Please help me to manage this old family friend....

[ContessaIsOnADietDammit]

She's an old friend of my mum's (mum now deceased). She has been in and out of the picture for decades, even though we lived overseas and so didn't see her for years at a time; she kept in regular touch with my mum and always remained a 'current' friend rather than a past one, so to speak. She lives in the same city as me and my DH/DC, and she is a kind person who frequently offers to babysit, come round with presents, sends little nonsense messages on Facebook, that sort of thing. She has one DD of her own (who is very nice and no-nonsense), who has now gone off to work in another city.

The problem is, none of us have ever really liked this family friend. My mother used to say 'Oh God, it's her - I'M NOT HERE' and run away if the phone rang, so me and my sister had to make awkward conversation with her. My mum found her overbearing and intrusive and really wanted the relationship to just die, but was a bit passive and 'what can I do?' about it all and so it's just kept going for decades. I had to invite her and her DD to my wedding because DM insisted I couldn't not; DSis had to invite them to her wedding because DF insisted she couldn't not (DM had died by then). She means well, but none of us actually like her at all.

So my issue (which I'm aware I'm very lucky to have): she keeps on at me about wanting to meet up, and has always been desperate to babysit my DC (now aged 7 and 8, both boys). I did take her up on this a few times in the past (say maybe 5 in total over 8 years?) and the occasions varied from her taking them out for the day to her sitting for them when they were in bed. I preferred the latter as frankly I get the impression she doesn't like them very much she used to be a primary school teacher and her own DD has always been good as gold, while my two are not so much (we're working on it, believe me). She has always just sounded so cross teacher around them, even when I'm there, that it got to the point where I didn't really want to send them off alone with her.

The very last time she looked after them was the final straw for me. She begged to do it (please note I only actually instigated these occasions on 4/8 times; the other times she's insisted pretty much) and it ended up being a massive deal. On the face of it she was only sitting for them on Sat evening while we went out, but: she needed dinner so arrived early and ate with us (we felt obliged to cook), we had an obligatory hour's chat before going out, we had an obligatory hour's chat after coming back, she couldn't possibly drive home at that hour so stayed the night, she stayed for breakfast and hung around hopefully until half 11 before realising that was it and then headed home. I don't want to do all that again

Basically I have tried to go low contact and be bright, breezy, unavailable since then (last summer). I haven't taken her up on the many babysitting offers, I've been polite yet unavailable,. I just want her to take the hint

She's now messaged this morning asking if she's done anything to upset me. I can't work out a way of responding that will leave us at low contact but not cause massive offence please help!

I much prefer Gin's response to yours. Yours seems quite harsh.

I think the long winded messages breaking off in dramatic fashion are a bit cringe tbh.

Just say: “Hi, sorry but we’re super busy at the moment. Take care xx”

Ginsodden's message was brilliant IMO. I would go with that.

Also, try the "what's the worst thing that could happen?" game. ie think the process through and hopefully realise that doing the scary thing will be manageable.

Friar that's why I asked for advice! I don't seem to have a middle tone between 'walk all over me' and 'fuck off'

Message sounds great OP

I like the “no you haven’t offended me. We’re just really busy right now and not able to keep responding to lots of messages. Take care” short and simple. Then if she replies with a babysitting offer just simply say “thanks so much but we don’t really need that. We’ve got it covered. Thanks” then don’t respond to anything else. She was your mums friend not yours and really your mum should have cut her off and saved all of you this hassle. She strung the poor woman along to be honest. Now it’s down to you to have to deal with it!

That’s exactly why you can’t live in FOG. It is toxic - you become a doormat seething internally with rage. I doubt you have ever told anyone to Fuck Off out loud. So you need to be assertive - and this means listening to your gut, hearing what YOU want and then acting on it with a sense of honesty and pride.

First things first. What do you want to happen OP? Work that out and then decide how to respond or not to achieve that.

Do you want to see this person twice a year and to have to manage batting away her communications for the 6 months in between?

Or do you want to not see or have any communications with her and let her fade out of your life?

How would you feel if she hadn’t been in contact - relieved? Or would you miss her and make contact?

I tell DH and my friends to fuck off all the time they would laugh at the image you're painting! The difference is, they're the friends I've chosen, not family ones I feel beholden to maintain.

What I would like is to remain cordial with her, meeting up once or twice a year max. No babysitting. No FB messages. No stupid memes

So you feel she is a family friend that you feel beholden to maintain? Beholden to whom?

Do you want to meet up with her once or twice a year? Would you enjoy that relationship? Or is that just the maximum you think you would be comfortable with?

If you don’t like her and don’t want to see her again then it’s ok to be harsh to get her off your back. It’s not the end of the world if someone out there thinks you’re a cow.

Whatever you do, be kind. How old is she? Is she quite lonely? Does she have many family and friends? It sounds as if you are quite important to her.

I would maybe say something along the lines of 'I am so sorry, life is just crazy busy. We hardly have any time at all and I am also trying not to use my phone too much. I do appreciate the offers to babysit, but just don't feel in a position to take you up on it at the moment.

Could perhaps we have a coffee/walk one afternoon?'

