Codependency and how to break it - desperate

[DesperadoDan]

I’m a regular reader and poster on mumsnet but have set up a new account for this, it’s a biggie and I’m an emotional wreck.
Brief history of me, I had an emotionally neglectful and controlling mother, anorexia as a teen and early 20’s, it has reared it’s head now and again but I fight it and manage to stay healthy. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 23, been on and off antidepressants since. Currently not taking them but planning to start on Monday.
I have a severely disabled teen DC which is something that I don’t struggle with, I adore them.
Been with DP for 4 years, have lived together on and off during this time, not living together at the moment. He was a dream when I met him, kind, funny, caring and generous. I noticed that he drank a little too much for my liking and found out after a couple of months that he had a daily weed habit (I don’t drink or smoke or dabble in drugs) then found out at a party he uses cocaine socially.
He got very drunk at a social occasion when we had been together about 8 months, his behaviour was shocking (touched another woman on her bum and made crude remarks) I walked out and left him to it, he rang me not long after and went on an absolute torrent of abuse, calling me names and telling me ‘he’s the governor’ and can do as he pleases. He eventually calmed down and I picked him up in my car and took him home with me, as soon as we got through the door he started shouting in my face, it went on for about 30 mins until I was in a ball crying on my bed. The next morning he was incredibly sorry and I forgave him, he was back to being sweet and lovely. He has a complex relationship with his mother, she has been very controlling with him in the past (she hated me from the start and said I was a tarnished penny and her son was too good for me) tarnished because I have been married and have a child. We clicked and bonded over our shitty childhoods. He moved in with me and my DC, he didn’t interact with DC much and said he didn’t want to play daddy, fair enough.
He slowly became more critical about the way I do things and actually showed me one morning how I should make his coffee.
He started drinking more and moaning that he wasn’t happy living with us, he was drunk most evenings and got so short tempered with anything I did I was starting to become nervous about everything.
He was Jekyll and Hyde, so incredibly charming and loving until he felt that I had done something ‘wrong’ he then became angry. He complained that we never had any time alone without DC which isn’t true, DC spends time with his father and my parents, I am lucky and have a good respite system.
He became more and more jealous and paranoid, often accusing me of sleeping with men whilst he was at work.
He ruined my birthday by getting drunk and moaning that he had never been with a woman ‘who hadn’t had bloody kids’ and saying he wanted to know what a pussy was like that hadn’t been ruined by other men and babies. I forgave.
He ruined Christmas, twice - I forgave
Found out he had been on a hook up site - I forgave
He either built me up with compliments or tore me down (I wonder what your breasts were like before they got saggy) - I forgave
He criticised my sweet DC - i forgave
Porn habit (I have nothing against porn but past search included barely legal and forced anal) - I forgave
Gawps and stares at young women usually around the age of 16, if I question him about it his answer is ‘it’s legal’ - I forgave
He promised me he would stop drinking, it lasted 4 weeks, he’s drunk most evenings, he drinks and drives. He constantly high. He has started doing cocaine during the week.
There’s so much more to tell but the above is a brief outline.
I have ended this relationship many, many times but I always go running back. I know he is an abusive nasty drug addicted alcoholic but I have become codependent and I despise myself, I hate myself for staying with him. He tells me no other man would want me because I have a disabled DC and that everybody thinks he a hero for taking me on.
I’m broken, I cry everyday, my mental health is shocking and I’m full of anxiety constantly. I know I’m addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship, there has been many good times as well as truly awful.
I ended the relationship on Monday because he said that he hadn’t met the right woman to settle down with and marry, I went running back yesterday. I hate myself, my esteem is rock bottom.
His whole family are dysfunctional, heavy drinking and weed smoking is normal as is swearing at your DC and fighting amongst themselves. I feel like I’ve got mixed up in a parallel universe and don’t know how to get out.
Please be honest and as harsh as you like, I need straight talking and a kick up the arse. Thank you if you read the whole post, it feels good to sick it up so to speak. Nobody in real life knows about this, our friends think he’s wonderful, a real laugh and I’m the sourpuss.

Desperado, don’t back down. I came out of what I now recognise as a codependent relationship last year, and it (he) is still affecting my life six months later. He is a drug user, drink driver, compulsive gambler, totally oblivious to “normal” rules and regulations (even down to deliberately parking on double yellows)...but he charms people and manipulates even those who are tough and hard-faced into helping him time and time again.

I don’t have children; spent years thinking I couldn’t and then I got pregnant by him at 42. I knew even then it would be disastrous, so I had a termination (we did discuss it first but in the end it was more my decision than his). His reaction to the physical and emotional turmoil that followed was to regularly disappear from our home, incommunicado, and turn up the next day (on one occasion two days later!) saying it was his way of coping 🙄

The drama and stress sucks every bit of life from you, I know that. You think you can fix things — fix them, fix the relationship, but you can’t. The only thing you can fix is yourself. That takes time and thought and space and peace...I hope you can find those things for you and your child. You both deserve much, much more from life than this constant worry. Be of good heart x

Does your son have the cognitive and verbal skills to tell you when he is frightened, upset, sad, etc.? I would think that he feels very unsettled by this man’s mistreatment of you.

