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Original poster

Holiday with the ex

64 replies

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 05:55

Would you be happy if your Oh goes on holiday with ex and their ds?
Backstory: me and him together for 8yrs. I was not included in any discussions at all regarding this. Ds let it out the bag that they're going away to visit a famous attraction.
I asked oh why I wasn't consulted at all and he said because he knew how I would react. Of course I'm upset, few years ago I was put in the exact situation. Was told a week before that him and ex are holidaying together. I did put up with it then but it was a week of hell and my mental health suffered.
It's the lying and planning behind my back I'm pretty pissed off about let alone us never having gone abroad on holiday in all those years we've been together but yet ex asks and he jumps to it.
It's so sad as we've got a really good relationship otherwise but I can't get beyond the lying and scheming behind my back.
He can't see he's done anything wrong at all. Would you just accept it? Mum has an oh who's apparently cool about it but was probably fully aware from the get go.

OP posts:

ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 26/03/2019 08:25

My mind is sort of made up to end it. I guess I'm secretly hoping he won't go and understand my point of view

Sort of? Please don't tell me you're probably going to cave then and didn't actually mean what you said to him?

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 08:31

If he does go then that's it, as I know it'll happen again.
I think I just needed confirmation from outsiders that what he did was not acceptable.

OP posts:

BitchQueen90 · 26/03/2019 08:44

As a divorced mother who has a great relationship with my ex husband YANBU. Ex and I get on brilliantly, we very occasionally go out for food together but there's no need for us to holiday together. DS understands that our lives are separate now.

DIZZYTIGGER87 · 26/03/2019 08:50

The holidaying together wouldn't bother me, as I assume it would be separate rooms etc. A few friends of mine have similar agreements with their exes...big holidays etc they do together (although I think new partners are also included if they are long term and not just a passing fancy) so I don't understand why you aren't invited.
I also wouldn't be happy with not being told and going behind my back. That is the part that is out of order.
If you have threatened to leave before, then you either make good on your threat, or you don't and he will continue to treat you like a doormat.
Walking away doesn't necessarily mean relationship is fully over, it may be the shock he needs to realise he has to decide what he values and where his priorities lie...if you do choose this route, you need to stand firm and he needs to know where the line is, what is/is not negotiable and no more secrets

NotTheFordType · 26/03/2019 09:45

Sorry about earlier I was being silly.

If you've already issued an ultimatum then its either stick to it or have him take the piss forever.

lanbro · 26/03/2019 09:47

I have just booked my 3rd week long holiday with ex and dc but neither of us is seeing anyone. If we were, we wouldn't do it as I don't think it's appropriate. The lying and planning though is worse than the action imo

kbPOW · 26/03/2019 09:50

I asked oh why I wasn't consulted at all and he said because he knew how I would react

^ This is all the reason you need to LTB. This is a shocking way to behave in a long-term relationship.

mindutopia · 26/03/2019 10:14

I think it depends on the context. My dad used to holiday with us after my parents got divorced. To be fair, he was a shit dad, never once had me overnight ever, except one holiday when I was about 15, (even when my parents were still married, if my mum had work travel, I was sent to my grandparents), and if he hadn't come with us, I would have seen very little of him because he was fairly disinterested. It was my mum's attempt to scrape up the tiniest bit of a normal family life for me. He surely must have had a girlfriend/partner at the time (he had a long-term partner for about 10-15 years), and she didn't come with us and I can't imagine she was bothered (was probably glad to be rid of him, frankly!).

But the difference was that as far as I can tell it was a situation everyone was comfortable with. I'm sure his partner was invited. She used to come for Christmas to our house with him, and she would also host us for holidays too (my mum included). And it was all above board. If you aren't comfortable with it and it's being done in a way that's hurtful, you don't have to put up with it. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with holidays together with children once you've split up (I'm grateful my parents found a way to do them). But you don't have to accept it and you can (and should) walk away if it's just not working. He should have enough respect to at least include you in the conversations and try to understand your needs as well, even if putting his dc first.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 26/03/2019 10:22

Ditch him he’s treating you appallingly

ChristmasFluff · 26/03/2019 11:20

I get on really well with my ex and his wife. Maybe because it would never occur to either of us to go on holiday together with our son - and certainly not behind her back.

If you don't end it, you can look forward to more holidays like this, and more and more disrespect from them both - and eventually from their son too.

