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Original poster

50 and he wants a baby. Midlife crisis?

70 replies

CalamityAndChaos · 30/03/2019 13:48

I’m just wondering if anyone has found their do wanting a baby as they realise they have passed the mid-century mark? If so did it pass?

For context this has been a short but happy relationship. Just a few months in but I’m mid forties and he has just turned 50 a few weeks ago.
I know that I don’t want and probably couldn’t have another dc. This really seems to be consuming him at the moment. He thinks about it constantly, not helped by younger colleagues having babies just now.
He does have one grown up dc but I don’t think he was in a happy relationship with her mother and feels he could do a much better job now. He has a brilliant relationship with his dd though.

I realise that this early in I need to let him go. Otherwise he will come to resent me or leave for someone younger at some point. We are both really sad about this. We are so good together in every other way.

I’m wondering though is this a thing with men of this age? They don’t have the physical restrictions that we do with the menopause and the whole body clock thing but I imagine it could hit pretty hard when you realise that that time has now probably passed for you?

I’m likely to end up with someone in this sort of age group eventually so would really appreciate others opinions or experiences.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 30/03/2019 13:55

Most men who know haven't gone that way, of they already had a child/ten they were happy to leave it at that.

They may not have the menopause but they're more likely to have difficulty impregnating a partner to full term and more likely to produce a pregnancy with abnormalities unfortunately. Perhaps he's blissfully unaware of that, like many men are (aided and abetted by our "total focus on the woman" culture until very recently). There's a reason fertility clinics don't take sperm from donors over 39/40at present.

I honestly think you have a good chance of meeting a partner who is not like this if and when you get into another relationship.

Moralitym1n1 · 30/03/2019 13:56

*most men I know

Original poster
CalamityAndChaos · 30/03/2019 14:03

Thanks Moralitym1n1 just bad luck for me then. You are right I don’t think he has considered any of the implications of his own age but he can’t see past his need to pass on more genes right now.

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/03/2019 14:04

He does have one grown up dc but I don’t think he was in a happy relationship with her mother and feels he could do a much better job now

Is this code for "he was a pretty crap, uninvolved father while his daughter was small, and now realises what he missed out on. He's decided he needs a do-over so he can be the brilliant father his ego tells him he would be, if he hadn't just not been that fussed the first time round "?

Sorry, but this man is fifty. The baby ship has sailed. Yes, he could desperately scout around for a brood mare twenty years his junior, but even then the child is at much, much higher risk of all sorts of conditions.

Boysey45 · 30/03/2019 14:09

Just tell him hes too old, unless he is prepared to pay for someone to have his child then hes got no chance.
I had a friend in his mid 50s who wanted a family, over here younger women didn't want to know so he went abroad and got a thai woman to have his kids. He had to marry her though.

Parky04 · 30/03/2019 14:10

I'm close to 50 and I have absolutely no urge to have another child. I have just got my life back!

Original poster
CalamityAndChaos · 30/03/2019 14:10

I agree with you @finewordsforaporcupine I think the ship has well and truly sailed too.

It wouldn’t be fair to say he was an uninvolved father though. He was the main care giver for a long time and always involved with his dd.

He wants to stay with me and see if this desire passes as he comes to terms with his age but I’m not prepared to hang around while he works this out. I would just be setting myself up for more hurt down the road.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalamityAndChaos · 30/03/2019 14:12

That’s how I feel @Boysey45 !

OP posts:
Original poster
CalamityAndChaos · 30/03/2019 14:15

Sorry I meant @Parky04

OP posts:
Barbarafromblackpool · 30/03/2019 14:18

i think a 50 year old man wanting a baby is quite rare tbh.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/03/2019 14:22

It wouldn’t be fair to say he was an uninvolved father though. He was the main care giver for a long time and always involved with his dd

In that case, I apologise for my assumption :)

He wants to stay with me and see if this desire passes as he comes to terms with his age but I’m not prepared to hang around while he works this out. I would just be setting myself up for more hurt down the road

I think you're right. Screw hanging around, holding his hand whether he agonises about whether to dump you for a last shot at "propagating his genes". Can he bring himself to "settle" for just you and a barren future?? Don't hang around to find out.

drowningincustard · 30/03/2019 14:23

Gosh he really is supremely selfish and egotistical isn't he?
I actually have a father who was over 50 when I was born but the circumstances are very different - I wasn't created so he could get over previous mistakes.
Where in all of this musing about how he could be a better dad now has he even asked if you want to be a mother and how you feel???
Time to let this one go... I know of quite a few people that are your age and knowing that baby making years have passed, they have accepted it wasn't for them and are living very happy fulfilled lives. I'm sure with time you will find a kinder less selfish person to be with...

