, undermined, upset and disrespected for a lot longer than today.

It is worth starting to open your mind to the possibility that perhaps things have been worse than you have been prepared to admit to yourself. Just as a starting point.

Please do have a look at Women's Aid's website, and (safely) google 'Am I in an abusive relationship?' when you have the opportunity.

We are here for you. You are not alone in this. There are brave, brilliant women JUST LIKE YOU who have been through exactly the same situations and come out the other side. This is NOT your fault. It's okay to take some time to allow everything to filter through. Keep talking on here, and talk to someone in real life too.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 13:35

thank you @liamhemsworthsrealwife

Ive bookmarked the link on my phone (I have face recognition on, so he won't be able to access it) to read this afternoon, he'll be due home soon to get changed and collect his bag for work

OP posts:

rosinavera · 31/03/2019 13:49

@warriorprincessandwidowed Did you not read that OP made sure that her husband was calm before he took DD to his parents and that DD was excited to be going??!! If you have nothing positive to say then perhaps it would be best not to say anything at all!

OP I have no better advice to give than you're already getting but I'd like to give you a big cyber hug! x

Amongstthetallgrass · 31/03/2019 13:52

I’d be telling him to go and stay at his mums you till you decide what to do

rosinavera · 31/03/2019 13:52

@stacktherocks How about not trying to guilt trip OP? She has said this is the first time anything like this has happened and DD wasn't in the room! She needs to time to process what has happened!

tinyvulture · 31/03/2019 13:58

None of this is your fault. You have done nothing wrong. He is a bad and controlling man, and it will take time and strength and courage for you to leave him, but I really hope you do in time. Lots of women do, tho it seems insurmountable at the time, and our lives are SO much better for it. But it takes time. In the mean time, look after yourself. You sound like a lovely person. X

bsc · 31/03/2019 14:03

What were his parents' reactions after he stormed out? [shocked]
Surely they'd help you?

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 31/03/2019 14:05

@bsc this happened at our home so his parents haven't got a clue that this has gone on

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2019 14:14

I would think that sadly one or even worse both his parents are very much like their son. They are the ones who created this monster of a man that OP is currently shackled to.

You have actually taken a first important step out today Pink by writing about what happened. You did not have to write here but something made you do so; focus on that something and let it grow within you.

It is hard to leave and fear of him, a perceived lack of funds and fear of the unknown for three of many reasons keep women and men for that matter with their abusers for, in some cases, years. I am certain that your late mother would be horrified at the ways you and in turn her granddaughter are being treated now. Do not make the same mistakes as she made with you; you are not her but the cycle of abuse has gone down the generations here with your DD being the latest one affected just as you were and still are. It is no real surprise to me that you are with someone like this man now because this is what you learnt.

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