Should I leave my partner of almost 3 years after only 4 months of him moving from Italy to London for me?

[lollaby]

After 2 1/2 years in a long distance relationship, my partner gave up a good job in his home country of Italy and moved to London to live with me and my 14 year old daughter. We both decided this together as me moving there was not an option because of my daughter. I did on many occasions tell him it would not be easy and that I thought we should wait until he had a job offer here. He insisted it was what he wanted to do so I agreed. Whilst he was living in Italy he insisted on texting or calling me every 2 to 3 hours daily and if I didn't respond within minutes, he would freak out. He would also always ask why I was on FB or WhatsApp and to whom I was speaking too. At first I thought it was sweet but after some time it really pissed me off and we would fight over the phone about it. I did break up with him many times but he would constantly text and call sometimes over 30 times until finally he would call my family pretending he was worried about me. When I finally replied he would beg me not to end it telling me how much he loved me, and its only difficult because we are so far away. He would also pay for me to go to Italy and we would have the most amazing weekends on a monthly basis. I realise now I was an absolute idiot and I should of finished this relationship whilst he was still there. After moving here, things went down hill very fast and we were arguing regularly. After just a month we had a big fight regarding him asking questions about me at my local pub which I hardly ever go to. I questioned him about this and out of the blue he gave me one huge slap across the face, I walked away from him and went downstairs, he followed me, pushed me onto the sofa, sat on top of me and pinned me down by my wrists, shouting at me. I got away from him and told him to leave he refused and said he had nowhere to go. He also said he cant go back to Italy because if his parents find out its over he is scared it might kill his dad. Anyway the next day my 24 year old son called him to confront him, he returned home and within 20 minutes left my house to stay with his only friend in London. During this time he constantly called and texted me crying and telling me he gave up everything to be with me because he believed in us. I felt bad and responsible so I took him back. 2 months later we had another fight over something stupid. We were both shouting at each other but I wasn't swearing or hitting him, just telling him to leave me alone and go away he then violently grabbed me by my hair, twisted my head and threw me to the floor. I ran away from him but he grabbed me and told me he was sorry. He was crying incessantly and really apologising. He said he had never done that before and I made him so mad. Again he kept telling me how he had sacrificed everything for me, his job, his apartment, friends and family all for me. He tells me this every day. When we fight he demands every penny he has spent on me, accusing me of only being with him for the holidays in Italy, this is not true. Ive told him its over and I cant be with him anymore, I even found him a cheap room to rent where he is living now, but he comes to my house everyday asking me to help him with job applications because his english isn't great and then he acts as if everything is fine between us. He tells me he is afraid of losing me and that he loves me so much. He also says I cant just end this relationship after only 4 months of him leaving Italy to be with me that its not right or fair of me to do that to him. He says he is embarrassed to go back after such a short time because his friends and family told him not to come and it will destroy them all if he returns so soon.
I cant shake this guy off, he wont stop coming to my house, he still has some of his stuff here but refuses to take it with him because he says the room is too small. I know what I should do but I feel responsible for this whole situation and feel guilty for the position he is in now. I know he sacrificed a lot to be with me and we have had some wonderful experiences together. He can be so sweet, loving and charming.
Reading this may sound so pathetic but my head is so screwed up and I'm normally a really strong women. I know this is an unhealthy situation for my daughter but she seems to be oblivious to whats going on and she has never really liked him, just tolerated him because I was happy or at least I thought I was.
Why do I feel like I have to help him get back on his feet?
Am I losing my mind?
Is this guy playing me/ manipulating me?
Any advise would be greatly appreciated!!

Should I let him?

No! Please cut him off completely and stop letting him con you. Call the police and report everything so they can document it. This violent lunatic is a danger to you and your children. Your daughter now knows that he is stalking you.

This is so scary, get the police involved asap. He is creepy andI would not be letting him back in my house every...and you have your daughters welfare and safety to think about!

Can your son stay with you for a few days?

Also you don't want him to get the job, it would be better for all of you if he just fucked off back to Italy.

Good Luck and stay safe

Please say you didn't let him in, and that the police are now aware.

Please don't ever allow him back in your house. Do call the police and tell them what he's done.

