(Please Help.) Experiencing sexual rejection~

[NeedingHelp811]

[Disclaimer: This topic is of a sexual nature, and therefore sex is openly (but not overly) talked about in this post]

Sorry for the long post! I just want to explain myself in detail, but thanks to those that do read it :)

Hi. So I’m 19, and my boyfriend is 20. We’ve been dating for about a year and a half now, and whilst the majority of things are good, the sexual side of our relationship is getting so bad that it’s effecting every other part, and I need some second thoughts and advice! Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this and replies :)

At the start he made it clear sex was not only new to him, but also worried him a little bit. After explaining that it’s normal to be nervous, and being understanding with him taking his time, we started to build up to sexual things.
We started with very small steps and over a month or two we build up to the point where he was comfortable with most things, such as oral for example, but we never actually had sex. He also confided in me about a ‘kink’ that he has that clearly wasn’t easy for him to admit, but I was open to it and we explored it together, and he was very thankful and enjoyed himself a lot. Going through that period of self discovery with him was amazing, and it bought us so much closer as a couple.

However, things gradually started to go downhill. After...a few months maybe...Instead of continuing with what we’d been doing (building up and exploring stuff together), we started to go in the other direction.
Intimacy started to fade from our relationship in almost every form: if I would be holding his hand in public he’d make me stop and say it made him felt uncomfortable, if I was what he considered to be too affectionate he’d want me to stop or ‘calm down’ ect, he wouldn’t want to kiss me at all in public and hardly in private. Being pushed away for basic things like trying to hold his hand hurt, and my brain started to just overthink everything!

But, the effect in the bedroom was a lot worse! Intimacy went from a regular thing to something that was few and far between. He never, ever initiated or offered or showed interest, and since I had to be the person to do this, I was being turned down 95% off the time. A variety of excuses of course: I’m not in the mood, I’m too tired, we’ll do it tomorrow or later (but actually wouldn’t) ect. He’d also push my hand away if I tried to put my hands on his body, and stuff like that.
When he actually wanted intimacy, it was completely focused around his kink, and he didn’t want to do anything else, making me feel like he didn’t really want me... he just wanted...’that’. But now even that has stopped, and he doesn’t even want that now.
He’s said stuff to me like ‘there’s nothing nice or intimate about fingering’ for example, and multiple comments like that combined with his very strong desire to involve his kink have made me think he could be a-sexual...I am his first partner after all.. :(

This has had a serious, serious effect on me. It’s hurting my self esteem, my body image, my mental health and more. I’m sure some people here understand, but to have the person you love putting you down for being affectionate, pushing you away if you try to be sexual, and constantly delaying promised intimacy until it never happened...it really does hurt to have that happen so consistently. It’s making me feel ugly, un-loved, un-wanted and more.

I’ve tried different avenues. I’ve never ever forced sex on him, for me that’s not fun at all. I’ve always politely asked, and tried to be understanding when he says no. I’ve tried talking to him a few times, very calmly and gently because I know it’s a sensitive subject, and tried to explain to him that the rejection is getting to me, and that isn’t okay. Each time he’d say he understands, and each time id be let down: the most I’d actually get would be one intimate act that night, usually focused around his kink, and then back to normal...and sometimes nothing would change at all.
I’ve talked to him so, so many times, again never being forceful and leaving time between conversations, but always the same result: nothing.
I’ve also tried ‘not caring’... trying not to care about our lack of intimacy and focus on the good things. But I can’t. I need that in a relationship... I need to feel love and affection from a partner... and I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

And that brings me to where I am now. I can’t actually remember the last time we had ‘fun’ together because it’s been so long, and I’d also like to reiterate that we’ve never actually had sex despite being together for a year and a half.
I’ve seriously started to loose desire for him, because at this point, he’s turned me away so many times. I’m not even sure if... I’m still attracted to him in the same way...it’s confusing right now. When I think of intimacy, I think of consensual pleasure between two people who love each other... but when I think of it with him I just think of him making excuses, him pushing my hand away from him, and the fact he doesn’t seem attracted to me. I said this to him, that it’s got to the point where I’m actually loosing physical interest in him, and he seemed really upset. He tried to explain that sex isn’t easy for him, and that he’ll try, but to be honest I’m not sure I even believe him at this point no matter how upset he seemed. I’m scared it’s too little too late, I don’t feel that same flare for him that I did, and I really don’t want it to be gone!

