50 and he wants a baby. Midlife crisis?

[CalamityAndChaos]

I’m just wondering if anyone has found their do wanting a baby as they realise they have passed the mid-century mark? If so did it pass?

For context this has been a short but happy relationship. Just a few months in but I’m mid forties and he has just turned 50 a few weeks ago.
I know that I don’t want and probably couldn’t have another dc. This really seems to be consuming him at the moment. He thinks about it constantly, not helped by younger colleagues having babies just now.
He does have one grown up dc but I don’t think he was in a happy relationship with her mother and feels he could do a much better job now. He has a brilliant relationship with his dd though.

I realise that this early in I need to let him go. Otherwise he will come to resent me or leave for someone younger at some point. We are both really sad about this. We are so good together in every other way.

I’m wondering though is this a thing with men of this age? They don’t have the physical restrictions that we do with the menopause and the whole body clock thing but I imagine it could hit pretty hard when you realise that that time has now probably passed for you?

I’m likely to end up with someone in this sort of age group eventually so would really appreciate others opinions or experiences.

*into the world

My father had three of us in his fifties. Always said we kept him young - he was a demon at badminton, cycled daily etc. Anyway, I’m just trying to say it can be great for some people but if it’s not for you then it’s not. Seems a shame to split over it though, isn’t there any way you could just enjoy each other’s company - after all we never know what’s round the corner with any relationship.

Plenty of men who didn't have great relationships with their children "first time round" when they were younger do feel they could do it better "second time round" and go on to have families they are more present with.

Michael Douglas is an example of this but there are loads of others. Sometimes they really regret being too into their work/job and want to make up for it.

I do agree you need to end this relationship

Sometimes they really regret being too into their work/job and want to make up for it

Yeah, except they aren't "making up for it" to the people who actually suffered - their first family. They're getting a second go with wholly new people.

I'm not saying men shouldn't be allowed to have a second family (how would that even work?) or that people shouldn't strive to be better, but framing it as them making up for past mistakes isn't accurate.

I had ds when I was 45. His dad was 54. The pregnancy was a complete shock and I expected my ex to be horrified but he was thrilled.

So some men are happy with it.

I don’t necessarily think that bringing a child into the world in your 50’s is neccessarily a bad thing if you are healthy, active and financially secure enough. Not something I would want to risk but not my place to judge someone else’s choices. I just wish he had told me before we got so close and/or that I could know that he could work through it and we could eventually be happy. I would always be wondering though so game over.

@rvby this has crossed my mind too. Perhaps there is a particular someone he hopes he can —persuade— woo.

My friend (36) is about to marry someone aged 49 and they're hoping to have a child. But he was a slightly older dad the first time round anyway, as both his kids from previous marriage are still under 10. He's still therefore very much in the thick of parenting, so it wouldn't be quite the shock to the system that it would be for your partner. He's also very fit and has a young outlook.

So there are probably women out there for your partner, late 30s etc. who he could still have that relationship and a child with. But in your position I probably wouldn't want to wait around while he decides what he wants.

Yeah I agree with the others - very rare for a 50 year old man to want more kids, especially if he already has some. It's more common for 50+ yr old men to be pressurized or "tricked" into having a baby by their much younger partners who are either very broody or don't have any children. Much less common this way around.

He wants to look like a grandad then. He'll be 61 when the child is 10...

A 20 year old with a 70+ year old as a pensioner dad.

It's not fair on the child IMO.

Even if he's going to seek a relationship with a younger woman of childbearing age...unless he's got a lot going for him... (like being very wealthy), a mid thirties woman won't find him to be a catch.

He's not really thought this through.

Sandy2k, that’s pretty ageist you know. Why is it not possible for someone who is presumably financially stable to simply want a child?
And pretty shallow to worry about what other people think or how it looks

There are plenty of older dads around. It’s not for everyone especially if he already has children but if he’s happy with the situation and is a hands-on dad, it needn’t impact on the child at all.

He probably thinks YOU want a child and he’s doing you a favour.

Most mid 40s single childless women would be desperate to meet a guy willing to go for it quickly. He’s assuming you want kids. You need to tell him you don’t!

You are both about 10 years too old.

It's alright for wealthy old men to be dads, think Jagger, Ronnie Wood, Michael Douglas, Rod Stewart; they can afford nannies and all the other comforts of life that make parenting easy. But your ordinary man will have to carry on working into old age to afford it. If dp's 50, his child would be 17 when he's 67 (and about to go to university at £9k year).

Then there's all the time, effort, sleepless nights etc. Has he thought of this? It sounds though he's just swept away by the "romantic" idea of being a Dad again. Best not get too deeply involved with this one OP!

@SandyY2K not necessarily. You must come from a background of really unhealthy older people.

I know lots of men aged 45+ with teens/adult children who’d detest the idea of more children. So, I think that what he wants is unusual.

However, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it.

You’re just incompatible.

It’s a shame but if he’s resolute you need to cut your losses.

He's having trouble accepting his mortality, that's what's going on. You say he's 50. It's a milestone. Obviously for him he's a hill runner think you said - he prides himself on his 'youth'.
Unfortunately, he would be using any baby to prove his youth and immortality to himself. If he had a new baby tomorrow, I guarantee he'd still go for his hill runs whenever he wanted, and someone else would be scraping shit off the baby's arse.
He's in love with the idea of a baby, not an actual baby. If he can't shake off this idea, then that in itself is another issue...getting unrealistic ideas into his head and then having to pursue them relentlessly to the detriment of his relationships.

