Partner always jumps to the defence of others

[ElektraLOL]

So like, he was telling me about a customer of his and I know this person and she once made physical threats towards me about a situation I had nothing to do with - she just decided to blame me. I said that this had upset me and he said 'oh no, I was talking to her - she's really nice, you must have misunderstood '. It just completely belittles my feelings and he doesn't even know her.

And he has done this before too. I hate this kind of thing, really hate it. Because my dad does it to my mum and my previous partners, for all their faults would not demonstrate this type of disloyalty. I mean he's supposed to love me.

I know a man like this, it's always his wife's fault no matter what the conversation is.
Someone bumps into her in the street...he tells her to watch where she is going, that sort of thing.

If you have pointed out to him you dont appreciate his disloyalty to you and he still carries on, other than getting rid or ignoring him, I dont know what the answer is.

My dh does this sometimes. It has really caused resentment at times. Especially when he used to do it about our neighbor that used to go out of her way to wind me up. I don’t understand the psychology of putting them first! So I totally understand

I feel like ending the relationship tbh. It's such a deal breaker for me. I feel really upset. Why do people do this?

He enjoys telling you your wrong that’s all. It’s up to you if you carry on taking it

My ex husband was like this. No matter what happened it must have been something I did. One time my two year old ds was sat quietly in his buggy and a woman in front of us stepped back suddenly and nearly sat on him. She turned round and shouted and swore at both of us, me AND my two year old. Ex walked into the shop in time to see her shouting and said to me aggressively “what have you done NOW!” Another time our next door neighbour was rushing out and didn’t stop and chat like she usually did, just in a hurry. He turned and said to me accusingly “she seemed pissed off, what have you said to her?!” It’s one of the things I still burn with rage about years later.

I feel like ending the relationship tbh. It's such a deal breaker for me. I feel really upset. Why do people do this?

Have you told him your dad treated your mum like this and you find it so upsetting it's ruining your relationship with him?
Maybe he needs a wake up call.

My mum dies this. I don't get it

Do his parents do his?

My ex and his sister and brother did it. Absolutely copied from MIL.

My mother does it, too.

It's criticism. Finding fault. Grounded in their own resentment and lack of maturity.

He says he was in a happy mood and he 'wasn't ready to hear' it. It's actually my pet hate in a relationship.

I hate this too. Where is the loyalty?

I think I've experienced this and witnessed it happen to others.

Could it be a method of chipping away at your confidence? A way of putting you down? Keeping you in your place?

...Or could it be that they're so scared of others that it's easier to blame you.

Curious about this too.

I always support those closest to me if someone's wronged them.

Yep. I get where you are coming from.

A car dangerously overtakes and causes me to have to swerve to avoid them when they pull back in = I must have been going too slow.
A friend hasn't been in touch for a while = I must have irritated them.
He breaks something = I shouldn't have left it there.

The list is endless.

Sorry to hear that this is apparently so common 🙈

My mum's husband is like this a lot of the time - not always though. It keeps her on her toes, because she can never be sure he will have her back. They have a terrible, dysfunctional marriage, emotional abuse on both sides, but he is definitely the nastier one to her, especially in public. I wish she had left him years ago.

Honestly OP, I think you are in dealbreaker territory - can you stand this for the rest of your life? Your life partner should be part of your team, cheering you on, not rooting for the opposition.

Another one who'd love to know what this is about. It's crazy making. You know you've been attacked, wronged etc and right in front of their eyes, so you should have an ally right there with you, but instead they will swear black and blue that it was entirely your doing, and throw in some attacks on your sanity for good measure. Gaslighting.

TheNavigator, that's it exactly, such tremendous disloyalty, never having your back.

I think it's called scapegoating. I was one and I'm getting better at calling people out on it.

He's now giving me the silent treatment

Has he got any redeeming features? You sound awfully unhappy.

I once had a similar situation and I said "why do you default to criticise me". He tried to deny it and I say I was too sensitive..it was a joke.

I asked him if he could see me laughing.

I don't like the feeling it gives that someone who's supposed to love you wants to tear you down.

I found that I felt LESS safe out with ex, as I could just reassure myself if something happened when by myself but, if with him, he would invariably criticise me, make anything all my fault, and set my reality on moving sands. Exhausting.