About to buy house but not getting on

[Norashdecisions]

First time poster here. My husband and I are close to buying a house together but we have horrible arguments. Our arguments often involve one of us threatening to leave. I'm awake at 1:40am and we are in separate rooms. I've a knot of anxiety in my chest. Another fight tonight. Yet last night we were cuddled up together. It's so 'up and down'. I'm so confused. Im seeing a counsellor and we tried couples therapy in the past. I feel scared. Any advice or past experience like this welcome.

It doesn't sound like an ideal time to be buying a house together. When did the problems in your relationship start?

When you say you are close to buying a house together, are you already going through the legal process of house buying? It could be the stress of it but I'd be cautious of buying a house right now if you think your relationship is heading for the end.

How long have you been married? What is your time line for buying a house?

How frequent are your arguments?

The bottom line is usually when you are at the point of arguing and threatening to leave frequently, there is not much left to fight for. Are the fights about important things ie whether to have children or not? Or petty things, who cleaned the bathroom last?

I think you're absolutely right to have concerns. Has your relationship always been this way?

You can't keep going on like this.

Thanks for your replies. I have to get up early for work tomorrow and it really helps to see someone out there.

I won't get in to the boring details but in short, we have to buy the house we live in, in the next few months or else move out. We really can't afford to move out as rental prices where we live are astronomical.

Tonight's fight was over cleaning! We have had plenty of fights about the big stuff but that's been more settled lately.

A good friend of mine & my family say we seem great together and are well matched. How can that be? I am beyond stressed.

If I buy a house with him, it complicates everything if it doesn't work out.

If I don't buy the house, I do not know what to do and where to live.

Can either of you buy the house on your own? Who cares what others say! They are not living in your relationship? You are. They see the outside version, not the day to day reality.

Do you see yourself having the same fight a year from now, 5-10 years from now?

Quite possibly ... I don't see how it'll magically change.

Neither of us can afford to buy the house alone and since we are married, it'd be a joint asset regardless.

If I had the means, I probably would have left by now...

Then it’s simple, don’t buy the house, move out alone and experience life

Do you have children?

Moving out alone really isn't as easy as it sounds. Rents are waaay beyond my price range for single occupancy...I just cannot imagine moving in to a house share at this stage. My 35 year old friend was refused a room in a house because they said she 'wasn't a suitable age.' I just can't go back to house sharing at this stage of my life. I feel under immense pressure. If we didn't have to buy this house, we could take our time sorting out our problems.

So you are pretending to love him in the hope of getting a house?

Good God no! You have it all wrong. I actually earn more than him! I cannot afford to move out. Please please Please don't post unless trying to be helpful. I'm stressed enough as is.

I feel under immense pressure. If we didn't have to buy this house, we could take our time sorting out our problems.

It sounds to me like the stress and pressure you are under is making the relationship difficult. Do you think it will settle down once you aren't worrying about all the stuff you have got going on?

Don't under estimate the stress of buying a house.
But it will be worth.
Worse case if you split up - you sell the house.
Otherwise you have secure affordable base.
Just relax - I have bought 3 houses with dh and have felt similar.

“Worst case if you split up - you sell the house...”

Right. So depending on when you split up, which sounds like something more likely to be sooner than later, you’ll be exposing yourself to a lot of financial risk.

You’ll have spent fees on solicitors and searches to buy and you’ll spend more of the same, plus agency fees, to get shot of it. Your house is unlikely to gain much equity in the short term and, depending on where Brexit ends up, we may see values stagnate or drop. Housing in this country is a bubble waiting to burst.

Add to all that the additional emotional stresses of sorting the property out during a divorce and the difficulty in accessing money for a deposit on a rental until it’s sold... I think you’d be insanse to buy a place together.

The only “unless” is if you are getting a substantial ex-council / ex-social house discount, in which case I’d suggest you discuss it first and agree rules, in advance, on living as flat mates if you separate whilst living there. If I remember it correctly, there’s a minimum period on right to buy of how long you have to wait before selling on so check that out as well.