That way, you are limiting yourself to a two hour visit tops and maintaining a low contact relationship without causing any offense.

I'm not in favour of the lengthy, convoluted breakup message. It could result in drama, with her involving your dad, her daughter, your sis. I'm sure you couldn't be arsed with all that.

Far better to write a brief "sorry, we are so busy" message, then mute/ignore.

Don't offer to see her in the summer or for coffee. It would be the platonic equivalent of leading a fella on.

I actually would like to see her once or twice year as she's not terrible, just overbearing. She's kind and wants to help, I know. I just don't want this frequency of contact!

If you really do want to see her - and it's a little hard to think that you aren't just saying that to feel a little less guilty if I'm honest - then could you link it to specific things. Ask her to the theatre or something that has a set date. And then just say 'sorry I'm busy...look forward to seeing you on x'. Do block her on social media. Just say you having a lifestyle purge.

Then you need to decide how comfortable you feel stating your boundaries - so maybe:

“No you have not done anything to upset me. However life is very busy and I don’t have time to read social media and texts. Let’s meet for a coffee/walk/ on June x for a catch up.”

Do you want her around your children or DH - or is it more efficient for you to manage her alone?

Does she still see your DF and DSis?

Why don’t you say, not at all, actually it’s I didn’t want to offend you. The boys have two favorite babysitters they adore and always beg to see- we don’t go out that much so it doesn’t seem at all fair having anyone else babysit.

It is lying but.... I’d only do this if I could name someone who the boys might be positive about , and possibly get them to babysit!

DF avoids her as much as he can (he lives overseas) and says things like 'Don't tell her I'm here' when he visits us in our city. DSis felt obliged to let her and her DD stay at our family home in a major tourist location 2 summers ago and said they were fine enough, but she does try to avoid if at all possible. I'm the only one in the frame because a) I live near her and b) I have children!!

She's retired, and I think a bit bored and lonely. Looking back she hasn't actually sent me several messages a week for a month now; before that it was a steady trickle. I must admit I set her to mute so I could ignore her as she was winding me up having said that, seeing her with DH and the kids at some event in the summer sounds nice to me. She's been around forever, I do have some fond memories of her, I don't want to drop her entirely. I just want to drop the online messaging and see her once or twice a year, which is frankly as often as I see my own relatives because we're so far-flung.

That message is way too nervous and apologetic you might as well just say 'no problem I'll be your bitch'
Just be firm and straightforward tell her you don't need any babysitting, she is framing the situation as one in which she has a pre-existing entitlement of access to your children and she uses that to insert herself into other areas of your life
You need to reframe it

So she is getting the message - harness this now then by responding and being clear about your boundaries on SM and texts - and pick and event or date in the future and be clear that you will be in touch a couple of days before to confirm.

Do you think that you are doing this so that your DF and DSis don’t have to?

I think your message was good OP, I'd just consider whether even saying summer and xmas - is what you really, really want? Her being well meaning aside, when youre busy at xmas do you want someone pestering for their visit?

overbearing people are not good at sticking to boundaries, give an inch, take a mile. Even if you say how you feel and 'i would like to see you once or twice a year' , is there a chance she will steamroll it? 'oh no i insist', turn up unannounced?

Every time you do meet up, will most of the conversation be about guilting you? 'its been so long. So long. Anyone would think you dont like me'. Will you end up just as irritated?

Obviously only you know the likelihood of this, but ive had these responses to boundaries and it is just as shit. I just feel the message with no promises may work better for what you really want.

Also don’t feel guilty that she is bored and lonely or obligated that YOU have to address that for her.

You reap what you sow - she sounds universally unliked and obviously hasn’t managed to nurture equal relationships in her life because she isoverbearing and intrusive which is very selfish.

You don’t have to attend to her - obviously your DF and DSis choose not to and don’t expect you to either.

I'd just something like 'Life's so busy, the boys doing sleepovers mean they don't need babysitting anymore.
Will catch up sometime when things less chaotic, bye!

I think those messages are a bit cruel, really.

I would just ignore the FB messages and once every couple of months just say, "Oops, sorry, I always forget to look at the messages here. Hope you're OK."

As far as the rest is concerned I'd just email, "All fine here, thanks. Very busy as you can imagine. Don't worry about babysitting, we're in a babysitting circle now that the DC are making new friends. Hope everything's OK with you x"

I think the key is to not respond to her messages immediately. It does sound as though she's lonely. I think if you spoke to her face to face you should talk to her about Meet Ups and WI etc as a way of her meeting people her own age.

She is the queen of passive aggressive guilting even if you do try to make concessions, so she will expertly make me feel shit afterwards.

Why do you feel the need to entertain such a person? To date, when you have been over accommodating and hospitable, she behaves like this to you and is unpleasant/inappropriate around your young boys.

You haven’t seen anything yet - with these difficult types once you start putting in reasonable boundaries the passive aggressive escalates and just becomes aggressive and they become even more demanding, intrusive and overbearing.

I think I will go with 'No, not at all - life's just busy! Hope you're well' and leave it at that. I'm not saying we must get together, I'm not asking after her, I'm not indicating that I want to be in touch. It works.