Moralitym1n1 · 30/03/2019 14:26

i don’t think he has considered any of the implications of his own age

My sister is currently dealing with the trials and tribulations of a sixteen year old who doesn't want to be in school (in her mid to late 40s) and is knackered, stressed etc. Maybe he'll get a dream child but imagine dealing with at 66 (if he were to have a child right now) .. yes people do but is not easy.

Moralitym1n1 · 30/03/2019 14:27

*people do it but it's not easy

sagradafamiliar · 30/03/2019 14:33

Is it unlikely he'll ever be a grandfather? If not, can't he focus on that?

flapjackfairy · 30/03/2019 14:34

Why is he selfish ? Just because he is the man in this scenario doesn't mean he is a delinquent parent or selfish got with no feelings for anybody else.
Talk about making assumptions and judgements based on one key piece of info. That he is male !
For what it is worth my husband and I have a nearly 5 yr old adopted child and we are mid 50s ! We are enjoying the lttly stage again and have no regrets.
However I accept it is not for everyone and it seems you both want different things so yes time to move on sadly if you don't want to wait around.

teyem · 30/03/2019 14:34

And you're only a few months in? I don't think I could be doing with all the emotional labour.

Nowordsleft · 30/03/2019 14:49

I don’t know anyone of that age who would want a baby. I know a few recent grandparents around 50 and they are all exhausted (working full time, elderly parents, free childcare while their adult children return to work.)

topcat2014 · 30/03/2019 14:52

Well, I will be 48 this year and we are approved adopters - albeit we are looking for a child of 3-5.

Not ready for pipe and slippers yet..

(and adopters cannot smoke anyway :))

Original poster
CalamityAndChaos · 30/03/2019 15:22

Congratulations topcat2014 🙂 The thing is though that your child will be just about grown by the time you are 60.
Even if I wanted a child and was young enough I wouldn’t consider having a child with someone that I have known a short time.

So at 50 he needs to find someone suitable, spend a reasonable amount of time getting to know each other then manage to conceive. That puts him into his 70’s by the time said child is of uni age.
He is a hill runner and in good shape for his years. I don’t think he accepts that the chances are that he won’t be this able for ever, even if everything else falls into place.

He isn’t stupid and he is trying to think with his head but he is rather obsessed with the whole thing.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 30/03/2019 15:26

Yeah, mybe.

"I’m likely to end up with someone in this sort of age group^

Youre likely to die in your 70s with someone in their 120s? Ewwww

rvby · 30/03/2019 15:28

Possible there's another younger lady on the scene? Is he possibly gearing up for an angsty its-not-you-its-me chat with you, and then hes free to take up with her and they can go on to have the baby he ostensibly is longing for?

ElspethFlashman · 30/03/2019 15:30

Let this one go. You're already being forced into giving this too much Headspace when we're talking about a fairly recent boyfriend.

You can't (and don't want to) give him what he needs. And that's fair enough, honestly. If he hasn't the balls to call a halt to a fundamentally incompatible relationship, then you have to.

And this is 100% a fundamental incompatibility.

NameChangeNugget · 30/03/2019 15:34

And this is 100% a fundamental incompatibility

Nothing wrong here other than different wants. Deal clincher though.

Sunshineandflipflops · 30/03/2019 15:34

Sound alike this is something he needs to move towards accepting (that he won’t have another baby) or as someone else said, find someone 15-20 years younger than him who wants a baby. Sadly, many men once they hit 40+ seem to go for a younger woman.
I have to say, until very recenrly I would have seen 50 as being quite old (I am 40), however having just started dating a man who is 49 and in VERY good shape then I see it a bit differently but in good shape or not, 50 is 50 and health does start to decline as we get older...it’s part of a natural life cycle and so purposefully bringing a baby I tot he works at that age seems a little selfish to me when he already has a child and by the sounds of it, a lovely girlfriend.

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