Should I leave my partner of almost 3 years after only 4 months of him moving from Italy to London for me?

[lollaby]

After 2 1/2 years in a long distance relationship, my partner gave up a good job in his home country of Italy and moved to London to live with me and my 14 year old daughter. We both decided this together as me moving there was not an option because of my daughter. I did on many occasions tell him it would not be easy and that I thought we should wait until he had a job offer here. He insisted it was what he wanted to do so I agreed. Whilst he was living in Italy he insisted on texting or calling me every 2 to 3 hours daily and if I didn't respond within minutes, he would freak out. He would also always ask why I was on FB or WhatsApp and to whom I was speaking too. At first I thought it was sweet but after some time it really pissed me off and we would fight over the phone about it. I did break up with him many times but he would constantly text and call sometimes over 30 times until finally he would call my family pretending he was worried about me. When I finally replied he would beg me not to end it telling me how much he loved me, and its only difficult because we are so far away. He would also pay for me to go to Italy and we would have the most amazing weekends on a monthly basis. I realise now I was an absolute idiot and I should of finished this relationship whilst he was still there. After moving here, things went down hill very fast and we were arguing regularly. After just a month we had a big fight regarding him asking questions about me at my local pub which I hardly ever go to. I questioned him about this and out of the blue he gave me one huge slap across the face, I walked away from him and went downstairs, he followed me, pushed me onto the sofa, sat on top of me and pinned me down by my wrists, shouting at me. I got away from him and told him to leave he refused and said he had nowhere to go. He also said he cant go back to Italy because if his parents find out its over he is scared it might kill his dad. Anyway the next day my 24 year old son called him to confront him, he returned home and within 20 minutes left my house to stay with his only friend in London. During this time he constantly called and texted me crying and telling me he gave up everything to be with me because he believed in us. I felt bad and responsible so I took him back. 2 months later we had another fight over something stupid. We were both shouting at each other but I wasn't swearing or hitting him, just telling him to leave me alone and go away he then violently grabbed me by my hair, twisted my head and threw me to the floor. I ran away from him but he grabbed me and told me he was sorry. He was crying incessantly and really apologising. He said he had never done that before and I made him so mad. Again he kept telling me how he had sacrificed everything for me, his job, his apartment, friends and family all for me. He tells me this every day. When we fight he demands every penny he has spent on me, accusing me of only being with him for the holidays in Italy, this is not true. Ive told him its over and I cant be with him anymore, I even found him a cheap room to rent where he is living now, but he comes to my house everyday asking me to help him with job applications because his english isn't great and then he acts as if everything is fine between us. He tells me he is afraid of losing me and that he loves me so much. He also says I cant just end this relationship after only 4 months of him leaving Italy to be with me that its not right or fair of me to do that to him. He says he is embarrassed to go back after such a short time because his friends and family told him not to come and it will destroy them all if he returns so soon.
I cant shake this guy off, he wont stop coming to my house, he still has some of his stuff here but refuses to take it with him because he says the room is too small. I know what I should do but I feel responsible for this whole situation and feel guilty for the position he is in now. I know he sacrificed a lot to be with me and we have had some wonderful experiences together. He can be so sweet, loving and charming.
Reading this may sound so pathetic but my head is so screwed up and I'm normally a really strong women. I know this is an unhealthy situation for my daughter but she seems to be oblivious to whats going on and she has never really liked him, just tolerated him because I was happy or at least I thought I was.
Why do I feel like I have to help him get back on his feet?
Am I losing my mind?
Is this guy playing me/ manipulating me?
Any advise would be greatly appreciated!!

Do you really need to ask? Of course you should leave him!

No-one is teaching anything, how blaming.

He is abusive,and its extremely hard to disentangle and escape from, but you can do this.

You know yourself inside how scared you are (no matter how much he needs your support, he has no right to it after what he's done to you)

Like you say, he's scared you. Act to keep you both safe.

There is nothing else you should do for this man, except detach completely from his needs, they conflict with yours.

No-one accepts anyone would do something for someone which puts them at risk.

You don't owe him.

He jacked it all in,there's never any guarantee.

Your DD doesn't like him, she has good instincts!

Have him arrested for 2 counts of assault, get a restraining order on him, then block him.

No sympathy for piece of shit men who raise their hands at women.

Please report this to the police. It sounds like he has severe mental illness and possible psychosis. You absolutely cannot help him and it would be dangerous to try.

"He was crying incessantly and really apologising. He said he had never done that before and I made him so mad."

He may not have done that exact thing before, but he did do all this before, didn't he?
"out of the blue he gave me one huge slap across the face, I walked away from him and went downstairs, he followed me, pushed me onto the sofa, sat on top of me and pinned me down by my wrists, shouting at me. "

He's not less abusive just because he's from another country.

"He also says I cant just end this relationship after only 4 months of him leaving Italy to be with me that its not right or fair of me to do that to him. "
"Again he kept telling me how he had sacrificed everything for me, his job, his apartment, friends and family all for me. He tells me this every day. "

HE chose to do all that. You're ending it because of the way HE has chosen to behave. He left everything because HE chose to.
You're not obliged to be trapped in this situation because of his choices. And give him a date when you'll be putting his stuff outside for him to collect as well.

Please, report him to the police. Pack his stuff up and arrange for it to go to his friend’s house. He’s a violent, abusive shit. The sooner he fucks off back to Italy the better.

Tell him your relationship is over and you do not want to hear from him again. Take his things over to the place where he lives and leave them on the doorstep. Then report him to the police for assaulting you.

