Holiday with the ex

[silentwhisp]

Would you be happy if your Oh goes on holiday with ex and their ds?
Backstory: me and him together for 8yrs. I was not included in any discussions at all regarding this. Ds let it out the bag that they're going away to visit a famous attraction.
I asked oh why I wasn't consulted at all and he said because he knew how I would react. Of course I'm upset, few years ago I was put in the exact situation. Was told a week before that him and ex are holidaying together. I did put up with it then but it was a week of hell and my mental health suffered.
It's the lying and planning behind my back I'm pretty pissed off about let alone us never having gone abroad on holiday in all those years we've been together but yet ex asks and he jumps to it.
It's so sad as we've got a really good relationship otherwise but I can't get beyond the lying and scheming behind my back.
He can't see he's done anything wrong at all. Would you just accept it? Mum has an oh who's apparently cool about it but was probably fully aware from the get go.

I’m sorry op, this is just horrendous.
He won’t come on holiday with you and your dc out of guilt? It’s all an excuse and his priorities are totally wrong.
It’s great that he’s a caring dad, it really is, but his love is misplaced. It’s a confusing position to put his son in, not to mention that he seems to put his son above all of the other children in your blended family.
He’s so disrespectful to you all! And not telling you what he was planning? He knows it was wrong and wanted to keep it from you as long as possible. It’s bull that he doesn’t see any wrong in it.

An idea though...why don’t you suggest that you’re going to take your dc away on hols for a week abroad and invite the partner or his ex? That should be fun.

**partner OF his ex that should have said!!

What would he say if you planned a holiday with your ex?

I said to him what about if roles were reversed and he'd be cool about it.

I’d test that out then. Tell him you’ve invited the ex to holiday with you and the children and that surprisingly he’s completely up for it!

You don’t want this do you? But what can you do to change it? You hold the power to either make him treat you better or get rid. It’s really up to you.

Absolutely not ok. Sorry OP. X

This cozy holiday and the way it was secretly arranged is inappropriate, a slap in your face, and would be the last straw for me.

@silentwhisp, he is doing his son a disservice if he “daren’t say no in case it upsets him.” He has given control to a child who has his own self-interests. His son has power over him even when absent.

It also sounds like he is over-invested in pleasing his Ex, and under-invested in pleasing you, as he has demonstrated by taking you for granted and by deceiving you.

I wouldn’t tolerate this for one second longer.

Just disrespectful and have no flying fucks about your feelings.. Ltb

I'm sorry but he just doesn't respect you. He'll do what he wishes even though that hurts you. He's been going behind your back for (weeks?) AGAIN even after you told him how it made you feel the last time. His Ex is probably very aware of the situation you've been placed in - where is his concern or respect for you in this?

If you accept this OP (and you need to be clear with yourself as much as him) nothing will change. In fact I can't see why you'd stay anyway given his lack of commitment to you on his life. You are at the bottom of his list of priorities I'm afraid.

Don't you deserve better?

It's so sad as we've got a really good relationship otherwise

A really good relationship where you never go on holiday together?
Where he is so disrespectful to you that he goes on holiday with his ex - TWICE?!
Where he then justifies his lying & sneakery in arranging his fait accompli by blaming YOU? ('didn't tell you cos i knew this is how you'd react')?
Such a good relationship that you get no say in it?

Apologies to go for the jugular like this. You must be so upset, frustrated & hurt. But it is time to assess what you are GENUINELY getting out of this relationship.

*I said to him what about if roles were reversed and he'd be cool about it.

I’d test that out then. Tell him you’ve invited the ex to holiday with you and the children and that surprisingly he’s completely up for it!*

DON'T DO THIS!
The situation is already messy enough without introducing head games. You need to be clear, honest, & resolute, not "testing" him.

This is damn right disrespectful and totally unacceptable.

You tell him and mean it. He goes on that blimming sneakily planned holiday, you're done!

@silentwhisp, how are things?

Nope this is screaming he is hoping to get back with ex and his family.