[Disclaimer: This topic is of a sexual nature, and therefore sex is openly (but not overly) talked about in this post]
Sorry for the long post! I just want to explain myself in detail, but thanks to those that do read it :)
Hi. So I’m 19, and my boyfriend is 20. We’ve been dating for about a year and a half now, and whilst the majority of things are good, the sexual side of our relationship is getting so bad that it’s effecting every other part, and I need some second thoughts and advice! Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this and replies :)
At the start he made it clear sex was not only new to him, but also worried him a little bit. After explaining that it’s normal to be nervous, and being understanding with him taking his time, we started to build up to sexual things.
We started with very small steps and over a month or two we build up to the point where he was comfortable with most things, such as oral for example, but we never actually had sex. He also confided in me about a ‘kink’ that he has that clearly wasn’t easy for him to admit, but I was open to it and we explored it together, and he was very thankful and enjoyed himself a lot. Going through that period of self discovery with him was amazing, and it bought us so much closer as a couple.
However, things gradually started to go downhill. After...a few months maybe...Instead of continuing with what we’d been doing (building up and exploring stuff together), we started to go in the other direction.
Intimacy started to fade from our relationship in almost every form: if I would be holding his hand in public he’d make me stop and say it made him felt uncomfortable, if I was what he considered to be too affectionate he’d want me to stop or ‘calm down’ ect, he wouldn’t want to kiss me at all in public and hardly in private. Being pushed away for basic things like trying to hold his hand hurt, and my brain started to just overthink everything!
But, the effect in the bedroom was a lot worse! Intimacy went from a regular thing to something that was few and far between. He never, ever initiated or offered or showed interest, and since I had to be the person to do this, I was being turned down 95% off the time. A variety of excuses of course: I’m not in the mood, I’m too tired, we’ll do it tomorrow or later (but actually wouldn’t) ect. He’d also push my hand away if I tried to put my hands on his body, and stuff like that.
When he actually wanted intimacy, it was completely focused around his kink, and he didn’t want to do anything else, making me feel like he didn’t really want me... he just wanted...’that’. But now even that has stopped, and he doesn’t even want that now.
He’s said stuff to me like ‘there’s nothing nice or intimate about fingering’ for example, and multiple comments like that combined with his very strong desire to involve his kink have made me think he could be a-sexual...I am his first partner after all.. :(
This has had a serious, serious effect on me. It’s hurting my self esteem, my body image, my mental health and more. I’m sure some people here understand, but to have the person you love putting you down for being affectionate, pushing you away if you try to be sexual, and constantly delaying promised intimacy until it never happened...it really does hurt to have that happen so consistently. It’s making me feel ugly, un-loved, un-wanted and more.
I’ve tried different avenues. I’ve never ever forced sex on him, for me that’s not fun at all. I’ve always politely asked, and tried to be understanding when he says no. I’ve tried talking to him a few times, very calmly and gently because I know it’s a sensitive subject, and tried to explain to him that the rejection is getting to me, and that isn’t okay. Each time he’d say he understands, and each time id be let down: the most I’d actually get would be one intimate act that night, usually focused around his kink, and then back to normal...and sometimes nothing would change at all.
I’ve talked to him so, so many times, again never being forceful and leaving time between conversations, but always the same result: nothing.
I’ve also tried ‘not caring’... trying not to care about our lack of intimacy and focus on the good things. But I can’t. I need that in a relationship... I need to feel love and affection from a partner... and I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
And that brings me to where I am now. I can’t actually remember the last time we had ‘fun’ together because it’s been so long, and I’d also like to reiterate that we’ve never actually had sex despite being together for a year and a half.
I’ve seriously started to loose desire for him, because at this point, he’s turned me away so many times. I’m not even sure if... I’m still attracted to him in the same way...it’s confusing right now. When I think of intimacy, I think of consensual pleasure between two people who love each other... but when I think of it with him I just think of him making excuses, him pushing my hand away from him, and the fact he doesn’t seem attracted to me. I said this to him, that it’s got to the point where I’m actually loosing physical interest in him, and he seemed really upset. He tried to explain that sex isn’t easy for him, and that he’ll try, but to be honest I’m not sure I even believe him at this point no matter how upset he seemed. I’m scared it’s too little too late, I don’t feel that same flare for him that I did, and I really don’t want it to be gone!
I do also want to say that I know a relationship isn’t all about sex, but to me showing intimacy and love (one of the ways you can show this is through sex) is important, and necessary, and I haven’t been getting that. I’ve stayed completely faithful, despite actually having people ask me out, despite having people actually offer me sex, and despite my ex surprisingly offering himself ‘on the side’, I’ve stayed faithful to him. Whilst this post may paint a negative light of him, I do love him like I’ve never loved anyone else, and I really don’t want to loose him. But...I’m starting to not even feel attracted to him anymore, and the pain all this is causing me... I’m not sure how much longer I can take it...
Any advice or comments are really appreciated! Thank you for reading, have a nice day :)