Codependency and how to break it - desperate

[DesperadoDan]

I’m a regular reader and poster on mumsnet but have set up a new account for this, it’s a biggie and I’m an emotional wreck.
Brief history of me, I had an emotionally neglectful and controlling mother, anorexia as a teen and early 20’s, it has reared it’s head now and again but I fight it and manage to stay healthy. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 23, been on and off antidepressants since. Currently not taking them but planning to start on Monday.
I have a severely disabled teen DC which is something that I don’t struggle with, I adore them.
Been with DP for 4 years, have lived together on and off during this time, not living together at the moment. He was a dream when I met him, kind, funny, caring and generous. I noticed that he drank a little too much for my liking and found out after a couple of months that he had a daily weed habit (I don’t drink or smoke or dabble in drugs) then found out at a party he uses cocaine socially.
He got very drunk at a social occasion when we had been together about 8 months, his behaviour was shocking (touched another woman on her bum and made crude remarks) I walked out and left him to it, he rang me not long after and went on an absolute torrent of abuse, calling me names and telling me ‘he’s the governor’ and can do as he pleases. He eventually calmed down and I picked him up in my car and took him home with me, as soon as we got through the door he started shouting in my face, it went on for about 30 mins until I was in a ball crying on my bed. The next morning he was incredibly sorry and I forgave him, he was back to being sweet and lovely. He has a complex relationship with his mother, she has been very controlling with him in the past (she hated me from the start and said I was a tarnished penny and her son was too good for me) tarnished because I have been married and have a child. We clicked and bonded over our shitty childhoods. He moved in with me and my DC, he didn’t interact with DC much and said he didn’t want to play daddy, fair enough.
He slowly became more critical about the way I do things and actually showed me one morning how I should make his coffee.
He started drinking more and moaning that he wasn’t happy living with us, he was drunk most evenings and got so short tempered with anything I did I was starting to become nervous about everything.
He was Jekyll and Hyde, so incredibly charming and loving until he felt that I had done something ‘wrong’ he then became angry. He complained that we never had any time alone without DC which isn’t true, DC spends time with his father and my parents, I am lucky and have a good respite system.
He became more and more jealous and paranoid, often accusing me of sleeping with men whilst he was at work.
He ruined my birthday by getting drunk and moaning that he had never been with a woman ‘who hadn’t had bloody kids’ and saying he wanted to know what a pussy was like that hadn’t been ruined by other men and babies. I forgave.
He ruined Christmas, twice - I forgave
Found out he had been on a hook up site - I forgave
He either built me up with compliments or tore me down (I wonder what your breasts were like before they got saggy) - I forgave
He criticised my sweet DC - i forgave
Porn habit (I have nothing against porn but past search included barely legal and forced anal) - I forgave
Gawps and stares at young women usually around the age of 16, if I question him about it his answer is ‘it’s legal’ - I forgave
He promised me he would stop drinking, it lasted 4 weeks, he’s drunk most evenings, he drinks and drives. He constantly high. He has started doing cocaine during the week.
There’s so much more to tell but the above is a brief outline.
I have ended this relationship many, many times but I always go running back. I know he is an abusive nasty drug addicted alcoholic but I have become codependent and I despise myself, I hate myself for staying with him. He tells me no other man would want me because I have a disabled DC and that everybody thinks he a hero for taking me on.
I’m broken, I cry everyday, my mental health is shocking and I’m full of anxiety constantly. I know I’m addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship, there has been many good times as well as truly awful.
I ended the relationship on Monday because he said that he hadn’t met the right woman to settle down with and marry, I went running back yesterday. I hate myself, my esteem is rock bottom.
His whole family are dysfunctional, heavy drinking and weed smoking is normal as is swearing at your DC and fighting amongst themselves. I feel like I’ve got mixed up in a parallel universe and don’t know how to get out.
Please be honest and as harsh as you like, I need straight talking and a kick up the arse. Thank you if you read the whole post, it feels good to sick it up so to speak. Nobody in real life knows about this, our friends think he’s wonderful, a real laugh and I’m the sourpuss.

Do not let this fuckwit back in! I’m really glad you’ve managed to find someone to talk to ..... but please get professional help too. Antidepressants are ok but you need therapy too. Books and self help is all good too but get professional help so that you can not only stay away from this arsehole but also not make the same mistake twice.

