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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Holiday with the ex

64 replies

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 05:55

Would you be happy if your Oh goes on holiday with ex and their ds?
Backstory: me and him together for 8yrs. I was not included in any discussions at all regarding this. Ds let it out the bag that they're going away to visit a famous attraction.
I asked oh why I wasn't consulted at all and he said because he knew how I would react. Of course I'm upset, few years ago I was put in the exact situation. Was told a week before that him and ex are holidaying together. I did put up with it then but it was a week of hell and my mental health suffered.
It's the lying and planning behind my back I'm pretty pissed off about let alone us never having gone abroad on holiday in all those years we've been together but yet ex asks and he jumps to it.
It's so sad as we've got a really good relationship otherwise but I can't get beyond the lying and scheming behind my back.
He can't see he's done anything wrong at all. Would you just accept it? Mum has an oh who's apparently cool about it but was probably fully aware from the get go.

OP posts:

percheron67 · 26/03/2019 06:02

I would be furious if this happened. The secret planning involved and then expecting you to put up with it. I understand that you have been together for a long time and want to stay with him but I don't feel I would be able to carry on if this happened to me .

category12 · 26/03/2019 06:03

Just goes to show, what you tolerate once, you're expected to tolerate again.

Lilmissmissy · 26/03/2019 06:06

Leave. Simple as.
I was in a relationship for four year and my partner at the time went on holiday with his ex and their son as they both wanted to see their child experience disney land.
Piece of advice. Leave. I did. You will always be last in the line and last to know anything. Trust me- not good for a relationship. They will always be three of you if not.

Birdie6 · 26/03/2019 06:06

Would you just accept it

No I wouldn't , but you did accept it a few years ago. Why on earth did you let it happen then ? I'd kick him out and tell him to fuck off, I'd suggest you do the same.

axil · 26/03/2019 06:18

Depending on the circumstances of their divorce/separation I may be ok with it. (If I knew for sure neither was wanting to get back together, amicable friends etc) and it was a day or two.

Under absolutely no circumstances would I be ok with the sneaking around. The planning with his ex behind my back would mean it was over.

Musti · 26/03/2019 06:22

I wouldn't be bothered that they went together if they get on well and both want to take their child but I'd be upset about not being consulted and also that you two haven't had a holiday together in 8 years!

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 06:31

I did tell him that I'm out of it happens again, I guess he thought I was bluffing.
He thinks going away is totally acceptable and I'm being the unreasonable one.
We've been on holiday in the uk just us for a weekend. He feels too guilty going away longer without ds, yet not too guilty going away without me.

OP posts:

Order654 · 26/03/2019 06:31

I’d leave.

No way would I put up with that, especially after a 8 year relationship.

Why can’t you go?

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 06:31

I wasn't invited

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 26/03/2019 06:32

I wouldn’t be happy with this especially the lying. I’m not a fan of ultimatums but I’d be letting him know that if he goes I’ll be moving out/moving on while he’s gone

NotTheFordType · 26/03/2019 06:39

How long were they together? What contact do they have now? Is it 50/50 with DS?

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 06:48

They were together for about 6 yrs, never married. Sees ds every other weekend and half school holidays

OP posts:

Nc1548 · 26/03/2019 06:52

As PP has said before you teach people how to treat you. If it happened before in the same deceitful way it's happening now the likelihood is that it will happen again.
Together 8 years and you've only had a holiday together for a weekend? His main holiday is with his ex and without you?
I would expect this arrangement if you were having an affair

NotTheFordType · 26/03/2019 06:54

OK so it's a standard bio dad arangment. I'd be happy with the holiday, but could you tell me why my keyboard is shooting shit at me?

ems137 · 26/03/2019 06:57

I'd let him know that if he goes he will either be coming back to an empty home (as in you and your stuff gone) or his bags will be packed and taken to either the exes or a family member.

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 06:57

Dont know what you mean nonford.
We've been away in the uk with all dc together but never abroad or more than a weekend just us when my dc are with their dad.

OP posts:

booboo24 · 26/03/2019 06:58

Another one who wouldn't be happy with this. I can understand a day trip if it was somewhere special the son wanted to go to if he's very young, but not a full blown holiday. He should be making memories with you 3 as a family. I don't say to leave to anyone, but in your shoes I'd feel that strongly I probably would if he went ahead. If he said it would ruin it for his son then you can turn around and say that if you were consulted in the first instance you'd have said you weren't happy, the son would have been none the wiser, and the ex, her partner and her son could have gone. if its somewhere you'd like he could then have gone with you, or the 3 of you could have had your own holiday.

donajimena · 26/03/2019 07:01

No way. If you have issued an ultimatum this time then you either need to stick to it or you will end up in this position on a regular basis.

AFPH123 · 26/03/2019 07:16

“I did tell him I’m out if it happens again”

He didn’t believe you.

You need to show him you did.

Your relationship needs to end.

Charley50 · 26/03/2019 07:28

Yeah i couldn't be doing with this. Why couldn't you and he take his DC? So disrespectful of him to go behind your back like that.

Chocolate123 · 26/03/2019 07:31

No way would I put up with this. The fact he didn't even tell you says it all really.

axil · 26/03/2019 08:02

He knew what you thought about it. You gave him a chance after last time.

He's very deliberately planned it behind your back.

Say you make a big fuss about it but don't leave, you know it'll happen again, right? He actually doesn't care that it upsets you, he cares that you get annoyed with him because he has to deal with your annoyance. So he does what he wants.

No where in this do you, or how you feel (rather than how you make him feel) feature as a priority.

Why would you want to stay? Just because you've been together 8 years doesn't mean you have to accept this to avoid having wasted years! Don't waste more time on someone who isn't actually prioritising you after all this time. He's had 8 years to do it and he's still not. Why would he change?

HotpotLawyer · 26/03/2019 08:06

I do know exes who successfully co-parent and include a holiday with the kids once a year.

But not as a result if secret planning.

ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 26/03/2019 08:13

Would you just accept it?

No.

I did tell him that I'm out of it happens again, I guess he thought I was bluffing

Do you mean you told him that the previous time? In which case, I assume you are leaving and are therefore just venting about it on here and not seeking advice? If you've only issued it this time (ie the second occasion) and aren't leaving, you're a mug. I'm hoping it's the former. When is he moving out?

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 08:19

My mind is sort of made up to end it. I guess I'm secretly hoping he won't go and understand my point of view.
I'm angry to be put into this situation yet again, I made it quite clear after ds came out with it that if he goes it'll be the end of us.
Guess he really doesn't give a shit about me.
He thinks because he's not intending to be unfaithful it's fine for him to go totally ignoring the lying and lack of consulting me.

OP posts:

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