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Original poster

Should I "fire the nanny"?

76 replies

Jpulgar · 28/03/2019 03:01

What do you think of this situation?

I started a new job this Monday and left my DC 3 at home in the care of an educator with 20 years of experience working at a daycare. DC 5 to be picked up from school in the afternoon.

Monday: I get home at 6. Kids have been watching tv all afternoon (over 3h!!) and DC3 had ice cream for lunch.

When I ask educator about it, her response is "I told you so", looking at DC3.

I am shocked, so on Tuesday I leave the TV unplugged and my DC3's lunch cooked and served in a plate in the fridge. I instruct DC3 where her food is (I trust her more than educator) and DC5 that he can play after school but not allowed to watch TV.

At 3:30pm educator write to tell me that DC3 didn't eat. As I leave work I call DC and hear the TV on the background. I ask DC who plugged the TV and they say DC5 Then I ask educator who plugged the TV and she confirms it was DC5. I ask her is she doesn't feel embarrased! And I hung up since I am so angry...

Then I decide to go through my security camera footage. It is in the living room, I talk to DC through it and educator is aware that it is there. I find DC sitting in the sofa watching TV again (main floor) while educator is in the basement talking on the phone. She then comes upstairs and starts screaming at DC: "again? You are watching TV again? Did you hear your mother? She was going to hit me!! She almost hit me" All this shouting, and mind you that we had talked in the phone and I was obviously angry but not even home, how the hell I had almost hit her????

OP posts:

Hellywelly10 · 28/03/2019 06:17

Judging by your post you need to work on your communication.

LynetteScavo · 28/03/2019 06:19

If you were paying someone to care for your children I would advise you to find someone else.

A grand parent caring fur children is a completely different thing. You were in a bad situation and she's come help you out. She's not caring these children as though she were and educator as that's not what she's come to do. She caring for them like a grandma doing her daughter a favour.

You're really asking if you should send your mother home. I suggest you suck up excess TV and ice cream while your DM bonds with your children and you find alternative childcare.

You then thank your DM for helping out and wave her off at the airport.

MsTSwift · 28/03/2019 06:19

She’s not a nanny she’s your mother . What you are doing is the equivalent of me critiquing a home cooked meal my mum has made for us because it’s not restaurant standard

HaventGotAllDay · 28/03/2019 06:22

Maybe pay someone to boss around?

I think you'd like that.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 28/03/2019 06:23

You sound ungrateful she’s helping you out and you want to contro every aspect, she’s not a nanny but a grandparent family who’s helping you out in a difficult time, start treating with her with more respect.

ahtellthee · 28/03/2019 06:24

5 kids is a lot, especially for the older generation! When my DM comes to take care of my 4, I just let her get in with it. She does whatever she needs to do to survive.

She isn't a professional, she is helping you out. If you want to micromanage, get someone qualified.

tenredthings · 28/03/2019 06:26

Sounds like there are bigger issues in your life at the moment than whether your DC watch too much tv. It's just for a short while until the court sorts things out. It's essential that you can work and keep a roof over your kid's heads. You are going to have to let go a bit of your ideals around çhild care and be grateful that she's there helping you. Your not in a position to have a go at her, otherwise she might just decide to leave you to it !

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 28/03/2019 06:32

Op as long as she's watching your kids so that you can go back to work and pay your mortgage, who cares how she does it?? I've been in your position, my mum stepped in and my dc ran wild while i was at work. She gave them their first haircut without my permission etc. I bit my tongue throughout. She helped me 3 days a week and now she's passed away I'm glad she had that time with my dc without me spoiling our relationship over TV, orange squash and haircuts

Proudirishnotpaddy · 28/03/2019 06:37

Granny spoils weans. Shocker.

hazell42 · 28/03/2019 06:38

So you have your mum looking after all your kids, you are not paying her, you are spying on her and leaving 'instructions' like she is staff?
I think she should fire you.
She doesn't have to be happy to have them. Minding your kids is not an honour. It is sometimes a pain in the arse and she could spend her time doing stuff she is had planned after her retirement from being an educator. You should be grateful.
Or pay someone and have everything your way

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 28/03/2019 06:40

This is all really strange, not least your misleading opening post.