I do also want to say that I know a relationship isn’t all about sex, but to me showing intimacy and love (one of the ways you can show this is through sex) is important, and necessary, and I haven’t been getting that. I’ve stayed completely faithful, despite actually having people ask me out, despite having people actually offer me sex, and despite my ex surprisingly offering himself ‘on the side’, I’ve stayed faithful to him. Whilst this post may paint a negative light of him, I do love him like I’ve never loved anyone else, and I really don’t want to loose him. But...I’m starting to not even feel attracted to him anymore, and the pain all this is causing me... I’m not sure how much longer I can take it...

Any advice or comments are really appreciated! Thank you for reading, have a nice day :)

OP please.. PLEASE listen. He is a huge part of your life NOW. but he is not your whole life. Walk away, he doesn't love you the way you love him and this is not salvageable. He was able to talk to you about his kink but not address the issues you face now despite being so hurtful and harmful to you- can you not see this? He is exploiting you to fufil his kink but cant even meet your needs emotionally.

This will end in tears and you will have lost so so much time on him... the amount of people who have similar regrets... you are 19, you are on the edge of a million adventures and expierences- don't let him hold you back.

Else you'll be 30 a celibate. Maybe a obligatory child he agreed to, just to shut you up. So you'll be tied with guilt... turning a blind eye to god knows what he's hiding while you suffer and he just ensures his needs are met and you'll seethe with resentment and regret about what yout life could have been. You only need to scan the relationships board to see thats storyline playing out on various forms from women who ignored red flags.

Go. Live. Your. Life.

Sometimes love isn't enough and thats OK.

The thing is - a good sex life can't make a relationship, but a bad sex life can very easily destroy one. A bad sex life becomes an ugly little toad sitting on your shoulder whenever you're having fun..."what a lovely day we are having, life would be perfect if only...".
You are never going to have perfect carefree mindlessly happy days with this person. Which is what should be coming naturally at your age. Your lovely days together should end with lovely sex together, sex which comes naturally with very little planning and certainly not the angst it is causing you at the moment.
I think he has issues which you are not qualified nor obliged to sort out. He is not your project. At your age YOU are your project.

So many long, heartfelt posts (including my own) but in retrospect the condensed version for me is;

• Guy's a freak.
• You shouldn't have to put up with this
• Get away from him and meet someone normal (on the spectrum of normal anyway) for a relationship.
• It'll hurt but you'll recover.
• You may feel like you love him, but if you experience a relationship with a normal sex life etc. you may come to think differently.
• You can fall in love with someone else.

I had a partner with an unusual kink. It became very wearisome as that was all he wanted from me sexually- it was all about him and the kink. Dull. It sounds like your boyfriend either has no sex drive or is gay to boot. It won’t improve. Do yourself a favour and go and find yourself a partner who shares your (perfectly healthy and very natural) passion for sex!

Morality is spot on.

One day you will look back at this and think, that was NOT love! Not to discredit your feelings for him, but love as a whole, this is not.

I used to trick myself thinking that giving my unconditional love was enough to 'save' someone, accomodating every last difficult behaviour, kink, problems and obstacles. That it was my duty to pass on unvonditional love and eventually they would give it to me. You become their carer, mother and never their equal lover. It is never reciprocated.

Healthy, fulfilling love is nothing like what you have described and you really are limiting yourself for someone that does sound like a fucking nightmare.

Everyone is saying this because they have already lived through it. Its not just advice, its painful experience.

Love is really not that special op. You can love almost anyone as long as you spend time with them...

