Should I "fire the nanny"?

[Jpulgar]

What do you think of this situation?

I started a new job this Monday and left my DC 3 at home in the care of an educator with 20 years of experience working at a daycare. DC 5 to be picked up from school in the afternoon.

Monday: I get home at 6. Kids have been watching tv all afternoon (over 3h!!) and DC3 had ice cream for lunch.

When I ask educator about it, her response is "I told you so", looking at DC3.

I am shocked, so on Tuesday I leave the TV unplugged and my DC3's lunch cooked and served in a plate in the fridge. I instruct DC3 where her food is (I trust her more than educator) and DC5 that he can play after school but not allowed to watch TV.

At 3:30pm educator write to tell me that DC3 didn't eat. As I leave work I call DC and hear the TV on the background. I ask DC who plugged the TV and they say DC5 Then I ask educator who plugged the TV and she confirms it was DC5. I ask her is she doesn't feel embarrased! And I hung up since I am so angry...

Then I decide to go through my security camera footage. It is in the living room, I talk to DC through it and educator is aware that it is there. I find DC sitting in the sofa watching TV again (main floor) while educator is in the basement talking on the phone. She then comes upstairs and starts screaming at DC: "again? You are watching TV again? Did you hear your mother? She was going to hit me!! She almost hit me" All this shouting, and mind you that we had talked in the phone and I was obviously angry but not even home, how the hell I had almost hit her????

What are her qualifications? What were references like? What did she say she would spend time doing with the children when you interviewed her?

Er, yes, you do. Trust has gone. People don't get third chances with my children.

"Fire the nanny" was in quotes because nanny is my mother.

“I instruct DC3 where her food is (I trust her more than educator) and DC5 that he can play after school but not allowed to watch TV.”

I assume by the names these children are 3 and 5 and you expect them to understand/obey this?

Yes you need a new nanny but also to understand they are to young for these instructions

There were no huge expectations as to doing crafts and reading all day, but to be fed and safe (not plugging things!) was an assumption I made.

"Educator" is an odd term to use to refer to a nanny. Is this person a teacher/retired teacher? Is she perhaps a family member? How you should feal with the situation will vary depending on whether she is trained as a nanny and on whether you have a personal as well as professional relationship. More context please.

I cross posted with your post saying it is your mum. Are you paying her? Can you afford to pay someone else if she won't do what you want?

Speaking as someone who used my own mum (paid at commercial child minding rates) for childcare for years, I would say DO NOT DO IT. Many mothers simply will not follow their adult daughter's rules for caring for grandchildren as they just want to be grandma and think they know best.

Thank you @boredgiraffes. I understand they are too young and I am obviously not making them responsible. But they need adult direction that nanny was not giving.

The point is: she isn't a "nanny", or even an "educator" in your home, she is your mum and the kids' grandma. You're on a hiding to nothing if you want to get "nanny" service from her.

You can’t fire your mother! But yes you need to get proper childcare for your children.

I intentionally omitted the personal relation at the beginning, because on top of been grandma she is an early child educator.

Grandma is retired and lived in a different country. She has visited twice, when both DC were born and this is the third time. The situation is complicated since I am divorced and XH is been hell. He has withdrawn both kids from daycare without my consent and I had to quit my job for not having childcare. I called my mom explaining the emergency and she came, so I can go back to work. I have been off for 4 months and I am a single mom paying a mortgage. It was not fun. Court date to request DC to be enrolled in nursery is in a couple of weeks, but following rules sucks. XH was not allowed to withdraw and he did, but my lawyer didn't let me to enroll again without his consent (we have joint decission making).

Yes, she is my mother. She flew here to help with the kids (and should be happy to see them!! this is the 3rd time she sees DC5 and second for DC3! )

And more importantly, these are his grandchildren. How can she allow DC5 to be plugging things?? How does she go to the basement to talk on the phone and leaves them on their own for half an hour? Why she doesn't feed DC3? I leave at 8 and come back at 6. DC3 didn't have anything to eat yesterday during that time and only ice cream on Monday. If this was a paid job I could understand someone not caring, but grandma??