Pls take care OP and make sure your DDis safe too. She didn't ask for any of this

Skimming through your post I can only conclude this guy is mentally ill. You can't help him. You need to cut him out of your life, because if things escalate you could wind up in the hospital or dead. You're not responsible for moving to England. Call the police. See a lawyer.

He is not bothering me now.

Tomorrow I will send his stuff to his house. I will call the police if he comes anywhere near me and I will not allow him near my laptop or my daughter. I will also block him from all platforms although Ive deleted all my social media apart from WhatsApp.

He will fuck off back to Italy.

Christ. He isn't someone you want in your life. An angry, abusive twat. All the earlier episodes of insecurity were his attempt to control and isolate you from other people.

Stay safe OP and watch your daughter. You don't owe him a thing.

I wouldn’t wait until he shows up again to alert the police. They need to document all of his violence and threats up until now. You may end up getting a restraining order, and it will help if they have already documented his previous behavior.

Have you reported his dangerous arse to the police!? He needs taking down and removing from the world of women he could rape and we'll god only knows what

He's spying on you from outside your house, and he wants access to your computer? I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to use it to spy on you.

Please, tell the police about him now. They really helped me get rid of my arsehole ex, who sounds a lot like yours.

He’s jealous. He’s controlling. He hit you. He pinned you down. He sat on you. He grabbed you by your hair. He threw you to the floor. He screams. He cries. He shouts. Do you really need any more evidence than that?

Whatever choices he made, he made because of him not you. You owe him nothing.

He is an abusive twat and you should make him leave, call the cops and have them remove him, then block him on your phone and social media and never look back.

He can go to the library. If I were you I would pop into your nearest police station and tell them all about it. Ask them how to proceed.

Your daughter almost certainly isn't oblivious. She's probably blocking it out to avoid becoming involved in the confrontation, as she isn't sure what to do and potentially is worried that you'll choose him over her.
Ditch the controlling man.

Wow he’s dreadful

Your daughter knows exactly what’s going on. Trust me. 14 year olds know everything. She probably just doesn’t know how to talk to you about it.

Do not let him in your house.
Alert the police.
He wants access you you alone, the laptop is an excuse, he is probably consumed with rage and he will kill you or hold you hostage for days. Do not underestimate the outcome.

Please please call Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247. They are professionals in this area and can advise you sensibly on what action to take to keep yourself and your child safe from this man. Pick up the phone - it's free and you need help.

If he is trying to get the neighbours to help him get to you, might be worth telling them you have a dangerous stalker. They would then also be able to warn you if they see him hanging around.

Don't get involved in any discussion with him. Don't advise him to go to internet cafés. Don't give him any reasons why he needs to leave. That is just allowing him to argue with you. He's an adult and can work out how to live his life himself. Even in a foreign country with minimal language skills. I did just that when I was 23. This guy is what, in his 50s?

Please, call the police. He is stalking you. Trying to break into your house. Assaulted you on more then one occasion, is harassing you, emotionally abusing you and more. Get a record going with the police. He will not stop. Let your neighbours know. Get cctv to document him stalking and trying to get in.

He will not stop without legal intervention. He came from Italy to be with you. He was throwing of red flags left right and centre before he came. Calling excessively, getting mad about you not answering, begging for you to come back etc.

Please, before it gets worse, call the police and get their help.

Lollaby the advice from all the PP to call the police about this isn't made with the sole intent of some kind of revenge on him for his behaviour and to get him into trouble. Of course he should be held to account for his actions, but it is also to offer you and your daughter a degree of protection, because, as many of us have said he is a very dangerous unbalanced (psychotic) individual, capable of inflicting great harm on you both. I think this is something you're not really seeing. The police will hear your account and recognise his pattern of behaviour. (Show them your post here if you can't be doing with talking it through initially). They will be able to advise you on how best to protect you, your daughter and your house.

You probably feel he's "understandably" a bit pissed off things haven't worked out between you, given all that he apparently gave up to be with you, and that's why "he's gone off on one". That really is not what this is about. He is, and has always been, like this. He will hurt other women in the future. I know you just want this to go away now and believe that he has got the message and will leave you alone but I am very concerned that even if he goes back to Italy, it may not be the end of the story: he may return in the future to punish you for "letting him down". For your sakes, and theirs, please take a bit of time out to report him to the police. Talk to Womens Aid as well for some support and guidance.