There are women out there who love serial killers and disgusting abusers. People fall in love with their torturers. "Love" isn't a sign of anything special at all. It's a brain chemistry thing that binds you to other human beings and it happens alllll the time to all sorts of people.

You are 19 so you're absolutely within your rights not to understand much about love yet. But the good news is that you will recover from this relationship very quickly if you give yourself the chance of walking away!

I thought my mum was being cynical when she said to me at your age "sometimes love isn't enough"

Now I realise she was being honest and kind - I wish I had taken her advice so much sooner.

Love isn't a currency - you can't buy someone's love by loving them more. You can't make them kinder to you by being kinder to them.

You deserve to be happy and fulfilled - it shouldn't be this hard ever, let alone at 19!

Great advice on here. He is pushing you away and probably really wants you to break up with him as he sounds too weak to do it.

Get out now. So many other lovely guys out there for you.

OP keep him as a friend then! Win win. What you have is not an relationship.

He could possibly be Asexual @OP but he seems to be lacking in both emotional connection also. I would suggest that after 18 months together something is seriously amiss if you haven’t had full sex yet. He could be questioning his own sexuality. At the end of the day though you’re 19 and deserve to get yourself out there and have your sexual needs met by someone that is truly into you!

Blimey, I'm 49 and having more sex than you.

This situation is untenable. You have offered yourself on a platter for the last 18 months, and he isn't interested. He won't have sex with you, and has made it clear that fingering you is disgusting. Whether he's gay or not, what is abundantly clear, is that he does not like women

You only have 2 options:

1. Stay with him and accept a celibate life, for the next 60 years until you die a dried up old husk

2. Leave him.

You're hoping for an option 3, which is where you say something profound to him, sprinkle some fairy dust and he transforms in front of your eyes, in to the man you want him to be. A Disney film this is not. You even told him your interest in him sexually was waning, and he still hasn't fucked you

You can still be friends of course. But this "man" will never be your lover. Stop flogging a dead horse.

I guarantee you, that once you are with another man who is really into you, you will look back at this and roll your eyes.

Can I just say also, that when you hit your 30's, your sex drive is going to rocket. If you are still with him by then, you'll want to smash your own head in with frustration. Just don't do it to yourself.

You didn't say about the oral, and whether he reciprocated. I'm guessing not, if he balks at fingering. So basically, it's all about his kink, what he wants, and you get Jack Shit?

Hey everyone!
Firstly, I just want to say I’m not ignoring anyone’s advice. I’m reading through every comment, and reading this thread multiple times a day, taking everyone’s input and advice into consideration. I just want to get different peoples opinions to see what they suggest and what they say. I appreciate every reply on here.

I’m worried that breaking up with him wouldn’t result in friendship. There’s bad blood now, and if he still loves me like he claims he does, trying to be friends might just end up being painful. I’d rather have him as a friend than not have him at all, though, so that worries me.

He has said things to me in the last day or two that make me skeptical. Things like just because he struggles with this now, doesn’t mean it will always be like this, and things can change. I want to believe him, but it seems like most of the posts here believe it’s impossible for him to change in that respect?

This is literally on my mind all the time. Breaking up with him is definetly the main option at this time, especially with the kind ‘words of wisdom’ that have been shared on here. Does anybody think that there is a resolution to this that doesn’t end in pain or a break up?

Most people don't end up marrying the person they dated as a teenager...break ups at your age are frequent and normal. It hurts but it's not the end of the world. Plenty more fish in the sea. Plenty of blokes who actively want a sexual relationship too. Don't demean yourself further by wishing he'd have sex with you. There's nothing wrong with you he's probably gay

Things like just because he struggles with this now, doesn’t mean it will always be like this, and things can change

Im not being funny but if he said that to me my response would be "How are they supposed to magically change? Are you in fact Harry Potter and you're going to buy a new wand that actually wants to fuck me???"

Pffffttt..... Pull the other one mate.

