About to buy house but not getting on

[Norashdecisions]

First time poster here. My husband and I are close to buying a house together but we have horrible arguments. Our arguments often involve one of us threatening to leave. I'm awake at 1:40am and we are in separate rooms. I've a knot of anxiety in my chest. Another fight tonight. Yet last night we were cuddled up together. It's so 'up and down'. I'm so confused. Im seeing a counsellor and we tried couples therapy in the past. I feel scared. Any advice or past experience like this welcome.

I would have a serious talk with a financial planner and see if you could buy the house. Why should he get the benefit of a mortgage and equity! And he pay/live with you as a roommate. No reason you should be the one disadvantaged.

Also, maybe head back to a counsellor who is recommended by friends or family or your work employee help people. A good counsellor can make a big difference.

It sounds like you guys need help to respect each other, help divide up the division of both mental and physical work in the marriage, how to fight/argue in a healthy way.

You also need to figure out if you still love him? Is there any hope there? Any chemistry spark, endearing thoughts when he does something nice?

Do you want to fight for your marriage outside of practicalities. Although they are nice, it’s not what will keep you together through the thick in thin.

Buying a house is one of the huge stresses in life... Is all the arguing due to this? Or is typical? Only you know this. Either way, it’s time to tweak your relationship as arguing gets old fast.

ThankS for all of your messages.

I'm not socially isolated but I do live far from family (by choice).

I took advice from here, refused to let last night's argument lie and brought it up again. He said I'm steassed about work and taking it out on him. I explained that I was genuinely upset with him, not work last night.

We both said more & it eventually culminated in me saying I was going to look for a place to live and I want a separation.

I then curled up in a ball and have been bawling crying.

I think I really mean it this time but I don't think I have the strength to follow through on this.

I don't want to buy this house alone. Agreeing to buy it was based on it being a good deal but it suits him much better than me location wise so I'll be looking to rent a good bit away from here.

My heart is pumping. I really feel my marriage is ending.

Just remember that what you are going through is temporary, it will pass and you'll find yourself in a better place than what you are now.
You have probably done the right thing, even though it seems like such a gamble.
Buying a house is a huge undertaking and I wouldn't recommend it unless your relationship is stable and you love the other person. Even then it doesn't always work out.
Bottom line is, do you want to stay in THIS relationship, or give your self a chance of actual happiness with someone else. You are stronger than you think. You will be ok.

I hope you weren't serious when you said you'd buy the house just because he wanted to live in it.

There must be places that are cheaper that would provide good transport to your workplace. If you say whereabouts you work (nearest station) I'm sure lots of people will come on and tell you about good places.

You will live to regret it if you buy a house with him. Imagine a divorce where he wouldn't leave the house but couldn't afford to pay the mortgage? It would be a nightmare.

I would hold off buying at the moment anyway because of Brexit. Think about your workplace and the areas surrounding it. You don't have to stay where you are.

I'm sorry you're going through this but I think most of us can see it would end in disaster if you bought that house with him now.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by focussing on whar you want.
It's going to be tough for a while, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

No rush to buy. Could you postpone while you guys work on the relationship??

Sorry just saw your other messages op x

Thank you so much for these messages. H is really peeved because I guess he thought everything would be swept under the carpet as usual. I can't take that anymore.

As for the house, I was planning to buy it with him because it suits him but also because it's a quick sale as we know the owner. Just less hassle. However, it's not looking good....

Thanks for the wise words. I suppose I have to accept there's going to be a period of things being horrible before life regulates in to a 'new normal.' I don't see how our marriage can work unless he steps up in some way & shows he cares.

Bottom line is, do you want to stay in THIS relationship, or give your self a chance of actual happiness with someone else

This is the million dollar question I can't imagine ever attempting another relationship now. The whole thing just feels too draining!

Forgetting the house for a minute.

Think about yourself in ten years' time after ten more years of the same. He'll stay the same - how will you feel then?

Yeah or he might even get worse.. even with people who start off nice, resentment builds and often people's patience is lower the further the relationship progresses if there had been an initial negativity.

How much stress are you both under?

Sometimes it's helpful to just take a pause on the arguing, take a step back. You really don't need any more worry at the moment. I know that sounds hard to do but if you can break the cycle then you will feel you have more time to think about what you want.

Thanks for all of the advice. After all of that yesterday, we eventually got takeaway and talked about normal things for the evening. It's so volatile, I really don't know what to do.

I'll speak to my therapist and re-read advice written here. I also need to tune in to how I feel and what's best.

To answer the question of how much stress we are both under, I would say quite a lot. I do need to take a step back. We just both have a lot going on at the moment. Thanks.

I was wondering what happened with your situation as I find myself in a similar place.