Partner always jumps to the defence of others

[ElektraLOL]

So like, he was telling me about a customer of his and I know this person and she once made physical threats towards me about a situation I had nothing to do with - she just decided to blame me. I said that this had upset me and he said 'oh no, I was talking to her - she's really nice, you must have misunderstood '. It just completely belittles my feelings and he doesn't even know her.

And he has done this before too. I hate this kind of thing, really hate it. Because my dad does it to my mum and my previous partners, for all their faults would not demonstrate this type of disloyalty. I mean he's supposed to love me.

I don't like the feeling it gives that someone who's supposed to love you wants to tear you down

So what are you going to do about it?

Jeez! I hope all these people are exes!

I do this to my sister. I think I’m playing devils advocate. I won’t do it anymore. I wouldn’t say anything in public, I would 100% be on her side regardless in public.

I definitely won’t do it anymore. I’d hate her to feel like I don’t support her.

But then some people pick fights, carry on feuds, exaggerate slights against them, interpret bad motiv

Motives in others - and it’s exhausting.

^ The OP does not sound like an eternal victim

That would be a dumpable offence for me.

The silent treatment would be an even more dumpable offence.

You are clearly miserable. Why are you still with him?

Yes it’s not a comment aimed at OP particularly - but just that I have come across people (men and women) who are always feuding with other people (neighbours, extended family) and then feuding with people who are expected to support them - and it’s endless, petty and exhausting.

I’ve come across this behaviour and now think its just a people pleaser unable to manage conflict and who cannot bear there to be any negative light shed on them. They extend this expectation to those closest to them.
I don’t take it personally anymore preferring to see it as a negative character trait, which is easier to handle.

Gaslighting you AND giving you the silent treatment. OP, both of these are abuse.

@Yossarian22 that does make sense but I guess it's hurtful for me. Even though it might not be personal, I still have to deal with it.

@Dadaist - if it wasn't aimed at me why say it? I actually dislike conflict as well. If someone threatens you then that's not actually a perceived slight is it?

In any case, what I found upsetting about it was that he immediately talked over me and said 'No'.

It's not the first time he does it either. Since I unfortunately find it so triggering because my dad does it to my mum, I don't think I'm
Going to be able to carry on the relationship.

I mean, my other partners did other annoying stuff but for me this is much more of a problem.

Is it actually reason enough to end a relationship though?

You not being happy is reason enough.

More than enough reason! That's a big mountain of reason.

My ex used to agree with me on things in private, but then if we were with a workmate and they said the opposite, he would suddenly switch sides and believe the opposite thing, siding with his workmate and leaving me looking stupid. Just stupid things, like suddenly hating a certain food we'd always eaten and agreeing with his workmate that it was horrible, then the two of them eating something else while I was left with the food I'd made for us, looking as if I was making my husband eat food he hated!

This is "just" a boyfriend? That's the whole point of having boyfriends, that you can try them out before choosing to commit. You don't need to prove that they "need" to be dumped; if you don't like it, don't commit. You're doing both of you a favour.

My mum does this and so did my ex. Example which stands out: I'd been involved in a situation for about 8 years, it regards myself and my DD so I have expert knowledge of it, add in the fact I have a degree which comes in handy in regards to this subject. Whilst talking about it, ex helpfully added, 'of you should talk to someone who knows about this stuff'. It's all about being dismissive. I don't think it happens to men.

Oh*

So it seems that this is a psychological thing?

The last time it happened, I had started a new job and my boss was as nice as pie to begin with and then began to show her true colours and she was a nightmare to work for. His response was don't be negative about her, she does pay you & you should be happy about that 😵😡 I told him off about this at the time.

So you want your partner to say he supports you in your quarrels with various individuals eventhough he believes that you're in the wrong?

Playing devil's advocate is one thing and quite fair enough, but shit like "you're wrong about the woman who threatened you with physical violence because in a different situation and at a different time, she was perfectly pleasant to me" isn't worth putting up with, IMO, esp as you find it particularly triggering.

Elektra

What he does to you is good enough reason to end this relationship. The fact that you are unhappy within it is itself good enough to give this person the boot.

Also silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse and is done out of wanting power and control.

It seems that subconsciously you have chosen a boyfriend (perhaps again) who is just like your dad. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and look carefully at what yours taught you. It can be unlearnt but I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme that is held by Womens Aid. I would also look into counselling to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way.

'So you want your partner to say he supports you in your quarrels with various individuals eventhough he believes that you're in the wrong?'

If he believes I routinely lie about things then he shouldn't be with me should he. How can he reasonably know I'm in the wrong based on a superficial perception of someone he doesn't know?

Today, he has said that he's sorry and he can see how it would have come across. But if it's in his nature to just do this then I don't think he'll change.

Your last sentence is spot on. Such men really do not change and he will repeat this behaviour.

I would give him the boot now if you have not already done so.