@Seniorschoolmum

Wanting something doesn't always mean it's the right choice though.... especially for the child.

@ScreamScreamIceCream

Your assumption is incorrect.

People decline with age...that's not conjecture. I wouldn't like to be generations away from my children and be so out of touch with their world.

Parenting is already challenging, without being such an old parent. Although 50 isn't the oldest I've come across to be fair.

I remember going to university open days with my DD and I think about having a child at 50+... that would mean traipsing around at the age of 69+ for this man.

I don't think people look beyond the here and now. Okay 50 may not seem so old... but look forward and picture yourself with a toddler at 53/54. A teenager in your 60s.

There's a reason fertility declines with age for both genders. There is an increased risk of abnormalities with older parents too.

If he didn't have any children, then I could understand his desire to be a dad a bit more, but I personally would rather not look like my child's grandmother.... I've seen enough kids embarrassed by having elderly parents.

The likes of Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart don't have to do night waking with a baby... they don't have the stress of the daily grind and it's not impacting on their bodies.

Of course it's entirely his choice....but from your response OP, it looks like he will need to find a younger woman.
I'd actually question his common sense and understanding of biology....as doesn't appear to think both your ages might be an issue in conceiving.

Has he thought of childcare costs? Or anything at all beyond "I want a baby"

I know men who have suddenly decided they want one more years after their last was born (either still in the same relationship or in a different one) having previously declared they were done. They’ve been slightly younger though (from my ‘sample’ 35-45). I think it’s rarer for men than for women to suddenly decide they want “just one more” but not wholly unusual.

All that being said, if you don’t want another & he is dead set on it it’s either then end of the relationship or something he’s just going to have to live with not happening.

I also think this is very rare op, I'm sorry. Very few people, Male or female, wish another baby at 50.

Is he really saying he wants a relationship with a much younger woman? Because in reality that's likely what it requires.

Maybe he thinks a younger partner and a baby will make him appear youthful.

Quite frankly I'd end it.

@topcat2014 Don’t want to derail the thread, but I didn’t realise it was possible to adopt in your late forties, so thank you for that piece of information!

@SandyY2K I'm an older parent who is a child of older parents who has siblings of both sexes who are older parents and have friends who are older parents. I also have siblings and friends who were just younger parents. Also I have a sibling - otherwise I wouldn't be here - and friends who lost one or both their young parents as babies and young children.

Oh and no-one said my mum was my gran though they were confused by one of my eldest brothers' and my dad. Probably helped by the fact my parents went grey late.

My parents both actually spent more time hands on parenting me than my older siblings as a young child. Lots of men are actually hands on with their younger children unlike their older ones as they aren't career ladder climbing.

In short your world view is not a lived experience while mine is.

I remember going to university open days with my DD and I think about having a child at 50+... that would mean traipsing around at the age of 69+ for this man

My daughters uni housemates father was in his mid seventies, if I'm brutally honest, I did find it a bit surprising when I met him, I found him to be a different generation to me, never mind his child, and as much as he was trying, he clearly wasn't as physically capable as I was, so ended up sort of sitting and watching whilst we (me and the kids) did a lot of the heavy lifting and mucking in on moving day , conversation was polite, and in a respect your elders way, rather than the norm of parents all mucking in with the kids.

It was his second marriage and second family, and he was a much loved parent, but there was no doubt he was very elderly in comparison to the other parents in their forties.

if I was a young woman and I wanted to have a baby I wouldn't waste my fertility and my youthful eggs by combining them with old man sperm

I'd be looking for a younger man with vigorous healthy sperm
I might consider shagging an older man if he was really hot and fit looking but I wouldn't want to have his babies

@Hearhere

I love your honesty.

if I was a young woman and I wanted to have a baby I wouldn't waste my fertility and my youthful eggs by combining them with old man sperm

@ScreamScreamIceCream

Old age is old age, no matter how you spin it. Whether one goes grey early or late you can't get away from it.

Age is more than grey hairs.

If the norm was having kids at an older age in your family, then I can see why you think as you do.

This situation has 'mid-life crisis' written all over it OP and no, in your situation I wouldn't hang around while he decides if a childless future with you will do, or whether he really does need to ahead and multiply ... again. He sounds immature tbh and like he'd benefit from going and chatting with a therapist.

As for he's a hill runner and in good shape for his years, I'm afraid that's irrelevant. Hill runners have heart attacks, get cancer and drop dead just the same as overweight TV-watchers do. My hill-walking, cycling, fell-running, recently-retired doctor uncle got dementia in his late 60s and was dead two years later not knowing who his wife of 40-odd years and his two DSs were. My DM's super-fit friend has had to have a quadruple heart-bypass due to familial angina - looking good and keeping fit is no guarantee of a long life - unfortunately. Your DP would do well to grow up, however young he looks and thinks he is.

I get so sick of this message that women are past their sell-by date by 35 or whatever but men can go on having healthy babies so long as they still have a beating heart, as if men are god-like but women are throw away

It's bullshit, peter pan is deluded