I think you sound barking mad and need to pay for childcare.

It all sounds hugely dysfunctional. No, you can't 'fire' your mother as she's not employed by you. What you can do is stop leaving the children with her, and find another child care solution. I've never heard of a non-resident parent having control over the childcare if the other parent has custody. Can your Ex not care for them while you work?

Are you in the uk?

This sounds like a clusterfuck of epic proportions! How did you ex-h just remove them from childcare?!? That sounds so bizarre!

Did you ask your mom why she hasn’t fed your child? Especially when food was left for them? To just plunk them in front of the tv is odd as well especially when she came to the country to care for them. I am sure when you were young that wasn’t the done thing.

Maybe talk to here and come up with some easy activities to do.

I hope court goes in your favour.

This is a silly post. What you can expect from a paid childcare worker and your own mother helping you out are two completely different things. She’s doing you a BIG favour and if you don’t agree with the way she’s looking after the kids then pay someone else to do it.

Why can’t a 5 year old plug in something? As long as it’s not a hairdryer over a bath of water then it should be perfectly safe. And nana giving a kid ice cream for lunch isn’t a big deal as a one-off.

Your mum has dropped everything to fly to the country you live in to help you out of a difficult situation,m - for FREE - and you are losing your temper with her over what she feeds your kids, and how she cares for them.

It sounds as though you're having a hard time with your divorce and (I'm being charitable here) might be transferring some of your frustration with that situation into the situation with your mother, which perhaps you feel you have more control over.

You need to sort out paid childcare, and your relationship with your ex, before your relationship with your mum (whom you love, presumably, and need) is damaged.

You are being unreasonable. Your mum is behaving like a grandma because she is one and not a nanny. It's not good that she didn't feed the kids but all you had to do is call to remind her to feed them.

It's clear the children are taking advantage of the lack of discipline you would enforce to not eat proper food.

If the kids are playing or watch tv, I don't see why grandma or any nanny can't have a 30m break. Your mum has dropped everything to help you. You are being very ungrateful to treat your mum like she's paid help to be honest.

Why is OP being slated for this? It's surely fair enough to expect your own mother (who presumably has at least some basic experience in childcare since OP survived to adulthood, as well as being qualified to look after other people's!), having offered to look after your children, to, you know, look after them? You can't leave a 3 and 5 year old to their own devices for hours. If she doesn't "get" this it's hardly her daughter's fault. Knowing this now, OP will no doubt start on Plan B, but I don't see why she shouldn't be a little miffed.

She then comes upstairs and starts screaming at DC: "again? You are watching TV again? Did you hear your mother? She was going to hit me!! She almost hit me

Are you serious here? She said this to your little ones? Aged 3 and 5?

I understand you’re in a pickle but this is really harmful and damaging for them, to have an adult scream lies at them. They are tiny.

She's getting slated for being quite deceptive in her OP. Grandparent care is patchy. My parents watched my daughter for a week. It was utter chaos, but what can you do? They were helping me out. They all survived.

Obviously, if you are actually paying a qualified nanny to take care of your kids then it's completely differnt.

your mum isn't the nanny then she is their grandma coming in to help with the children.i wouldn't dream of calling my mum that is she was with the children.she is their grandma.
did she take your instructions well when you first set them out?
was this arrangement for her to look after them or take on full nanny esque roll?
how is your relationship with her usually.
I don't understand the whole court/taking kids to nursery stuff.is this in the uk?

To go from only seeing your grandchildren once to expecting them to instantly establish a relationship and routine for 10 hours a day is bonkers.

Your mum has come to bail you out! You should be more grateful. This is YOUR mess, not hers. If you don’t like the way she does things, then pay for child care.

Your 5 yr old was naughty to plug in the tv, when they were told not to.