Should I "fire the nanny"?

[Jpulgar]

What do you think of this situation?

I started a new job this Monday and left my DC 3 at home in the care of an educator with 20 years of experience working at a daycare. DC 5 to be picked up from school in the afternoon.

Monday: I get home at 6. Kids have been watching tv all afternoon (over 3h!!) and DC3 had ice cream for lunch.

When I ask educator about it, her response is "I told you so", looking at DC3.

I am shocked, so on Tuesday I leave the TV unplugged and my DC3's lunch cooked and served in a plate in the fridge. I instruct DC3 where her food is (I trust her more than educator) and DC5 that he can play after school but not allowed to watch TV.

At 3:30pm educator write to tell me that DC3 didn't eat. As I leave work I call DC and hear the TV on the background. I ask DC who plugged the TV and they say DC5 Then I ask educator who plugged the TV and she confirms it was DC5. I ask her is she doesn't feel embarrased! And I hung up since I am so angry...

Then I decide to go through my security camera footage. It is in the living room, I talk to DC through it and educator is aware that it is there. I find DC sitting in the sofa watching TV again (main floor) while educator is in the basement talking on the phone. She then comes upstairs and starts screaming at DC: "again? You are watching TV again? Did you hear your mother? She was going to hit me!! She almost hit me" All this shouting, and mind you that we had talked in the phone and I was obviously angry but not even home, how the hell I had almost hit her????

I understand you started this thread just to let off steam, but I don't think it's going to help you.

Are you in the UK? Perhaps you could post in legal and try and get help to sort out your childcare options.

What, she really didn't feed the dc from 8am ill 6pm? That is bonkers.

The situation with your ex sounds very stressful. I hope that when that is fixed you can relax a bit. Your mum doesn't sound like the ideal person to be looking after your dc but if you can't afford anyone else then what are your options? Can you sit down with her and tell her how you're feeling? Ask her to feed the dc, tell her there's healthy food in the fridge? ask her to take the dc out or play with them? Tell her you're stressed and thank her for helping. What's your relationship like with her?

I think you need to ease up. Your children are going through a traumatic time so what if there is tv after school
Your 3 year old is all over the shop let her have ice cream
This is your only choice you don’t have another one you need to compromise and just get through it
She is your mum and a grandmother. My mum taught early education but she is different with my kids of course she is. She is their Nanny not a Nanny

You get what you pay for. And well, you're not paying. So put your kids in paid childcare.

You trust your children more than her. Do not leave them with her again.

I think she's got 2 kids not 5.

You went through security footage to spy on your mum? Wtf. You 'instructed' her? This is not the way to treat a woman who has dropped everything to help you, no matter what a shite time your ex is giving you.

Ice cream and tv is not going to harm your dc in the short term. Their life has turned upside down and they're being cared for by someone they hardly know. Seems like your mother's vast experience is telling her your dc need less rigid structure and more relaxed fun at this difficult time!

And I don't know a single 5 year old that won't plug a tv back in! It's only dangerous if she was sticking her fingers in the socket and at 5 they're far too big. Open sockets might be dangerous to very little toddlers, and that was done to you, not your mum.

Perhaps your mum was on the phone to a supportive friend lamenting the fact her daughter was ungrateful and aggressively treating her like hired help instead of with gratitude. Or booking her flight home if she had any sense!

Done BY you...

Ffs, put your children back into nursery and deal with it at court.

Thank your mother for flying over to help you.

Generally speaking I would find having a grandparent to care for my children preferable to outside help as usually they have the well being of their grandchildren very close to their hearts.
In this case I wouldn't have liked her allowing the plugging in of anything at 5 years old, neither would I have liked the ice cream for lunch however speaking as a granny myself who sometimes babysits my energetic grandchildren I have to say it's not easy when you get older. It's very tiring and allowing a bit of time for TV watching is essential to one's own survival if the babysitting is over several hours.

To clarify some things: I am in Canada. I am the primary resident parent but we have joint custody (decission making) so we have to agree for medical, educational decisions. I am also divorced for 3 years, not "having a hard time with my divorce".

Due to joint custody I need XH to agree to enroll DC in daycare. XH needs the same but daycare omitted it since he said his girlfriend was DC's mother. Yes, XH is a nightmare and trying hard to make my life miserable. He doesn't pay child support and we are due in court because he is requesting DC to attend private school at $50k/year that I can't afford.

The childcare was his move to make me lose my job as I need his consent to enroll in a new one. I could only use family to look after DC without needing consent. 8 am an immigrant with no family here, and single.

Regarding ice cream: that's all she steps, not a treat.
Plugs: I dont think my DC5 understands the safety precautions for electricity. For sure, laws here says school has plugs out of reach or covered, so I don't think I am that far off.

Yes, my mother is doing me a favour, but that doesn't mean I will ignore DC's safety. They were first always. As the grandmother I took for granted she would care for their safety and wellbeing too. And this is not the average grandmother, but one who has worked in a daycare for 20 years.

And I am not paying her for "services", but obviously for all living expenses, flights, insurance, pension plan, clothes, etc. She doesn't want a salary, but paid or not, all the shouting and telling my kids I almost hit her (through the phone!!) is batshit crazy and unacceptable, even more when these are her grandchildren!! My DC runs and hides behind my leg when I say I am leaving her with grandma, and it has only been 3 days since I am back to work.

