Codependency and how to break it - desperate

[DesperadoDan]

I’m a regular reader and poster on mumsnet but have set up a new account for this, it’s a biggie and I’m an emotional wreck.
Brief history of me, I had an emotionally neglectful and controlling mother, anorexia as a teen and early 20’s, it has reared it’s head now and again but I fight it and manage to stay healthy. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 23, been on and off antidepressants since. Currently not taking them but planning to start on Monday.
I have a severely disabled teen DC which is something that I don’t struggle with, I adore them.
Been with DP for 4 years, have lived together on and off during this time, not living together at the moment. He was a dream when I met him, kind, funny, caring and generous. I noticed that he drank a little too much for my liking and found out after a couple of months that he had a daily weed habit (I don’t drink or smoke or dabble in drugs) then found out at a party he uses cocaine socially.
He got very drunk at a social occasion when we had been together about 8 months, his behaviour was shocking (touched another woman on her bum and made crude remarks) I walked out and left him to it, he rang me not long after and went on an absolute torrent of abuse, calling me names and telling me ‘he’s the governor’ and can do as he pleases. He eventually calmed down and I picked him up in my car and took him home with me, as soon as we got through the door he started shouting in my face, it went on for about 30 mins until I was in a ball crying on my bed. The next morning he was incredibly sorry and I forgave him, he was back to being sweet and lovely. He has a complex relationship with his mother, she has been very controlling with him in the past (she hated me from the start and said I was a tarnished penny and her son was too good for me) tarnished because I have been married and have a child. We clicked and bonded over our shitty childhoods. He moved in with me and my DC, he didn’t interact with DC much and said he didn’t want to play daddy, fair enough.
He slowly became more critical about the way I do things and actually showed me one morning how I should make his coffee.
He started drinking more and moaning that he wasn’t happy living with us, he was drunk most evenings and got so short tempered with anything I did I was starting to become nervous about everything.
He was Jekyll and Hyde, so incredibly charming and loving until he felt that I had done something ‘wrong’ he then became angry. He complained that we never had any time alone without DC which isn’t true, DC spends time with his father and my parents, I am lucky and have a good respite system.
He became more and more jealous and paranoid, often accusing me of sleeping with men whilst he was at work.
He ruined my birthday by getting drunk and moaning that he had never been with a woman ‘who hadn’t had bloody kids’ and saying he wanted to know what a pussy was like that hadn’t been ruined by other men and babies. I forgave.
He ruined Christmas, twice - I forgave
Found out he had been on a hook up site - I forgave
He either built me up with compliments or tore me down (I wonder what your breasts were like before they got saggy) - I forgave
He criticised my sweet DC - i forgave
Porn habit (I have nothing against porn but past search included barely legal and forced anal) - I forgave
Gawps and stares at young women usually around the age of 16, if I question him about it his answer is ‘it’s legal’ - I forgave
He promised me he would stop drinking, it lasted 4 weeks, he’s drunk most evenings, he drinks and drives. He constantly high. He has started doing cocaine during the week.
There’s so much more to tell but the above is a brief outline.
I have ended this relationship many, many times but I always go running back. I know he is an abusive nasty drug addicted alcoholic but I have become codependent and I despise myself, I hate myself for staying with him. He tells me no other man would want me because I have a disabled DC and that everybody thinks he a hero for taking me on.
I’m broken, I cry everyday, my mental health is shocking and I’m full of anxiety constantly. I know I’m addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship, there has been many good times as well as truly awful.
I ended the relationship on Monday because he said that he hadn’t met the right woman to settle down with and marry, I went running back yesterday. I hate myself, my esteem is rock bottom.
His whole family are dysfunctional, heavy drinking and weed smoking is normal as is swearing at your DC and fighting amongst themselves. I feel like I’ve got mixed up in a parallel universe and don’t know how to get out.
Please be honest and as harsh as you like, I need straight talking and a kick up the arse. Thank you if you read the whole post, it feels good to sick it up so to speak. Nobody in real life knows about this, our friends think he’s wonderful, a real laugh and I’m the sourpuss.

Oh OP, he sounds awful. I don't have any advice beyond you have to get it together and leave him - permanently. You are worth so much more than this!! I hope someone comes along soon with more specific advice.

You are worth so much more than this crap. Awful disgusting man, please fuck him right off NOW.

I think you're on the right path, in that you can see how very dysfunctional and destructive this man is.

I could tell you that I have had a similar relationship, despite being a very 'together' sort of person.

I could also tell you that my person dumped me. Ghosted me after 6 years together and I never heard from him again, so those years of forgiving, trying, burying the hurt and constantly allowing my boundaries to be crossed meant nothing to him.