It sounds like you have a good proactive plan. Cut contact and don’t answer the door. Make that list. (FYI, the things you’ve listed here are horrifying.) Seek counseling asap. Do ALL that you can to stay strong. You owe it to your child and yourself. Being the victim of a psychological abuser and drug/alcohol addict will damage your mental health and overall health.

Please do not feel embarrassed to tell people. Shine a light. It takes courage to stop tolerating abuse.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that.
I recommend ‘codependency for dummies’
Wishing you strenght and rest.

Just wanted to wish you well, OP.

(I have co-dependant traits too, which I realised through counselling; it's work in progress to move on from it. I'm reading "Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie - it's more geared to partners of alcoholics but the principles apply elsewhere).

Darling girl, you sound so ground down by this absolute arse. Please gather some strength from wherever it can be got, the vipers here are a pretty good start, but counselling, a friend (who will be DELIGHTED to help you get away, I bet) YES to meds as well.

Just a small point.....it is Thursday today, have you missed the meeting?

Have a look at CODA groups near you, or start with Alanon and take it from there.

It can be a lifeline.

Not going to be able to advise much beyond what others have said. Melodie Beattie, CoDA, the freedom Programme. Also, I've found counselling invaluable.

I think being honest is so important. With friends, with family, in groups, over coffee, in every setting really. They only behave so badly because we cover for them.

It is an addiction, and in the same way if someone came on here describing a very difficult childhood which contributed to a heroin addiction later in life people wouldn't be telling them to try having a hot bubble bath and really loving themself. They would be directing that person towards professional help and support. In the same way, you can't do this on your own and you need to reach out as a matter of urgency and seek proper help, someone mentioned Refuge which would be good, if you can possibly afford private longer term psychotherapy to unpack the relationship and also your childhood that would probably be of huge benefit to you. I think ADs will help in the short term too so smart move to try and get yourself sorted.
The very best of luck to you. You sound sick of it now which I think is good and this may be a turning point for you.

It sounds like there is enough evidence to get a restraining order againt him. Be safe op, going away is a great idea do you have friends/family who cound stay with you when you get back?

Thank you for replies, I’m settling DS in bed then will be back to read properly. He’s had a later night than usual because I did it tonight!

A list of appalling behaviours and your response of “I forgave” makes me wince for you with embarrassment quite frankly. Get down off the bloody cross....you are addicted to being a martyr. You aren’t forgiving anything, you are putting up with a shit ton of abuse (& unforgivably subjecting your son to it too) to feed your habit, which is some sort of masochist/saviour idiocy. You know the bit when you get to be ‘forgiving’, when he begs for forgiveness and you get that kick you get from being the magnanimous virtuous angel who saves him from himself. That only exists in your mind; he’s laughing his arse off that he’s manipulated you again. It’s a game to him, how far can he go, how much abuse can he give and have you come crawling back. Oh and btw - he doesn’t think the way he is is normal. That’s just part of the abusers game, can he even convince you of that? What you are seeing is the contempt he holds you in for taking the abuse - the only surprise is he’s not physically abusing you although that may come as you continue to show him he can do anything to you and you will take it.
And, you have none of the usual stuff that makes breaking away harder. He’s not the father of your child, you have your own house and thus presumably own job or income so this is entirely your choice.
If you didn’t have a child, a disabled child at that, so more dependent on you, then fine - stay and feed this masochist/saviour bollocks you get your kicks from. But you do, so stop whining how much you love this abusive POS, leave, get some counselling and be a mum to your son. Ironic that you blame your mum for how you are but are happy to repeat the pattern of being a parent who fails their child despite knowing the damage it does.

