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Relationships

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Original poster

50 and he wants a baby. Midlife crisis?

70 replies

CalamityAndChaos · 30/03/2019 13:48

I’m just wondering if anyone has found their do wanting a baby as they realise they have passed the mid-century mark? If so did it pass?

For context this has been a short but happy relationship. Just a few months in but I’m mid forties and he has just turned 50 a few weeks ago.
I know that I don’t want and probably couldn’t have another dc. This really seems to be consuming him at the moment. He thinks about it constantly, not helped by younger colleagues having babies just now.
He does have one grown up dc but I don’t think he was in a happy relationship with her mother and feels he could do a much better job now. He has a brilliant relationship with his dd though.

I realise that this early in I need to let him go. Otherwise he will come to resent me or leave for someone younger at some point. We are both really sad about this. We are so good together in every other way.

I’m wondering though is this a thing with men of this age? They don’t have the physical restrictions that we do with the menopause and the whole body clock thing but I imagine it could hit pretty hard when you realise that that time has now probably passed for you?

I’m likely to end up with someone in this sort of age group eventually so would really appreciate others opinions or experiences.

OP posts:

Hearhere · 01/04/2019 11:29

I don't mean to knock him for exercising, whilst it doesn't guarantee good health and long life it significantly increases your chances
even so if I was a young woman I would be looking for a healthy young man to combine my genes with

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2019 11:30

I'm not sure that is the message, but factually, biologically, men can have children for decades more than women can. There is no way round that biological fact.

AnnaNimmity · 01/04/2019 11:33

oh I'm dating in my late 40s and my last 2 boyfriends (both over 50) have both wanted babies with me! I think even if I was up for it (which I'm not), they're just too old. However fit they think they are, they're not as fit as a younger man, don't have the energy at all or the patience.

And they're probably used to doing things without the encumbrance of children, lack of sleep, finances etc etc.

And as I'm now parenting teens, I can't imagine a man in his late 60s doing that. I just can't imagine them having the patience, or anything in common. And plus it would just be horrible for them having a 67 year old turning up at the school gates (and I'm saying that as an older mum for my youngest child).

It's just vanity I think, and a huge amount of irrationality about how difficult and disruptive it is.

Hearhere · 01/04/2019 11:36

Yes an old man can father child but that doesn't mean he should
have children when you're young and your genetic material is in its prime that way you give them the best shot you can
if you have them when you're old and your genetic material has declined then you're just doing it out of your own vanity and burdening your child with the consequences of that

Singlenotsingle · 01/04/2019 11:38

My father was 30 years older than my dm. He was 58 when I was born and 60 when my dsis arrived. I don't remember him ever doing anything with us. He sat in his chair and watched TV. No convo, no games or outings and we couldn't bring friends home cos he moaned of sent them out to the shop on errands.

Hearhere · 01/04/2019 11:38

You're in your late 40s and your boyfriends in their 50s are keen to have a baby?

Hmm, he wants to get you into maternal nurturing caring mode, so you can transition smoothly from being a carer for your child to being a carer for your partner as he ages

Turquoisesea · 01/04/2019 11:48

Maybe get him to look after someone else’s baby for a week and he will probably change his mind. Also a baby turns into a toddler, a pre schooler, a teenager etc. I’m nearly 50 with a nearly 11 year old and a 14 year old who I love dearly but the thought of being in my sixties and having to deal with stroppy teenagers, no thanks! Maybe he’s not looking that far ahead but babies don’t stay cute babies for long!

Original poster

CalamityAndChaos · 01/04/2019 15:42

Sorry I haven’t been back to the thread for a while. Too many replies to refer to individually but it would seem that the majority agree with me.

I have grown and almost grown dc and I’m really looking forward to the next phase of my life. Would have liked some of it at least to have been with him but time to cut him free.

The main thing I wanted from my op was to know if this is a thing with men of this age group. Do I need to watch for it potentially happening again in the future but thankfully it would seem not.

Thanks for everyone’s perspectives it’s much appreciated.