Block him, starve the love (or dependency) out.

Make a list, write down the spiteful, nasty things he has said and done; even those you've not mentioned here, because I'm sure there are plenty, and read that list frequently.

Thank you for answering BlueJava, I know that he got to get out, when I do I sink into depression, hence starting antidepressants next week. I’ve always been brittle but am now at rock bottom. I have 2 cars of which he is using one, how do I get it back?
Oh also I’m nearly forgot, I miscarried 18 months ago, he disappeared for 2 weeks because he couldn’t deal with my emotions. I’ve read my post several times and I sound pathetic. I would like to hear from anybody who has been through this and how they broke the cycle.
I feel so horribly used, so many things are coming to light in my mind, like how he lived me and I kept him whilst he was out of work, he moved out a month after finding a new job. I’ve been so incredibly stupid.

Please excuse terrible typos, I’m a bit tearful!

Wotcher Desperado

I have to run in a minute but WOW your post has resonated. Bloody well done on Monday.

I will kick your arse if you ask me very sweetly (ha!) - but am MUCH more disposed to give you a hug.
Please bear in mind how your early life has conditioned you to get selected by abusive men. Keep this at the forefront whenever you might spiral into self-blame & natural feelings of despair, sadness, anxiety. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Hold on to the strength you found on Monday when you finished it.
If you feel even the smallest waver from that, remember THIS:
‘he’s the governor’ and can do as he pleases.
Fucksake!!!!!!!!!!
Your ex is a turd. He has been raised by a turd, He is not going to change.

I am so delighted that your DC is nothing to do with XP.
It means you can have a clean break. That is how you end co-dependency. You can access counselling about this, & please do so asap - just taking that step to ask for professional help will make you feel a little better immediately. GP or CAB will advise where to start.
He may try to hoover you back in (because he will be cross you are no longer there for him to control). If he does, get straight on to Women's Aid for support & advice - they will steer you in the direction of retriction orders etc if he won't leave you alone.

I'll be watching this thread, & feel free to pm if you need to vent.
Be very proud of yourself for Monday, & keep taking the meds while you get through the initial few weeks of change.

RSy
xx

Stop concentrating on how much you love him/want to be in a relationship with him/ have a duty to look after him or whatever it is that is causing you to go back. Bring the focus back to you an the fact that you deserve to be treated with respect ( just like everyone else does). Keep concentrating on how he cannot love you if that's how he's treating you. Read the pinned post above and remind yourself that what he has done is not ok. Cut all contact. Be angry at his behaviors. Tell people in real life.

Love your own self now for a change.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and your parents, your mother in particular, taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships including how to become codependent. It is not sadly all that surprising that you have been in a codependent relationship with an abusive alcoholic; your childhood itself was chaotic and dysfunctional and your boundaries have been well and truly skewed by that. It will all need unlearning and you are going to need lots of therapy.

You can recover from codependency and abuse but its going to take time, perhaps years even. This man targeted you and deliberately so because he saw something within you ( a need for validation or to be loved) that he can and has exploited. There is no quick fix here for codependency but you can and should now get your abuser out of your life permanently and not keep making the mistake of taking him back. Abusive people are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle as you have all too clearly seen is a continuous one. Abuse as well like you describe thrives on secrecy and it may well be that one or two of your friends here have their own private based suspicions about him. Such people as well can appears quite plausible to those in the outside world but you know the truth because after all you have lived with him. Do not keep his abuses of you a secret any longer.

Womens Aid could also help you here by attending their Freedom Programme.

Also contact CODA asap and attend their meetings.
Link here.
www.coda-uk.org/index.php

Do also read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

Thank you for all your replies, I have known that he is abusive for quite some time but have tolerated it and forgiven so many times. I know he doesn’t respect me which has made me lose what little respect I had for myself. He seems to have an intense hatred for women who have had children, the only women he seems to respect is ones who are under the age of twenty, childless and ‘untarnished’. I’ve only just started to realise that this is abnormal thinking, I’ve been blaming myself and seeing myself as damaged goods because of how he thinks.
Yes I’m on the right path. I’m so unbelievably angry at myself and him. I’ve got to put that anger to good use.
I’ve emailed a local woman’s group that deals with DV, they have an open night every Thursday evening, I’m going tomorrow.
I’m also going to make an appointment with my GP and come clean about everything. I agree that I definitely need some therapy. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship before.

Unfortunately you had a mother who was abusive and have gone on therefore to end up with an abusive partner. I think having these things in our life from a young age can lead us to tolerating and excusing far more than we should from others, as adults. You need to break the cycle. I don't normally advise therapy but I think in this case it might be a good idea.

