About to buy house but not getting on

[Norashdecisions]

First time poster here. My husband and I are close to buying a house together but we have horrible arguments. Our arguments often involve one of us threatening to leave. I'm awake at 1:40am and we are in separate rooms. I've a knot of anxiety in my chest. Another fight tonight. Yet last night we were cuddled up together. It's so 'up and down'. I'm so confused. Im seeing a counsellor and we tried couples therapy in the past. I feel scared. Any advice or past experience like this welcome.

Arguing isn't the issue but how you argue as it seems destructive.

You got upset because you feel unappreciated (big lesson, don't look after him too much especially if you expect to be reciprocated). He retaliated as didn't want to feel unappreciated.

It may be that you need to learn to raise issues at calmer times, not late on an evening and when you are both likely to he tired.
Re the house, this is a financial decision, what would happen financially if you had to divorce is 18months? Is the house a wise investment?

However I was with a toxic Ex and out arguments always had a massive impact o me. Ex was not a nice person and never helped anyone out unless it had a benefit to him. If is draining living with this and it can literally make you ill.

Is this a good relationship for you tho? You wait on him and he grudges you a glass of water etc.

You sound very passive when you say you'll "highlight, as someone wrote, that now is the time to split if at all. He'll no doubt say he's sorry etc at that point." So it's on him? If he wants to carry on in this pattern, you just will, even though you're not particularly happy and nothing changes.

Why are you running around, waiting on him? Tbh, I wouldn't dream of asking dp to fetch me anything (and we have a very good relationship). Whoever wants something gets it, and asks the other if they want one. It's usually a cup of tea, and we take turns.

Do not buy the house.

How were you before this housing issue arose? I think that's the killer question. Are you arguing because of the current stress, or are you arguing because you don't get on.

If you have no children then leaving is tough but doable.
You said if you could afford it you'd leave.If you buy this house then leaving is harder and more costly.
You presumably have money in savings for your deposit so have your upfront money for moving.You should be looking for places not being defeatist as a friend couldn't have somewhere she wanted.
But unless you want lots more arguements you have to do something about it.

Thanks for the input. I know it seems odd to argue over a glass of water but it's just the fact that he never ever asks me if I'd like a cup of tea or a glass of water, something I do daily. I don't do it out of martyrdom, just because it's nice. I'd be the same with a housemate and I've had housemates in the past who were more attentive that H is! I rarely ask him to fetch things for me but I was passed out exhausted on the couch (I've been working very long hours lately and he was off work all day yesterday); so I feel it wouldn't have killed him to just be nice. I know people talk of the different 'love languages' and it's like we 'speak' totally different ones. There are no gestures like that with him and he seems to remember in great detail every little thing he does/buys but forgets quickly what I do/buy.

I know I'm in a particularly negative emotional state right now as we fought last night so I'm probably painting a bad picture.

I just don't know what to do. Leaving would be so so difficult and that's not to be underestimated but living with him is stressful. I think our relationship has always been up and down but it's been worse this past year with all the big decisions that need to be made. I just wish there was some clarity. I read that book 'Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay,' and even after that I wasn't sure what to do. When people leave marriages. are they ever certain?

It's interesting that your reasons for not leaving are all practical. There's nothing about how much you love him, or how you would hate to live without him, you would miss him etc.
Think about that. What would you advise a friend who was talking like this?

Was the counselling before the house ultimatum arose? How did it got?

You say you would have left if you had the means.

Could you flat share with your 35 yo friend?

The whole thing does sound incredibly stressful.

In truth if the house purchase feels like an ultimatum rather than a fantastic opportunity for you and DH to buy a home together, you need to walk.

And focus your emotional energy on ‘how’.

Maybe see a financial advisor. Explore shared ownership, would it be inconceivable to move to a more affordable area of the country?

Buying a house is not a panacea for a relationship that needs more glue. Do not buy yourself into a trap.

The counselling was a couple of years ago. Then we went again to one session with a different therapist but for a variety of reasons, it didn't help and it's not the answer for us.

I can't move in with my 35 year old friend unfortunately. She left the country to live with her mother abroad. Living the dream, eh?

Well, I do like being married in many ways: going for dinner, walking the dogs together, chatting with someone about my day. It's certainly not all bad but god, it's so stressful too. What bothered me today when I told him how I was awake last night googling marriage-related articles, he laughed. He thinks big blow-ups followed by just laughing it off the next day is normal...meanwhile, each blow-up wares me down a little more and makes me a little more worried about the feasibility of being together.

The rental situation in any radius of where I live and work really is tough going. If I start renting now, I may never be able to afford a house because all of my disposal income will go on rent. I've looked it up and you wouldn't believe the sh**holes out there that people are looking for massive money for.

Thanks so much for your answers. In some ways, it does feel a trap. I can't believe this is my marriage I'm talking about! Maybe seeing a financial advisor would be no harm. I've also thought of getting a separation agreement drawn up, let H somehow buy the house himself and I can pay him rent and live as flatmates until I find a place to live...

Knowledge is power: it never does any harm.

Just an observation, but everything you say contraindicates being even more committed to this man.

Your words, what you're saying, I mean.

I just think you are scared to believe what you already know.

It sounds also horribly parallel to abusive cycles, of raging followed by denial of issuee and hoovering back up.