And lastly about nanny and fire it was in quotes as I wanted to gather opinions before saying it was my mom.

If he unilaterally decided to end daycare then surely you can put them back in without his say so. You need to work to support your children.

You see, if that had been your OP it would have all made a lot more sense.

Realistically, you have 2 options 1) to try and reason with your mum and get her to try harder with childcare or 2) to try and sort things out with your Ex/the courts and get your kids back into proper daycare. I would shoot for option 2 if you can.

I'm sorry you are going through all this. It sounds a nightmare.

Op, I personally think you are on a hiding to nothing here, she is your mum and unless it’s a formal paid arrangement is doing you a big favour,

You call your mum batshit crazy but the saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" springs to mind. You say your ex-husband on the one hand expects you to pay for private school fees but on the other hand has deliberately withdrawn your DC from childcare knowing that you would lose your job as a result? Do you realise how nuts that makes you sound?

You've paid for your mum's flights to come to stay with you to provide childcare for you. You pay for her food and accommodate her while she does this. Wow! That is a basic requirement. She is your MOTHER and is doing you a massive favour, a fact which seems to have entirely escaped your notice. As a PP suggested, you really should get an actual nanny, and pay her (or him) enough to meet your expectations. I feel sorry for your mother.

Since he lied to the daycare saying his girlfriend was the mother, why isn't your lawyer doing his job and bringing that to the authorities notice. Since his withdrawal of your children was under false pretenses it should not count and you can explain to the nursery and re-enroll them. Why isn't your lawyer advising you of this?

Where in Canada are you? I am also from there:). Try and get the Joyce model put in since he pulled this shit. It’s a more old school model of parenting put works in a more controversial divorce. It basically says that you have to try and agree but if not x parent has final say. You would be x parent. If he doesn’t agree with your decision he can take you to court.

And f’ that noise Re private’s school! As I said, I don’t know where you live but most of not all public schools are good! No need for private schools at all! What an ass🤯

I’m a grandmother and am looking after my GD a few days a week. I don’t know how old your mum is but I know it’s not easy. Maybe tv is a little respite for your mother. We grew up watching tv and it didn’t do us any harm, my sister has two doctorates, a masters and a degree and she was allowed to watch tv whenever she wanted. I’m not saying they watch tv all the time but if it’s free childcare I think you should be a bit more grateful and look at your expectations, time for a rethink perhaps.

At 5 years old, they should be fully capable of putting a plug in a socket without electrocuting themselves.

Good grief.....She's your mum and flown over trying to help you out.
Stop taking your anger out on your DM when really you should be aiming it at your exH...it's not your mum's fault you're in this mess.
You should be supporting her not threatening to sack her.

Give your DM a break and stop being trying to control everything.
Allowing kids to eat ice cream for lunch and watching more TV is not a crime.

Firstly if I called my mum who was looking after my dcs an educator it wouldn’t go down well.
Anyway... is the plan for your mum to look after the dcs until they start back at nursery and it’s only a temporary thing?

I just want to say I am sorry for some of the replies on here. Sounds like you're in a horrible situation. I don't have any advice except you really need to be more proactive in reporting to the courts when your exH violates the agreements made - like lying about his girlfriend being your children's mother. That is shocking to me. As for your relationship with your mum that's a tough one. I do think a calm, quiet discussion could help.

What a difficult situation you are in

Yes it's free, but it must have been a heart-sinking moment realising the only childcare you can use at the moment is essentially substandard. It IS amazing of your mum to fly out to help but that doesn't make it easy watching her do things you feel aren't right/safe

Do you have other friends and support in Canada? What city are you in?

I'd relax a bit on the TV (it's a long hard day looking after someone else's kids after all) but maybe leave a list of acceptable programs and a limit of 2 hours or however long, with a threat (for the kids, not your mum!) that the TV box will get taken if they can't stick to it. Put out different craft options, library card, prepaid bus card with nearby ideas to travel to, nearby toddler groups etc. Have some easy meal plans that she can put together with the 2 kids after school to keep them occupied. Would there be after school clubs that the 5 year old could attend without breaching the court order?

You have to make it as easy as possible for her to do the things you want done. YANBU to be disappointed, but yab a bit u to expect too much from you mum too

I am a grandma and if I was spied on and 'instructed' rather than asked when I had flew from where ever to help you out I would be on the next flight home.

All working mothers would like an 'educator' to give their children best possible care when they are not around but sadly you are not in a position to pay for this.

If we take the word grandma out of this you don't have a 'nanny' or an 'educator' you have an unpaid babysitter which is a temporary solution in difficult circumstances.

I would certainly feed my grandchildren properly and try to keep them occupied appropriately without too much television but if this isn't happening op you need to tactfully try to sort it. You will get nowhere treating your mother like an unsatisfactory member of staff. Please, thank you so much, a civil telephone reminder at lunch time will get you a lot further than 'instructions'.

Your mum is helping you return to work to pay your bills and support your kids. She's looking after the 10hrs a day? 5 days a week? She's only met them twice before this so they'll be all feeling their way (plus they've had you at home for 4mths?)... What do you expect really? You aren't employing a 'Nanny/educator', it's their grandma doing you a massive favour. You sound like you're under a lot of pressure but don't turn your mum into your stress release by bitching at her.