Also, you need to do everything you can to distance yourself from this man. It sounds like he has narcissistic personality disorder (or similar) and that shit is not fixable, it is who.he.is. Basically he is such a big cunt that there is a name for his shitty personality xD these sorts, don't happily let anyone walk away from them. So either he will try to get you back or he will try to continue to control you or ruin your life - if you let him.

You have to be relentless and unforgiving (take a leaf out of his book). Block all means he has of contacting you and drop any mutual friends. It may also be wise to check your computer for spyware, then change any online passwords you have and change your locks.

Heck, If need be, move away/change jobs. It might seem extreme but you have to do whatever it takes to be free. But perhaps, start with a holiday? :)

You need to start fighting for YOU for freedom, for happiness for autonomy. He is a dark, gross leach hungry for your blood and he will suck you dry. There is no good and bad him, only bad and the mask he uses to hide his... emptyness (and it seems, it isn't even a very good mask). So cut yourself free. Whatever it takes.

@ 5LeafClover - I’m starting to realise that what I feel for him is not true love, it’s a weird sick dependency. A need to fix him. I clean his flat weekly, it turns my stomach because he lives like an animal.

There is an element of addiction in these types of relationships.
You end up ridiculously happy when they're kind - and these sorts can be very charismatic.

It works on the principle of intermittent reinforcement, like training a dog.

Start of with a reward for every time you do as your told, then change to sometimes a reward and sometimes not.
It means you (the dog) are totally focused on the fact that you may be rewarded at some point.
I'm including myself as the dog too, btw.

Yeah you can't think of them as fixable or having the ability to change...it's more like they area different species of being. Humans have empathy. These sorts, don't. That's how you break away>stop seeing them like us, they aren't anything like us, they have no desire to be and they never will be. Any more than a shark can become a fish.

All I can say is....how would you feel if your DC was in a relationship like this? Is this what you’d want for your child? I was very dependant on my ex...he abused me and wore me down so much. I was only allowed out of the house to go to work. I wasn’t allowed to wear make up or get my haircut, I wasn’t allowed out with my friends, he kept my debit card and would spend my wages on PlayStation games and at the bookies. If I wanted any of MY wages I had to sleep with him. Then one day it dawned on me. One day a man could treat my daughter how her father treated me. That same day I packed his stuff while he was at the bookies and left it outside. He was shocked I’d made a stand, he came in, through a pair of scissors at my head, called me the usual insults I’d heard for years and then left. He left because he realised I’d got a backbone and he couldn’t control me anymore. 15 years later...I still wouldn’t pi55 on him if he was on fire but he gave me my daughter and I gave me my life back. You owe it to yourself and your DC to get your life back too. Xx

Start talking to your friends and family. They will help you when you feel weak and like going back. You need an army on your side. You can do this though. You deserve better

...actually 'technically' a shark is a fish...so...* anymore that a shark can become a guppy xD

quentinwinters only problem is it's human nature to try and normalise/rationalise bad behaviour in order to excuse it. So friends or family might be inclined to say 'maybe you misunderstood' or 'im sure he's sorry'. We tend to assume the good in people. I've been in the position where someones colours were actually coming to light at last...and friends have excused his behaviour and I've ended up going right back to second guessing myself. So...it can backfire.

TeaForTheWin - you are completely right in everything you have said. My DM has no idea that she was abusive, I wasn’t allowed to have feelings as a child, if I felt sad I was told I was feeling sorry for myself, if I was angry I was told to stop having a tantrum and to grow up. When I was being bullied (briefly) at school I was told to toughen up and don’t be weak. She never touched me, ever, no hugs, no kisses, no kindness. When I did well at school I was told to do better, no praise. Frequently slapped round the face when I rebelled as a teen. I know that this is where my issues have stemmed from. She tells me that I’m weak for needing antidepressants, I don’t tell her much anymore. I’ve spent my whole life trying to please her, she got peeved that I had a ‘defective’ child. I know that this is pretty much the same but on a nastier level.
I do believe he may have some sort of personality disorder, he is no Adonis but he thinks he is. He is always telling me what a nice guy everybody thinks he is and they do. When I break things off with him our mutual friends think I’m the problem in the relationship.
He is a leech, he disgusts me yet draws me. I know I’m seeing the light because when he touches me now I cringe.
I’m planning to end it before the weekend by text, I know that’s weak but I can’t do it face to face.
I have lots of his belongings at mine so will take them to his and take my things when he is at work, I will also leave his door key and then text him. He doesn’t have a key for my house, I moved in January and didn’t want to give him a key so kept forgetting to get one cut.
I’m going to ask him to leave my car somewhere with the key in it and have my friend take me to pick it up.
I’m then going to block him and friends that I have made through him.
This is what I want to do, I’ve got to stop being a wimp and do it.
My DC breaks up from school next week and I have an old friend who lives in a lovely part of Norfolk, I think they would be pleased to see us. That’s a very good idea and has made me smile at the thought of getting away.

