I speak to my husband like shit

[Theresacure]

I can't condone the way I speak to my husband in many ways. I feel constantly frustrated with him and seem to perpetually, rudely let it show.

Tonight he has told me he's had enough. I get it and I have said we will begin discussing separating. He got angry at this as he said he doesn't want this to be the outcome, just wants me to "stop doing it."

But this is the problem... I can't.

I've seen several counsellors over the last 5 years and each time I've expressed the way I am with DH and exactly how I speak to him, I'm met with empathy. DH is largely emotionally unavailable, extremely disorganised and very selfish at times. I often feel like a possession rather than a person in this marriage.

But this does not excuse the way I speak to him. I am constantly exasperated, irritated and frustrated and let it show. He says that DC1 now gives him a "look" when I speak to DH rudely as if to say "here she goes again Dad."

I've asked DC1 how he feels about the way mummy speaks to Daddy and he has said that he thinks I am nice most of the time and get cross sometimes when Daddy does silly things. Obviously, it's not good that sometimes I show my annoyance with DH infront of the children.

Today, I was annoyed after DH was late getting DC1 to his football match on time (again) He is literally late every single week. And because he woke DC2 up after crashing around loudly in the kitchen when she was having her nap... he drags things along the floor loudly as opposed to picking them up.

I was irritated and spoke to him in a flustered, rude tone of voice and then told him I was fed up of him seeing everything in black and white when he asked me another question (can't remember what).

I am confused. I cringe at myself when Im so rude to DH, but then what can I do about it? I've tried to rectify my behaviour with counselling, CBT, coaching, reading books over the years but I just can't seem to stop. Counsellors always seem to feel sorry for me because I carry the lions share and I'm pretty neglected by DH emotionally.

What else can I do? I am constantly ashamed of the way I speak to him. I am quite prepared to explore separation, but DH gets angry when I mention this and won't seem to consider it an option.

What can I do?

Is there a spare room you could sleep in?
I wouldn't be able to share a bed with him.

I'm surprised at your friends btw, they don't live with him so they have no idea! They should be listening and encouraging you to trust your judgement.

I went through this about a year ago, I could hardly bring myself to speak to him nicely but couldn't pinpoint why. I just couldn't speak to him nicely for more than a few minutes.

Eventually things just got worse and worse, and I found a "good enough" reason to kick him out. I know that sounds daft, but I think I was kind of waiting for something to happen that I could hold up and say look, see, I don't want to be with you any more.

Fast forward to this year and we are separated (I actually applied for a divorce this morning). I am so so much happier now. It was a struggle sorting how I would pay the bills and divide our DD's time between us, but the house just feels sort of lighter without him in it, and I honestly haven't missed him for a second.

Your children will always remember this of you. My mum spoke to my lovely dad horribly and I have never forgotten, and determined to never be in a relationship where either party would speak like that. She was vile.

You could be describing my exDH! I understand everything you are feeling.

I saw a counsellor who helped me to get the courage to leave with my two pre-school DCs. It is very hard to leave. The logistics are overwhelming. But it is possible.

ExDH wouldn’t leave the house. I secretly found my own little place and never looked back. It was shabby and finances were so tight, but it was such a relief to be away from him. I made a lovely warm and happy ‘home’ for me and the DCs. I have no regrets and am so glad I left when I did.

10 years later now and I have a beautiful home, great job and I am truly happy. ExDH has never changed and is more miserable than ever. The DCs dread seeing him as he is so difficult to be around for more than a few minutes.

You can do this. You and your DCs can have a better life than this

Op, I was you, very irritable and went back and forwards to drs as must be my fault.

It sounds like you have adrenal fatigue which is caused by trying to make your life work. If left it will cause physical illnesses.

I think he is abusive, uncaring and completely self centred but it is your normal so you can't see it.

What you have to recognise is your H might be doing this on purpose, to get perspective stand back and observe what is going on, rather than absorb. Start a journal, look at incidents and you will learn so much. Men like this are often very angry but won't show it so get you to vent their anger. It is often men who has over bearing parents, particularly mothers.

@dontpointatme what was your "good enough" reason?

@anotheremma he sleeps in the spare room most nights now as he says he's so anxious about me "having a go" at him for waking me up.

Well he ended up in a "friendship" with a female colleague, telling me that he was going on a 2 night business trip (alone) on a Sunday and Monday night in Germany, spending the first night in a swanky hotel in the uk with her, then the two of them went off to the actual business trip together on the Monday... I thought that was quite a good reason to boot his backside out...