Buying a house is right near the top of most stressful situations in your life.
Things should settle once the house has settled.

Is it the stress of your current situation causing arguments?
Do you both love each other and have an otherwise good relationship?
Is it possible one or both of you is having a wobble over the big step of buying a house.

It's not a black and white thing that can be answered easily. Only you know your relationship, whether this is a blip or it's run it's course. The answer to that is key to what you should do. I know you're in a difficult position and I've been there myself. But there's always options, don't be cornered into a decision that's wrong.

House sharing at 35 might seem scary or not befitting your age, but the alternative of buying a house with someone where the relationship might break down badly would be much worse and significantly costlier.

I was once In a similar situation (albeit a long time ago) and hated the idea of a house share. The reality of it however was actually exactly what I needed, looking back - though at the time it felt like a huge step back.

Not only did I have the relief of leaving a bad relationship - the people I moved in with provided a ready-made social life at a time when I felt alone and without close friends nearby.

I cant speak for your particular situation of course, but dont let the fear of the unknown force you into a potentially binding, and even more financially damaging situation.

If you 'lock yourself in' now, and it turns sour - then removing yourself after the fact will be significantly more difficult.

Can't you just consider it as an investment? You carry on living there and hopefully the mortgage will be less than renting. If you split up, one leaves and the other one could get a lodger in to make up the mortgage payments.

I'd have a sit down and good think about your life in general and what you want out of it. It seems like circumstances are driving this and not desire.

Write it all out, and then write a load of options, even really "out there" ones. Have you thought about moving out of the area you're in, changing jobs, going in together with your mate who couldn't get a house share, chucking it all in and going backpacking for a year? Just throw some ideas around, big small and random, and think about this as an opportunity to make a change.

It sounds like you would end the relationship if it wasn't for the housing/financial problem. So I definitely wouldn't go ahead with buying the property. It's not as simple as selling up later if the marriage doesn't work out, if he's awkward or whatnot if could drag out for years.

Things aren't black and white in any relationship, dh is somewhere in my house snoring (can hear him) after getting drunk, another day he's planning expensive holidays with me, but things aren't good. I would suggest delaying the house decision for a month or so, and try and sit down and discuss your concerns, give him the opportunity to raise grievances and say that either of you want out now is the time, once you get the house you are committing further.

None of us really can say what is best but frank conversations help. I'm pig stubborn and am trying to keep things together but I wonder ...

IME a mortgage and a property that may not sell ties you together more than marriage does. If you are likely to split up anyway then you are just delaying the inevitable need to work out alternate living arrangements. If you really can’t afford to support yourself in terms of housing then, as hard as it seems, you may need to look at relocating to a more affordable area. Please don’t stay if you aren’t happy. You say you would have gone already if you had the means. Even if you feel like you can’t afford this now, it will be so much harder if you are responsible for a mortgage or even children further down the line. Sounds a very pressurised situation, I hope you can work it out x

All the arguements you have, what are they about?

Do you still love each other?

Thanks for the replies. I've read everything carefully.

I'm just very confused and I don't have the time to wait for the right answer ...

Our fight last night was horrible. Basically I was asleep on the couch and asked him to get me a glass of water. He started giving out saying he needed to go to the loo etc. He gave it to me grudgingly. I then got upset that I wait on him hand and foot, cook all meals, make him tea when he comes home etc and he can't get me a pathetic glass of water. Then he started giving out about all the cleaning he does and it spiralled out from there until we were in separate rooms ...

Our marriage has been stressful because we've had this housing decision hanging over us. He's attached to this house so if we split, he won't want to sell.

I will talk to him when I can and highlight, as someone wrote, that now is the time to split if at all. He'll no doubt say he's sorry etc at that point. That's usually how this roles ...

My dh got so stressed buying our last house I had ti ring him at work every day to calm him down lol

He's usually such a strong person.

I on the other hand was totally calm and focused.

Don't under estimate the stress of all this on him.

Women really are the stronger sex.

Good luck.