Please help me to manage this old family friend....

[ContessaIsOnADietDammit]

She's an old friend of my mum's (mum now deceased). She has been in and out of the picture for decades, even though we lived overseas and so didn't see her for years at a time; she kept in regular touch with my mum and always remained a 'current' friend rather than a past one, so to speak. She lives in the same city as me and my DH/DC, and she is a kind person who frequently offers to babysit, come round with presents, sends little nonsense messages on Facebook, that sort of thing. She has one DD of her own (who is very nice and no-nonsense), who has now gone off to work in another city.

The problem is, none of us have ever really liked this family friend. My mother used to say 'Oh God, it's her - I'M NOT HERE' and run away if the phone rang, so me and my sister had to make awkward conversation with her. My mum found her overbearing and intrusive and really wanted the relationship to just die, but was a bit passive and 'what can I do?' about it all and so it's just kept going for decades. I had to invite her and her DD to my wedding because DM insisted I couldn't not; DSis had to invite them to her wedding because DF insisted she couldn't not (DM had died by then). She means well, but none of us actually like her at all.

So my issue (which I'm aware I'm very lucky to have): she keeps on at me about wanting to meet up, and has always been desperate to babysit my DC (now aged 7 and 8, both boys). I did take her up on this a few times in the past (say maybe 5 in total over 8 years?) and the occasions varied from her taking them out for the day to her sitting for them when they were in bed. I preferred the latter as frankly I get the impression she doesn't like them very much she used to be a primary school teacher and her own DD has always been good as gold, while my two are not so much (we're working on it, believe me). She has always just sounded so cross teacher around them, even when I'm there, that it got to the point where I didn't really want to send them off alone with her.

The very last time she looked after them was the final straw for me. She begged to do it (please note I only actually instigated these occasions on 4/8 times; the other times she's insisted pretty much) and it ended up being a massive deal. On the face of it she was only sitting for them on Sat evening while we went out, but: she needed dinner so arrived early and ate with us (we felt obliged to cook), we had an obligatory hour's chat before going out, we had an obligatory hour's chat after coming back, she couldn't possibly drive home at that hour so stayed the night, she stayed for breakfast and hung around hopefully until half 11 before realising that was it and then headed home. I don't want to do all that again

Basically I have tried to go low contact and be bright, breezy, unavailable since then (last summer). I haven't taken her up on the many babysitting offers, I've been polite yet unavailable,. I just want her to take the hint

She's now messaged this morning asking if she's done anything to upset me. I can't work out a way of responding that will leave us at low contact but not cause massive offence please help!

I think it's a situation where you can't really have it both ways. You don't like this woman and don't want her in your life - of course she will be offended by that. The only sure way of avoiding offence would be putting up with her and reinstating the contact you used to have.

You've said you hoped she'd 'take the hint' - by asking you what's wrong, it sounds as though she has taken the hint, so you have the choice of not offending her, but effectively going back on your hints, or continuing with your 'breezy and unavailable' attitude and accepting that she will probably be offended. If you're happy to do the latter, I think you'll just have to say something like 'I'm very busy at the moment'.

You could say "actually we don't wish to see you agsin."
Or you could take control and make an arrangement on your terms e.g you (just you) meet up with her for afternoon tea once every so often or meet at visitors attraction with your family for an afternoon.

There's no need.for babysitting. You can say you have a regular sitter but thanks for the kind offer.

Her version of the friendship is likely to be very different from yours as she's been included in family events over the years.
It's really either cut her off or maintain a relationship that you feel more in control with.

I’d be a big chicken and ignore the message. Mainly because I’m a ridiculous people pleaser and if I replied I’d probably inadvertently ask if she wanted to live with is😂

*us

Reply and tell her life is so busy you're sorry you've not been in touch!

Have I offended you ? - oh gosh of course not we are just soo busy with work, school, homework, sports, and the kids social lives who knew a x and y year old could have so many parties.
When can I babysit ? Well we aren’t sure we are going to need to impose too much as the boys are forever being invited to friends for sleepovers and we have also got a rota with some of the school mums, plus when we get an evening to ourselves I’m usually in my pjs not out on the raz lol. How about we meet up for lunch/afternoon tea at xx place sometime to catch up.?