Does anybody think that there is a resolution to this that doesn’t end in pain or a break up?

No, there really isn't. You have a normal sex drive. You want sex. He won't have sex with you. If you stay together, you will have to live a celibate lifestyle.

I'm 49, my DH is 46, and I can tell you with absolute certainty, that if he hadn't had sex with me in 18 months, I'd leave him. I love him. But I need a man who has sex with me.

Also, are you happy to never have kids? Or for him to fuck you a few times to get you pregnant, and then withdraw all affection afterwards. So then you're effectively trapped in a sexless relationship, with a child to consider?

The easiest time to end this is right now. Before the waters get muddied with tied finances, a mortgage, a marriage, kids, bla bla bla.

I'm surprised that you can even fancy him, at this point. I think I'd be constantly thinking of his limp little winky.

And another thing : the best way to get over a man, is to get under another one. I guarantee you, that if you went out tomorrow and had a mind blowing fuck with a gorgeous guy, who thought you were fantastic, your relationship would instantly start to look grey. In fact, that's a good way to look at your relationship, it's grey, devoid of colour. You deserve to come out in to the sunshine.

And another thing : the best way to get over a man, is to get under another one

Tis true

Do you do all the housework and pay for stuff? He might just be using you. Get your own space and see how much better you feel.

I was with someone who was impotent once and thinking about it took over my life. He just sat back and appeared to enjoy my trying to "understand and help", when finally I realised it was his problem, not mine.
Got myself a new guy with a good hard dick and it was just the remedy I needed after two years of trying to help someone who had no intention of trying for himself.
Get out now!!

Does anybody think that there is a resolution to this that doesn’t end in pain or a break up?

No lovely, I know it's really hard splitting with someone you love. But if you stay with this person you will grow to resent him and resent yourself for not leaving. It also doesn't sound like he's that in love with you. Don't waste your best years!! You're so young but time really goes move fast, don't waste your youth worrying about this BS. Find someone you're more compatible with and have some fun.

I see people suggested I walk away... but Iam invested in this guy in the sense that I love him. I could have left at any point, but I do love him. That’s what makes this so difficult. I know that looking at the facts I should walk, but I do love him, so it’s not that easy.

When you get to my age - 55 - you learn something I wish I had known at your age - the limits of love. Love can be great, but it's not bloody sacred. And love will not last with major issues - it won't, but you can become dependent in the mistaken belief that you are helpless in the face of 'love'. Grow up - Get out - this guy doesn't care about you - he doesn't care how much he's hurting you does he? Love is as love does.

OP I agree with each of these posts!

At 19 you should be ripping each others clothes off with your teeth!

My daughter is 19 and if this were her I would be helping her to leave him.

It will hurt, but not a fraction as much as staying with this man. He has issues which he will need to sort out with professional help. If this helps you to leave him, your staying could be stopping him seeking this help.

Good luck!

My ex lost his sex drive about a couple of months into our relationship.
There were lots of excuses and it used to drive me insane. Like with you, he also refused to kiss me or show any kind of affection.

It never changed and after an awful break up, I had some fun with a few people while single and loooooved having a sex life again.

I'm now happily married to an amazing man who shows me affection every day. We have matching libidos which is great. Sometimes we can't get enough of each other and other times we may go a couple of weeks without sex.

I've gone from obsessing over infancy to never even having to think about it.

You are still young and wasting your best years with a guy that will never change. Go out and enjoy yourself. (Safely)

*intimacy not infancy! Bloody autocorrect 🙈

Most of us I guess are older than you OP and have been through phases where we have tried to fix a “ broken” person -“ if only they would change this it would be perfect”. You cannot do it..... you can’t change someone through sheer will-power or extent of your love. The only thing you have any influence over is you and your response to this situation. You must decide if the relationship in this current form is enough to sustain you and if not you must go. Don’t even think about being friends... that’s a half way house situation that only works when BOTH parties want the relationship to end or enough time has passed.