Thank you for replies, you are all very kind
I have to pick up DC from school and will read, reread and reply when I get back. Thank you again.

You can't fix him and nor should you try. Focus on you. He is not a nice partner for you. Block and walk away, leave his mess alone. You can do it.

Pft, nothing weak about dumping him by text. It's a smart move! Get him dumped and get him blocked :) and get yourself that nice wee holiday with your pal. Good luck xx

How tragic that you are exposing your sweet severely disabled child to this twisted, cruel, abusive drug addict. You are not the best mother you can be if you are “broken...cry everyday and are full of anxiety constantly.”

You desperately need the support of counseling to strengthen your self-esteem, boundaries, and coping strategies so that you can break your addiction to this monster.

I haven't read everything, but saw you mention you wanted someone who'd been through similar to share.

My son's dad beat me, broke bones, strangled me, tried to suffocate me, raped me, sodomised me, threatened to kill me... but I went back twice.

It's now been 19 years since I've had contact with him. I had to move house twice to get away.

I'm codependent, I struggle with it, but after the trauma of that (plus disabled DS), I drank alcoholically. It was my coping mechanism. So even free of him, the shit still needed numbing. Next month I'll be 10 yrs sober.

All of it is possible. My life is so different now. I'm safe. My son is safe. He will be 21 in June & with no influence of his father, he's an incredible young man.

I would call Refuge, as first port of call. They can help signpost you to anyone you need help from. They will advise you how to keep safe until you split.

As PP mentioned CODA can help, and Melodie Beattie is great. For me, it helped to get intensive therapy to address a ton of earlier shit & why I felt so unworthy that I would rather choose that. You're right / you're addicted to the chaos of it. But I swear to you, being out, calm, safe, you will rebuild yourself & you will see all his toxic abuse much more objectively.

Like any addiction, getting through each day is where to focus. Distract yourself. Block him. On social media too. Delete his number so you're not tempted. Get through one hour at a time when you need.

Last but not least, please think of your DC.

quentinwinters only problem is it's human nature to try and normalise/rationalise bad behaviour in order to excuse it. So friends or family might be inclined to say 'maybe you misunderstood' or 'im sure he's sorry'. We tend to assume the good in people. I've been in the position where someones colours were actually coming to light at last...and friends have excused his behaviour and I've ended up going right back to second guessing myself. So...it can backfire.

That's what I thought would happen with STBexH. But my close friends and family were on my side, more than I would have believed possible and I couldn't have left without that.

Thanks for all your replies.
I’ve realised I can’t fix him, only he can do that but he thinks that the way he lives his life is normal, I’m the stick in the mud for not drinking to excess or snorting coke every weekend.
I’ve packed all his things up and I’m going to take them to his place tomorrow morning, then text him and tell him it’s over then block him and his mate who he always gets involved to mediate when I’ve split up with him before. I don’t have any social media so unless he turns up on my doorstep he can’t contact me.
I do rationalise his bad behaviour and have made so many excuses for him to other people but knew inside that whatever he did that time was very wrong.
@MsDogLady - yes I know, I know what I’ve done and I haven’t been putting DC’s first, I’ve been too wrapped up in my own selfish behaviour. I am an expert at masking feelings, DC has never seen me cry but he has witnessed some horrible things which I feel very, very guilty about. I’m looking at him now and feeling terrible, he should be my top priority and always was before this mess happened. I am going to go for councilling, probably privately because I want to start as soon as I possibly can. I will ask for advice when I go to the DV meeting tomorrow evening.
I feel too embarrassed to talk to anybody in real life about this which is why I posted on here.
@Kayleidogyn - that’s horrific and I’m happy that you and your DS got out, he could have killed you, I bet he almost killed you emotionally? I’m also pleased your alcohol free. I’m going to order some books on codependency because I don’t want to be like this anymore, I only knew about codependency from trawling the relationship boards on here, I recognised myself.
I’m cursing the fact that I ever met him. I know I’m going to feel worse before I feel better.
Thanks everybody, it has helped a lot by venting on here, I’ve kept it all in for so long.
When DC is in bed I’m going to write a list of all the things he has done and said that has upset me and when I’m feeling weak and looking back at the relationship with rose tinted glasses I will read it.