Does she pester your DF and DS as well?

She is giving you the opportunity to end it once and for all - take it.

^^ This

Oh I'm sure she'd be stunned at this interpretation from me - but she's not unintelligent, surely she can work out that I'm not keen on her preferred level of contact?

I am thinking I'll go with the 'Everything's fine, just very busy' answer. Unfortunately I can see that will immediately lead to 'No worries, let's set a date for me to babysit' I will then HAVE to say 'No thanks' or just let her come live with us, as said!!

You are not part of her day to at life - neither was your DM - she won’t be that crushed - don’t over think it.

you want her out of your life. she's giving you the opportunity. you can even do it by text!
be brave and pull the plug

,Unfortunately I can see that will immediately lead to 'No worries, let's set a date for me to babysit
Dont be do wet. As another poster said. You say you have a baby sitting rota going.

I’m a big advocate of just being honest. I actually think it’s kinder as if she knew how you felt she wouldn’t want to be part of your life out of pity. I just can’t believe it’s been years and years of this woman being part of your lives and nobody has said or done anything about it!

Reply back with ‘hey, no of course you’ve not done anything to upset me! I’m going to be honest so we’re on the same page though: while I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me in the past re babysitting, and I’m pleased you and my mum had such a close friendship for so many years, I’m feeling a bit stifled and suffocated by the amount of contact between us and feel it’d be best to take some space from trying to talk or meet up for a while. I do wish you all the best, but let’s just leave it here.’

Pull the plug. Better then this awkward facade. Contrary to popular belief, you get to decide who is part of your life and who isn’t. Friendships should be willingly engaged in. If you feel strongly you’d prefer she wasn’t in your life than you don’t have to see her or speak to her, you don’t owe her anything other than being civil. I sadly reckon you won’t have the strength to send something like that to her, if that’s the case then that’s fine and totally your choice but you can’t then keep complaining about her when you are actively choosing to keep it going.

I had a similar situation with a friend who I really just didn’t want to be friends with anymore beyond bumping into one another at mutual interest events, whereas they wanted to be best buds going for coffee, messaging all the time, trips away etc.

In the end I just stopped replying. Took months and months for them to stop pestering me via message but finally it seems they have. If they’d ever asked what was wrong I’d have told them but they just kept popping up every week with a brand new breezy ‘hey! We should do this soon’ even when I hadn’t replied to their previous five messages saying the same thing. I actually felt it was pretty rude of them not to even consider whether I’d replied or shown any signs of enthusiasm and to just keep peppering me over and over again.

I felt like I couldn’t directly tell them to stop cos we do see one another at events. So I took the coward route and just stopped engaging with them. It’s fine when we see one another. It took me a while to really believe that I have every right not to engage in friendships that feel not right and bring me anxiety and frustration rather than joy. Your free time is not a voluntary job.

Your DM was right - she is overbearing and intrusive.

She is also manipulative and entitled - using the babysitting as a social life - she seems to have extracted an awful lot from you for her small favour which you didn’t want or need her to do.

She is also negative and critical around your children.

Loads of reasons to be offended/up-set.

You have done your best being LC - that hasn’t worked fully - often it doesn’t with these selfish types. But just look at it as a slow, staged, process. You are near the end. You know she will not babysit or see you again - it’s just how to put the final nail in the coffin.

So NC it is - no doubt many other people will have found her overbearing and intrusive and will have kicked her to the kerb much sooner than your family have done.

You really have to end this now. You can either ignore all her texts, calls etc - which might increase in the short term and you will have to weather it for a bit. Or you can come up with a set of words that draws a line under it - yiu could do the standard “it’s not you it’s me” thing. But you don’t want to invite dialogue.