Luckily though the house was mine before we met and he didn't want to fight me for it so left after a month or so of me telling him to go.

Seriously, have a good he'd think about leaving if you feel the way towards your husband that I did toward mine before you end up with all of the heartache that I did with that whole sorry mess. Not saying it's the same for everyone but my life is so much happier and more relaxed now, I feel like a whole new person.

I had a read through the things he does and honestly, there's only three or four that aren't 'everyone has stuff' things.

Bottom of the pile, cares about friends but not you, won't pitch in but won't pay for help and won't hear it... hose are ones that need help. Loud, scruffy, fidgety, forgetful? Those are just character traits and you either care enough to put up with the, or you don't.

Ok, playing devils advocate here but if someone spoke to me like you speak to your DH I would check out too. I wouldn't be emotional available and I wouldn't much care if I irritated them. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Id also prioritise days out with friends over family days where I'd risk being told off and nagged.

I think the main problem with this situation is that you poor kids have to put up with what must be an awful
atmosphere. I feel really sorry for them. Not only will they have to put up with their parents treating each other so unkindly they may also end up copying you and your husbands behaviour.

How are you going to feel if you kids start talking to you like crap when they get to teenagehood.

BTW I don't have a perfect relationship with my husband. We argue occasionally (well he does 😅) and I definitely find him very irritating sometimes.

A “good enough” reason is that you are not compatible. Simple.

Sounds like he deliberately frustrates you. If so that is abusive. The lateness, the mess, the forgetfulness - how does he cope at work - does he have the same traits? Or does he just deploy them with quiet contempt for you at home?

He could well be passive aggressive (read up on that) - he is unable to express anger or communicate effectively so simmers away inwardly with a smile on his face but takes it out on you indirectly through small acts that will frustrate you.

You sound drained, exhausted, shattered - maybe even depressed - v short fuse, rage and highly irritable can be a symptom of depression - rather than weeping.

YOU need to change something here - as he is not cooperating or playing ball. You will become ill. Drop the rope. Don’t engage and plot your way out calmly.

I agree with Pics All the other symptoms will disappear when he does.
You are exhausted from trying to employ coping strategies even if you are not aware of it. I got to the point with my ex where just the fact that he was breathing irritated the living fuck out of me! I was glad when he started an emotional affair with OW. It gave me the handle on the lever I needed to get him out of my life forever. They didn't last long and nor did the OW he had while he was with her. I managed 7.5 years but how I have no idea. What a waste!

I don't understand why you have sought out interventions to change yourself over the course of 5 years when he could simply be less selfish and invest more into the relationship and your problems would have been resolved. I see he hasn't sought out any support to make changes himself. You feel annoyed with him for valid reasons, why would you want to undergo therapy to become subservient?

You cannot reason or communicate with a brick wall OP. You are breaking yourself against his "emotional unavailability" and consequently getting angrier and more out of control.

If counselling has not worked for you then try something else.

For example investigate what your options and finances would be if you were to divorce him. Remember you don't need his permission but you do need to know how you'd manage financially if/when you split. As a PP mentioned, speak with Women's Aid for advice - they may also be able to provide you with information about solicitors.

Go to the www.entitledto.co.uk benefits calculator website to see what you might be entitled to. Go to the CMS website https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenancee_
to see what you could get for child maintenance. Check your DH's financial papers as you may need to know his annual pay, pension, savings etc to help calculate what your financial settlement might be. What is the market value of your house (check online house prices for an estimate).

Something needs to be done and it doesn't seem your husband wants to change anything himself so it's down to you to sort this out, particularly for your DC who have already picked on the negativity in the home, eg:

thinks I am nice most of the time and get cross sometimes when Daddy does silly things.

Out of the mouth of babes...

You may decide none of this is for you but do so from the position of knowledge.

It's good that at least he is sleeping in the spare room and, personally, maybe encourage that so at least you'll get a few hours space to yourself and more restful sleep.

Also be careful of getting pregnant again as your circumstances will be tougher with a newborn in the mix.

I hope you manage to get some resolution for yourself and your children and that you may all be happier - including your husband - once you get through this. 🌹

It really sounds like you two need to split. Your post paints a picture of you being very unhappy for a long time and taking it out on DH, which makes him unhappy too. It sounds like there are a lot of deep-seated issues here and you've already tried counseling. If he isn't prepared to make any effort to change then why is the burden all on you?