Practical - although I’m sure he’s delighted to have a prestige car free of charge, its main purpose for him is it’s a way to keep contact with you. If you really want it back, put the matter in the hands of a solicitor and let them deal with him. It will cost a bit but if it’s a good car, once you get it back you can sell it to pay the bills. People like him rely on the fact that you won’t both because it’s hard emotionally and because you feel it too much hassle but if you have proof that you paid for it and have the log book then it’s yours and the law will eventually retrieve it. The danger is he deliberately vandalizes it while you have no insurance. But as you don’t have it at all, that’s a chance you need to take. Whatever you do, DO NOT try to sort it out with him yourself. You are just kidding yourself that that makes talking to him ‘justified’ - it doesn’t. It’s giving you an excuse to continue to feed your habit of ‘forgiving him’ and waiting for the inevitable ‘high’ when he cries, tells you how much he loves you etc as part of the cycle of getting you back. It won’t last, he won’t change, do not go back!

Hi
I just wanted to say I too left a very emotionally abusive relationship in December. For years and years I knew I had to go but I too was very Co-dependant. He managed everything I felt unable to make the smallest decisions because it was always his way. I to hid it for a very long time but people close to me knew that things were right. One of my closest friends once said to me you have a choice to leave but your child does not, your going to go through life making ur child believe that this is how relationships are going to be, and then she will think it is normal to be abused like this. That gave me the courage and bravery to think I’ve got to do this for my little girl.

And do you know what? It wasent the scariest thing I’ve ever done, as the weeks passed a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. The scariest thing was thinking I’ve got to live with him and dread my future. But now I don’t. I feel a completely different person. He won’t accept it’s over but I will never ever look back.

I did feel a lot of guilt for leaving up until recently. That’s because of how I was conditioned to feel. But I promise you OP your future will be so much happier and so much brighter without this man weighing you down. Something I struggled with massively was talking but talking is the most important therapeutic thing you can do, and from that you will realise you have so much more support than you thought you did.

If you want to chat feel free to PM me. You are already doing so well in recognising that the abusive lies with HIM not YOU! Good luck Op!

Regarding the car, if you have proof that you paid for the car then you are the legal owner. Speak to a solicitor and start the ball rolling: www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q830.htm definitely don’t just sign the car over to him just for an easier life, stop being a doormat!

You can also report him anonymously for drink driving to Crimestoppers. If you call them giving them as much information as possible, they prefer if you can give them the make, model and if possible the registration number. Makes it easier for a patrol car to spot the offender and pull them over. Also if they know the person’s destination, sometimes they will lie in wait for their return home.

Don’t forget to also report him to the police for being a drug dealer (may be a stretch of the truth but no doubt if they investigate his house they will find evidence of coke/weed habit and he will get in trouble for that).

Please also look for a counsellor/therapist. You clearly have a lot to work through and anytime you feel sentimental about him, re-read your first post again, the parts where he has said and done deplorable things to you and you forgave him. Remind yourself of what a cunt he is, get angry about it and to never, ever take him back again. Break the cycle and be free!

Thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot to me

Mixed feelings today, very up and down with moments of rage. I’m feeling a bit queasy and out of it from the antidepressants and have done nothing today but cuddle the dog and read! Under different circumstances it would be lovely as life is usually very hectic.

@Noname99
I will definitely not let him back in like I have before, during other break ups with him I’ve been in floods of tears and believed that I was missing him, carrying my phone around constantly with me incase he rang or text. It’s only early days but I don’t miss him this time at all, I only feel disgust for him, the thought of him being anywhere near me or being intimate with him turns my stomach, I’m starting to see all the little flaws that I either ignored or was too blinded by what I thought was love. I am seeing my GP this week for advice on therapy, I’m happy to pay privately but would like a recommendation.
I have all the necessary info on my car to prove it’s mine. I don’t believe he would intentionally damage it as he loves it and thinks he looks the dogs bollocks in it. The only time it would be damaged is if he pranged it while drunk. I’m going to fight to get it back and find a solicitor tomorrow. When I get it back I’m planning on selling it straight away. I don’t want it now, it feels tainted if that makes sense? I do not want any contact with him, I don’t want to hear his sorrys, I know he will be perfect for a couple of weeks and then go back to his true self. I’ve been in this position with him more times than I can count and it’s the same every time.

@ Icecreamlover123
I’m pleased to hear that you and your DD finally got out of your situation, can I ask you if you have tried any form of therapy or self help for your codependency? From what I’m reading mine comes from my Mother, it’s all starting to make sense. She saw me as an extension of herself instead of an individual person, even now at my age I’m expected to have the same opinions as her and not disagree, I’ve never been allowed to become my own person.
Funnily enough I’ve only been scared of him once, i knew he would never lay a hand on me, even he wouldn’t go that far, it was all emotional abuse because it doesn’t leave any marks does it, there isn’t any proof for others to see?
Good luck to you too, you and your DD have a bright and shiny stress free future.

