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Original poster

Friendship Advice - Is this even a friend?

87 replies

BuzzLightyear1 · 28/03/2019 16:39

I am not great at navigating friendships and have tended to have a small number of long term friends which I appreciate. I nurture this friendships, make time for them, remember special occasions and always try to be available to help them. These friendships are all decades old, which is perhaps testament to be awkwardness as an adult in making friends, but I was happy with this.

When I had son 6 years ago a woman at baby group immediately latched on to me. I knew her life story within a couple of meetings. She started messaging daily and wanting to meet up. As I was pretty lonely at home with ds I went along with it. I was wary of her intensity but at the same time she was on am abusive relationship and I felt sorry for her. She wasn't like anyone I was usually friends with, lots of "hi Hun" and "love you" "you are amazing" blah blah blah, I'm not really like that but otherwise she was quite sweet and our kids became friends as they grew up. We spent alot of time discussing her relationship problems and I tried to be a support as she had noone else, and over time I considered her a friend and cared for her.

18 months ago she finally had enough of the abuse and was able to leave her husband. I let her stay at mine with her son while she sorted out a place and spent hours organising what she was entitled to and helping her find a home and help her get on her feet.

Within weeks she met someone else and moved him in, which while I silently disapproved I didn't say anything much, it's her life.

Since moving him in I hardly see her. I look after her son a few days each school holiday while she works, which is a 6am to 6pm day and exhausting (her son is high functioning autistic and lovely but hard work). But I only seem to see her when she needs childcare and can go for weeks with no contact in between.

When she does message she is still intense, refers to be as her bestie, says she loves me... That sort of thing (which makes me a bit uncomfortable because I never know how to respond). However, I am happy to let the friendship drift, I did come to care for her and was happy to support her when she needed it but as her life moved on I was happy for her. Our boys go to different schools and my ds doesn't ask after his old friend.

A couple of months ago my son was diagnosed with a long term illness which has been very stressful and emotional. I messaged her to tell her and she replied "ah no Hun, always here for you both". I thanked her but then heard nothing more until today. I would have thought she would have enquired how he was before, but to be honest so much has been going on I hadn't really noticed, and life is busy for everyone so....

Today she has messaged "hey Hun, how are you beautiful. Miss you so much, you mean the world to me. Just sorting school hols, can you do..." And a lost of four days she wants me to look after her son over Easter. I feel like since she got out of her old relationship and got on her feet she didn't need my support so didn't keep bothering with me, and now only uses me when she needs childcare, but almost love bombs me to make me feel like I have to comply. I don't know how to reply... I don't really want to provide 4 days of free childcare when I could be doing other stuff and honestly, I feel like I am being used now.

So, help me please! Firstly how to reply, and also to make sense of the friendship. It makes me sad to think I have been used and that the friendship wasn't real, but that's how it feels.

OP posts:
Original poster
BuzzLightyear1 · 29/03/2019 14:16

@Fedupofthisrubbish
Interesting point. She has never had my DS over unless I'm there too and it's a meet up for all of us...
While she was in an abusive relationship I wouldn't have left my son there anyway in case something happened, but she never offered anyway and hasn't in the 18 months since they split.
I would say 90 per cent of the time we met at mine, this would always involve meals and snacks. As I said her ds is lovely but he was hard work and would get every toy out, break things, dictate food served (due to food sensory issues). I never resented this but the posts here are now making me wonder if I'm a mug.

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 29/03/2019 14:23

Jeez, she should be bending over backwards to offer you help and support not trying to manipulate you into saving her money.

I rarely say this but, what a bitch. She is an offence to the very concept of friendship.

Happychappy33 · 29/03/2019 14:25

@buzzlightyear1 you are certainly not a mug. You are a lovely friend that is very giving and supportive. Some people just take advantage of that but much better to be like that. Don’t let her change you or doubt how lovely you are

BumbleBeee69 · 29/03/2019 14:48

You're only a Mug, if you provide free childcare, having been armed with this collective agreement that's she using you. Flowers

LookingforHope · 29/03/2019 14:55

You sound a lovely, caring person OP. And I'm sorry but your "friend" sounds like an utter using bitch. It's easy to text "love you hun" but meaningless if your actions don't back it up. There are people like this in every school playground... I once spent almost a year having a child that my daughter didn't even like every Saturday and taking her to dance because the mum's husband had left and she worked on Saturdays. My other friend had her horrible spoilt daughter 4 nights a week after school. She never reciprocated (not that my DD wanted to go to her house) and she has a new partner now and has not spoken to either of us since they got together Hmm Don't bother giving her any more reasons, she will just try to get round them. Just say no, I am not doing childcare any more. Look after yourself and your lovely DS and I hope he has a good Easter and is well enough to enjoy the holidays with you.

Aubaine · 29/03/2019 15:01

No, not a friend. You’ve been a great friend to her but she hasn’t to you.

I’d reply saying DS says hi back! It would be nice to take the boys out together after Easter once DS is better. Hope you have a great holiday.

LaughingCow99 · 29/03/2019 15:40

Of course you could text back, ‘it’s funny how I only seem to hear from you when you want childcare. Hun.’

This, then block. What a self-centred user.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 29/03/2019 16:12

You aren't obliged to reply to every message that she sends. You've told her you can't do it so just ignore the manipulative messages. If she directly asks you why you aren't replying then tell her that you are overwhelmed with the responsibility of a seriously ill child and his needs come before your social life. You might need to phrase it in hun-speak so she understands "Sorry babes, little one has been so poorly that I have been beside myself. I know you'll understand because you're a mother too. Breaks your heart, doesn't it? (use the broken heart emoji at least 5 times)".