Thank you all for your replies, I did it tonight whilst I was feeling strong and that is thanks to you lot on here, you gave me the support, kindness, honesty and kick up the arse that I needed.
I composed a very long text telling him it is over for good, no going back ever. I told him why and that he was to leave my car with the keys in a certain place by Sunday evening and if it wasn’t there I would report it stolen. I took his belongings to his friends house who was drunk and was in no fit state to understand what I was saying but took the bin liners. What I have at his he can bin. I then sent the text and blocked him, his mother and all mutual friends.
From reading your all your posts it is clear that all these men fit the same mould, all have addictions of some sort of another.
LMBoston - it sounds like we were with the same guy, completely and terribly unreliable and nasty to the core.
MsDogLady - yes he does, 4 years ago he was practically non verbal, since changing SEN schools he has come on in leaps and bounds and is talking, not clearly but enough for me to understand his emotions. My DS has seen arguments that he shouldn’t have and see man ex shout in my face. The worst always happened when DS was away at weekends. He still saw too much.
I have ordered codependency for dummies and will be making a GP appointment in the morning to ask for recommendations on therapists and what sort of therapy I need. I’m looking forward to starting meds on Monday, I’ve booked 3 days off work as they can make me feel spaced out to start with, DC will be with his dad.
NewAndImprovedNorks - thank you for your kindness and yes I have spent the day thinking it’s Wednesday, such is my mental state at the moment. I WILL be going next Thursday as I feel it will be invaluable.
I won’t go down the restraining order route yet but I will keep my ears and eyes open when out and about. I have a large dog who barks at any noise so I do feel safe, my house is very secure. I don’t trust him as I know he will be thinking I’ve got one over on him and he will hate that, he will he literally simmering with anger.
Noname99 - thank you, that’s what I needed to hear most of all. You are completely right in everything you have said. I’m disgusted and embarrassed by myself which is why I feel I can’t talk to anybody in real life, the only person I can think of to talk to is exH. I’m not trash, I own my own home, I have a good job, I have no idea why I got involved with this man. I haven’t said that I love him because I don’t believe that I do, I got drawn into a toxic relationship which I am of course partly responsible for and believed for sometime that I did love him. You’re right, I’m not tied to him in any way, I tried to walk away so many times and yes he charmed his way back in again every time. It is an unhealthy and sick addiction on my part. I’m very, very ashamed of myself. I can believe that he has been laughing at me, I’ve been a fool.
My DS has always been my priority, he’s so very sweet and innocent, I adore him. The enormity of what I have subjected him to is now hitting me, I have been unbelievably selfish and self absorbed. He has never physically abused me because he is terrified of the police and any sort of authority. He panics if a police car is behind us when driving. Both his cousins have been physically abused by their partners and I know his brother has hit his wife. Like I said the whole family is dysfunctional. Ive screenshot your post and will reread it when I need to. Seriously, thank you.

Ross Rosenberg ''the human magnet syndrome'' excellent book.
On line ''gurus'' I like are lisa romano and meredith miller. They all really helped me.

Well done, OP, you’ve got this.

DD, make sure that you are honest with the doctor about the extent of this toxic codependency and the abuse you have tolerated. Same with your therapist. Do not be too embarrassed to tell them. Don’t minimize. You must get to the bottom of your issues.

How are you, @DesperadoDan?

Congratulations, Desperado.
Delighted for you.
Hang on in there, you are taking all the right steps.
Stay connected with professionals to make sure you are supported while you transition from co-dependency to contentment.
Warm wishes,
xx

Please get rid of this vile specimen for good asap, take you son away ro see your frind and have a break. You should also confide in her for real life support (assuming she has a sensible head on her shoulders)

Dont let anyone convince you otherwise, remember its you that had to deal eith his constant tirade of antics not them.

Having a child with additionel needs is tough, theres simply not time for unnecessary dramas.......

you cant polish a turd.

I’ve only just seen more replies, thank you.
I feel absolutely crap to be honest. I’ve spent the weekend either brimming with anger or holding back tears.
He got a mutual friend to come round to my house to ask me if he could buy my car, I said no, mutual friend (no longer my friend) said I will have to get in touch with ex to discuss the car.
I rang him. He answered the phone using his soft voice. I straight away asked him to return my car, he said it wasn’t mine to return, he said the log book does not mean I am the official keeper. I told him that it is my car that I paid for it and will use any means to get it back. He exploded, he got verbally abusive, lots of personal insults and called DC a retarded cunt. He knows DC is my weak spot and I started crying which enraged him more. I put the phone down.
Nothing today. I’m going to give 101 a ring tomorrow and see what they say about the car, I have the receipt of purchase in my name.
I ordered codependency for dummies and am currently sitting in bed reading it and marking rather a lot off that applies to me, it’s like the book was written about me! Thank you for recommending it.
I don’t like how much anger I’m feeling, I’m so very angry with myself.
I can’t sleep and when I do I keep waking up.
What a nightmare.
Starting antidepressants today which I’m hoping will help me control my emotions a little better and am seeing my GP on Thursday.
DS and I are going to stay with my friend next Monday. I can’t wait, the change of scenery will be very welcome.

Please dont go back to this man OP, anyone who speaks like that about your child should not be in your life.

He is neither a suitable role model nor loving partner. Dont forget to add that discusting insult about your son to your why ypu shouldn't go back to him list.

Not ideal but if you have to let the car go, dont give him any opportunity to continue contact or yourself any excuse to contact him.

Look at your boy and make a vow give him the life he deserves 💐

OP, you deserve and are worthy of so much more! SO, SO much more. This is a damaged, broken and abusive man, and he is damaging you too.