@ Snuggz
Wow, you must have read my thoughts! I’m going to report him for drunk driving Friday afternoon, he goes to the pub straight after work for a couple of hours (enough time to sink around 8 pints) then drives home with another can inbetween his legs with a joint on the go. I’m not doing it for revenge, I’m doing it to get my car back and to prevent any innocent people being injured or worse due to his selfish irresponsibility. He will most definitely lose his licence.
He does do a little petty drug dealing from his home but I’m not going to report that, if he got raided he would immediately point the finger at me and I don’t want any repercussions.
I am simmering with anger still, I don’t feel sentimental whatsoever but believe that I may in time. I’ve got this thread to reread as well as my diary that has in it every hurt he has done since January.
All pics have been deleted from my phone and I burned other photos in the kitchen sink this morning.
I am planning to throw away anything that bonds me sentimentally to him, I’m going to bin undies that he liked etc.
Tomorrow morning I’m going to find and list everything he brought me on eBay, when he went through his sorry phases he was overly generous. All proceeds will be going towards a holiday for DS and myself in the summer. I’m feeling incredibly strong and I do think it’s down to the support I’ve had on here, I have felt too ashamed to talk to anybody in real life, I felt embarrassed telling my friend yesterday and I only told her the bare minimum for her to confirm that he is indeed an absolute cunt.

Sorry you are going through this OP

He sounds absolutely terrible! I know how difficult leaving someone can be when you have codependenency issues because I’ve been there and just recently ended things (and I’m 100% certain I will never be going back) but WOW a massive dead weight is off my shoulders. He was a cheat, a lair, a drug dealer, manipulative, emotional unavailable and made me feel like nothing. I went back time and time again after he would cheat and blame it on me or do something else and blame it on me.

I always used to think I could change him, if he would just change this or that then he would finally be right for me. It was only when I started working in myself that I found out it was so hard changing myself (even though I wanted to make these changes) how on earth could I ever change him?! Never going to happen!

I got to the point where I accepted that he would never change, I stopped wishing and hoping that he would and just accepted him for what he is and then became absolutely repelled by him! I started working on more self love and it just became impossible to love a man who didn’t love me correctly.

You need to figure out the beliefs you have around him that are keeping you trapped. Does he fill emotional needs? Do you think you would be lonely without him? Do you think you won’t be able to cope with life without him? Do you feel needed by him? Try to figure these things out and understand that these things aren’t true and I can tell you I felt more alone in that relationship than I feel now in fact I don’t feel lonely at all just free. It’s the most empowering feeling in the world when you finally leave someone like this and although I’m still dealing with some self esteem issues I know these can be worked through and he can no longer cause anymore damage.

You and your DC are worth so much more! No woman deserves to be treated the way he treats you! He will never change, EVER! Even if he acknowledged there is a problem, change is bloody hard (especially when dealing with drug addictions)! I think everyone has a breaking point and I reached mine so hopefully you will get to that point sooner rather than later.

@DesperadoDan
How are things with you?

@Noname99
I was going to update later today, about to go into last meeting of the day.
Will update this evening and thank you for remembering me!

Hope you are ok DesperadoDan, I’ve been thinking of you too.

Quick update, the kindness of internet strangers has blown my mind

DS and I are very well, I am doing fantastically well, it’s like the spell has broken and I’m free! We had a lovely 3 days away in Norfolk, lots of walking on the beach and a few pub lunches. DS loved it.

Regarding my ex, I haven’t got back together with him and I don’t want to, I don’t miss him and I most certainly don’t love him anymore. I feel clear headed for the first time in a couple of years.

I changed my home and mobile numbers, I brought a second hand phone and a pay and go sim which I have used to keep in touch with a couple of his friends, mainly one who has mediated between us. I let the friend know before we went away that I had been in touch with a solicitor and was going to fight for my car as the police wouldn’t help because it’s a civil matter.
When we got home from Norfolk my car was parked on my drive and the key had been put through my letterbox. There was a letter from him in the glove box, I burnt it in the sink without reading it. My car hadn’t been damaged in any way but it stinks of weed, I’m planning on getting it valeted and selling it. The mutual friend has sent me several texts telling me that my ex is in a bad way, drinking heavily, taking time off work and is depressed, this has not affected me in any way, it’s like my heart has turned to stone regarding him, I do not feel guilty nor am I getting any satisfaction from the fact he feels miserable. I feel indifferent. When I look back it’s like the whole thing happened to somebody else, somebody who isn’t me.
He used to consume my thoughts constantly and I used to worry endlessly about his welfare. Now I realise we are only responsible for ourselves and our dependents, we can’t change or try to control what others do even though we think at the time we are helping them.