Hi OP I think you are under a lot of stress and worn down.
Everybody thought my ex was “lovely” but he was abusive.
You seem to be talking all the responsibility and that it all your fault.
It’s not you - ITS HIM. He must be sucking the life out of you.
He believes “it’s womens work “ to do everything at home.
He pisses of to his hobbies and put his friends before his family.
You need to to leave if he won’t go.
Have you got family who can help.
Your friends should listen to YOU.
Has anyone ever listened to you.
I don’t like your partner - I don’t have to live with him.
He won’t change and please don’t waste any more breaths on trying to get him too change.
I wonder what your childhood was like and how your parents where together.
You you son said it - your nice most of the time - your partner is making out YOUR the problem - that’s what abusers do.
I hope you can read the Lundy book - I think it can be downloaded.
I’m much much happier since he went - he didn’t leave voluntary - he’d hit me numerous times and I eventually went to the police and he was arrested. I’m less tired and stressed. I’m not taking sick time from work and I really am happier.
Good luck OP 🌺

I've unearthed my journals over the last 5 years and reading them has been an eye opener. Don't know why I haven't done this before!
It's amazing how lovely and understanding I sound about his many "quirks" at first and even throughout my first pregnancy I seem to have a lot of empathy for him when I'm evidently very depressed and very lonely.

It all changes when I read from the point that DC1 is around 1 year old. I seem much stronger and less naive in my entries, clearly grown as a person, but my tolerance of him suddenly declines.
One of the lines from the earlier journals reads:
"he seems to sugar coat everything when it's tough, but I wish at times, he would sugar coat me and give me the benefit of the doubt"
How sad is that to read 😪
Later entries are more along the lines of...
"What a nob head. He's not emptied the car and gone to work with both my car keys and the push chair in his car after he told me he had emptied it. How the fuck do I get DC1 to his doctor's appointment now?!"
Big difference.
The entries seem to have the same level of pissed-offness from then on really. It's like I just became suddenly exasperated by him. There are cheerier entries, but more recent ones are just more and more negative.

Is this a side-effect of having young DCs, or is this me having had enough of him?

The latter

Both.
When you have kids, there is a huge step up in terms of responsibility. There was likely always a difference in maturity between the two of you. When you have kids and take that responsibility step up - and your partner doesn't - the gulf between you can start to seem enormous.

That, and you had time to coddle a big baby before kids, now you have little babies and no time for the nonsense of the big baby (who you expected to step up, and didn't).

Actually they're good points, I agree.

Thankyou for the advice.

I'm trying to observe him more rather than getting sucked in. Last night was a good example when we were eating dinner. I had asked him to cut up the vegetables I'd put on the baby's plate. He failed to remove a sharp corner on one of her sweet potato wedges and she hurt her mouth on it, started screaming and refused to eat anymore. I became anxious as less food at night usually means more breastfeeds throughout the night (and it did-2 more!) Anyway, I just said to him very neutrally "I thought you had sorted her vegetables."
"Well you never told me I needed to remove any sharp corners."
Was his response.
I would usually get really annoyed at this, but I just shook my head in dismay and told him "I'm really exhausted by this now."
I know we all make mistakes but it's how it boils down to being my fault for not specifying every.single.bloody.instruction.

If you're breastfeeding a baby it can make you more irritated with your partner - there's a chapter on it in the book "What Mothers Do".

How old are your children?

Surely separating can’t be any more difficult than this. Your unhappiness is reason enough. It’s oozing out of your posts you sound throughly pissed off. I don’t blame you either. I know it’s hard but you can’t live another 50 odd years like this.

God he sounds exhausting, just teasing you list of the things he does started to raise my blood pressure. No wonder you get pissed at him all the time.

Granted you shouldn’t shout at him in front of the dc and you don’t want them growing up in that environment. This (and I include you and him in this) needs to stop now.

Rather than
‘I’m really exhausted by this now’
Could you be really really blunt with him, but in a calm and low voice
‘I’m really exhausted by this now’ could be changed into ‘you’re a grown intelligent man, I shouldn’t have to tell you to cut off sharp bits’ then let him deal with the fall out.

The same with situations like the car and buggy. Simply ring him and say ‘you need to come home, I asked you to clear the car you, you didn’t and I need the buggy. Get home now’

You don’t have to shout and yell, but I’d make him deal with his action.

By the way, I dated a fidget in bed. He’s knock his toes together and couldn’t keep his legs still, it’s one of the reasons I left