OP posts:

juneau · 01/04/2019 16:28

I don't think so OP. I've know men who've bought a fancy car or a motorbike or left their DW for a younger women as they approach 50, but most of them are looking for freedom, not to be tied down again. My 49-year-old DH definitely wouldn't want any more DC!

JaneEyre07 · 01/04/2019 16:36

I'm 48 and have 3 adult DC and 4 grandchildren under 6. I absolutely adore them but I'm run ragged by them and in bed by 8pm if I've had them all for the day.

It's no life for a child to have a parent of my age.

I'd let him go, OP, and let him find another broodmare for his madness.

flapjackfairy · 01/04/2019 16:43

Speak for yourself! I am 54 with a 5 yr old and I am full of energy. My grown up daughters say I can run rings round them for stamina and we are always out and about doing stuff.
I get about 4 hours sleep a night by the way.
You simply cannot generalise and say it is no life for any child having older parents ,

Hearhere · 01/04/2019 16:48

I've know men who've bought a fancy car or a motorbike or left their DW for a younger women as they approach 50

they are presumably attracted to these things because they make them feel more virile and potent, I think this is also the driving force behind the desire to have a baby, he's not considering the loss of freedom aspect because he doesnt expect to be the one left holding the baby, he wants to impregnate and have progeny

Sakura7 · 01/04/2019 16:56

As a child of older parents I totally agree with SandyY2K. Anyone having a child past 50 is doing it for their own selfish reasons, not because it's in the best interests of the child.

OP, unfortunately I think you'll have to let this one go.

juneau · 01/04/2019 17:06

It's one thing to want to feel virile and potent, another to actually want to father a DC. I agree he doesn't expect to be left 'holding the baby', and that just makes him even less of a catch and more of an ass!

BillyBadBreaks · 02/04/2019 22:05

Anyone having a child past 50 is doing it for their own selfish reasons, not because it's in the best interests of the child.

Surely having a child is always for the parents' selfish reasons unless you believe there are spirits floating around thinking "Damn, if only someone would get pergnant so I can be born!"

EL8888 · 02/04/2019 22:23

Something similar happened to a friend of mine, she was in her mid 40’s and he was about 50. She told him to jog on. Especially as he had said no when she suggested it a decade before

SelkieRinnNaMara · 02/04/2019 23:12

Lot of older parents these days but 50 is pushing it. It's a young man's game.

Would he get up at 1 am and 4 am and then not fall back to sleep again! only to do the same thing again the next night?

Agree with others, he'd need to find a woman at least ten years younger which might be easy enough but then she'd need to ALSO want a child and want one with him. HOw quickly could he make this happen? He'd be even older by then! Is he in excellent shape and still attractive with a great personality? If that's the case he can probably achieve his goal in which case I'd say ''of you go, good luck''.

I can't stand when men older than I am make me feel old though.

RightOcciputAnterior · 03/04/2019 10:10

The comparative risks of older fatherhood are actually relatively modest:

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/health-problems-more-common-babies-older-fathers/

My husband is in his mid-40s (I'm in my 30s). We've just had a baby and will shortly start trying to conceive a second. He's incredibly hands-on with our son and does his fair share of night waking now I'm no longer breastfeeding. The advantage of older parenthood for us is that we are well-off enough to have a nice house and to be able to afford private education for our child(ren). I don't think it's helpful to generalise. Each couple has to make the choice that is right for them.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/04/2019 10:47

@BillyBadBreaks

Original poster

CalamityAndChaos · 03/04/2019 19:20

To those becoming parents in their mid forties and later I’m very glad that you are happy with your life choices. I had my children youngish (nice house and they were privately educated, sorry about that @RightOcciputAnterior ) but I wouldn’t judge anyone for their personal choices.

On the other hand he hasn’t even met a willing partner yet and is looking at being mid 50’s before conception. If parents in their mid forties feel that this thread is relevant to them as “older parents” then it confirms to me even more that at potentially 10 years older, he is indeed unusual.

Thanks everyone. I have made the right decision.

OP posts:

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