I’m continuing to take antidepressants because I feel that I need them for a little while, until recently I felt constantly anxious and stressed, during the worst times of stress I would get what I call a swimmy head, almost like vertigo, I’ve been told anxiety causes it, I haven’t had that feeling for over a week now. I’ve had no panic attack’s or attacks of the shakes. I’m able to focus at work more than I have for some time as I’m back to putting 100% in without my mind being in a state of confusion.
DS still asks about him l, I tell him he’s working away and won’t be back for a long time.

I’ve read a LOT of posts on the Relationship boards on MN over the last couple of months. I completely understand why women do not simply leave abusive partners, it’s not that easy. You know deep inside that the relationship is toxic but feel so confused by your mixed emotions and their crazy making behaviour that you feel helpless and continuously hope that they will change. An abusive man will never change. I’ve also learnt that depression does not make somebody abusive, they are simply abusive, depression is not the cause.
I also believe that the victim of emotional or physical abuse has to come to the realisation herself that she needs to get out, family and friends can tell you that he’s a wrong un until they are blue in the face but the victim continues to make excuses for him and minimise his behaviour. Once the fog starts clearing it clears very quickly! The anger starts taking over and it gives a huge amount of strength. I’m hoping that this relationship doesn’t leave me bitter and mistrustful, therapy will no doubt help with that. For the meantime I’m very happily single. DS and I are going to have a fantastic summer.

I’ve decided that when I find time I’m going to see if I can volunteer some time to my local women’s group that supports victims of DV, I still haven’t been to one of their meetings but am determined to go next week.

Also my eBay sales have been going well, I’ve sold rather a lot of Pandora jewellery that he brought me. I’ve nothing against Pandora but I never want to see one of their little white bags again!!

I’m waffling on now. Thank you if you’ve read all of the above

Well done you....
It is the hardest thing to recognise the fault in how you would let a person have this much control over you and even harder to break the cycle..

But know that you will never ever let anyone treat you this way ever again. You should be so proud of yourself... You are a hero to your dc and lots of others who will find this thread and take hope from it.

I’m so glad to hear your update. It’s so impossible to believe that sane, lovely women get caught in the web of these utter, utter destructive arseholes but they do. I’m so pleased that you are breaking free. Just keep repeating to yourself - you did not ‘break’ him and you most definitely can’t ‘fix’ him. He’s currently in a ‘woe is me phase’ and probably sucking the life blood out of various friends / family but that will change and he’ll move into “I can get her back phase” where he’ll probably try every trick in the book to get you back including faux regret, apologies and “you are my last chance” bollocks. It’s bollocks because when you say no, you’ll see the true man again - angry and abusive. And ignore the friend with the “he’s a broken man” messages - he most likely just doesn’t want to have to deal with the arsehole either!
Keep strong & please find a counselor to help you. You need to understand how you got caught with in the web the first time so you don’t get caught again. You and your son are worth so much more!

I believe everyone has their breaking point, you got to yours and gone from strength to strength. I’m so pleased for you. Good luck to you and your DS 🌹🌹

You're my inspiration. I'm almost 6 weeks in from leaving my abusive partner and living in a refuge. I miss him terribly and still talk to him, bwhich I know I need to stop. I've also ordered the co-dependency for dummies book and hope it will help me cut ties for good. It's hard as he is so charming when he tries to get me back. I feel like the more I read about abuse and the more I list what my partner did to me the easier it is getting to finally go no contact for good. Thanks for the update, you must be so proud of yourself.

Hello and thank you for more replies
I’m checking in every couple of days as I feel that reading my posts and your replies are keeping me going.
I’ve had a couple of wobbles but haven’t broken. The exhilaration of getting rid of him has worn off a little and I’m remembering good times but KNOW that they were not real, he’s a fake.
He turned up at my front door Monday evening, it was a shock as I was expecting a delivery, he started to say how sorry he was, I told him to please go away and that I didn’t want to talk to him. Shut the front door and pulled the blinds, I felt weirdly invaded. I then got the shakes and felt sick but no tears. Will update properly later, I’m at work and it’s manic. Thank you again, your replies really have given me the strength I needed and a much needed kick up the arse.
Nowheretorunorhide - I think I posted on your thread, the book is amazing and PLEASE break contact with him, you will never heal until you do.

DD, you are doing so well. Great job asserting your boundaries when he showed up unexpectedly at your door.

If you have another wobble, just remember that this despicable man called your darling boy a “retarded cunt.”

MsDogLady - very true, no wobbles this morning, the anger is back and I don’t know quite how to deal with it.