You deserve to be respected, loved and cherished. This man does not love you - he is hurting you. Some of the things you have listed made my stomach turn. This man is vile, dangerous AND an addict.

I understand you have had a hard childhood and this can make it feel harder to leave - he reinforces your low self-esteem, but you can change this for you and your son.

It's bollocks that you wont meet someone else, and even if you didn't, it's better than crying yourself to sleep at night and being shouted at.

You admit you are addicted to the highs and lows. Can you try the freedom programme or therapy?

YOU CAN DO THIS OP, for you AND your son. I believe in you. You have the strength and courage to do this. Don't be afraid. It's okay.

He's a fucking animal OP. You are doing amazingly and MN will hold your hand through this hard bit until you are right out the other side, blinking in the light and wondering how you could ever have been in so much darkness.

You and your DC have each other, you will make each other happy, you do not need a man and certainly not a man like this.

Do call 101 re the car, get the police involved, burn every bridge back to him you can so he will turn and show you his true face fully - don't leave any door or window open for him to turn on the charm and worm his way back in. Imagine if you go through all this pain now, only to find yourself in exactly the same position - under his thumb, bullied and miserable - in 5 years time. Imagine what 5 years' time could look like instead with him out of your life. Fix your eyes on that, keep walking towards it. You can do this. You are enough. You deserve better.

Thank you all for your wonderful support
It really does make a difference and has helped me tremendously.
I feel more positive today, teary this morning but met with a friend for coffee and I told her everything, she said that she had seen a decline in me and was waiting for me to talk (been friends for 30 years this year)
I rang the police who were very sympathetic but said it was a civil matter and to see a solicitor. He has been using the car for 5 months and has been doing any maintenance, has his own insurance and is paying the tax.
I spoke to my DF who said I should sever all ties as soon as possible and send the log book off and register him as the new keeper before he does something irresponsible in the car and I have the police knocking at my door. I’m thinking this over, it does seem the best option but it’s causing me huge frustration. It’s a prestige car, I saved for the deposit, I paid the finance for 5 years. I don’t want to give it away to him. It would immediately cut all ties and there would be no need to ever have contact again, I know deep down it’s the best option though.
I only brought a new car when he crashed his (whilst drunk and yes he drove away from the scene) so that he could have a vehicle to get to and from work. He promised me he wouldn’t drink and drive whilst driving my car, he did and I saw the proof hidden under the front seats.
I’ve read and reread all these posts and the fog really is clearing, I can’t believe I have tolerated and enabled his behaviour for so long. I actually feel physically sick.
I took my first antidepressant earlier and plan on taking a diazepam before bed, my GP gave me 10 to get me through the first few of days jitters.
ExDH has just picked up DS, I won’t see him until school pick up tomorrow, his dad is having him tomorrow and Wednesday too.
DS has asked for him several times and I said he’s working away and won’t be back for a very long time, I think DS understood as much as he’s able to.
It also sickens me when I think about poor DS and the rows that he has seen, he didn’t even see exDH and I argue because we very rarely did, we didn’t separate due to any bad feeling between us.
I will never, ever get back with him and am planning on not getting into any new relationships for a long time. DS and self healing are my priorities.
I always made excuses for him and from what I’ve read minimised his behaviour despite knowing it was wrong. I always used the excuse that he was depressed, my friend said this morning that he’s just plain abusive. He used every trick in the book to manipulate and destroy my self esteem.
I am going to look at the freedom programme now, I read on here that you can do it online so I’m going to do that now.
I’m working my way through codependency for dummies and it’s all ringing true.
Thank you so much!

You are me 25 years ago. Very similar. Apologies if someone has mentioned it, but I would recommend 'Women Who Love too Much.' Google it- it's an oldie but my God it opened my eyes. I also went through counselling and did tons of stream of consciousness writing which helped enormously. I went on to have relationships with 'normal' men when I became emotionally healthy and kept away from flawed ones. Look at people with healthy boundaries and learn from them.

@ SeeeeMoreStars
So good to hear from somebody who has been through it and gone on to have healthy relationships. Thank you for the recommendation, I have just ordered it on amazon, delivery tomorrow so will get cracking on it straight away.
I’ve got to learn about boundaries, my DM who I absolutely adore was and is still very controlling and critical, she sees it as doing what’s best for me. I was always trying to please her, I tell her things on a need to know basis and our relationship has improved. What she doesn’t know she can’t interfere in. She crossed many of my boundaries both as a child and an adult but I didn’t realise it at the time, I just accepted. I wasn’t allowed choices or my own opinions, it was her way or no way, which is much the same as it was with him.
I started a diary this year that was just for private thoughts, I think that also helped me start to see that things were definitely not how they should be, it’s like reading somebody else’s thoughts now.