Time40 · 26/03/2019 11:34

OP, you have to tell him that if he doesn't cancel the holiday, you're leaving - and then you have to follow through. If you don't, something like this will happen again ... and again. It's true what a pp said: we teach people how to treat us.

helpmum2003 · 26/03/2019 12:02

Agree, leave the relationship. He is treating you very disrespectfully. So sorry.

Notcoolmum · 26/03/2019 17:02

After 8 years together planning a holiday without discussing it with you first is out of order. Especially as you haven’t been on holiday together.

Why would he prefer a holiday with his ex and son rather than you and his son? Does his ex pay? Is it a money issue?

It’s definitely not acceptable as you aren’t happy with it and it was planned behind your back.

I’m dating someone who has mentioned his DS asking him to go on holiday with ‘the family’ this summer. I’m interested to see what happens. To me going away with the ex says you are still a family unit and that doesn’t sit right with me once you’ve separated. It’s part of moving on and separating your lives?

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 18:33

According to him it's a 50/50 split, her split is probably coming from bank of mum and dad as she's never worked but still manages 2 to 3 holiday abroad a year so it's not like his ds never gets a holiday. Unlike my dc, which he previously said won't do them any harm. But it's another thing for his child who he daren't say no to in case it upsets him.
I'm done with coming last.

OP posts:

Beclaboo · 26/03/2019 18:43

My question here is why on earth have you not been invited on either of these holidays? My idea of co-parenting (being a child of divorce not being one myself) is that both families would do things together, not just the biological parents. That would raise serious alarms with me.

I would never ask an ex of mine to go away with our child alone without their partner!

Charley50 · 26/03/2019 19:04

So is he still going now you've expressed your totally justifiable hurt and anger? Can't you and him take DS instead?

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 19:15

I haven't spoken to him yet, he's working, probably till late.
I can't go as wouldn't get annual leave for that particular time besides when I said we can take all of the kids another time this was ignored.
This all sounds so ridiculous and really drums it in that he'd rather go on holiday with the ex. Says it all really, I've been such a dickhead thinking we're really good together. Bloody hurts though.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 26/03/2019 19:17

For the second time he has set up a long holiday with DS and Ex behind your back. Not only were you excluded, has treated you with contempt by lying by omission and then shifting the blame to you. He certainly is happy to stomp on your boundaries.

For 8 years he has refused to go away with you for longer than a weekend because of guilt that DS can’t go too. This suggests that he is not willing or doesn’t know how to set appropriate boundaries with his son. Again, he is willing to trample over your wants and needs. As his devoted partner, you deserve his time, respect and consideration. A nice trip with just the two of you is not too much to ask for, and should be a priority for him.

Why would you stay with a man who treats you with such disregard?

Charley50 · 26/03/2019 19:23

Sorry OP this is really shit. Weird too that she doesn't want to go with her DP rather than her ex. No boundaries in place.

emilybrontescorsett · 26/03/2019 19:29

Yanbu.

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 19:30

Wise words mrsdogman.
I think they both think they're doing their ds a favour playing happy families for a few days. He was barely 2 when they split so doesn't remember them ever being together. There are no boundaries whatsoever it seems.

OP posts:

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 19:30

Sorry doglady not man

OP posts:

ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe · 26/03/2019 20:01

No OP I would not accept this and DH would never suggest it.

We take his DS away together as does his mum and her partner. I would not be happy at all if they secretly planned a holiday behind my back mind you I wouldn't be happy if they'd told me about it before hand either!

Whilst it's important that children see their parents getting along I don't think there is any need to continue with this image of 'togetherness' to such an extent of going on holiday as a family. There's no need!

And as for not going away together yourselves, why can't you just take DS with you? Or if you have DSS every other weekend then go for a week when you don't have him?

Sounds crazy to me and I'd be off as well.

Original poster

silentwhisp · 26/03/2019 20:08

I have taken my dc away for a week years ago. He was invited but wouldn't come as feeling too guilty going without dss who has different school holidays to mine due to living further away.
I've asked a few times just for us to go away for a week with no dc but again he feels too guilty. However doesn't seem to feel guilty going on holiday with ex.
We've been away for a week with all dc but not abroad as too expensive, he doesn't want to do the traveling etc any excuse really not to do it.

OP posts:

SkinnyPete · 26/03/2019 20:17

Why in the world would you go on holiday with an ex, despite how amicable the arrangement was, and also hide it from your DP? Just fuck no.

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