He's dangerous, he's violent, and you need to get rid of him right now. He could kill you.

Thank you ladies,

Its feels so empowering to have this support and I appreciate all your replies and the non judgemental advise. I ordered the book suggested on Amazon and cant wait to read it !!!

Just need a little more advise from you lovely people :))

I texted him and told him Im sending his shit to his house.

He replied and asked if he could use my laptop and internet for just one hour tomorrow as he has a big online interview with the competitor of the company he was working for in Italy so its the perfect job for him.

He cant do it in his house because the room is shit and the internet is crap and he doesn't have a Laptop or the money to buy one. I suggested a internet cafe but he said the back ground has to be quiet and look professional. His only friend in London is in Italy so he cant help him.

Should I let him?

My daughter and I wont stay in the house when he is there. He promises this is the last time he will bother me. He says if he doesn't get this job he will go back to Italy and I will never see or hear from him again and if he does get this job he is still going to fuck off!!!

This is a horrible situation and I cant believe Im in it.!! He is very manipulative and has totally fucked with my head. I am scared because I can feel the rage in him even when he is trying to play it cool.

He told me yesterday morning his dad had a heart attack and that he was in Italy visiting him. When my daughter came home from school I found out he was lying because the guy in the garage on my street told my daughter he saw him watching my house.
When she told me I started peeking from my window and I too saw him on the other side of the street doing just that, watching my house.

I called him on WhatsApp and asked how his dad was and he said he had just been with him in the hospital and that he is doing better, then I told him I could see him from my window and that the police were on there way.
He left.
I wish now I had run out with my baseball bat like a mad women out of control.

I know I have to get away from him but I feel like I have to have a plan and somehow if I help him then he will really fuck off but if I don't then Im scared he might do something really stupid. He has even tried to get into my house by asking my neighbour to let him climb our garden wall even after I told him to piss off and I wasn't letting him in. I am so mad with myself I want to beat the shit out of him!!

No! Do not let him!!! Perhaps time to ring the police re. trying to gain access. I'd brief your neighbour too.

NO.

Have you forgotten that he assaulted you? He is not your responsibility. Tell him to fuck off home to Italy.

Don’t let this deranged fucker anywhere near you or your daughter!

Hes a proven liar, he probably wants to install spyware on your laptop.
I wouldn't let him anywhere near it.

Don't let him anywhere near you or your laptop.....

Right, thank you!! Im going to call the police and get this prick away from us. I just needed to hear it again and again so thanks once again!! :) :) :)

Given his recent lie about his Dad, it seems very unlikely that the 'internet interview' is real. Please don't let him back into your house.

You need to get yourself into a mindset that whatever he says, you will take no notice. You are doing really well to have got him to move out and to have threatened to call the police when you saw him outside. Stick to your guns, concentrate on getting rid of his stuff and you will be another step nearer to removing him from your life.

He's lied and manipulated you about moving, about his dad's health, about why he can't take his stuff, and I'd bet he's lying about the interview. I agree that his intentions are probably something untoward (if not spyware, then at least to weasel his way back into your house).

He's got a nasty little habit of making you do things you don't want to do because if you don't, the consequences for him will be too great for you to bear.

Start thinking about the consequences for you and your daughter. Stop putting his needs above yours. He lost any right to favours from you the minute he assaulted you. Call women's aid for a bit of rl support. Look at the Freedom Programme to do a bit of work on boundaries and your twat radar.

Definitely report this behaviour to the police! And check your house is secure. Even if he doesn’t have a key anymore, I’d change the locks.

My hair is standing on end from your latest message. Cut all contact. Phone the police to report the assaults. These days you don't need to have every bone in your body broken for it to be classified as domestic violence. What he did is more than enough.
Also mention his very weird stalkery behaviour: they can possibly check his record in Italy and see if there's previous. Do not assist this man in any way, shape or form. He is not going to go away once he gets a job: none of this is about a job. Do you have a male friend/family member who can come and stay with you for support?

Alert your neighbours to him ....the more eyes the better.

And you know he's just trying to get into your house don't you. I bet he doesn't have to do the interview.

I'd recommend speaking to someone at Women's Aid. They can offer you professional advice.

Just keep reminding yourself you've had the last contact with this violent abuser that you will ever have, regardless of what further stunts he tries to pull.

You have to shut it out completely and not let it back in.

You need total security around your house.

You need to plans in place with your DD about her movements until he is either sent home or locked up.

The police already have enough evidence as to his MO to charge him.

Don't accept no for an answer and block any further means of contact from him.

You're not seriously letting him borrow your laptop are you?

He had a good job, apparently, so he's not stupid and he's highly manipulative, he'll sort himself out in prison

You owe him nothing. Block him on everything, cut him off entirely. Report the assault. If he turns up again and tries to make you let him in for whatever reason phone the police to get him removed

Do you speak to his parents? I would be on to them pronto after you’d spoken the police and tell them exactly what’s been going on and that the police are now involved because he is stalking you and has been violent.

Please don’t believe his shit about the job interview. Tell him to a library for his interview. Don’t let him anywhere near your house or your stuff or you or your family. Are you sure he isn’t a criminal?

There are Internet cafes in many high streets and libraries! You do not want him in your house or have access to your laptop. Gawd knows what spyware or other stuff he might try to install. In fact, I would have your electric devices checked to be on the safe side. A friend had her sensitive information hacked that way by an ex.