I speak to my husband like shit

[Theresacure]

I can't condone the way I speak to my husband in many ways. I feel constantly frustrated with him and seem to perpetually, rudely let it show.

Tonight he has told me he's had enough. I get it and I have said we will begin discussing separating. He got angry at this as he said he doesn't want this to be the outcome, just wants me to "stop doing it."

But this is the problem... I can't.

I've seen several counsellors over the last 5 years and each time I've expressed the way I am with DH and exactly how I speak to him, I'm met with empathy. DH is largely emotionally unavailable, extremely disorganised and very selfish at times. I often feel like a possession rather than a person in this marriage.

But this does not excuse the way I speak to him. I am constantly exasperated, irritated and frustrated and let it show. He says that DC1 now gives him a "look" when I speak to DH rudely as if to say "here she goes again Dad."

I've asked DC1 how he feels about the way mummy speaks to Daddy and he has said that he thinks I am nice most of the time and get cross sometimes when Daddy does silly things. Obviously, it's not good that sometimes I show my annoyance with DH infront of the children.

Today, I was annoyed after DH was late getting DC1 to his football match on time (again) He is literally late every single week. And because he woke DC2 up after crashing around loudly in the kitchen when she was having her nap... he drags things along the floor loudly as opposed to picking them up.

I was irritated and spoke to him in a flustered, rude tone of voice and then told him I was fed up of him seeing everything in black and white when he asked me another question (can't remember what).

I am confused. I cringe at myself when Im so rude to DH, but then what can I do about it? I've tried to rectify my behaviour with counselling, CBT, coaching, reading books over the years but I just can't seem to stop. Counsellors always seem to feel sorry for me because I carry the lions share and I'm pretty neglected by DH emotionally.

What else can I do? I am constantly ashamed of the way I speak to him. I am quite prepared to explore separation, but DH gets angry when I mention this and won't seem to consider it an option.

What can I do?

You don’t mention loving him once. What a weird post.
If your relationship is making you unhappy then split. He doesn’t have to “consider it as an option.”

How do we split when he won't? I've nowhere to go so can't just up and leave. Everytime I've mentioned discussing selling the house and going our seperate ways, he just shuts me down and says he's not discussing it.

Get legal advice.

You don’t love him. He sounds unbearable. I’d split.

have you seen a counsellor together?

purely going on what you've said, it sounds as if you might be better apart. separation might help you both see things more clearly.

These types can be very difficult to divorce. It's actually surprisingly difficult to leave a man, as a sahm without individual wealth, if he simply says "no". It's hard to rent without an income, you can't force him out of the house, you'll need to court order to sell the home, in the mean time he will make your life at home a misery. Because he owns you and you have no RIGHT to leave him. Divorce law needs urgent reform.

OP, I hear you.

Bloody hell. This is not just you at fault. I’d be snappy too. I also second getting legal advice. He is basically holding you hostage and you are too young to live like that for the rest of your life.

I do work, but part-time as I still have pre-schoolers at home so rely heavily on DH for financial support.
He tells me he's woefully unhappy with me because of the way I speak to him so don't understand why he's not initiating separation himself.
Tbh, I often wish he would as a way of stopping the vicious cycle of self-loathing I feel towards myself for the way I behave around him.
I love him in many ways, but probably not "in" love with him. Romance has definitely died.

Sounds like he is the one at fault. If you're speaking to him like that because he is being unreasonabe and he knows this then he needs to change. Sounds like it's his way or no way.

DH is largely emotionally unavailable, extremely disorganised and very selfish at times. I often feel like a possession rather than a person in this marriage

Have you told him this? If so, what is his response?

If I could do my time over, I would take full time work on the chin (on behalf of me and my child), using childcare if needed, would then use that FT income to secretly rent a place and do a flit, simultaneously filing with family court. I was all "nice" and "think of the family" then. Oh, OP, if I could do my time over.

Do what has to be done to get out. Your kids will will happier if you aren't broken down by him.

I don’t think you’re the only one to blame, but I agree you should separate. You’re both miserable.

Can you get a free spot with a solicitor and explore your options?

Nothing seems to change. No matter how hard I try. I've tried so hard to make our relationship work in the past, but he seems so disengaged and disinterested. There's not much joy or excitement or plans for the future. When we do try to have fun, he's overly loud or purposely annoying- will repeat the same line of a song over and over again and find enjoyment in being irritating- that sort of thing.

I am exhausted by it all.

I'm in my early 30s and I feel about 50.

Yeah, he'll deliberately spoil fun days you plan so you'll stop planning them and leave him alone. Then he can blame you that you never spend time together and "drifted apart". He's a shit.

I remember telling someone I felt 60. And I meant it, I absolutely did feel 60, even though I was only half that age at the time.

You need to get out. He'll wreck your health.

Do you speak the same way to him in front of other people?

Are you depressed?

You could be me ten years ago. God, when I look back at the nasty,irritable woman I was then...I could hug her.

I wasn’t bad, I was exhausted, ground down and desperate for any kind of connection.

It took me five years to get my XH to agree to separate. He literally refused to leave, saying ‘you made vows and I’m holding you to them.’

I’m a totally different person now. Happy, relaxed, and planning my wedding to a lovely man.

There’s a better life out there, OP!

FWIW, I feel my own age again, younger actually. I feel like I'm back where I was when I met him. I'm in better nick than I've been in years.

Psychological abuse does have a powerful effect on the body. You'll be surprised how much better you feel once you're shot of him.

@Pinkarsedfly how did you get out in the end? Did you keep the house or leave? How did you manage financially etc?

Wow OP I could have almost written your post word for word. We are on the verge of splitting but I have nowhere to go and I also don't want to share my children. I need to work on the way I speak to him but every little thing he does irritates me. It's easy for people to tell you to leave him but I do know it isn't that simple.

My ex turned me into a crazy woman. What he’s doing is not ok. You can’t keep on with this.

Maybe it’s helpful to chill a bit and figure out what is important.

It is annoying that dc is late for football but in a way, maybe dc would prefer to be late for football than have parents arguing. Maybe make some time to go away together for a weekend. Try and re-connect (not necessarily just in a romance way) but chill and do relaxing stuff away from the kids???

Tell him you’ll stop doing it when he bloody pulls his weight and acts like a decent partner and parent.
I don’t blame you at all. He sounds like a complete pain.
I’d be the same if my dh kept letting me and dc down and ruining everything.

It sounds like he may have something like ADHD. In any case the reason he isn't separating is maybe because he is extremely disorganised? Have a look at adult ADHD relationships. Maybe he needs an assessment so he can get some insight. Sounds very hard work and need to look at long term if you can be happy. Don't blame yourself- at least you are admitting your failings

@suddenlyIsee 💐 I don't want to share my children either, can't stand the thought of not having them in a different house to me at night 😓

Op,... you've put in all this effort, but what has HE done to rectify his behaviour?