HomeTheatreSystem, I called Women's Aid but the line were busy I will try again later.

The last time he put his hands on me (the hair pulling) was on Friday night when we were out. The last time I saw him was on Sunday.
I texted him yesterday about his stuff and thats when he asked about using my laptop.
It is a real interview because he sent me the emails and like an idiot I helped him with his answers we also tested the company's interview software, so I know for sure its a real interview, he is not that computer savy to put spyware on my laptop.

I am going to take all your advise and not let him back into my home or anywhere near me or my daughter.

If I call the police what am I suppose to say to them if the incident happened a few days ago?

I know the stalking, lying and manipulation is all abuse, but the guy seems so desperate, he keeps saying he doesn't have anybody here and that he is all alone. I know I am not to blame for the abuse but I feel partly responsible for his situation, maybe thats all part of his control, I really don't know!! He can be so convincing with his remorse and exception of us being over.

I don't want to get the police involved just yet, because I don't know how he will react I feel like once he doesn't get this job (and I really don't think he will) he will just piss off back to Italy. He is running out of money and options in London.
I don't believe he will try to kill me or something like that, he is way too scared of the consequences.

I understand that he can be dangerous and Im taking all the precautions to keep safe, my daughter has gone to stay with a friend for the week until things settle and he fucks off.

I want to get his stuff out my house, then send him a clear and concise message that its done between us and that I will not be helping him anymore. I will also let him know that if he comes to my house again I will contact the police immediately and I will.

My neighbours, the guys in the garage and the locals at the pub are all aware of him and let me know if they see him.

If I call the police what am I suppose to say to them if the incident happened a few days ago?

You say, "On Day X my now ex boyfriend assaulted me, and on Day Y he assaulted me again."

I don't want to get the police involved just yet, because I don't know how he will react

It doesn't matter how he reacts. The point is that once the police know he's assaulted you they will be able to advise you on how best to protect yourself, and they will make it clear to him that his behaviour isn't acceptable. It might well save your life.

I don't believe he will try to kill me or something like that, he is way too scared of the consequences.

But he's not at all scared of hitting you, because you've shown him there are no consequences. Severely injuring you, or killing you, is just the next step in his consequence-free life.

Report him to the police. He's assaulted you, he's now stalking you by hanging around and watching your house. He will only escalate. You need proper, professional advice.

Any moral responsibility you had to him stopped here: "he gave me one huge slap across the face" You never had any legal responsibility in the first place.

Log the incidents with police, and don't look back, except to learn to trust your instincts in future. Sorry you're going through this

He made a decision like a grown man to leave Italy. He made the decision to put his hands on you.
You aren't responsible for him and the moment somebody decides to slap you in the face that's the moment you call the police and off you go.
Your children are becoming victims of your decisions.
It's done he needs to leave. His father won't die unless he gets treated as badly as you have been treated.

Oh well done Lollaby for getting your DD away for the week.

Call WA and leave a message that it's safe for them to call you back on your mobile number,they will call you,also give them a rough time window, like this afternoon or this evening or later tonight etc.

Then call the police on 101 to report, his slapping you, pinnibg you down, pushing you into the sofa, that you feel terrified of what he might do by you reporting him, that he has been stalking you and both yourself and neighbours have seen him, that you've sent your DD away to be safe,but you feel very scared, and want him gone. That you still have some of his stuff and need to get it to him safely.

This is the best way you can protect yourselves. You and your DD are all that matter now.

You are not at fault here, he didn't react badly because of you, he reacted badly because he wanted to see you frightened because he felt entitled to 'punish' you, because in his mind you are evil itself and have been extremely cruel to him, he hates you for it,but he's like that with everyone he gets close enough to to be able to control with violence and intimidation.

He is your enemy,and he's shown himself to be that, but that will not stop him from trying to wheedle and manipulate you into further contacts.

If he shows up again, even just across the road, the police advice is call 999 immediately.

Please do not take risks with this violent perpetrator. You do not know his limits.