Grumpelstilskin · 29/03/2019 16:38

Don’t think you need to escalate things by blocking her like some people suggest. No need for any drama. Just be as sugar faux sweet back when you refuse further childcare and disengage. I would not answer to the latest photo, as it is emotional blackmail. Don’t fuel her attempts to manipulate you. She obviously is spectacularly unaware and self-centred but you enabled her and she has come to take this completely one-sided friendship for granted. If she keeps trying to push for more free childcare, then you could perhaps post something like “Dear Userfriend, for the past 6 years, I’ve helped and supported you but now it is time for me to focus on own my sick child. I hope you will respect that and perhaps repay some of my kindness to be supportive to me for a change.” Then again, it might just cause stress you don’t need in the moment. So keep declining to provide free childcare and you are likely not to hear from her.

Figgygal · 29/03/2019 16:44

She's a total user she love bombs you to try and hide it

LaughingCow99 · 29/03/2019 17:11

Yes, you should block her and end this farce once and for all.

Original poster
BuzzLightyear1 · 29/03/2019 17:31

She came round after school today, totally unexpected. She waited in the car and got her son to bring a present for my DS to the door, he said it was a get well soon present. I went to follow him back out to the car to say thanks but she sped off, so I messaged her to say thank you and she replied no probs, and that her ds just wanted to do something nice for his bestie.
All that is sweet BUT, my DS has been ill for a few months and we've heard nothing... However perhaps she hadn't told her ds about it??

Also, why not wait and say hello? I was literally feet away from her car? She did say in msg sorry for rushing off we have swimming, which is fair enough, but given they'd stopped by would an extra 2 minutes really have been that difficult?

Am I reading too much into this and should just accept the toy and forget it? My DS was really pleased with the toy and it's not cheap (new buzz lightyear) but I feel a bit weird about it all!

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 29/03/2019 17:35

Hmm My nice side hopes that she is just trying to make up for being a bit shit recently, but my cynical side expects another query about childcare imminently.

It's not really a friendship anymore, is it? Both sides need to get something out of a friendship, she has always got more out of it than you but you did enjoy her company so you got something too. Now you're getting a few meaningless 'supportive' texts and she's getting free childcare that would otherwise cost her a bundle.

1wokeuplikethis · 29/03/2019 17:36

To be honest, from what you’ve said she sounds a bit odd and I don’t think you’ll ever really work her out. For me, that’s automatically an arms length/zero emotional investment friend, but that’s from bad experience.

You sound lovely and you have friends who are there for you, I think? Long term ones you mention? I think you should stop expecting anything much from this certain friendship and definitely knock the childcare on the head. If the friendship fizzles out then that’s how it was always going to be. But it’s not you, it’s her.

Original poster
BuzzLightyear1 · 29/03/2019 17:39

Yeah I have friends, and was happily letting it sizzle until the message last night. Honestly, with everything going on it's not a big deal at all, I just hate to think that either I am a mug or that I have misjudged her somehow...

OP posts:
Original poster
BuzzLightyear1 · 29/03/2019 17:39

*fizzle (autocorrect!)

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 29/03/2019 17:41

She's either a Mumsnetter or (more likely) she's realised you're going to be tougher to crack this time and she really, really wants you to babysit. The money she'd save using you (in every sense) will more than cover the cost of the toy Hmm
It's easier for her to ask again if it's by text instead of face to face so she didn't want to have to hang around and fake interest.
I may be being cynical. Or I may be spot on. Probably both. Don't fall for her tricks.

Mememeplease · 29/03/2019 18:05

If her ds misses his "bestie" and wanted to cheer him up, why didn't they bring the present at a time they could actually see ds.

Sorry this is just trying to butter you up.

CoraPirbright · 29/03/2019 18:17

Agree - she senses that you are reluctant to do the free childcare and this is just more emotional manipulation.

Bookworm4 · 29/03/2019 18:24

The gift is to make you soften to her, 'oh she's so nice, I'll give her 40+ hours free childcare'.

Aubaine · 29/03/2019 18:32

Ridiculous that she didn’t say hello when you came out. She’s probably feeling embarrassed and guilty, but yes main aim is probably to superficially readdress the balance and put something into the friendship so you’re less likely to turn her childcare requests down.

Depending on how severe her DS’s autism is, finding suitable and affordable childcare for him could be really hard, which she will know, so you’re a valuable asset to her.

Say no though, and say that you can’t provide childcare in future. You can always be vague and say it’s due to change in circumstances or stuff you have going on. But say no and make sure she knows you’re talking about beyond Easter too.

Holidayshopping · 29/03/2019 18:39

and she'll see how ds feels nearer the time and hopefully he will be up to her ds coming

Bloody cheek!

Sounds like she has thought that 4 x 12 hours childcare will cost her a bomb and she thinks you should do it!

I can’t believe she’s never had your son over without you. She is a complete piss taker-please realise that.

Thatnovembernight · 29/03/2019 19:20

Just wanted to say I think you’ve handled this really well. Keep up with the message that you’re happy to meet up sometime all together but can’t do childcare while she works.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 29/03/2019 19:24

I’m torn, then I’ve part of me wants to think she’s realised she’s been a bit shit lately and is trying to make up for it

‘Y other side thinks she’s trying to butter you up for Easter

NoShoeShops · 29/03/2019 19:25

I just think she’s trying to guilt you into changing your mind.