Do you have 5 children? That is a lot for anyone to look after, especially a grandparent. And unless you have employed your mother to provide childcare, with terms and conditions, and are paying her for said role, I think you need to be grateful that she's prepared to come and help out. Why should she? Presumably, she's an adult with her own life to lead independent of yours and yet she turned up to bail you out of your mess.

If you don't like the way she chooses to look after them, that's your prerogative, but then you need to get them into childcare - which I don't believe for a second a non-resident parent can prevent the resident parent from doing if the latter is also holding down a fulltime job; that's just bonkers - or hire an actual nanny. One who you pay to do the job.

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 28/03/2019 06:44

If I gave up my time to travel to a different country to take over the care of my Grandchildren while their mother went to work and was questioned about the care I had given I'd tell you to go to hell.
In the greater scheme of things does it really matter that a 3 year old had ice cream or a 5 year old ( after a hard day of school) wanted to watch TV? I mean seriously? You haven't been able to work for 4 months and your mother has come to the rescue. Be bloody grateful

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 28/03/2019 06:44

what sort of mother was she to you op?
did she feed you?
let you watch TV for 3 hours?

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 28/03/2019 06:45

But agree, children should be able to watch TV

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 28/03/2019 06:45

caughtinanet · 28/03/2019 06:46

The op is clearly not in the UK and without knowing where she is you can't comment on the nursery situation.

Some posters are out to disagree, who would accept a situation where an adult doesn't feed a child all day?

In the short term you'll have to find a way to make things work in a way you can live with, longer term you need some better childcare.

MsTSwift · 28/03/2019 06:47

The whole set up sounds like a dramatic car crash. Kids watching tv and eating ice cream is the least of your worries

Margot33 · 28/03/2019 06:47

Your first post was deceiving. She is not a paid nanny. If she was, yes have words with her. It's your mum! I think you are very lucky to receive her help. I'm sure at her age she is doing the best she can, with a child who keeps plugging in the tv!

Margot33 · 28/03/2019 06:49

Agree with the others, be grateful.

MsTSwift · 28/03/2019 06:50

I would be mortified at my kids bad behaviour rather than focusing on your poor mum. Plugging in the tv after being explicitly told not to is reallly bad - direct disobedience

Proudirishnotpaddy · 28/03/2019 06:52

Send her home. Today.

And lose your job. That’s your choice.

She’s doing you a massive massive favour so you can go to work

Your kids know she’s their granny so they play her up. It’s not the same as a paid nanny. And you need to recognise that.

What does it matter for a week or two if their diet is a bit random and they watch a lot more tv than you would allow.

And turn off the spy cam. That’s just rude as fuck.

GottaGoGottaGo · 28/03/2019 07:09

If you have "joint decision making" over the children, then how can Ex-husband take the children OUT of childcare but the lawyer is saying you can't put them back IN? It's not your lawyer's decision. Either it's joint decision making, in which case they need to be put back in childcare as it wasn't a joint decision to take them out, or it isn't joint decision making and you have the right to put them back in... Just doesn't add up.

And no, you can't fire someone who you don't pay and has left their home country to come and do you a favour. How about sitting her down, saying a massive thank you for her help and explaining nicely about your food and TV worries.

anniehm · 28/03/2019 07:17

I'm guessing that you aren't in the U.K. as you don't need both parents permission to put in nursery. I would say that for a couple of weeks it wouldn't hurt them to watch too much tv, perhaps using it to bribe your youngest to eat food that's not frozen and sweet (frozen yogurt is marginally better for them btw). Once the childcare is sorted then granny can go back to being the one who spoils them.

Springisallaround · 28/03/2019 07:18

Free childcare is often less than ideal. That's what's on offer for free. Personally I'd take it in your situation, ask her nicely about the lunches (although she can't actually make a 3 year old eat) and stop spying on her on the camera. If someone was spying on me I'd leave anyway, even if it was my child. You can't make her into the perfect nanny and you are not paying her, so it really is a question of putting up with it or getting regular paid childcare elsewhere.

azulmariposa · 28/03/2019 07:20

If your mother worked as a teacher for so long she would know how children "work". Just because she used to be a teacher, doesn't mean she's there to teach your kids, who by the way are very young, so there's not much that she could do when they are tired after school.
She is their grandmother, and has dropped everything to be there for you. If you want a nanny, hire one. There's nothing to stop you putting your kids into childcare, you could do so without telling your ex.

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