It's really not normal to have a massive blow up and then ignore it ever happened or refuse to sort things out, not the way of a good relationship.

I agree...I always feel issues should be aired and spoken about but I'm worn out from having to be the 'bad guy' (i.e.) the one who always brings it up. Our relationship is unusual, in that we could easily have a perfectly normal evening this evening and just act like nothing happened.

As for the abusive cycle, that's kind of a scary thought...H is a pretty decent, nice man in many ways but I really feel like I'm in too deep to the wrong marriage. I don't know if I have the strength to start my life all over again. I also feel like I have to give this my best shot because I said vows and got married, which is a pretty big deal. I don't want to be glib about something so huge.

All the while this cycle happens, you, and your feelings and thoughts, are being actively shut out by him.

I would work to change that and refuse to accept that yet another massive row is buried deep. It's not a normal way to go on and surely this isn't how you want to continue?
There are reasons for these blow-ups that's he's running from and denying you any understanding or closure on.

Oops..posted too soon.

Meant to say ....that's not a 'partnership', even if you want to call it such,its not a 'marriage' of minds and feelings. It's him controlling.

I would recommend the emotional abusive marriage by Patricia Evan's. Very useful and you can start to see where the arguments become so destruction. It also explains how some people aren't seeking a mutually reciprocal marriage. Their needs will always dominate. Your update reflects he is more of this type of person and he won't change. My guess is he had a difficult childhood.

Is he nice when he is getting what he wants or when image is important to him? A lightbulb moment for me was that Ex was nice only when he wanted to be, not when I needed it. It came down to the ability to love someone, which I believe he doesn't have.

I would be cautious with finances within someone like this- ex's mask dropped completely once I was trapped. If you are the high earner then don't give away more than you can afford.

Yikes I can't believe emotional abuse is being suggested. I do need to clarify that I don't think he's emotionally abusing me. We do have an odd dynamic, in that his way of dealing with emotions is to ignore them. So, I guess he has an avoidant attachment style which doesn't blend well with me as I can be anxious.

We have separate finances (both our choice) right now despite being married. So, getting a house would involve marrying our finances which in itself would be a big step.

All I'm looking for is more kindness and consideration. Not sure if I can handle banging my head against a brick wall looking for it for the rest of my life. I guess lots of people just accept things as they are, which I can't seem to do.

I'm just very worried about buying a house when we're not stable in our relationship. H ain't one bit worried! After our big argument last night, the first thing he mentions today is the house and what we should do to it once we buy it!

I can't move in with my 35 year old friend unfortunately. She left the country to live with her mother abroad. Living the dream, eh?

Well yeah, she is. Shame there isn't an emoji for "well done, you're a cunt!" but I feel sure your children are egging me on fro the future.

@NotTheFordType

What on earth do you mean by what you've just written? What I meant is that she is now living in a gorgeous part of sunny Spain which is a lot better than paying exorbitant rent living here...!

As I said before, PLEASE don't post here unless you want to be helpful. I'm stressed out enough as it is.

After our big argument last night, the first thing he mentions today is the house and what we should do to it once we buy it!

This isn't normal, really not. I do think there are very worrying elements in your non-partnership.

Is he shutting you down and blaming you for your wish to resolve conflicts? Have normal discussions blocked, this is blocking you and actively hurting your emotions and mind. It's not fair on you, its also totally unreasonable, and means the cycle will continue,as in abuse its not about resolving, that wasn't the point. The poi t was to have you upset,then move on like it never happened. It really is horrible and harmful.

Do you end up in tears and very upset? Does he?

Do not buy a house with him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?.

How long have you know each other and have been married to each other now?.

I also thought of the cycle of abuse when you were describing these arguments.
I also think you are too deep in the wrong marriage and perhaps too you do not want to admit to yourself that your choice of partner was and remains wrong out of embarrassment and shame. BTW any embarrassment you may feel here is misplaced and any shame here is all on him, he has and indeed has treated you shamefully here. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, probably not.

You also seem isolated socially, am I right?.

How helpful has your counsellor actually been here; has this person talked to you about abusive relationships?. What is your own definition of emotional abuse here if not what your H is doing to you.

“I really feel like I'm in too deep to the wrong marriage”

Look at Sunk Costs Fallacy.

Also wrt your comment about being at the wrong stage in your life for going backwards in housing terms.

Your past is never too long and your future is never too short to look for actual happiness and fulfilment.

OP, you say you are the higher earner, I know it is flipping hard, I live in London, but there must be other people on your salary who manage somehow as singles.

Do you have a job that might entitle you to ‘affordable ‘ rentals?

Are you really sure you couldn't buy the house on your own? You're the bigger earner, so have the higher salary multiple to get the mortgage and probably have the higher savings to contribute to the equity. If rents are so high then presumably you are expecting the mortgage payment to be lower.

Your finances must already be interlocked to some extent - who pays the rent, utilities shopping etc.?

Potentially you could take the house on together but if it all goes down the pan, throw him out, buy him out by borrowing more (repayments may still be less than the rent) and take a lodger to cover it.

In the olden days mortgages were based on 3x the larger salary, plus the smaller. So to buy him out you'd be having to borrow his salary, plus his contribution to the equity.

Definitely one for a financial adviser to run the maths for you, if nothing else than to assess the viability of your future without him.