“Hi, no you’ve not done anything to offend me, but I think we have different expectations from our connection. You were my mum’s friend, and I wouldn’t want to lose contact with you because of that, but I feel you want more time from me than I can give. I appreciate your babysitting offers, but I have all that covered. I’d love to see you now and again for a catch up and reminisce if that’s ok with you, but life is pretty full and I need to be honest about what I am able/willing to give.
Kind regards xx”

Ok, you're right: I need to be brave. She is the queen of passive aggressive guilting even if you do try to make concessions, so she will expertly make me feel shit afterwards. But I haven't done anything wrong, you're right.....

"Hi - no, you haven't upset me. I just feel that we don't need to be in contact quite so often - I appreciate the offers of babysitting etc, but I think we're all set for the foreseeable future. Also, life's pretty busy here and it becomes an additional stress to feel like I have to remember to respond to several FB messages a week, so I'd appreciate it if they came less frequently. Meeting up in the summer or before Christmas would be great though. I hope you understand and that I haven't offended you - just thought it was best to be honest. Take care, "

Is that awful?

Maybe just 'in the summer' as near Christmas sounds grabby. She's always insisted though

You don’t need any of that, just “no thanks”, and avoid her!

No one MADE you invite her to your wedding. No one can MAKE you feel shit.

Recommend “A Woman in Your Own Right” if you have a more general issue with assertiveness.

But do want to met up with her though? If not why are you continuing the family tradition that you have of dangling a friendship at this woman that you don't want. She has upset you hasn't she?

You are in the last phase of her getting the message. If you feel that you must respond I'm not sure you should dangle the offer of friendship still as you don't mean it

Loopytiles my family runs on guilt and obligation. When you've been reared on such a diet from birth it is very difficult to break out of the habit! My mother would have been the one to die of shame if I'd just said no re the wedding, and my dad likewise. To keep them happy, I did it. But I've reached my limit now.

That’s a perfect response there from Ginsodden, in my opinion

It’s tricky OP, but I don’t think it’s right to hurt her. Your mum didn’t, so no reason why you should. Maybe she thinks she’s helping you, and tbh for the length of time she’s been known to your family, if you held her in the same regard she clearly hold you and your family, you’d have invited her for dinner before you went out, and to stay the night and for breakfast. She might have been waiting for the right time to make a move, so it’s not too sharply after breakfast, I could honestly see myself thinking that. Otherwise it’s all a bit like treating her like a paid babysitter.

When I was a teen doing babysitting, I’d often get dinner cooked for me.

OP, your parents are out of the picture now.
Please don’t internalise their guilt and obligation.
You don’t wish to continue contact with this woman, who wasn’t your friend in the first place and whom you have suffered for years to please your DM. That’s ok - take ownership of this feeling. There are several ways to deal with the situation.
The passive way is to just not respond to messages until she gives up.
The active way is to send a message along the lines that she was your mother’s friend, your mother is no longer with you, and you don’t particularly wish to prolong the acquaintance.
You could lie and say that seeing her reminds you of your mother and this upsets you.
You could stall by saying sorry, very busy these days. And don’t offer any future meet ups, however far ahead or vague.
She may of course be offended. That is her problem, not yours.
She may push for a meeting. Stand firm. No is a complete sentence, as they often say on MN!
If you find all this difficult, then assertiveness training or counselling is the way to go. Good luck, OP!

Living your life in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) is really unhealthy. Your DM had an unequal and negative relationship with her so it’s is not as carrying this on even this is respecting your DM.

Your DM also taught you by the way she handled this one relationship to have low boundaries and not to be authentic to yourself and others. But this just sets up internal conflict and contempt. Maybe you also behave like this in other areas of your life? Now is the time to assert yourself - she will be an easy one to practice on.

You don’t want to see her in the summer or Xmas or EVER - so why put yourself through it? Or your DCs or your DH. Do what will get you to the final outcome that you REALLY want - NC - either bluntly or slowly.

Just rip the plaster off either by:

1. Ignoring all communication.

1. Responding once that “No you have not upset me but I am too busy to keep in touch right now.” Then IGNORE everything else that comes after - as you have TOLD her you are too busy to keep in touch and she will be ignoring that and disrespecting and trampling your boundaries if she keeps contacting you. Block or silence her on everything if it is annoying you.